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In a recent post, I explained how procrastination is a control based avoidance mechanism that carries potentially severe consequences. Withdrawal is another such mechanism that can be even more detrimental to our well-being.

At times we all have had the urge to retreat and “hole up” and just escape the world. This is understandable given the burdens, responsibilities, and pressures we face today.

For much of my adult life, withdrawal was my default mode, usually triggered by strong anger, feeling mistreated, or being overwhelmed.

Truth be told, it didn’t take much for me to emotionally “leave” my loved ones.

It was often easier for me to retreat into my private world of painful thoughts than to confront vital issues head-on. Blame was often the game, as I remained stuck in my self-pity.

Indeed, I can’t think of anything positive that ever resulted from my absences.

Harms of Withdrawal

Withdrawal can become a self-perpetuating process. The longer your departure, the more difficult your return, and by the time you do return, considerable harm may have already occurred—to you and others.

At home, your mates and family may feel rejected and helpless– even abandoned. At work, it is difficult to focus on important tasks and assignments, as well as interact with co-workers and customers.

In the arts, your creativity is easily submerged. And with intimate relations, your sex drive can disappear.

Returning from Exile

Consequently, because of its negative momentum, withdrawal needs to be nipped in the bud. I learned that it is important to learn from your past history what makes you depart, and then make an effort to timely counter it.

For many, unprocessed anger and resentment are the catalysts. For others, it may be financial or health fears, or deteriorating personal relationships. Grief and sadness, particularly from the loss of a loved one or a close relationship, are also prevalent causes of withdrawal.

To return from your personal “exile,” it is paramount that these core feelings and emotions be processed; otherwise they will fester, propelling you deeper into your inner sanctum. You must “face and embrace” them; “lean” in to them, if you will. As you do, the barriers to your return will begin to thaw.

A good way to process your unsettling feelings and emotions is by sharing them with a trusted friend or confidant. Another is to write about them in some way.

During one withdrawal, I wrote the below poem about withdrawal and what I needed to do to overcome it. It is included at the beginning of the chapter titled Avoiding Avoidance in Losing Control, Finding Serenity

Default Mode

“Engulfed with anger,

We retreat.

Ensnarled by fear,

We hide.

Webbed by doubts

We avoid.

Immersed in pities,

We remain

In exile—

With no default mode.

To return,

Joust the fears,

Lose the anger,

Embrace the truth, and

Face the danger.”

Please share your experiences with withdrawal. What typically induces it? How does it impact you? And how do you overcome it?

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is”!

Danny

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Many of us have little inkling about how much, how often, and in what ways we try to control people and things around us—and how it harms us. Controlling conduct is not always assertive or overt. It is often subtle and even passive, but no less harmful.

Avoidance is one such debilitating form of control.

You may not think of avoidance as a control mechanism. But it is. It’s “mind control,” if you will. When we avoid, we direct and manipulate our thoughts and actions away from important life challenges and issues. The consequences can be severe, personally and in the work place.

Avoiding Avoidance

The two most prevalent types of avoidance are procrastination and withdrawal. Both are control mechanisms that impact our well-being. (This post addresses procrastination. The following one will address withdrawal. )

Procrastination often results in lost opportunities. When you delay in addressing problems, opportunities to resolve them can pass by. Moreover, unattended problems easily mushroom into larger and sometimes unmanageable ones. And if you finally do address them, more time and energy are required to resolve them.

A personal case in point.

I once delayed taking action with regard to a group of teenagers who were skateboarding up the courtyard walls and on the railings of a Nevada office building I owned. When my manager first reported the problem to me, I listened but did nothing. I silently hoped it would go away and promptly found other things at work to occupy my mind.

A week later, graffiti appeared on the walls of the building. Several tenants threatened to leave because of it. I was very upset, but still did nothing, preferring to see the vandalism as an isolated event.

Several days later, one of our tenants was burglarized. Finally, I acted. We gated the rear entrance to the building, extended the hours of our manager, and added large planters in the courtyard to prevent skateboarding up the walls—all of which could have been done two months prior, avoiding nights of lost sleep.

One thing I learned from this experience is,

We may try to “bury” things, but that doesn’t mean they go away!

They are still present, albeit in the far reaches of our minds, where they are nourished and magnified by our fears.

Awareness is a prerequisite to taking action.

As I explain in Losing Control, Finding Serenity, the first step in letting go of control is to become better aware of our controlling ways. Many people don’t think of procrastination as a controlling mechanism. That’s because they may not consciously be aware they have problems that need addressing. Denial can be persuasive. It’s easy to “turn a blind eye.”

But on some level, we know our problems are there. Anxiety and discomfort, including physical symptoms, can serve as an awareness guide. When you are feeling low or depressed—or angry–consider whether you are procrastinating about addressing something important.

Process your fears.

We can become so absorbed with the “what ifs” and “what could happens” that we are afraid to take any action at all. We often feel “frozen in our tracks.”

A worst case scenario exercise is an excellent tool to help overcome these obsessive fears.

When you are hesitant to act, project the worst things that could happen through a series of “what if” inquiries so that you can get everything out on the table. As you do, try to separate fact from fiction. Then map out an action plan should your worst fears materialize. (In most cases they won’t because they were either illusory or insignificant.) By having a plan, the potential problems will feel less daunting and your fears will diminish, allowing you to effectively meat your challenges head-on. Next,

Let go of control.

If your plan stalls or doesn’t seem to work at first, don’t be deterred. You may be pressing too much. We often don’t have an inkling of the ultimate solution at first. Just lose some control—stop projecting and speculating—stay in the moment, and allow events to unfold by themselves.

In other words, let go of “mind control.”

At some point, a probable solution or course of action may emerge, and you can act on it. If that prospect fizzles out, wait for another path to open up for you. Eventually you should find a path that leads to a workable resolution—and even if you aren’t successful in resolving your issue, you will at least eliminate the ongoing worry and anxiety caused by your procrastination!

Look for my next post on overcoming withdrawal!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” them on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Check out my related post, “The Harms of Withdrawal–and How to Return” https://jxz.d21.myftpupload.com/2020/01/27/the-harms-of-withdrawal-and-how-to-return/