Relationships Archives - Daniel Miller

Let Go of Judgment–No Good Comes From It!

Daniel A. Miller | December 20, 2022

Do you ever find yourself rolling your eyes over what someone does? Or shaking your head in judgment of their choices or the way they are? Or find yourself thinking or saying things like “You’re doing it all wrong!”, “He talks too much”, or “They’re way too indulgent with their kids.”

These kinds of gratuitous, self-righteous judgments, some would say, “are none of our business.”They have a certain “know-it-all-ness” to them; a “we know better” than others. Yet, little do we know or consider the reasons or contexts in which people act or make their decisions. Nor do we account for our personal biases and prejudices.

Moreover, such judgments can easily invoke resentment and push people away, and divert our attention from making better choices for ourselves. In many respects, judging is a diversionary tactic that distracts us from taking stock of our lives and improving our own shortcomings. And it doesn’t change how people believe or act in any meaningful sense. If anything, judging puts people on the defensive and their views become hardened.

In short, no good comes from it!

As a controller by nature, the judgment barrier has been an ongoing challenge for me to overcome. It’s such an ingrained habit, that much of the time I am not aware that I’m judging. It takes many forms; some overt, some subtle. Criticizing, admonishing, shaming, being smug, dismissive, and sarcastic are a few prevalent ways we judge. So, too, sneers and snide smiles and other body language convey judgment. I’ve done them all.

The thing is, many of my judgments have proved to be dead wrong. During my first year of law school, I harshly judged one of my classmates while waiting for the instructor to arrive. The classroom had rows of desks tiered upward toward the back on rising levels. My classmate suddenly jumped on top of his desk in the rear and boldly walked on top of desks to the front of the room.

Most classmates laughed loudly. Not me. I was very angry. I thought, “What a jerk and a-hole. All he wants is attention.” I didn’t want to have anything to do with him after that.

Five years after we graduated law school this “jerk” became my most trusted friend and later was the best man at my wedding! He did continue to draw a lot of attention, though. He selflessly served as the Public Defender of Los Angeles County for over fifteen years, supervising over 700 attorneys, and was widely recognized for his efforts in helping reform state and national criminal justice systems.

So I guess I misjudged! And the irony of it is not lost on me: his last name was Judge. I miss him dearly.

So, I often ask myself why do I continue to judge so much? What is my motive? Does it make me feel better or superior in some way? Maybe for a short moment, but it’s a sure sign of my lack of humility. I also ponder what purpose it serves. Do I think it will change or help the other person in some way? Sometimes I do, but it rarely does, if at all. And no one’s ever thanked me for my judgments, that’s for sure!

It has also occurred to me that my judging may be an indication of some shortcoming in myself. Concerning the incident with my law school classmate, for example, I was a very reserved, even shy person. Perhaps seeing someone be so bold, carefree, and “out there” accentuated my own insecurities.

Above all, I believe to judge less, we need to be more accepting. When we accept people and things as they are, there is little need for us to judge them.

Let’s begin the new year by letting go of judging!

Here are a few Inquiries and Reflections that can help you do that:

Make note of your judgments for a day, or even half a day. Be sure to include the silent ones that you keep to yourself.

What feelings or beliefs are behind your judgments? Do they serve any useful purpose?

How often do you judge yourself? What do you gain by it? Are they the same kinds of things that you judge others by?

…………………………….

In the meantime, Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*Part of this post was taken from my upcoming book, “The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents.” Please leave your email address at info@losingcontrolfindingsrenity.com to receive special discount pricing when the book is published.

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

The Love Enabler Test!

Daniel A. Miller | February 13, 2022

Are You a Love Enabler? It’s a less apparent form of love control. In fact, you may not be aware that you are one or how much it can impact your love bond.

Love Enabling

When we continually give too much or do too much for our loved ones, we are usually trying to control them–and instead risk taking away from them. Thus, a husband’s giving his wife a large allowance so she doesn’t have to work may result in his wife foregoing her own career ambitions.

Love enabling can also breed dissension. For example, a wife who gets tired from constantly running errands and taking care of the personal needs of her husband may become resentful because she doesn’t have the time to take care of her own personal needs. Further, her husband may similarly be resentful because he feels his wife is too intrusive.

In addiction environments, enabling frequently occurs when the mate or partner of an addict constantly “rescues” him, thus saving him from the adverse consequences of his destructive actions. However, the rescuer usually does not realize that the only way the addict will be induced to seek treatment or help is by suffering the painful consequences of his or her actions.

Are You a Love Control Enabler?

It is not always easy to determine whether someone is a love enabler because it is only natural to want to “give” and “do” things for the ones we love and care about. There are no hard and fast rules. It is usually a matter of degree and constancy. There are, however, some probing inquiries or guide lines that can assist in the determination.

Love Enabling Guidelines

Answer these questions as truthfully as you can.

Are your actions depriving your loved one of valuable learning experiences and a sense of self -reliance? I remember my aunt never being able or wanting to learn how to drive because my uncle drove her everywhere she wanted. After he died, to our surprise, within a couple of months she learned how to drive.

What is the real motive behind your action? It is easy to discount our real motives for “helping” our loved ones. Consider whether the main reason you are doing something for your partner is because you want to make it “easier” or “better” for yourself. For example, you may repeatedly help your wife clear her clutter because you believe it will help her stop cluttering. However, the underlying motive may be that living with clutter unsettles you.

In either case, your helping her may exacerbate the problem and impede her personal growth. Why? Because your assistance provides little or no incentive for her to deal with the clutter herself. If you abstained, the clutter may pile up so much that even she can’t stand it anymore. She may then start doing something about it and in the process gain the inner satisfaction and self-esteem that comes from taking care of her needs.

3. Are you constantly trying to solve your loved one’s problems? If so, you are once again impeding his or her opportunities for personal growth, self-reliance, and inner satisfaction.

Do you help because you want things done your way? Aside from depriving your loved one of valuable learning experiences, it usually means that you do not trust that he can do it properly himself, which can undermine his self-confidence. Instead, try to be more humble. There is more than one way of doing most things and there is no assurance that your way is the best or right way. Most often, it is simply a way!

Some Valentine’s Day Challenges

Consider accepting the following “love” challenges for Valentine’s Day and this month:

*Allow your loved one the dignity of solving his or her problems and challenges.

*Examine your real motives for wanting to “help” your loved one.

*Listen attentively to the concerns of your loved one—without adding your two cents.

Please let me know of your love bond begins to glow brighter!

In the meantime, remember to

Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents

Daniel A. Miller | November 10, 2021

I wanted to acquaint you with a new book I am writing. Its title is The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents.

The mystery, randomness, and freeness of ocean waves (high and low tides, riptides and undertows, crests, swells, murky waters, etc.) serve as a metaphor for an expansive life path that closely parallels surfing or riding waves.

The book explores how we can meaningfully navigate the currents in all aspects of our lives—work, love, friendships, parenting, aging, sports and performance, and creative endeavors, and enjoy the many gifts that follow.

Formidable wave “barriers” such as control, judgment, fear, denial, high expectations, limited thinking, and unclear boundaries are examined together with wave “enhancers” such as trust, acceptance, humility, and intuition.

Below is an excerpt from The Wave. I welcome your comments, suggestions, and experiences about riding the wave.

If you wish to be kept abreast of the book’s progress and receive future excerpts, please email info@losingcontrolfindingserenity.com

And remember to,

Let It Go-and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

………………………….

THE WAVE

” When you observe nature for any period, you can sense the presence of a natural process or rhythm. You may notice it in the way leaves fall from a tree, gently floating down to form eloquent patterns on the grass. Or as I first did, watching the way ocean waves build, crest, flow and change course in an endless variety of movements.

At such moments, we sense that the life force or energy we are experiencing is unpredictable and unknowable yet has an innate and vast intelligence all its own, one well beyond our capacity to understand.

We also realize that, as mysterious as this universal rhythm is, we are a part of it.

I refer to this rhythm as the Wave or life’s currents. It is intrinsically truthful and cannot be controlled or manipulated. It just “is”, and though it may feel ancient, it is always present.

There is a noticeable cohesiveness to it; a harmony of co-existence; a wisdom and mystery waiting to be discovered.

Ralph Waldo Emerson poetically described this rhythm of truth as:“There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life…then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

Before that day at the beach many years ago, I had no inkling of such a guidance. I had been too engulfed in futile battles and engagements.

Today I feel the comfort of its presence when I sit in my back yard early mornings, listening to the cheerful medleys of song birds and the cooing of doves, watching the branches of my magnificent olive tree gently swaying as they reach toward the sky, and the ground squirrels scampering around its limbs.

Indeed, I feel it in the stillness and solitude of nature most anywhere; when I hug an oak tree; inhale the strong aroma of eucalyptus leaves; or watch colorful humming birds darting from flower to flower.

I also feel it most of the time when I’m painting or channeling verses that occasionally lead to poems.

I have come to learn that the more I am able to live my life in harmony with this natural rhythm, or ride the Wave, the more I am able to discover solutions to my most pressing and troubling concerns and enjoy the unplanned, spontaneous moments in life and marvel at the beauty all around me.

That is not to say that the rides are always smooth or easy, or without low tides and riptides. I tumble often. The difference now is that it is not for as long or as severe because I am more aware of how and why I slipped and have learned some ways to return.

Like Emerson, I believe “there is a guidance for each of us.” It is up to me to lowly listen and place myself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom. Writing this book is part of my endeavor to do that and I hope encourage readers to discover their waves.

It also is to remind me that I am not the only wave in the ocean and that I need to accept, respect, and honor the waves of others, lest I find myself “making waves!”

As expressed earlier, for me the metaphor that comes closest to the vision of aligning with this natural rhythm are ocean waves. The mystery, randomness, and freeness of waves closely parallel the expansive life path I am seeking.

Think about bodysurfing in the challenges you face. There will be a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer. Some will simply vanish. Many will change course.

We have no control or influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.

As soon as one crests near us, we extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and try to glide with it. We make adjustments along the way, if needed. If we encounter turbulence, which we often will, we can protect ourselves; for example, wrapping our hands around our head if we are forcefully thrown asunder, or pulling out of the currents or diving beneath the waves.

Much of the time, though unpredictable, the ride will be smoother and often enjoyable, and at times even exhilarating. And the lows not as severe or as long.

In a similar vein, consider how experienced surfers engage and ride waves. First, they patiently observe how the waves are building and developing near them; when they sense there may be a good–and safe—one to ride, they paddle toward it, aligning their boards with the cresting wave; if it looks too strong or dangerous, they pull out and wait for another; if it looks good, they quickly paddle some more, hop on their board, and begin their ride.

Surfers accept that the waves, and not they, are in control; that they can easily be sent flying off their boards into crashing waters if they resist their flow. They know, however, that they can enjoy exhilarating rides by aligning, and gliding, with the waves.

It is easy to discern the practices and attitudes that are essential for skillfully and safely surfing or riding waves: awareness, observation, acceptance, patience, humility, trust, instincts and intuition, and the willingness to surrender or let go of control.

It’s not as easy to discern the practices and attitudes that obstruct riding waves: control, arrogance, high expectations, judgment, denial, limited thinking, and fear.

We will see in the pages ahead that the very same factors, or wave “enhancers”and “barriers,” strongly impact how we navigate our currents in work, love, friendships, parenting, aging, sports and performance, and creative endeavors.”

END OF EXCERPT

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The Illusions of High Expectations

Daniel A. Miller | March 31, 2021

When we expect too much of others, most often we are trying to change or control them in some manner. And in doing so, by definition, we aren’t accepting them as they are.

Simply put,“When you expect, you can’t accept.”

The Illusions of High Expectations

Many of us justify our expectations in the belief that we are “helping” others. That we know what’s good or best for them. But do we?

Aside from bordering on arrogance (and a shortage of humility), I have repeatedly found that I often don’t know what’s best for me, let alone others! From mentoring others, I know I’m not alone in that.

Moreover, because such expectations place undue pressure on people to be other than who they are or do other than what they wish, resentment and fraying of relationships easily occur.

Who likes being told what to do or how to act or what’s best for them? You are in effect telling them they are not “good enough.”

Upon closer (and a more honest) self-examination, it is more often the case that we feel we will be better off, or that our important “needs” will be met, if others act the way we want or expect them to.

This belief system warrants scrutiny. It’s more illusion, than reality.

When our focus and reliance is too much on others—which is where our expectations direct us–we lose sight of what we can do to make things better for ourselves. We thus risk stymieing our own growth and development.

In short, we give up the power to make our lives better.

Piercing the Illusions

In The Gifts of Acceptance, I discuss tools and strategies in some detail for moderating expectations aimed at trying to change or control others.

Included are some interrelated self-queries that have helped me pierce the illusions of my expectations—particularly of loved ones, family, and close relationships–and in the process become more accepting of them:

*Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations?

*Can others realistically fulfill my needs—even if they wanted to?

*Will I truly be better off if others do or want as I expect?

*Is my happiness or well-being that dependent on others?

I encourage you to make the same (or similar) queries. Hopefully, they will help you release your expectations of others.

If you wish to explore this important subject further, below are four other posts that you may find helpful:

“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You“

“How to Lower Family Expectations”

“Tips for Letting Go of High Expectations”

“Let Go of Control by Moderating Expectations”

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Taking Stock in The Time of Coronavirus

Daniel A. Miller | June 29, 2020

(7^th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus”)

The other day as I was sorting through some books that had accumulated on my small bedside table, I came across a “dream catcher” journal that someone had given me sixteen years ago for my 60^th birthday.

Even though the journal had remained on a table shelf for all these years, I had only written a few entries. Most notable among them was a statement in which I desired to “live a whole, meaningful, free, and engaging life, and to share my wisdom with others.”

I felt heartened that I had made good progress toward achieving that goal.

Interestingly, the very next entry was a two-page assessment of things I liked about myself—my attributes, if you will—and those that I didn’t and wanted to change, improve upon, or remove. The latter included being less critical of others, dealing with my anger early on, and not rushing so much.

It thus occurred to me that to effectively strive toward a life that is more fulfilling and meaningful, it is essential to first “take stock” of where and how we are at the moment.

A silver lining of the Covid 19 pandemic is that it provides us with a unique opportunity to do that. There certainly is no shortage of time for most of us to try!

In fact, when you think about it, the immense challenges and hurdles we face in The Time of Coronavirus—emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially–compel us to take such action if we wish to avoid despair and the debilitating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I thus encourage you to start by making a personal accounting of yourself and your life.

In doing so, consider where you feel you fall short. What things hold you back? What do you like about yourself and don’t you like about yourself? What behavior makes you feel bad or guilty?What would you like to do better? What things no longer serve you well? And so on.

You will likely find certain recurring themes and impediments that consistently undermine your overall well-being. Try to hone in on them one at a time, asking yourself this very simple, but pertinent question:

“How’s that working for me?”

Your answer will bring the issue front and center and allow no room for convenient excuses or rationalizations. It can also motivate positive changes.

In your personal assessment, you will discover certain positive qualities and traits that you may not have been fully aware of, dismissed, or downplayed. It’s important to remember that they are vital parts of who you are and you should give them their just due. Your attributes play an important role in attaining the life you want.

It is also instructive to ponder the following question from the chapter “Discovering and Accepting Who We Are” in The Gifts of Acceptance:

“What do I need to change or ‘become’ in order to feel better about myself?”

I encourage you to envision, reflect, meditate and write about what these things may be and how doing them might make you feel. Then start doing them.

But do them without expectations or self-judgment. And be grateful for partial successes, viewing setbacks merely as opportunities for further growth.

As you progress, the healing light of awareness will shine brightly on you during The Time of Coronavirus—and after, making it easier to choose what and who you want to become.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during The Time of Coronavirus I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus

Daniel A. Miller | April 26, 2020

(Third in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

If you’re like me, your tolerance of others has been strained in this Time of Coronavirus, be it with loved ones you are
“confined” at home with or just people who get on your nerves.

No question about it, most people are on edge these days and it doesn’t take much for them to go off.

Patience is in short supply, and anger is in abundance.

If I were to tell you that you would likely be much better off—and have greater serenity—if you were to accept these people as they are, you might think I have contacted the virus!

Fortunately, I haven’t—and hope not to!

But I will also tell you that accepting others, as ornery as they may be, does not mean what you might think it means.

It has nothing to do with excusing, condoning, or otherwise approving of their words or behavior. (See, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance)

It does have a lot to do with “staying on your side of the street” and focusing on taking good care of yourself.

Take my friend Jen, for example. On many days, her husband is stressed and agitated, particularly over being cooped up at home day and night.

As Jen puts it, “I truly don’t know what side of the bed he will be getting up on each day.”

She further explains,

“But I also know I can’t fix him or make him feel better. I’ve learned that’s well beyond my power to accomplish. And when I do focus on his woes too much, I soon find myself down the rabbit’s hole as well, and that clearly doesn’t help him any.

“So I just try to love and accept him as he is, pray for his well being, and be careful not to get wrapped up in it all. That allows me to stay more emotionally balanced and focus on what I can do to take better care of myself during these difficult times.”

Here are four suggestions that will make it easier to accept others in The Time of Coronavirus:

Cut them some slack. These are trying times for everyone. A lot of people are really struggling in coping with things. Their fears, frustrations, and “demons” consume them. These are not normal times and many people are not acting as they normally do.
Don’t take things too personally. What someone says or does that offends most often has more to do with where they are in their life or what’s happening to them. In other words, it’s not about us. Hence, when the “stings” come, try to take some time to consider what their real sources may be and not take the matters too personally.
Detach with love. This mainstay of the 12 Step programs is particularly helpful now. It simply means to emotionally (and if necessary, physically) separate or remove yourself from the “drama” or unnerving ways of others, but to do so in a kind, caring manner. Jen’s story is a good example of detaching with love.
Consider whether you had a role in another’s behavior. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that we, too, have been impacted by what’s going on. We also may not be our “normal” selves and may have contributed to another’s offensive or irritable ways. It’s therefore important to at least ask yourself such questions as:

“Did I play a part in the matter?” “Have I been curt or impatient with the person?” “Have I been on edge lately?”, and the like.

I am confident that these tools will help you better accept others in The Time of Coronavirus and concurrently bring you greater calm and serenity.

I welcome your thoughts and experiences on accepting people who bother you. How do you, for example, react or respond when someone upsets or irritates you? What acceptance tools have helped you in dealing with such people?

(You may also wish to read the first two posts in this series:“Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus” and “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”)

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity, available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

Improving the Love Flow Through Acceptance

Daniel A. Miller | March 10, 2020

Accepting our loved ones for who, what, and how they are leads to greater trust and deeper bonds, two of the major gifts of acceptance I write about in The Gifts of Acceptance. Simply put, it improves the love flow.

Not so simple, however, is accepting the quirks, idiosyncrasies, and habits of our loved ones that we dislike or find annoying. It can be very challenging, to be sure, but is essential for true acceptance. (For more on what acceptance is—and isn’t–see my post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance.”)

Below is an article of mine about several important keys to overcoming the challenges of accepting our loved ones that was recently published in the Tiny Buddha blog, which has over 4,500,000 followers. I hope you enjoy it.

How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”—Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.

Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally? Indeed, almost effortlessly. There is a good reason for this. These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow.

When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough. That they fall short.

Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart?

Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow.

Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship.

If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well?

Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.

Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One

When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change the traits and habits of loved ones or opine and advise what they should do differently.

Myself included!

I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage. In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage. I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled.

She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later. When I continued harping, I was quickly met with,

“You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry…andkeeping the garage neat!”

Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!

I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond.

As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was–clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow. Our bond is stronger than ever today.

Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected “gift. It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter. I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise.

Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me.

Simply put, it was about me, not her!

It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask,

Do I really have the power to change my loved one?

In most cases, we don’t. The simple truth is that people will change when and if they choose or are able to do so, not because we want them to.

Reduce Your Expectations of Your Loved One

High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment, and disconnect. My friend Margaret shared how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:

“Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships I have had. I start out being fun and easy going, but once the relationship begins to build, I start to expect a certain level of communication, contact and time together. . .. I almost don’t know I’m doing it. I hear the person say they feel pressure and like every thing has to be scheduled, yet I continue. It is horrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I need to let go, I just don’t seem to know how to do it.”

Margaret’s quandary is not uncommon: few expectations at the beginning when the “love stakes” are low, and steadily increasing as the relationship becomes more serious.

One thing is clear, however: When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting him.

Underlying many of our expectations are core needs we look for others to fulfill. For example, we may believe if our partner would be more nurturing or spend more time with us—instead of working so much or doing other things—we would be more content and less lonely. Or if she took more interest in our endeavors and passions, they would be more satisfying.

Consider, though, whether we are truly better off if our loved one does as we want or expect? Is our happiness and well-being that dependent on them? I suggest not.

When our focus and reliance is too much on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can make to improve the relationship.

It can help reduce your expectations, if you ask yourself this question:

Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically fulfill?

Most often they are something that only we can.

Honor Your Loved One’s Choices

All people, including our loved ones, have their own life path and are entitled to make the choices and decisions that influence and ultimately determine that path.

We can have compassion for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want what’s best for them, but we cannot truly know what is best for them.

That’s because we look at things through our own history, prisms, and filters, not theirs. Hence, we should accept their choices, unless we or others are harmed by them. When we don’t, we aren’t accepting them as they are, and risk impeding and jeopardizing their path.

To be sure, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling inclinations and keep my ego in check or quiet that “I know what’s best” part of me.

I also need to remind myself that others’ points of view and choices have validity—for them.

Acceptance is a Choice

In the final analysis, accepting our loved one for who, what, and how he or she is, is a choice that each of us has to make. We are essentially powerless over changing their ways and traits that we dislike, and trying to do so makes things worse.

We are much better served by focusing on what we do have control over: our part or role in the relationship.

That includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions, and our willingness to own up to our own shortcomings and part in relationship dysfunctions.

And remember,

No one is perfect and without flaws, least of all ourselves!

I encourage you to choose acceptance—and improve the love flow!

……………………………………………………………..

(A related post you might enjoy is “Letting Go of Control Improves the Love Flow.”)

I would love to hear about what has worked well for you in accepting your loved one as she or he is and how that has helped!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

…and let’s help make acceptance go Viral!

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Optimizing The Benefits of The Serenity Prayer

Daniel A. Miller | August 12, 2019

The Serenity Prayer* is my guide to practicing acceptance in all my affairs. It is a prayer for acceptance that allows me to be more fully aware, from the very start of my day, of the vast number of things I cannot control or change, and it reminds me that my very serenity depends on my willingness to accept them as they are.

I devote a chapter in The Gifts of Acceptance on ways to effectively apply the three poetic phrases of the Prayer. For many, the last phrase, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” is the most challenging one in practice.

Specifically, how do we know whether we do or do not have the power to change or control a person or situation?

The determination is frequently difficult. Strong emotions—fear and anger, for example—as well as high expectations easily thwart our intentions to realistically consider whether the issue is something over which we truly have power. Denial, too, can impact the determination because of our ignorance or unawareness of (or unwillingness) to accept the underlying reality of the situation.

The requisite wisdom often comes only after enduring the hard, painful consequences of ongoing non-acceptance. The pains of non-acceptance will likely occur at different times for each of us because there will always be things and people we aren’t able to accept—at least initially.

Here are two ways that will help you with the wisdom to know the difference and thereby optimize the benefits of The Serenity Prayer:

Pause and Reflect

When first faced with contentious issues or people, take a moment (or as some say, “pause”) to consider whether you can realistically expect to change matters. Try not to react impulsively or retaliate. Fear and anger often emerge, and it is important to constructively process these emotions as soon as you are able. Try to remember the acronym for FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.

Pausing and reflecting in this manner will ground you and enable you to better evaluate what is really at stake and its importance, and that in turn will allow you to address the situation or person in a more constructive, responsive manner.

Consider Whether You Can Meaningfully Impact the Person or Situation

Even if you feel you can change or have some impact on the matter or person, consider whether any success is worth the cost and energy—and anguish.

What I have found extremely helpful in uncertain situations is to ask myself “Can I have any meaningful impact on the person or situation?” If I don’t think I can, I accept the current situation or circumstance and move on. Similarly, it is also helpful to ask oneself, “How important is this to me?”

Remember, not everything is a crisis, but anything can become one if you fail to let go of control and accept “what is.”

Please share with me what you have found helpful in determining whether or not you have the power to change certain people or things in your life, giving specific examples if you can.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*”God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

Courage to Change the Things I Can, and

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.”

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The Humility/Acceptance Link

Daniel A. Miller | July 18, 2019

In media interviews for The Gifts of Acceptance I am often asked, “what are the keys to practicing acceptance?”

When I say “humility” is an important key, some interviewers ask me to explain further because the link between humility and acceptance may not seem readily apparent.

Yet, it’s a very direct one.

Simply put, in order to accept people as they are, we need to be humble. Within the context of acceptance, that means we must recognize and accept that:

We truly don’t know what’s best for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family. (We are not so omniscient, as many of us are prone to believe!)

Our way is not the only way. It’s just a way, nothing more. There are multiple paths to an acceptable destination.

What works well for us doesn’t mean that it will work well for others. Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently.

Everyone has the right to determine (and choose) what’s best for them, and we should respect and honor their choices as long as they don’t harm us or those close to us.

We should be open-minded and non-judgmental. (Probably the most challenging aspect of humility)

Being humble also means that we shouldn’t judge, criticize, or press our views on others, unless asked. Nor should we constantly try to control or change people, no matter how much we think it will benefit them.

Admittedly, it’s much easier to understand humility than to practice it. As a former compulsive controller, it’s been a life long challenge for me to refrain from telling others, particularly those closest to me, what I think they should do or not do, or how they should be.

It’s all too easy to justify our intrusions as acts of love, care, and concern. However, experience has proven to me time again that I risk doing more harm than good—to others and myself—when I fail to be humble.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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I Honor My Father by Accepting Him as He Is

Daniel A. Miller | June 11, 2019

My father, Morry Miller, was only 21 years old when this Air Force photo of him was taken. During World War II he captained over 35 missions in the dangerous South Pacific with the famous (and infamous) heavy, unsafe B-24 bomber that was prominently featured in the movie “Unbroken” several years ago. My dad returned from the War a small town hero in his native Redlands, CA.

He also returned a strict disciplinarian to his unwitting three year old son–me. Growing up, our relationship was never easy. It seemed that whatever I accomplished in school or sports was never good enough for him. When I received A-s and B+s, I was greeted with “why didn’t you get A’s?” When I got a hit in a little league baseball game, he wanted to know why I didn’t get more.

As I began to sprout my wings as a teenager and young adult, we constantly battled, and his punishment of choice was not to speak to me for sometimes months at a time. I questioned whether he loved me because I never heard, “I love you Danny.” My mother always assured me that he did, but that didn’t convince me.

But this Father’s Day, I choose to honor my father (who turns 97 today!), to love and admire him–and to accept him as he is, even though he remains very judgmental. Why? Because very simply, I know that he did the best he could as an extremely young father with limited parenting tools who didn’t have the many opportunities and resources (particularly educational, social, and financial) that he generously afforded me.

I do so because of the important values he passed on to me: a strong work ethic and conducting one’s affairs in a principled and truthful manner, and because his not acknowledging me ultimately caused me to strive harder and achieve greater success in college and in my career.

I do so because he never meant me any harm; quite the contrary, he truly wanted what was best for me.

I do so because of the constant love and dedication he has shown in taking care of my mother, who had a debilitating stroke six years ago.

And finally, I do so because it frees me from resentments from the past and allows me to focus on the things that will improve my life.

As I explain in The Gifts of Acceptance and my other writings on the subject, the gifts of acceptance are reciprocal. By accepting my father as he is, our bond has grown stronger each year and we share many intimate moments– and, I now gratefully hear, “Danny, I love you.”

So this Father’s Day, I encourage you to choose Acceptance. My prior post, “The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: Acceptance” further explains why. You can also watch my recent CBS tv interview on the subject here:http://tinyurl.com/y67aljvb

I love you Dad!

In the meantime,

Let It Go–And Accept What Is!

Danny

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The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: ACCEPTANCE

Daniel A. Miller | May 1, 2019

We’re taught to honor our mother and father. But what if they weren’t exactly a model of calm maternal and paternal caring, strength, and guidance during your childhood. What if they still criticize and demean you, infuriate you, or simply push your buttons?

This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, why not try accepting them? Why should you, you might wonder? Because choosing acceptance can make a world of difference, and perhaps none more so than with accepting our parents–faults, blemishes, defects, and all.

Three Important Reasons Why We Should Accept Our Parents

It releases us from the shackles of the pastand the anger and resentment for what they did or didn’t do for us or give us. With acceptance, we are no longer bound to our parents for our happiness and security. It is when we continue to blame, resent, and despise our parents, that we remain stuck in the past.

There is a critical shift in focus to what we can do to improve our own lives. Simply put, we are free to discover who we really are and who we can become.

It can improve and even heal our relationship with them. When we stop seeking or expecting what our parents can’t or are unable to give us, trying to change their ways, or judging them, trust, openness, and even intimacy can result.

What Does Accepting Our Parents Really Mean?

Accepting our parents is not easy, and often extremely difficult, especially if there has been serious past abuse and transgressions.* That’s why in The Gifts of Acceptance, I offer tools, strategies, and intentions that make it easier to accept our parents as they are.

One key is to remember that accepting our parents does not mean that we are excusing or condoning their conduct or behavior. Rather, we are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way they are—and acknowledging that we have little or no power to change them—and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for us aligned with that reality. (See my previous post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

For many, acceptance is a way to emotionally and spiritually detach themselves from the resentment and obstructions that accompany such behavior. So, consider this:

In giving “the gifts of acceptance” to our parents this Mother’s and Father’s Day, we are also receiving profound gifts.

Please share your experiences and stories in accepting your parents, including the challenges and obstacles you faced, what helped and what didn’t, whether it improved your relationship with them, and whether it helped you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—And Accept “What Is!”

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*I do not mean to suggest that where there has been severe parental abuse (including emotional and sexual) violence, or similarly harmful behavior, that children should accept their parents at all costs. It is a very personal decision. Many who have suffered such abuse are adamant about not forgiving or accepting their parents, feeling no benefit would be derived therefrom. Others (as shared in my book) found it was essential to releasing the past and moving forward in their lives.

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Three Misconceptions About Acceptance

Daniel A. Miller | March 2, 2019

Do you have trouble accepting annoying people in your life? If you are like others I have spoken to on the matter, your thoughts on the subject might be similar to theirs:

Why should I accept . . .

My sister’s condescending behavior?
My mother’s belittling me all the time?
My husband’s telling me what’s best for me?
My boss’s nitpicking ways?

If pressed to at least try accepting such people as they are, they might respond with something like

Why should I have to put up with them?
What good will it do me?
I don’t need them in my life.
I refuse to sacrifice my principles and values.
Nothing will really change.

These are all very valid concerns, and truth be told, I’ve felt them many times myself. However, I have learned that they stem mainly from certain misconceptions about what acceptance means. In The Gifts of Acceptance (recently named a Best Wellness Book of 2018 by Library Journal), I discuss them at length in the chapter titled “What Acceptance Is–And Isn’t.”

For now, let’s take a look at three common misperceptions about acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean,

That you approve or condone another’s behavior.

It is a mistake to equate acceptance with approval. You are not approving or condoning another’s actions or behavior by accepting them as they are. Rather, you are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way a person is and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for you aligned with that reality. Hence, you can accept someone as they are even though you disapprove of what the person has done. As such, acceptance is neither a positive or negative mind-set; it is more of an even keeled, neutral one.

However, to be very clear, acceptance does not mean that you should accept abuse, violence, or other aberrant or intolerable behavior. Nor does it mean that you cannot or should not remove yourself from, or even sever ties with, someone if you determine that is in your best interest to do so.

Acceptance also does not mean,

That you must “give in” to others.

Acceptance does not require that you relinquish your needs or subordinate your best interests to those of others. Once again, if you feel unfairly burdened or imposed upon, you can disengage or detach—and when necessary, stand your ground. The only thing that I believe you should give in to is that every person has her own life path and that it is beyond your power (and, I believe, right) to meaningfully alter it. If your respective paths are not in sync, you are free to acknowledge that and move on.

And very importantly, acceptance does not mean,

That you have no viable choices.

To the contrary, it is only by accepting people (annoying or otherwise) as they are, that you are able to recognize the choices and options that will serve you best. Why? Because with acceptance, the focus changes from others and circumstances to you—and what you can do to better serve your needs.

Thus, when you have difficulty accepting someone as they are, keep in mind what it does not mean. That will make it easer for you to practice acceptance and enjoy the many gifts that follow, including less resentment and frustration and more peace and serenity!

I welcome your thoughts, suggestions, and experiences about accepting difficult people in your lives.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”,

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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