Q: Romantic relationships can be stressful, especially when we try to “improve” or change our partner’s behavior and habits. How can accepting our loved one for who they are enhance our love bond?
A: I don’t think any of us like being told by our mates how we should act or behave, or to be someone other than whom we are. Such pressure makes us feel “less than” or not good enough. Who want to feel that in matters of the heart? (more…)
(Third in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)
If you’re like me, your tolerance of others has been strained in this Time of Coronavirus, be it with loved ones you are
“confined” at home with or just people who get on your nerves.
No question about it, most people are on edge these days and it doesn’t take much for them to go off.
Patience is in short supply, and anger is in abundance.
If I were to tell you that you would likely be much better off—and have greater serenity—if you were to accept these people as they are, you might think I have contacted the virus!
Fortunately, I haven’t—and hope not to!
But I will also tell you that accepting others, as ornery as they may be, does not mean what you might think it means.
It has nothing to do with excusing, condoning, or otherwise approving of their words or behavior. (See, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance)
It does have a lot to do with “staying on your side of the street” and focusing on taking good care of yourself.
Take my friend Jen, for example. On many days, her husband is stressed and agitated, particularly over being cooped up at home day and night.
As Jen puts it, “I truly don’t know what side of the bed he will be getting up on each day.”
She further explains,
“But I also know I can’t fix him or make him feel better. I’ve learned that’s well beyond my power to accomplish. And when I do focus on his woes too much, I soon find myself down the rabbit’s hole as well, and that clearly doesn’t help him any.
“So I just try to love and accept him as he is, pray for his well being, and be careful not to get wrapped up in it all. That allows me to stay more emotionally balanced and focus on what I can do to take better care of myself during these difficult times.”
Here are four suggestions that will make it easier to accept others in The Time of Coronavirus:
“Did I play a part in the matter?” “Have I been curt or impatient with the person?” “Have I been on edge lately?”, and the like.
I am confident that these tools will help you better accept others in The Time of Coronavirus and concurrently bring you greater calm and serenity.
I welcome your thoughts and experiences on accepting people who bother you. How do you, for example, react or respond when someone upsets or irritates you? What acceptance tools have helped you in dealing with such people?
(You may also wish to read the first two posts in this series:“Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus” and “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”)
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you liked this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.
**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity, available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.
The Serenity Prayer* is my guide to practicing acceptance in all my affairs. It is a prayer for acceptance that allows me to be more fully aware, from the very start of my day, of the vast number of things I cannot control or change, and it reminds me that my very serenity depends on my willingness to accept them as they are.
I devote a chapter in The Gifts of Acceptance on ways to effectively apply the three poetic phrases of the Prayer. For many, the last phrase, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” is the most challenging one in practice.
Specifically, how do we know whether we do or do not have the power to change or control a person or situation?
The determination is frequently difficult. Strong emotions—fear and anger, for example—as well as high expectations easily thwart our intentions to realistically consider whether the issue is something over which we truly have power. Denial, too, can impact the determination because of our ignorance or unawareness of (or unwillingness) to accept the underlying reality of the situation.
The requisite wisdom often comes only after enduring the hard, painful consequences of ongoing non-acceptance. The pains of non-acceptance will likely occur at different times for each of us because there will always be things and people we aren’t able to accept—at least initially.
Here are two ways that will help you with the wisdom to know the difference and thereby optimize the benefits of The Serenity Prayer:
Pause and Reflect
When first faced with contentious issues or people, take a moment (or as some say, “pause”) to consider whether you can realistically expect to change matters. Try not to react impulsively or retaliate. Fear and anger often emerge, and it is important to constructively process these emotions as soon as you are able. Try to remember the acronym for FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.
Pausing and reflecting in this manner will ground you and enable you to better evaluate what is really at stake and its importance, and that in turn will allow you to address the situation or person in a more constructive, responsive manner.
Consider Whether You Can Meaningfully Impact the Person or Situation
Even if you feel you can change or have some impact on the matter or person, consider whether any success is worth the cost and energy—and anguish.
What I have found extremely helpful in uncertain situations is to ask myself “Can I have any meaningful impact on the person or situation?” If I don’t think I can, I accept the current situation or circumstance and move on. Similarly, it is also helpful to ask oneself, “How important is this to me?”
Remember, not everything is a crisis, but anything can become one if you fail to let go of control and accept “what is.”
Please share with me what you have found helpful in determining whether or not you have the power to change certain people or things in your life, giving specific examples if you can.
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”
….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
*”God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,
Courage to Change the Things I Can, and
The Wisdom to Know the Difference.”
**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
My father, Morry Miller, was only 21 years old when this Air Force photo of him was taken. During World War II he captained over 35 missions in the dangerous South Pacific with the famous (and infamous) heavy, unsafe B-24 bomber that was prominently featured in the movie “Unbroken” several years ago. My dad returned from the War a small town hero in his native Redlands, CA.
He also returned a strict disciplinarian to his unwitting three year old son–me. Growing up, our relationship was never easy. It seemed that whatever I accomplished in school or sports was never good enough for him. When I received A-s and B+s, I was greeted with “why didn’t you get A’s?” When I got a hit in a little league baseball game, he wanted to know why I didn’t get more.
As I began to sprout my wings as a teenager and young adult, we constantly battled, and his punishment of choice was not to speak to me for sometimes months at a time. I questioned whether he loved me because I never heard, “I love you Danny.” My mother always assured me that he did, but that didn’t convince me.
But this Father’s Day, I choose to honor my father (who turns 97 today!), to love and admire him–and to accept him as he is, even though he remains very judgmental. Why? Because very simply, I know that he did the best he could as an extremely young father with limited parenting tools who didn’t have the many opportunities and resources (particularly educational, social, and financial) that he generously afforded me.
I do so because of the important values he passed on to me: a strong work ethic and conducting one’s affairs in a principled and truthful manner, and because his not acknowledging me ultimately caused me to strive harder and achieve greater success in college and in my career.
I do so because he never meant me any harm; quite the contrary, he truly wanted what was best for me.
I do so because of the constant love and dedication he has shown in taking care of my mother, who had a debilitating stroke six years ago.
And finally, I do so because it frees me from resentments from the past and allows me to focus on the things that will improve my life.
As I explain in The Gifts of Acceptance and my other writings on the subject, the gifts of acceptance are reciprocal. By accepting my father as he is, our bond has grown stronger each year and we share many intimate moments– and, I now gratefully hear, “Danny, I love you.”
So this Father’s Day, I encourage you to choose Acceptance. My prior post, “The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: Acceptance” further explains why. You can also watch my recent CBS tv interview on the subject here:http://tinyurl.com/y67aljvb
I love you Dad!
In the meantime,
Let It Go–And Accept What Is!
Danny
**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
We’re taught to honor our mother and father. But what if they weren’t exactly a model of calm maternal and paternal caring, strength, and guidance during your childhood. What if they still criticize and demean you, infuriate you, or simply push your buttons?
This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, why not try accepting them? Why should you, you might wonder? Because choosing acceptance can make a world of difference, and perhaps none more so than with accepting our parents–faults, blemishes, defects, and all.
Three Important Reasons Why We Should Accept Our Parents
It releases us from the shackles of the pastand the anger and resentment for what they did or didn’t do for us or give us. With acceptance, we are no longer bound to our parents for our happiness and security. It is when we continue to blame, resent, and despise our parents, that we remain stuck in the past.
There is a critical shift in focus to what we can do to improve our own lives. Simply put, we are free to discover who we really are and who we can become.
It can improve and even heal our relationship with them. When we stop seeking or expecting what our parents can’t or are unable to give us, trying to change their ways, or judging them, trust, openness, and even intimacy can result.
What Does Accepting Our Parents Really Mean?
Accepting our parents is not easy, and often extremely difficult, especially if there has been serious past abuse and transgressions.* That’s why in The Gifts of Acceptance, I offer tools, strategies, and intentions that make it easier to accept our parents as they are.
One key is to remember that accepting our parents does not mean that we are excusing or condoning their conduct or behavior. Rather, we are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way they are—and acknowledging that we have little or no power to change them—and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for us aligned with that reality. (See my previous post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)
For many, acceptance is a way to emotionally and spiritually detach themselves from the resentment and obstructions that accompany such behavior. So, consider this:
In giving “the gifts of acceptance” to our parents this Mother’s and Father’s Day, we are also receiving profound gifts.
Please share your experiences and stories in accepting your parents, including the challenges and obstacles you faced, what helped and what didn’t, whether it improved your relationship with them, and whether it helped you.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—And Accept “What Is!”
….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
*I do not mean to suggest that where there has been severe parental abuse (including emotional and sexual) violence, or similarly harmful behavior, that children should accept their parents at all costs. It is a very personal decision. Many who have suffered such abuse are adamant about not forgiving or accepting their parents, feeling no benefit would be derived therefrom. Others (as shared in my book) found it was essential to releasing the past and moving forward in their lives.
**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
There are formidable challenges to accepting people and things as they are. In the Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are I explore in depth how to overcome the main obstacles to practicing acceptance. As part of my efforts to help “Make Acceptance Go Viral,” I recently wrote an article for the popular blog, Purpose Fairy, entitled “Four Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance–and How to Overcome Them,” which is reproduced below. I hope you find it helpful in practicing acceptance.
*****************
“More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships. Acceptance leads to a life marked by realistic expectations, greater humility, and new choices, discoveries, and possibilities, as well as reduced sorry, stress, and frustrations—a life where hope replaces despair.
The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer andthe widely practiced 12 Step Programs. It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.
Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is not difficult. Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to “practice acceptance”? And why do we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.
Overcoming Four Major Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance
I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it. I have done extensive research, reflected on my own experience with hardships, and interviewed people who are blessed with the serenity of living in acceptance, even in the most discouraging situations.
In doing so, I have come to believe there are at least four fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance.
We Are Too Fearful.
Fear is a powerful acceptance blocker. We are fearful that if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed. For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school (and not get into college!) Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects and quirks of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.
Consequently, facing and processing such acceptance fears make it much easier to accept others and things as they are. Our fears are mostly illusory or speculative. Apt acronyms for FEAR are False EvidenceAppearing Real and Future Events Already Ruined. Think about this for a moment. Isn’t it the case that most of our fears are based on suppositions, speculations concerning events that haven’t yet occurred? If you constantly remind yourself of this, your fears will not undermine you.
We Expect Too Much of Others.
Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.
Our expectations are often based on our perceived needs that we look to others to satisfy. The real truth is that only wecan satisfy our core needs.
To help moderate your expectations, here are three pertinent questions you can ask yourself:
Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations of another person?
Am I looking for him to fulfill those needs?
Can she realistically fulfill those needs– even if she wanted to?
We Lack Trust and Faith.
Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay (or that we will be okay) if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it “play out” naturally because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.
Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions. You need only look back on your past life experiences and travails to realize this is the case. I have found that it helps to verbalize trust; i.e., “I trust that (fill in the blank) will work out okay”, “I trust that I will overcome this challenge.”
We Are Not Humble Enough.
Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way is the best or right way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.
It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe. Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently. To believe that our way is best for others borders on arrogance.
An Acceptance Challenge!
Overcoming these acceptance obstacles—even partially—enhances practicing acceptance. Thus, during this week I challenge you to focus on accepting people and things as they are—which is to say accepting life on life’s terms—by reducing your expectations, being more humble, addressing your fears, and trusting that everything will turn out as it is meant to me.
In doing so, I am confident The Gifts of Acceptance await you!”
********************
I would be very interested in learning about what obstacles have made it difficult for you to accept people and things as they are and how you have overcome or mitigated their impact.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is.”
….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
*If you like this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
**I am excited to let you know that The Gifts of Acceptance is now available as an audiobook on audible.com.
I am very excited to let you know that the ebook of my new book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People And Things as They Are, can now be preordered through Amazon.
A special $2.99 preorder price is available until May 15, 2018, and no payment is due until you receive the book in May. Click Here to preorder. After May 15, 2018 the paperback will be available at Amazon.com, B.N. com, and through your favorite bookseller, and the ebook will be available through Amazon, Apple Itunes, and B.N. com.
The book illustrates the profound blessings (including inspiring true stories) of accepting our loved ones, children, friends, parents, siblings, and others, as well as life’s challenges and adversities. It offers tools, intentions, and strategies for practicing acceptance so you can live a more serene life. (A more detailed description of the book and a preview chapter can be found Here)
I believe the importance of acceptance is universal, and the world needs it now more than ever!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What is”!
…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
In these highly divisive, hectic, and chaotic times, acceptance of others as they are is more vital than ever to our overall well-being and contentment. This is confirmed by the most highlighted reader quote from Amazon’s best selling eBook version of Losing Control, Finding Serenity:
“The degree to which you accept people, places, and things for who, what, and how they are is the degree to which you will have serenity in your life.”
Yet while more and more people comeg to realize the importance of accepting others as they are, many others don’t feel that it really helps.
A common refrain I often hear is, “I accept the way she or he is, but that doesn’t help the situation or make me feel any better.”
This dichotomy of views likely lays in what is meant by acceptance.
For me, true acceptance means accepting others as they are—without judgment or resentment (or other negative emotions and feelings).
Hence, my response to those that say that acceptance doesn’t work for them is that they aren’t really practicing it. Such people may say they are accepting of others, but it is invariably accompanied with residual anger, resentment, or other negative feelings—and thus isn’t true acceptance.
What makes accepting others as they are so very difficult for most of us is that,
We must do it without harboring negative feelings toward the other person.
Yet if we are to be able to let go, move on, and recognize and act upon the realistic and often beneficial choices available to us even in the most discouraging and debilitating of situations, we must accept others dispassionately.
That requires us to find ways in which to defuse, or at least significantly diminish, our fears, our anxieties, our resentments, and the like, that are stirred up by how others act and are. In this regard, it helps to understand that acceptance does not mean that we need condone or excuse what we dislike or find distasteful about another, but simply that we recognize that it is beyond our power to meaningfully change the person.
Consequently, the answer to whether accepting others helps is—YES.
It’s not easy to do, but well worth the effort. For some guidance, please click here to see my post, “5 Keys to Practicing Acceptance.”
Please share with me and others how you practice acceptance and how it has worked for you.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go!
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
Are you or your loved one a love controller? If so, this can be very hard on the relationship. Love control obstructs the romantic flow. It forces the action, rather than allowing the love currents to unfold naturally so that people can relax and just be themselves—and offer their love and kindness without pressure or expectations.
Simply put, most people don’t like being told what to do, how to be, or how to act in matters of the heart. Do you?
And yet, if you were to ask a friend or your love one if they considered themselves a love controller, my guess is that they would likely say no. Are you a love controller? Let’s find out. Take the Love Control Test from my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How To Let It Go.
Ask yourself the following:
Do I usually feel I know what’s best for my partner?
Do I charm or pout or withdraw to get my way?
Am I often impatient with him or her?
Do I try to solve his or her problems?
Am I quick to point out my partner’s shortcomings?
Do I expect my partner to do what I want?
Do I look to the other person for my own happiness?
Am I overly concerned that my partner will not be able to resolve his or her personal issues?
Am I judgmental of him or her (be honest now!)?
If you answered “Yes” to these questions, this indicates that you are trying to control the relationship.
Now answer these questions:
Do I listen attentively to my partner’s concerns without trying to solve them?
Am I patient with his or her struggles?
Am I willing to let my partner plan our vacations?
Do I play a part in my love conflicts?
Do I accept my partner’s annoying habits?
If you answered “Yes” to these questions, this indicates that you are not trying to control the relationship.
Is your loved one a love controller? If so, please share with me the ways in which he or she tries to control your relationship.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is”!
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
Contribute Your Acceptance Story to my New Book and Receive $50 plus a Free Signed Copy!
Do you have a personal story about how you accepted someone as they are–annoying traits and all? A love one, boss, parents, or estranged sibling—even a nemesis? Or a story about how your accepting an adversity (a business failure, career setback, health issue, child’s wrongdoing, or other setback) allowed you to move forward with your life in a less stressful, more positive way?
I am currently writing another book, titled The Gift of Acceptance about the profound and often unexpected benefits that are bestowed upon us when we accept people and things as they are, or the “what is” in our lives. Included in the book will be true stories from individuals who have embraced the far-reaching acceptance dynamic.
Please share your acceptance story with the book’s readers, using the questions below as a guideline. If your story is selected for the book, you will receive $50 plus a signed copy of the book one month after its formal publication. (more…)
If you don’t control, you can flow–and that’s true with love as well. So let go of love control this month and let the love flow! For some guidance on how to do this, read my previous post “Enhance Your Valentine’s Day Love Flow.”
In the meantime, remember to
Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
In these highly divisive, hectic, and chaotic times, accepting others as they are is more vital than ever to our overall well being and contentment. (See my post, “Five Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are”). This is confirmed by the most highlighted reader quote from Amazon’s best selling ebook version of Losing Control, Finding Serenity:
“The degree to which you accept people, places, and things for who, what, and how they are is the degree to which you will have serenity in your life.”
Yet, while more and more people are coming to realize the importance of accepting others as they are, many others don’t feel that it really helps.
A common refrain I often hear is “I accept the way she (or he is), but that doesn’t help the situation or make me feel any better.”
This dichotomy of views likely lays in what is meant by acceptance.
For me, true acceptance means accepting others as they are—without judgment or resentment (or other negative emotions and feelings).
Hence, my response to those that say that acceptance doesn’t work for them is that they aren’t really practicing it. Such people may say they are accepting of others, but it is invariably accompanied with residual anger, resentment, or other negative feelings—and thus isn’t true acceptance.
What makes accepting others as they are so very difficult for most of us is that,
We must do it without harboring negative feelings toward the other person.
Yet, if we are to be able to let go, move on, and recognize and act upon the realistic (and often beneficial) choices that are available to us even in the most discouraging and debilitating of situations, we must accept others dispassionately.
That requires us to find ways in which to defuse, or at least significantly diminish, our fears, our anxieties, our resentments, and the like, that are stirred up by how others act and are. (In this regard, it helps to understand that acceptance does not mean that we need condone or excuse what we dislike or find distasteful about another, but simply that we recognize that it is beyond our power to meaningfully change the person.)
Consequently, the answer to whether accepting others helps is—YES.
It’s not easy to do, but well worth the effort. (For some guidance, please see my post,”5 Keys to Practicing Acceptance”)
Please share with me and others how you practice acceptance and how it has worked for you.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”
…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.