The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents

| November 10, 2021


I wanted to acquaint you with a new book I am writing.   Its title is The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents.

The mystery, randomness, and freeness of ocean waves  (high and low tides, riptides and undertows, crests, swells, murky waters, etc.) serve as a metaphor for an expansive life path that closely parallels surfing or riding waves.

The book explores how we can meaningfully navigate the currents in all aspects of our lives—work, love, friendships, parenting, aging, sports and performance, and creative endeavors, and enjoy the many gifts that follow.

Formidable wave “barriers” such as control, judgment, fear, denial, high expectations, limited thinking, and unclear boundaries are examined together with wave “enhancers” such as trust, acceptance, humility, and intuition.

Below is an excerpt from The Wave.  I welcome your comments, suggestions, and experiences about riding the wave.

If you wish to be kept abreast of the book’s progress and receive future excerpts, please email info@losingcontrolfindingserenity.com

And remember to,

Let It Go-and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

………………………….

THE WAVE

” When you observe nature for any period, you can sense the presence of a natural process or rhythm.  You may notice it in the way leaves fall from a tree, gently floating down to form eloquent patterns on the grass.  Or as I first did, watching the way ocean waves build, crest, flow and change course in an endless variety of movements.

At such moments, we sense that the life force or energy we are experiencing is unpredictable and unknowable yet has an innate and vast intelligence all its own, one well beyond our capacity to understand.

We also realize that, as mysterious as this universal rhythm is, we are a part of it.

I refer to this rhythm as the Wave or life’s currents.  It is intrinsically truthful and cannot be controlled or manipulated.  It just “is”, and though it may feel ancient, it is always present.

There is a noticeable cohesiveness to it; a harmony of co-existence; a wisdom and mystery waiting to be discovered.

Ralph Waldo Emerson poetically described this rhythm of truth as:“There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life…then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

Before that day at the beach many years ago, I had no inkling of such a guidance.   I had been too engulfed in futile battles and engagements.

Today I feel the comfort of its presence when I sit in my back yard early mornings, listening to the cheerful medleys of song birds and the cooing of doves, watching the branches of my magnificent olive tree gently swaying as they reach toward the sky, and the ground squirrels scampering around its limbs.

Indeed, I feel it in the stillness and solitude of nature most anywhere; when I hug an oak tree; inhale the strong  aroma of eucalyptus leaves; or watch colorful humming birds darting from flower to flower.

I also feel it most of the time when I’m painting or channeling verses that occasionally lead to poems.

I have come to learn that the more I am able to live my life in harmony with this natural rhythm, or ride the Wave, the more I am able to discover solutions to my most pressing and troubling concerns and enjoy the unplanned, spontaneous moments in life and marvel at the beauty all around me.

That is not to say that the rides are always smooth or easy, or without low tides and riptides.   I tumble often.   The difference now is that it is not for as long or as severe because I am more aware of how and why I slipped and have learned some ways to return.

Like Emerson, I believe “there is a guidance for each of us.” It is up to me to lowly listen and place myself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom.  Writing this book is part of my endeavor to do that and I hope encourage readers to discover their waves.

It also is to remind me that I am not the only wave in the ocean and that I need to accept, respect, and honor the waves of others, lest I find myself “making waves!”

As expressed earlier, for me the metaphor that comes closest to the vision of aligning with this natural rhythm are ocean waves.  The mystery, randomness, and freeness of waves closely parallel the expansive life path I am seeking.

Think about bodysurfing in the challenges you face.  There will be a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer.  Some will simply vanish.   Many will change course.

We have no control or influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.

As soon as one crests near us, we extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and try to glide with it.  We make adjustments along the way, if needed.  If we encounter turbulence, which we often will, we can protect ourselves; for example, wrapping our hands around our head if we are forcefully thrown asunder, or pulling out of the currents or diving beneath the waves.

Much of the time, though unpredictable, the ride will be smoother and often enjoyable, and at times even exhilarating.  And the lows not as severe or as long.

In a similar vein, consider how experienced surfers engage and ride waves.   First, they patiently observe how the waves are building and developing near them; when they sense there may be a good–and safe—one to ride, they paddle toward it, aligning their boards with the cresting wave; if it looks too strong or dangerous, they pull out and wait for another; if it looks good, they quickly paddle some more, hop on their board, and begin their ride.

Surfers accept that the waves, and not they, are in control; that they can easily be sent flying off their boards into crashing waters if they resist their flow.  They know, however, that they can enjoy exhilarating rides by aligning, and gliding, with the waves.

It is easy to discern the practices and attitudes that are essential for skillfully and safely surfing or riding waves: awareness, observation, acceptance, patience, humility, trust, instincts and intuition, and the willingness to surrender or let go of control.

It’s not as easy to discern the practices and attitudes that obstruct riding waves: control, arrogance, high expectations, judgment, denial, limited thinking, and fear.

We will see in the pages ahead that the very same factors, or wave “enhancers”and “barriers,” strongly impact how we  navigate our currents in work, love, friendships, parenting, aging, sports and performance, and creative endeavors.”

END OF EXCERPT

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Truths and Tips #9: Letting Go of Control

| December 16, 2020

Q: What is wrong with trying to control the circumstances of our lives?

A: It’s important to distinguish between those circumstances that are set or fixed and those that are not.  There is a broad range of events and circumstances that we cannot change or control:  computer glitches, equipment failures, flight cancelations, and bureaucratic inefficiencies, to name just a few.

We also can’t change people’s basic natures and ways–as much as we may wish to. (more…)

Truths and Tips #7: Letting Go of Control

| November 25, 2020

Q: How can letting go of control allay some of the fear and anxiety associated with the current economic uncertainty brought about by Covid-19? 

A: The feeling of being powerless over our finances (and job prospects) can be extremely discomfiting and stressful–perhaps more so now than ever.   Our fear and anxiety compel us to control more.

However, when we try to control too much, we are putting “blinders” on ourselves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that could make life (and finances) better for us. (more…)

Truths and Tips #6: Letting Go of Control

| November 17, 2020

         

Q: Is it difficult to let go of control?  Where does one begin? 

A:   Letting go of control can be extremely difficult because we have been raised with control; it is taught to us and all around us.  Our parents, bosses, teachers, and religious leaders—much of what they do is control based.

Control is thus what we have come to know. It is what we think works for us (which I strongly refute in Losing Control, Finding Serenity).   As such, it is a deeply engrained habit—one in which we feel very uncomfortable and even insecure in giving up.

The first step in changing the propensity to control is to become better aware of your controlling ways.  Many of us have little inkling of how much, how often, and in what we ways we try to control people and things around us.  We can see it in others, but much less so in ourselves.

Control can be subtle.   Suggesting or reminding too frequently, encouraging too strongly, or preaching too intently are common control devices.  Enabling our children and loved ones is another.

The “decontrol” process starts with an honest inventory of your controlling patterns. To do this, you have to reign in your ego and muster the courage to see yourself as you are—blemishes and all.

For example, are you typically judgmental? Highly opinionated? Overly critical? Too aggressive?

Questions to Ponder:

“Can you identify two ways you controlled today?”

“Are you fearful of what might happen if you let go of a pressing matter for a day?

Please share your answers with me!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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         Truths and Tips #5: Letting Go of Control

| November 2, 2020

Q: How does our need to control stiffen life’s possibilities? 

A:   When we focus too intently on trying to control or change people and things we are putting “blinders” on our selves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that are before us.  We are too closed-minded and not open to new ideas and ways of doing things.

Life is in a constant state of motion; fluid, shifting, changing, always moving.   As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—and that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.   The result is much the same as if you tried to grab on to a rapidly moving conveyor belt; you may slow it down temporarily, but you would ultimately get burned or dragged along!

So let go of control and expand life’s possibilities!

Questions to Ponder: 

Q: “Have you ever felt the freedom and lightness of ‘going with the flow?’”

Q:  “Was there a sense of ‘letting go’ associated with it?”

Please share your responses with me and others!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Truths and Tips #4: Letting Go of Control

| October 26, 2020

Q: What does a person gain when they relinquish control? 

A: They gain greater vision and clarity—and ultimately greater serenity.

Relinquishing control (or, as I sometimes say, losing control) frees life’s “natural currents” and allows us to engage those currents in a more intuitive and expansive manner, thereby enhancing our life paths.   In doing so, it reduces stress and anxiety;  lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and closer bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.

The intensity of our controlling actions obstructs our vision and we are unable to “see” the options and make the choices that would vastly improve our lives—emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and even financially.   Instead we are immersed in our fears and worries because of our not accepting life as it is.

Questions to ponder: 

Q: “Have troublesome issues ever  improved when you surrendered control?”

Q: “Have meaningful choices appeared when you stopped pressing?”

Please share your responses with me and others!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Truths and Tips #3: Letting Go of Control

| October 19, 2020

Q: How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less?  (Part 2)

A: Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips Q&A #2 emphasized the importance of identifying our fears as the first step in reducing or removing them.

Once you have a clearer understanding of your fears, the next step is to confront and process them.

Here are two ways to do that:

  1. Objectify your fears. Separate the “real facts” from the dramas that your emotions script with respect to your unsettling feelings and concerns. The real facts are rarely as foreboding as our imaginations make them be.  Most often they are illusory.

An acronym for this propensity is False Evidence Appearing Real.

So, make an effort to Objectify your fears by questioning the “false evidence!”

  1. Don’t speculate.Most speculations are negative.   Be aware of your mind’s posing “what might happens” and then cease. You have the power to do that!

It helps if you remember an acronym for this unhealthy dynamic: Future Events Already Ruined.

Remember that nothing is “ruined” at this moment!  Most of my speculations never happened.   Very likely, yours, too.  Be cognizant of that, and

Don’t Speculate!  

I can tell you with confidence that if you are able to confront and process your fears in these ways, even if only for a short while, their tentacles will begin to loosen their grip and you will experience immediate relief, and with that, your need or compulsion to control will diminish.   Maybe even disappear!

Questions to Ponder: 

  1. How often do you speculate about future events?
  1. What percentage of time did they fail to occur?

I would be curious to know your answers.  Please share them with me.

In the meantime, remember to

“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips (#2)

| October 5, 2020

Truth and Tips Q&A #1 explained how fear was the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes. Q&A #2 is a logical follow up:

Q:How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less? (Part One) 

A:  Effectively reducing our fears is usually a multi-step process.    It begins with clearly identifying what they are.  For many, this is not so easy, because our fears easily bask in our lack of awareness.   We tend to attribute the anxiety and discomfort that fears generate to other things.  It is much easier to look elsewhere than it is to look within us.

Thus, one of the best ways to detect this most tricky of emotions is to do a fear inquiry.   Recall the day’s events as specifically as possible.  The fear-invoking event will be lurking in there somewhere. More often than not, it is something you totally blocked—and why not.  It was too painful to deal with at the time.

In doing your fear inquiry, be aware of any anger or resentment you may be harboring.  Anger is commonly an aggressive response to our fears, and it too, invokes controlling actions.   Still another sure sign is when you procrastinate in addressing important tasks and challenges.

Our fears can also have a strong physical presence.  Note where they may be located—tight chest and stomach, painful lower back, or somewhere else—and try to “feel” their presence.  As you do, breathe in and out slowly, and they will usually be revealed–and even ease.

Once we have a clearer understanding of our fears and how they impact us, we can then begin to find ways to defuse them. One effective way is to confront and process them.  I will offer some tools to help you do that in my next post.

Until then, I will leave you with two

Questions to Ponder: 

“Did you discover any “unknown” fears during your fear inquiry?  What were they?”

“Did knowing what they were lessen their impact?”

Please share your responses with me!

In the meantime, remember to

“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips (#1)

| September 29, 2020

The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.

Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.

Below is the first one.  Others will follow in upcoming posts.

Q:  What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes? 

A:  FEAR!  Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions.  We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses.  In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive.    That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.

Questions for You to Ponder: 

“What core fears propel you to control?”

“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways?   How ?”

Please share your responses with me!

In the meantime,

“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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The Harms of Withdrawal–And How to “Return”

| January 27, 2020

 

In a recent post, I explained how procrastination is a control based avoidance mechanism that carries potentially severe consequences.  Withdrawal is another such mechanism that can be even more detrimental to our well-being.

At times we all have had the urge to retreat and “hole up” and just escape the world.   This is understandable given the burdens, responsibilities, and pressures we face today.

For much of my adult life, withdrawal was my default mode, usually triggered by strong anger, feeling mistreated, or being overwhelmed.

Truth be told, it didn’t take much for me to emotionally “leave” my loved ones.

It was often easier for me to retreat into my private world of painful thoughts than to confront vital issues head-on.   Blame was often the game, as I remained stuck in my self-pity.

Indeed, I can’t think of anything positive that ever resulted from my absences.

Harms of Withdrawal

Withdrawal can become a self-perpetuating process.   The longer your departure, the more difficult your return, and by the time you do return, considerable harm may have already occurred—to you and others.

At home, your mates and family may feel rejected and helpless– even abandoned.  At work, it is difficult to focus on important tasks and assignments, as well as interact with co-workers and customers.

In the arts, your creativity is easily submerged.   And with intimate relations, your sex drive can disappear.

Returning from Exile 

Consequently, because of its negative momentum, withdrawal needs to be nipped in the bud.   I learned that it is important to learn from your past history what makes you depart, and then make an effort to timely counter it.

For many, unprocessed anger and resentment are the catalysts.  For others, it may be financial or health fears, or deteriorating personal relationships.  Grief and sadness, particularly from the loss of a loved one or a close relationship, are also prevalent causes of withdrawal.

To return from your personal “exile,” it is paramount that these core feelings and emotions be processed; otherwise they will fester, propelling you deeper into your inner sanctum.  You must “face and embrace” them; “lean” in to them, if you will.   As you do, the barriers to your return will begin to thaw.

A good way to process your unsettling feelings and emotions is by sharing them with a trusted friend or confidant.   Another is to write about them in some way.

During one withdrawal, I wrote the below poem about withdrawal and what I needed to do to overcome it.   It is included at the beginning of the chapter titled  Avoiding Avoidance in Losing Control, Finding Serenity

Default Mode                                                         

“Engulfed with anger,

We retreat.

Ensnarled by fear,

We hide.

 

Webbed by doubts

We avoid.

Immersed in pities,

We remain

In exile—

With no default mode.

 

To return,

Joust the fears,

Lose the anger,

Embrace the truth, and

Face the danger.”

Please share  your experiences with withdrawal.  What typically induces it? How does it impact you?  And how do you overcome it?

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is”! 

Danny

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The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Avoiding Avoidance

| November 12, 2019

Many of us have little inkling about how much, how often, and in what ways we try to control people and things around us—and how it harms us.  Controlling conduct is not always assertive or overt.   It is often subtle and even passive, but no less harmful.

Avoidance is one such debilitating form of control.

You may not think of avoidance as a control mechanism.   But it is.  It’s “mind control,” if you will. When we avoid, we direct and manipulate our thoughts and actions away from important life challenges and issues.  The consequences can be severe, personally and in the work place.

                                                                     Avoiding Avoidance 

The two most prevalent types of avoidance are procrastination and withdrawal.   Both are control mechanisms that impact our well-being. (This post addresses procrastination.  The following one will address withdrawal. )

Procrastination often results in lost opportunities.  When you delay in addressing problems, opportunities to resolve them can pass by.   Moreover, unattended problems easily mushroom into larger and sometimes unmanageable ones.  And if you finally do address them, more time and energy are required to resolve them.

A personal case in point.

I once delayed taking action with regard to a group of teenagers who were skateboarding up the courtyard walls and on the railings of a Nevada office building I owned.   When my manager first reported the problem to me, I listened but did nothing.  I silently hoped it would go away and promptly found other things at work to occupy my mind.

A week later, graffiti appeared on the walls of the building.  Several tenants threatened to leave because of it.  I was very upset, but still did nothing, preferring to see the vandalism as an isolated event.

Several days later, one of our tenants was burglarized.   Finally, I acted.   We gated the rear entrance to the building, extended the hours of our manager, and added  large planters in the courtyard to prevent  skateboarding up the walls—all of which could have been done two months prior, avoiding nights of lost sleep.

One thing I learned from this experience is,

We may try to “bury” things, but that doesn’t mean they go away! 

They are still present, albeit in the far reaches of our minds, where they are nourished and magnified by our fears. 

Awareness is a prerequisite to taking action. 

As I explain in Losing Control, Finding Serenity, the first step in letting go of control is to become better aware of our controlling ways.   Many people don’t think of procrastination as a controlling mechanism.  That’s because they may not consciously be aware they have problems that need addressing.   Denial can be persuasive.  It’s easy to “turn a blind eye.”

But on some level, we know our problems are there.   Anxiety and discomfort, including physical symptoms, can serve as an awareness guide.   When you are feeling low or depressed—or angry–consider whether you are procrastinating about addressing something important.

Process your fears.

We can become so absorbed with the “what ifs” and “what could happens” that we are afraid to take any action at all.   We often feel “frozen in our tracks.”

A worst case scenario exercise is an excellent tool to help overcome these obsessive fears.

When you are hesitant to act, project the worst things that could happen through a series of “what if” inquiries so that you can get everything out on the table.   As you do, try to separate fact from fiction.  Then map out an action plan should your worst fears materialize.  (In most cases they won’t because they were either illusory or insignificant.) By having a plan, the potential problems will feel less daunting and your fears will diminish, allowing you to effectively meat your challenges head-on.  Next,

Let go of control.

If your plan stalls or doesn’t seem to work at first, don’t be deterred.   You may be pressing too much.   We often don’t have an inkling of the ultimate solution at first.   Just lose some control—stop projecting and speculating—stay in the moment, and allow events to unfold by themselves.

In other words, let go of  “mind control.”

At some point, a probable solution or course of action may emerge, and you can act on it.   If that prospect fizzles out, wait for another path to open up for you.   Eventually you should find a path that leads to a workable resolution—and even if you aren’t successful in resolving your issue, you will at least eliminate the ongoing worry and anxiety caused by your procrastination!

Look for my next post on overcoming withdrawal! 

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

 *If you enjoyed this post, please “like” them on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Check out my related post, “The Harms of Withdrawal–and How to Return” https://jxz.d21.myftpupload.com/2020/01/27/the-harms-of-withdrawal-and-how-to-return/