Q: What is wrong with trying to control the circumstances of our lives?
A: It’s important to distinguish between those circumstances that are set or fixed and those that are not. There is a broad range of events and circumstances that we cannot change or control: computer glitches, equipment failures, flight cancelations, and bureaucratic inefficiencies, to name just a few.
We also can’t change people’s basic natures and ways–as much as we may wish to. (more…)
Q: How can letting go of control allay some of the fear and anxiety associated with the current economic uncertainty brought about by Covid-19?
A: The feeling of being powerless over our finances (and job prospects) can be extremely discomfiting and stressful–perhaps more so now than ever. Our fear and anxiety compel us to control more.
However, when we try to control too much, we are putting “blinders” on ourselves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that could make life (and finances) better for us. (more…)
Q: Is it difficult to let go of control? Where does one begin?
A: Letting go of control can be extremely difficult because we have been raised with control; it is taught to us and all around us. Our parents, bosses, teachers, and religious leaders—much of what they do is control based.
Control is thus what we have come to know. It is what we think works for us (which I strongly refute in Losing Control, Finding Serenity). As such, it is a deeply engrained habit—one in which we feel very uncomfortable and even insecure in giving up.
The first step in changing the propensity to control is to become better aware of your controlling ways. Many of us have little inkling of how much, how often, and in what we ways we try to control people and things around us. We can see it in others, but much less so in ourselves.
Control can be subtle. Suggesting or reminding too frequently, encouraging too strongly, or preaching too intently are common control devices. Enabling our children and loved ones is another.
The “decontrol” process starts with an honest inventory of your controlling patterns. To do this, you have to reign in your ego and muster the courage to see yourself as you are—blemishes and all.
For example, are you typically judgmental? Highly opinionated? Overly critical? Too aggressive?
Questions to Ponder:
“Can you identify two ways you controlled today?”
“Are you fearful of what might happen if you let go of a pressing matter for a day?
Please share your answers with me!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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Q: How does our need to control stiffen life’s possibilities?
A: When we focus too intently on trying to control or change people and things we are putting “blinders” on our selves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that are before us. We are too closed-minded and not open to new ideas and ways of doing things.
Life is in a constant state of motion; fluid, shifting, changing, always moving. As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—and that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do. The result is much the same as if you tried to grab on to a rapidly moving conveyor belt; you may slow it down temporarily, but you would ultimately get burned or dragged along!
So let go of control and expand life’s possibilities!
Questions to Ponder:
Q: “Have you ever felt the freedom and lightness of ‘going with the flow?’”
Q: “Was there a sense of ‘letting go’ associated with it?”
Please share your responses with me and others!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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Q: How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less? (Part 2)
A: Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips Q&A #2 emphasized the importance of identifying our fears as the first step in reducing or removing them.
Once you have a clearer understanding of your fears, the next step is to confront and process them.
Here are two ways to do that:
An acronym for this propensity is False Evidence Appearing Real.
So, make an effort to Objectify your fears by questioning the “false evidence!”
It helps if you remember an acronym for this unhealthy dynamic: Future Events Already Ruined.
Remember that nothing is “ruined” at this moment! Most of my speculations never happened. Very likely, yours, too. Be cognizant of that, and
Don’t Speculate!
I can tell you with confidence that if you are able to confront and process your fears in these ways, even if only for a short while, their tentacles will begin to loosen their grip and you will experience immediate relief, and with that, your need or compulsion to control will diminish. Maybe even disappear!
Questions to Ponder:
I would be curious to know your answers. Please share them with me.
In the meantime, remember to
“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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Truth and Tips Q&A #1 explained how fear was the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes. Q&A #2 is a logical follow up:
Q:How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less? (Part One)
A: Effectively reducing our fears is usually a multi-step process. It begins with clearly identifying what they are. For many, this is not so easy, because our fears easily bask in our lack of awareness. We tend to attribute the anxiety and discomfort that fears generate to other things. It is much easier to look elsewhere than it is to look within us.
Thus, one of the best ways to detect this most tricky of emotions is to do a fear inquiry. Recall the day’s events as specifically as possible. The fear-invoking event will be lurking in there somewhere. More often than not, it is something you totally blocked—and why not. It was too painful to deal with at the time.
In doing your fear inquiry, be aware of any anger or resentment you may be harboring. Anger is commonly an aggressive response to our fears, and it too, invokes controlling actions. Still another sure sign is when you procrastinate in addressing important tasks and challenges.
Our fears can also have a strong physical presence. Note where they may be located—tight chest and stomach, painful lower back, or somewhere else—and try to “feel” their presence. As you do, breathe in and out slowly, and they will usually be revealed–and even ease.
Once we have a clearer understanding of our fears and how they impact us, we can then begin to find ways to defuse them. One effective way is to confront and process them. I will offer some tools to help you do that in my next post.
Until then, I will leave you with two
Questions to Ponder:
“Did you discover any “unknown” fears during your fear inquiry? What were they?”
“Did knowing what they were lessen their impact?”
Please share your responses with me!
In the meantime, remember to
“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.
Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.
Below is the first one. Others will follow in upcoming posts.
Q: What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes?
A: FEAR! Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions. We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses. In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive. That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.
Questions for You to Ponder:
“What core fears propel you to control?”
“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways? How ?”
Please share your responses with me!
In the meantime,
“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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Many of us have little inkling about how much, how often, and in what ways we try to control people and things around us—and how it harms us. Controlling conduct is not always assertive or overt. It is often subtle and even passive, but no less harmful.
Avoidance is one such debilitating form of control.
You may not think of avoidance as a control mechanism. But it is. It’s “mind control,” if you will. When we avoid, we direct and manipulate our thoughts and actions away from important life challenges and issues. The consequences can be severe, personally and in the work place.
Avoiding Avoidance
The two most prevalent types of avoidance are procrastination and withdrawal. Both are control mechanisms that impact our well-being. (This post addresses procrastination. The following one will address withdrawal. )
Procrastination often results in lost opportunities. When you delay in addressing problems, opportunities to resolve them can pass by. Moreover, unattended problems easily mushroom into larger and sometimes unmanageable ones. And if you finally do address them, more time and energy are required to resolve them.
A personal case in point.
I once delayed taking action with regard to a group of teenagers who were skateboarding up the courtyard walls and on the railings of a Nevada office building I owned. When my manager first reported the problem to me, I listened but did nothing. I silently hoped it would go away and promptly found other things at work to occupy my mind.
A week later, graffiti appeared on the walls of the building. Several tenants threatened to leave because of it. I was very upset, but still did nothing, preferring to see the vandalism as an isolated event.
Several days later, one of our tenants was burglarized. Finally, I acted. We gated the rear entrance to the building, extended the hours of our manager, and added large planters in the courtyard to prevent skateboarding up the walls—all of which could have been done two months prior, avoiding nights of lost sleep.
One thing I learned from this experience is,
We may try to “bury” things, but that doesn’t mean they go away!
They are still present, albeit in the far reaches of our minds, where they are nourished and magnified by our fears.
Awareness is a prerequisite to taking action.
As I explain in Losing Control, Finding Serenity, the first step in letting go of control is to become better aware of our controlling ways. Many people don’t think of procrastination as a controlling mechanism. That’s because they may not consciously be aware they have problems that need addressing. Denial can be persuasive. It’s easy to “turn a blind eye.”
But on some level, we know our problems are there. Anxiety and discomfort, including physical symptoms, can serve as an awareness guide. When you are feeling low or depressed—or angry–consider whether you are procrastinating about addressing something important.
Process your fears.
We can become so absorbed with the “what ifs” and “what could happens” that we are afraid to take any action at all. We often feel “frozen in our tracks.”
A worst case scenario exercise is an excellent tool to help overcome these obsessive fears.
When you are hesitant to act, project the worst things that could happen through a series of “what if” inquiries so that you can get everything out on the table. As you do, try to separate fact from fiction. Then map out an action plan should your worst fears materialize. (In most cases they won’t because they were either illusory or insignificant.) By having a plan, the potential problems will feel less daunting and your fears will diminish, allowing you to effectively meat your challenges head-on. Next,
Let go of control.
If your plan stalls or doesn’t seem to work at first, don’t be deterred. You may be pressing too much. We often don’t have an inkling of the ultimate solution at first. Just lose some control—stop projecting and speculating—stay in the moment, and allow events to unfold by themselves.
In other words, let go of “mind control.”
At some point, a probable solution or course of action may emerge, and you can act on it. If that prospect fizzles out, wait for another path to open up for you. Eventually you should find a path that leads to a workable resolution—and even if you aren’t successful in resolving your issue, you will at least eliminate the ongoing worry and anxiety caused by your procrastination!
Look for my next post on overcoming withdrawal!
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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Check out my related post, “The Harms of Withdrawal–and How to Return” https://jxz.d21.myftpupload.com/2020/01/27/the-harms-of-withdrawal-and-how-to-return/
As a prequel to the pages of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, I cited the following insightful words of Ralph Waldo Emerson from his essay, “Spiritual Laws,” published in 1841:
“There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life…then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”
In recently reflecting upon Emerson’s words again, I thought about how peaceful and wonderful it is to be “in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom” that brings us “a perfect contentment”–even if for only a few moments at a time.
The Correlationship Between Control and Contentment
His words are such a poetic expression of the strong correlation—and dynamic–between letting go of control and living within the abode of power, wisdom, and contentment. My book’s title Losing Control, Finding Serenity is intended to reflect that correlationship.
Simply put, control obstructs the “stream” of life’s natural currents. You can’t flow when you control.
That’s why I write extensively in the book and in this blog about the catalysts and causes of our controlling actions and how we can overcome them.
The Correlationship Between Fear and Control
One major cause is worth examining again: Fear
Our fears about all the “what ifs” and “what might happens” cause us to hold on tightly, to “grip” life’s natural currents. As such, much like gripping a moving conveyor built, we either get “burned” or dragged along.
Fears are almost always illusory and don’t like being exposed for what they are–cowardly.
Thus, to overcome our fears, we must address and process them. We must move closer to them, confront them–and call their bluff! The following acronym for fear identifies one way to do that: Future Events Already Ruined. Hence,
Don’t make assumptions or speculate about the future negatively.
Instead, address what is real for you today and trust that you will be able to handle what tomorrow brings–tomorrow. In doing so, you will reduce your compulsion to control and thereby place yourself in the middle of the stream of power, wisdom, and contentment. And what a great place to be!
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What is!” and,
Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
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There are formidable challenges to accepting people and things as they are. In the Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are I explore in depth how to overcome the main obstacles to practicing acceptance. As part of my efforts to help “Make Acceptance Go Viral,” I recently wrote an article for the popular blog, Purpose Fairy, entitled “Four Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance–and How to Overcome Them,” which is reproduced below. I hope you find it helpful in practicing acceptance.
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“More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships. Acceptance leads to a life marked by realistic expectations, greater humility, and new choices, discoveries, and possibilities, as well as reduced sorry, stress, and frustrations—a life where hope replaces despair.
The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer andthe widely practiced 12 Step Programs. It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.
Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is not difficult. Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to “practice acceptance”? And why do we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.
Overcoming Four Major Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance
I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it. I have done extensive research, reflected on my own experience with hardships, and interviewed people who are blessed with the serenity of living in acceptance, even in the most discouraging situations.
In doing so, I have come to believe there are at least four fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance.
We Are Too Fearful.
Fear is a powerful acceptance blocker. We are fearful that if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed. For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school (and not get into college!) Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects and quirks of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.
Consequently, facing and processing such acceptance fears make it much easier to accept others and things as they are. Our fears are mostly illusory or speculative. Apt acronyms for FEAR are False EvidenceAppearing Real and Future Events Already Ruined. Think about this for a moment. Isn’t it the case that most of our fears are based on suppositions, speculations concerning events that haven’t yet occurred? If you constantly remind yourself of this, your fears will not undermine you.
We Expect Too Much of Others.
Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.
Our expectations are often based on our perceived needs that we look to others to satisfy. The real truth is that only wecan satisfy our core needs.
To help moderate your expectations, here are three pertinent questions you can ask yourself:
Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations of another person?
Am I looking for him to fulfill those needs?
Can she realistically fulfill those needs– even if she wanted to?
We Lack Trust and Faith.
Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay (or that we will be okay) if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it “play out” naturally because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.
Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions. You need only look back on your past life experiences and travails to realize this is the case. I have found that it helps to verbalize trust; i.e., “I trust that (fill in the blank) will work out okay”, “I trust that I will overcome this challenge.”
We Are Not Humble Enough.
Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way is the best or right way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.
It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe. Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently. To believe that our way is best for others borders on arrogance.
An Acceptance Challenge!
Overcoming these acceptance obstacles—even partially—enhances practicing acceptance. Thus, during this week I challenge you to focus on accepting people and things as they are—which is to say accepting life on life’s terms—by reducing your expectations, being more humble, addressing your fears, and trusting that everything will turn out as it is meant to me.
In doing so, I am confident The Gifts of Acceptance await you!”
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I would be very interested in learning about what obstacles have made it difficult for you to accept people and things as they are and how you have overcome or mitigated their impact.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is.”
….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
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**I am excited to let you know that The Gifts of Acceptance is now available as an audiobook on audible.com.
The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people. We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.
Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”
I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety: Let Go of Control!
Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.
Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more during the holidays if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?
You can—by letting go of control. Here are some holiday decontrol tips that will assist you.
Try not to expect too much of others, especially family. As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment—and the harmful control actions warned against in recovery books. It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act. After all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves. And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.
For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a holiday dinner or party, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen. Instead trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur and still enjoy the reunion.
Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions. Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush. Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way. Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully. To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.
Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking. Don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.” Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen! Instead, trust that everything will work out as it was meant to be. By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.
Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. I devote an entire chapter to embracing your Personal Truths in Losing Control, Finding Serenity.
In simple terms, this involves identifying and processing the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.
For example, if you are feeling anxious because of all the things you feel you want or need to do during the holidays, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it. Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically. Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it. As many recovery books suggest, “Embrace” it, if you will. Ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t? The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.
Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.
If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will enjoy the holidays more. You might even look forward to them!
In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season. And remember to,
Let It Go!
Danny
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How often do you find yourself wondering, “where has all the time gone today—or this week?” I wonder about that fairly often and my guess is that most people do as well—and it’s an issue that constantly frustrates control freaks. There is no question (in my mind, at least) that our ever-complex, technology driven world absorbs bundles of our time—ironically, often through the use of “time-saving” devices such as texting, googling, using engaging apps, and the like. Similarly, most time-saving strategies simply make room for us to do more things with our time, rather than relieving time related stress and pressure.
Consequently, we always feel woefully short of time. Leslie Perlow of the Harvard School of Business has aptly coined the phrase “time famine” to describe this time quandary.
There is another (and easily overlooked) reason that many of us find ourselves short of time: We are too controlling.
Losing Control, Finding Time
Constantly trying to control or change others or things takes inordinate amounts of time.
Think about it for a moment. All the time and effort you put into fruitless control efforts deprive you from doing many of the things you would like to do, but don’t have the time to do!
As I have repeatedly expressed in this blog and in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (an Amazon Best Seller now for 5 years in a row), people will truly change only when they are ready and willing to do so, and all our advising, pressuring, pleading, etc., is for naught.
Simply put, we are powerless over changing others—at least in any meaningful way.
So why not lose control and find more time—a lot more! In past posts I shared some effective decontrol tools.
Here’s for changing your time famine to a time surplus! Click through to learn more about control freaks and how to solve your own issues with detachment.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go!
Danny
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