I Honor My Father by Accepting Him as He Is

| June 11, 2019

My father, Morry Miller, was only 21 years old when this Air Force photo of him was taken. During World War II he captained over 35 missions in the dangerous South Pacific with the famous (and infamous) heavy, unsafe B-24 bomber that was prominently featured in the movie “Unbroken” several years ago. My dad returned from the War a small town hero in his native Redlands, CA.

He also returned a strict disciplinarian to his unwitting three year old son–me. Growing up, our relationship was never easy. It seemed that whatever I accomplished in school or sports was never good enough for him. When I received A-s and B+s, I was greeted with “why didn’t you get A’s?”  When I got a hit in a little league baseball game, he wanted to know why I didn’t get more.

As I began to sprout my wings as a teenager and young adult, we constantly battled, and his punishment of choice was not to speak to me for sometimes months at a time.   I  questioned whether he loved me because I never heard, “I love you Danny.” My mother always assured me that he did, but that didn’t convince me.

But this Father’s Day, I choose to honor my father (who turns 97 today!), to love and admire him–and to accept him as he is, even though he remains very  judgmental.  Why? Because very simply, I know that he did the best he could as an extremely young father with limited parenting tools who didn’t have the many opportunities and resources (particularly educational, social, and financial) that he generously afforded me.

I  do so because of the important values he passed on to me: a strong work ethic and conducting one’s affairs in a principled and truthful manner, and because his not acknowledging me  ultimately caused me to strive harder and achieve greater success in college and in my career.

I do so because he never meant me any harm; quite the contrary, he truly wanted what was best for me.

I do so because of the  constant love and dedication he has shown in taking care of my mother, who had a debilitating stroke six years ago.

And finally, I do so because it frees me from resentments from the past and allows me to focus on the things that will improve my life.

As I explain in The Gifts of Acceptance and my other writings on the subject, the gifts of acceptance are reciprocal. By accepting my father as he is, our bond has grown stronger each year and we share many intimate moments– and, I now gratefully hear, “Danny, I love you.”

So this Father’s Day, I encourage you to choose Acceptance. My prior post, “The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: Acceptance” further explains why.  You can also watch my recent CBS tv interview on the subject here:http://tinyurl.com/y67aljvb

I love you Dad!

In the meantime,

Let It Go–And Accept What Is!

Danny

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The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: ACCEPTANCE

| May 1, 2019

We’re taught to honor our mother and father.   But what if they weren’t exactly a model of calm maternal and paternal caring, strength, and guidance during your childhood.   What if they still criticize and demean you, infuriate you, or simply push your buttons?

This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, why not try accepting them?  Why should you, you might wonder?  Because choosing acceptance can make a world of difference, and perhaps none more so than with accepting our parents–faults, blemishes, defects, and all.

Three Important Reasons Why We Should Accept Our Parents

It releases us from the shackles of the pastand the anger and resentment for what they did or didn’t do for us or give us.  With acceptance, we are no longer bound to our parents for our happiness and security.  It is when we continue to blame, resent, and despise our parents, that we remain stuck in the past.

There is a critical shift in focus to what we can do to improve our own lives.  Simply put, we are free to discover who we really are and who we can become.

It can improve and even heal our relationship with them.   When we stop seeking or expecting what our parents can’t or are unable to give us, trying to change their ways, or judging them, trust, openness, and even intimacy can result.

What Does Accepting Our Parents Really Mean?

Accepting our parents is not easy, and often extremely difficult, especially if there has been serious past abuse and transgressions.*  That’s why in The Gifts of Acceptance, I offer tools, strategies, and intentions that make it easier to accept our parents as they are.

One key is to remember that accepting our parents does not mean that we are excusing or condoning their conduct or behavior. Rather, we are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way they are—and acknowledging that we have little or no power to change them—and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for us aligned with that reality. (See my previous post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

For many, acceptance is a way to emotionally and spiritually detach themselves from the resentment and obstructions that accompany such behavior. So, consider this:

In giving “the gifts of acceptance” to our parents this Mother’s and Father’s Day, we are also receiving profound gifts. 

Please share your experiences and stories in accepting your parents, including the challenges and obstacles you faced, what helped and what didn’t,  whether it improved your relationship with them, and whether it helped you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—And Accept “What Is!” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

*I do not mean to suggest that where there has been severe parental abuse (including emotional and sexual) violence, or similarly harmful behavior, that children should accept their parents at all costs.  It is a very personal decision.  Many who have suffered such abuse are adamant about not forgiving or accepting their parents, feeling no benefit would be derived therefrom.  Others (as shared in my book) found it was essential to releasing the past and moving forward in their lives.

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