controlling parents Archives

Many parents pressure their children to follow the same paths they followed, or ones that they believe are “best” for them, particularly with regard to education and vocation decisions, religious choices, and cultural and social activities. These parents are typically very controlling and have high expectations of their children, and consequently usually do not accept their children’s personal wishes and desires. (For other defining traits, please see my post, “Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?”)

Such parental non-acceptance has several major shortcomings. One is that it leads to conflict and resentment by both parent and child, and resulting damage to their relationship. It also deprives children of the ability to explore, expand, and spread their wings, and gain the self-confidence and self-reliance that come with that. (For other harms, please see my post, “Over Controlling Parents–Harm Now Confirmed.”)

Conversely, when parents are more accepting of their children’s choices and desires, unexpected and remarkable gifts often follow. To illustrate this, let me share with you the interesting story of Eda and Katarina.

Eda Pressures Katarina to Be in Latvian Scouts

Eda had fond memories of participating in Latvian girl scouts while growing up in Cleveland. She always looked forward to the two-week summer sleep away camps in the peaceful forests of Wisconsin, where she learned practical survival skills and Latvian cultural traditions and folk songs.

When her daughter Katarina was born, Eda eagerly awaited the time when she could also participate in Latvian scouts. Eda had high expectations that Katarina would enjoy, and gain as much from, scouts as she had. And in the beginning, Katarina did, when at ages six through nine she attended weekend summer mini-camps with her mother. However, as Katarina entered adolescence and began attending longer 10-day camps without her mother, she felt out of place and excluded by the other girls. Some even made prejudicial remarks about her different religious upbringing.

Katarina thus voiced resistance to continuing in scouts. Eda strongly encouraged Katarina to continue, promising things would get better. Katarina gave in and agreed to attend camp the following summer, but when things were no better, she became very adamant about not continuing in scouts. The two argued a lot whenever the subject was raised, harming their close bond.

Eda Finally Accepts Katarina’s Wishes

After conferring with several close friends, Eda realized that her desires were unfair to impose on her daughter. Eda thus came to accept that it was important to honor her daughter’s wishes. Eda consequently told Katarina that she no longer had to continue in scouts, and apologized for pressuring her so much over the past few years. Simply put, short, Eda “released” Katarina to follow her own path.

Unexpected Rewards Followed

Katarina’s path took a curious, unexpected turn. One day about six months later, to her mother’s surprise, Katarina announced that she wanted to rejoin scouts and attend the upcoming summer’s camp. Over the next three years, Katarina actively participated in scouts, earning successive achievement awards (colored scarves) given by camp elders only after campers passed stringent tests. She was also selected to be on the scout leadership board that planned and supervised activities for the younger campers.

And what would have been scarcely predictable, Katarina become close friends with some of the very campers that had previously shunned her.

Thus, by accepting her daughter’s personal desires and allowing her to choose her own path, Eda was bestowed with the very blessings she had always wanted.

The Gifts of Acceptance

True acceptance frees others to be more fully themselves, without pressure or judgment, and thereby make the choices and follow the paths that are invariably best for them. (For other benefits see my post “Five Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are”)

In that sense, acceptance is a true expression of our love and kindness.

Do you accept your children’s life paths? Was it difficult to do? What helped? Have you experienced any gifts of acceptance? Please share your story with me and others.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

School and education is particularly rife with parental control, whether it’s parents choosing their children’s classes, offering too much advice or help with homework, or constantly “coming to the rescue.”

I have previously shared my strong belief that when parents micromanage their children’s lives, they impede their children’s personal growth, independence, and self-reliance. (See “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Often overlooked, however, is that controlling parents are impacted as well.

Parental stress and anxiety during the transition from high school to college is a prime example.

College Transition Problems for Parents

Challenging college adaptation issues frequently arise for over-controlling parents. Now required to let go of considerable control, parents become anxious and fearful as they struggle to do so. And because they were previously so preoccupied with their children’s lives, they typically experience a larger and more difficult “void” than other parents.

An enlightening article in the July 25 Personal Journal section of the Wall Street Journal entitled “At Freshman Orientation, Helping Mom and Dad Let Go,” pinpoints common transition problems for parents and what colleges are doing to help.

One university administrator calls today’s parents “the most over-involved generation of all time.”

The article reports that 90% of colleges now hold special orientation seminars for parents struggling with the transition that include teaching parents how to stay involved without being “helicopter parents.”

“Our job is to take the gas out of the helicopter, so that by the time their children become seniors, that helicopter is grounded, and students can take care of themselves,” says the executive director of parent services at George Washington University.

And as to be expected, incoming students of over controlling parents also struggle. They frequently aren’t equipped to handle basic living and school tasks and decisions. The article quotes one freshman as saying, “I’ve never done laundry in my life….I can’t cook, either. I can make a grilled cheese, and that’s about it.”

Tips for Surrendering School Control and Easing the Transition to College

The transition to college will be much easier if parents start surrendering school control sooner.

It’s not too late to begin even in high school. I prescribe effective parental decontrol tools in Losing Control, Finding Serenity (chapter entitled “Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle”), but for now here are four ways that will help you start losing some parental school control now:

*Address your fears about their education. Parents are too often pre-occupied by “what ifs” and “what might happens” related to school, and lose an objective sense of the reality about educational issues. (i.e., That Johnny might fail to get into a good college if he receives a B- on his algebra final.) If you address and process your school fears, you will not feel the need to control nearly as much. (See, “2 keys of letting go of fear.”)

*Remove your ego, personal motives, and social status from the equation. Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about your children becoming more independent and self-reliant in preparing for the challenges of college. The less concerned you are about your own issues, the less controlling you will be.

*Allow your children the “opportunity” to make mistakes and exercise poor judgment in their schooling. Having to face the consequences of turning in homework late, not properly studying for an important exam, or forgetting to bring books and papers to class (and such) encourages them to be more responsible and prepares them better for college.

*Practice “Due Process” Parenting. Give your children their “due.” The simple truth is that we parents are not always right—maybe not even most of the time! What may have been right or good for us may not be so for our children. It is important for us to acknowledge the innate differences between ourselves and our children, as well as the enormous challenges children face in our hectic, and at times chaotic world. We thus need to be open to re-examining our positions, as well as to listening attentively to the concerns expressed by our children.

I hope these parental decontrol tools help. Please share with me what ways you have found helpful in learning to let go of unnecessary parental control.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Benefits of Accepting Your Child’s Path

When Parents Fail to Surrender Control at School