The Illusions of High Expectations

| March 31, 2021
The Illusions of High Expectations
The Illusions of High Expectations

When we expect too much of others, most often we are trying to change or control them in some manner.   And in doing so, by definition, we aren’t accepting them as they are.

Simply put,“When you expect, you can’t accept.”

The Illusions of High Expectations 

Many of us justify our expectations in the belief that we are “helping” others.   That we know what’s good or best for them.   But do we?

Aside from bordering on arrogance (and a shortage of humility), I have repeatedly found that I often don’t know what’s best for me, let alone others!   From mentoring others, I know I’m not alone in that.

Moreover, because such expectations place undue pressure on people to be other than who they are or do other than what they wish, resentment and fraying of relationships easily occur.

Who likes being told what to do or how to act or what’s best for them?  You are in effect telling them they are not “good enough.”

Upon closer (and a more honest) self-examination, it is more often the case that we feel we will be better off, or that our important “needs” will be met, if others act the way we want or expect them to.

This belief system warrants scrutiny.  It’s more illusion, than reality.

When our focus and reliance is too much on others—which is where our expectations direct us–we lose sight of what we can do to make things better for ourselves.   We thus risk stymieing our own growth and development.

In short, we give up the power to make our lives better. 

Piercing the Illusions

In The Gifts of Acceptance, I discuss tools and strategies in some detail for moderating expectations aimed at trying to change or control others.

Included are some interrelated self-queries that have helped me pierce the illusions of my expectations—particularly of loved ones, family, and close relationships–and in the process become more accepting of them:

*Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations? 

*Can others realistically fulfill my needs—even if they wanted to?

*Will I truly be better off if others do or want as I expect? 

*Is my happiness or well-being that dependent on others?

I encourage you to make the same (or similar) queries.  Hopefully, they will help you release your expectations of others.

If you wish to explore this important subject further, below are four other posts that you may find helpful:

“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You“

“How to Lower Family Expectations”

“Tips for Letting Go of High Expectations”

“Let Go of Control by Moderating Expectations”

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

| May 6, 2020

         (4th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more.  High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before.   Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient.   I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself.  I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.”    After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst.   Specifically, I expected that

  1. It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.
  1. That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.
  1. She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation: 

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus.  (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves.  (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!  

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus.    My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance  and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

Challenges of Accepting People and Things as They Are

| October 26, 2018

There are formidable challenges to accepting people and things as they are.  In the Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are I explore in depth how to overcome the main obstacles to practicing acceptance.  As part of my efforts to help “Make Acceptance Go Viral,” I recently wrote an article for the popular blog, Purpose Fairy,  entitled “Four Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance–and How to Overcome Them,”  which is reproduced below.   I hope you find it helpful in practicing acceptance.

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“More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships.   Acceptance leads to a life marked by realistic expectations, greater humility, and new choices, discoveries, and possibilities, as well as reduced sorry, stress, and frustrations—a life where hope replaces despair.

The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer andthe widely practiced 12 Step Programs.  It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.

Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is not difficult.  Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to “practice acceptance”? And why do we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.

                           Overcoming Four Major Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance 

I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it.  I have done extensive research, reflected on my own experience with hardships, and interviewed people who are blessed with the serenity of living in acceptance, even in the most discouraging situations.

In doing so, I have come to believe there are at least four fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance.

We Are Too Fearful.

Fear is a powerful acceptance blocker.  We are fearful that if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed.  For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school (and not get into college!)  Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects and quirks of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.

Consequently, facing and processing such acceptance fears make it much easier to accept others and things as they are.  Our fears are mostly illusory or speculative.   Apt acronyms for FEAR are False EvidenceAppearing Real and Future Events Already Ruined.   Think about this for a moment.  Isn’t it the case that most of our fears are based on suppositions, speculations concerning events that haven’t yet occurred?   If you constantly remind yourself of this, your fears will not undermine you.

We Expect Too Much of Others.

Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.

Our expectations are often based on our perceived needs that we look to others to satisfy.   The real truth is that only wecan satisfy our core needs.

To help moderate your expectations, here are three pertinent questions you can ask yourself:

         Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations of another person? 

         Am I looking for him to fulfill those needs? 

         Can she realistically fulfill those needs– even if she wanted to? 

We Lack Trust and Faith.

Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay (or that we will be okay) if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it “play out” naturally because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.

Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions.   You need only look back on your past life experiences and travails to realize this is the case.   I have found that it helps to verbalize trust; i.e., “I trust that (fill in the blank) will work out okay”, “I trust that I will overcome this challenge.”

We Are Not Humble Enough.

Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way is the best or right way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.

It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe.  Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently.  To believe that our way is best for others borders on arrogance.

                                                        An Acceptance Challenge!

Overcoming these acceptance obstacles—even partially—enhances practicing acceptance.    Thus, during this week I challenge you to focus on accepting people and things as they are—which is to say accepting life on life’s terms—by reducing your expectations, being more humble, addressing your fears, and trusting that everything will turn out as it is meant to me.

In doing so, I am confident The Gifts of Acceptance await you!”

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I would be very interested in learning about what obstacles have made it difficult for you to accept people and things as they are and how you have overcome or mitigated their impact.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is.”

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*If you like this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

**I am excited to let you know that The Gifts of Acceptance is now available as an audiobook on audible.com.

 

 

5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You

| July 10, 2017

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity I explain how high expectations are a driving force behind our need to control our loved ones, children, friends and others. High expectations of others pressure them to do and be what we want, or what we feel is best for them. As such, we are imposing our will on them.

Have you considered how high expectations hurt you? Here are five significant ways:

  1. They create dissension in our close relationships.People resent it when we pressure them to be other than who they are or wish to be.   We are in effect telling them they are “not good enough.” This leads to resentment and dissension, thus impacting our bonds and connection with them.
  2. They divert us from pursuing our personal growth. With expectations, our focus is on others instead of where it can do us the most good: ourselves. They divert us from working on our shortcomings and enhancing our personal talents and attributes.
  3. They create unnecessary anxiety.   Expectations are results-driven. We become concerned and anxious that future events will not be as we had wanted—or expected. Moreover, unmet expectations lead to disappointment and more anxiety.
  1. They transport us from the present. Expectations assume that our well-being and happiness are dependent on future events happening in a manner that will satisfy our perceived needs.  Such linear thinking is contrary to life’s unpredictable ebb and flow (or impermanence), in which change is the only thing that is constant.  As such, expectations transport us from the only place where our needs can be truly satisfied: the present.
  1. They deny us the blessings from accepting life and people as they are. As will be made clear in my forthcoming book, The Gifts of Acceptance*, there are significant blessings when we accept life and people as they are. However, when we expect too much from others and things, we aren’t accepting of them. We are either trying to control or change them.

In addition to sharing my own and others’ acceptance stories, my new book offers effective ways in which you can moderate your expectations. For now, here are two practical posts that will help you do that:

Click here to read “How to Lower Family Expectations.”

Visit this link to read “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations.”

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept What Is!

Danny

*You can download a preview chapter of The Gifts of Acceptance  by clicking here.

**If you like this post, please share it with your Facebook friends.

Benefits of Accepting Your Child’s Path

| October 23, 2013

Many parents pressure their children to follow the same paths they followed, or ones that they believe are “best” for them, particularly with regard to education and vocation decisions, religious choices, and cultural and social activities.   These parents are typically very controlling and have high expectations of their children, and consequently usually do not accept their children’s personal wishes and desires. (For other defining traits, please see my post, “Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?”)

Such parental non-acceptance has several major shortcomings.   One is that it leads to conflict and resentment by both parent and child, and resulting damage to their relationship.  It also deprives children of the ability to explore, expand, and spread their wings, and gain the self-confidence and self-reliance that come with that. (For other harms, please see my post, “Over Controlling Parents–Harm Now Confirmed.”)

Conversely, when parents are more accepting of  their children’s choices and desires, unexpected and remarkable gifts often follow.   To illustrate this, let me share with you the interesting story of Eda and Katarina.

Eda Pressures Katarina to Be in Latvian Scouts

Eda had fond memories of participating in Latvian girl scouts while growing up in Cleveland.  She always looked forward to the two-week summer sleep away camps in the peaceful forests of Wisconsin, where she learned practical survival skills and Latvian cultural traditions and folk songs.

When her daughter Katarina was born, Eda eagerly awaited the time when she could also participate in Latvian scouts.  Eda had high expectations that Katarina would enjoy, and gain as much from, scouts as she had.  And in the beginning, Katarina did, when at ages six through nine she attended weekend summer mini-camps with her mother.  However, as Katarina entered adolescence and began attending longer 10-day camps without her mother, she felt out of place and excluded by the other girls.  Some even made prejudicial remarks about her different religious upbringing.

Katarina thus voiced resistance to continuing in scouts.  Eda strongly encouraged Katarina to continue, promising things would get better.  Katarina gave in and agreed to attend camp the following summer, but when things were no better, she became very adamant about not continuing in scouts.   The two argued a lot whenever the subject was raised, harming their close bond.

Eda Finally Accepts Katarina’s Wishes

After conferring with several close friends, Eda realized that her desires were unfair to impose on her daughter.  Eda thus came to accept that it was important to honor her daughter’s wishes.   Eda consequently told Katarina that she no longer had to continue in scouts, and apologized for pressuring her so much over the past few years.   Simply put, short, Eda “released” Katarina to follow her own path.

Unexpected Rewards Followed

Katarina’s path took a curious, unexpected turn.   One day about six months later, to her mother’s surprise, Katarina announced that she wanted to rejoin scouts and attend the upcoming summer’s camp.   Over the next three years, Katarina actively participated in scouts, earning successive achievement awards (colored scarves) given by camp elders only after campers passed stringent tests.    She was also selected to be on the scout leadership board that planned and supervised activities for the younger campers.

And what would have been scarcely predictable, Katarina become close friends with some of the very campers that had previously shunned her.

Thus, by accepting her daughter’s personal desires and allowing her to choose her own path, Eda was bestowed with the very blessings she had always wanted.

The Gifts of Acceptance

True acceptance frees others to be more fully themselves, without pressure or judgment, and thereby make the choices and follow the paths that are invariably best for them. (For other benefits see my post “Five Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are”)

In that sense, acceptance is a true expression of our love and kindness.

Do you accept your children’s life paths?   Was it difficult to do?  What helped?   Have you experienced any gifts of acceptance?   Please share your story with me and others.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Acceptance, Expectations, and Control: Vital Links

| April 24, 2013

There are vital links or connections between acceptance, expectations, and the need to control.   That’s why they are such an integral part of the discourse on this blog and in my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How To Let It Go.

Here are some of the vital links:

*When we expect too much from others, we usually try to change or control them.   We are also not accepting of how they are.

*When we don’t accept people as they are, we frequently try to change them through controlling means.

*When we try to change or control others, we are not accepting of them.

The consequences of the above actions invariably include resentment, conflict and dissension, anxiety, and damaged relationships.

*When we do accept others as they are, we do not feel the need to try to change or control them.   Nor do we have unreasonable expectations of them. (See 5 Keys to Practicing “Acceptance”)

*When we moderate our expectations of others, it is much easier to accept them as they are, and feel much less need to try to change or control them.

The consequences of the above actions include stronger bonds and relationships, greater trust and intimacy, and much more serenity for you—and others.

What links have you experienced between acceptance, expectations, and control?   Please share them with me.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Please check out my new book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are.

 

Albert Pujols–The Way Out of Your Slump

| May 20, 2012

Poor Albert Pujols.   All those high expectations from fans, the owner–and  himself.

And why not?   A $240 million dollar contract can drum up a lot of expectations.

Is there thus any wonder why Albert is slumping so terribly?    Undue expectations invariably propel controlling actions; in his case trying too hard, analyzing and thinking too much, and likely doing too much.

The solution, Albert, may sound counter-intuitive, but it’s tried and true:

Let Go of Control!

Pujol’s dilemma of high expectations is not unusual or uncommon with high paid athletes.  In the chapter in my book entitled “Losing Sports Control: Gaining the Competitive Edge”, I relate how newly acquired L.A. Dodgers outfielder J.D. Drew was mired in a season long hitting slump until he finally gave up trying so hard to get out of it.   The following year he went on to make the American League All-Star team.

Similarly, in my post, “Lose Slumps by Losing Control”, I cite how other athletes (and professionals) successfully lost their slumps by letting go of control, as well as offering a few decontrol tips.

The dynamic is the same in all sports.

Too much control, too little flow.

So Albert, here is my advice—and please forgive me if I am being “too” controlling by offering it, but I truly believe it can help you continue to be the great player that you are.

*Disregard the expectations of fans and the owner.   Trying to meet them is what is causing you to be too controlling and not playing “within” yourself.

*Lower your own expectations as well.   It puts too much pressure on you.

*Stop trying so hard to come out of your slump.  Instead of over thinking and analyzing everything, just focus on having fun and enjoying the game that you love.

Regardless, Albert, I will continue rooting for you to hit them out of the park and I am confident you will soon return to form.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

How to Lower Family Expectations

| May 10, 2012

High expectations of others plant the seeds for disappointment and resentment. Whether assertive or subtle, expecting too much of others pressures them to act and be, as we want them to.

At its core, it is our attempt to control or change others.

High expectations become a double edged sword.  We become resentful when our expectations are not met, and others become resentful because we are not accepting them as they are.

And none more so than with family!

Probably because we feel more safe and “entitled” with family, our expectations are usually greater and more freely expressed.   And because we have more “history” with divisive family issues, our expectations tend to be negative ones.

A prime example is when adult children—often reluctantly, but dutifully–return home for the holidays.   They are apprehensive and expect that recurring issues from the past will be drummed up again by their parents and siblings.  My advice is:

Let go of unrealistic family expectations.

The more we can lower our family expectations, or keep them realistic, the more peace and serenity we will have and the stronger our family bonds will be.

Here are three ways you can reduce or let go of your family expectations.

*Determine what  “perceived” needs underlie your expectations. Most often, our family expectations are derived from deep needs we have, whether it be the need to be loved, accepted, or the need to “help” other members.

Consider, however, whether the need is something that others can really fulfill?

Or, as is more often the case, is it something that only you can fulfill?

Once you recognize this essential truth, your expectations will diminish, whether it be with family or others in your life.

* Be more grateful for what your family gives you. Instead of thinking about family members’ annoying traits, focus on the good things that you enjoy and appreciate about them.   Similarly, be positive and open-minded.  Don’t assume or anticipate conflict or unpleasant behavior based on past history.   Trust that you will be able to deflect or disengage from any upsetting behavior or problems that might arise.

*Accept your family for whom and how they are.  Don’t try to change family members.   No one is perfect or without flaws.   Are you?    When you accept your family as they are, it not only avoids resentment and dissension, but also strengthens family bonds.

I have come to believe that all families are to some extent “dysfunctional” and that we do not have the power to change family dynamics by ourselves.  Expecting that we can do so–usually by using controlling means—only makes matters worse.

However, we do have the power to change our own role within the family dynamic.

Making the shift from expectations to family closeness

We can choose not to expect, not to engage, not to react and not to pressure, and just be as accepting of our family as we can.   As we begin to do this, a “shift” can occur in which our family feels safer and more trusting and reacts and responds to us in a more loving manner–and therein I believe lies the best hope for bringing us the family closeness we seek and desire.

Please share with me your beliefs and experiences with family expectations and what successes you have had when you were able to lower them.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Tips for Letting Go of High Expectations

| January 20, 2012

Setting intentions for letting go of control in our life is very helpful.  A key one for me is  “moderate my expectations.”   Unrealistic expectations  propel us to try to control vital aspects of our lives such as family, intimate relations, friendships,  and work affairs, often leading to disappointment and resentment.

It is Important to Moderate our Expectations

While it is important to form clear intentions, it is equally important that we pursue them in a realistic manner.  Once we start expecting too much or too soon, we start pressing, pressuring, resisting and the like, and that disrupts the natural flow of events (“life’s natural currents”) that are the best means of fulfilling our intentions.

My High Tennis Expectations Set Me Back!

An intention I formed last fall was to faire better in seniors tennis tournaments.   I thus began taking lessons and playing more often.   I made good progress and became very excited—and my expectations soared.  Maybe, I thought, I could even start winning some tournaments.   I decided to enter two major January tournaments in the Palm Springs area.

Then, three weeks ago, I injured my back because I continued playing after my back muscles tightened from serving too hard.   After chiropractic treatments for two weeks, I felt better, but still had a lot of discomfort and had to withdraw from the first tournament.    I was disheartened and even depressed.

I soon realized that my maintaining such high expectations had undermined by tennis intentions.   I reflected on how I could moderate my expectations to make them more realistic.   Below are some of the ways that I found very helpful in moderating my tennis expectations–and which I believe will improve my chances of fulfilling my tennis desires.

Tips for Moderating High Expectations

*Don’t press to make your intentions happen. Let them happen organically–plant the seeds, if you will, and water them throughout the year, being careful not to “flood” them.   In my case, I pressed too hard and was injured.

*Don’t strive for perfection.   This invariably leads to disappointment, frustration, and resentment.   Consequently, don’t set the bar too high.   I clearly set my tennis bar too high, setting myself up for disappointment.

*Accept setbacks.   Don’t expect linear progress.  It likely took many years to form the habits and patterns that you wish to change, and as such, most are deeply ingrained.    Hence, accept that there will likely be relapses along the way and don’t be discouraged.

*Be grateful for partial successes. Honor and appreciate partial successes in fulfilling your intentions.   Small steps lead to larger ones.

My Revised Expectations and Intentions

This Sunday I play in the largest seniors tournament in the United States and my opponent is the 5th best player in the nation in my age division.    Here are my expectations/intentions with respect to the tournament.

1.   To enjoy the experience and be grateful for the opportunity to learn from playing against a top-notch player.

2.   To try to incorporate what I have learned in my lessons.

3.  And, to enjoy the beautiful desert scenery, meet new friends–and have a lot of fun!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Tips for Letting Go of Stress During the Holidays

| December 8, 2011

The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people.   We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.

Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety:  Let Go of Control!

If you do, you will enjoy the holidays much more—or at least dread them much less!  If you are wondering how control impacts enjoyment of the holidays, let me explain.  Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.

Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?

You can—by letting go of control.  Here’s how.

Holiday Decontrol Tips

1.  Lower Your Expectations. Try not to expect too much of others, especially family.  As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment–and harmful control actions.  It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act.  (after all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves).  And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.

For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a Chanukah or Christmas dinner, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen; instead, trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur, and enjoy other parts of the reunion.

2.  Be Patient. Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions.  Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush.  Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way.   Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully.  To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.

3. Keep Things Simple. Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking.  Also, don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.”  Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen!  Instead, trust that things will work out as they were intended.  By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy, and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.

4.  Address and process your “Personal Truths.”  Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control.  I devote an entire chapter on the subject (Embracing Your Personal Truths) in  Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

In simple terms, it is important to identify and process the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.

For example, if you are feeling  anxious because of all the things you feel you need (or want) to do, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it.  Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically.  Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it.  “Embrace” it, if you will.   Also ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t?   The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.

Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.

If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will experience greater enjoyment of the holiday season.   You might even look forward to them!

In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season.   And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations

| November 13, 2010

 

Many of us recognize the benefits of letting go of control and have a strong desire to do so, but struggle with it.  That’s perfectly understandable when you consider that we have been raised and have always lived in a control based world.  After all, as young children weren’t we controlled by our parents? By our teachers? And at times even by our religious leaders?  This is not to say that control is not warranted in many situations, but simply that when we have been so immersed in it throughout our lives, we feel uncomfortable and insecure without it.

It thus is a tremendous challenge to begin letting go of control—particularly with those matters and concerns that are most important to us. (Ironically, it is those areas in which losing control would be most beneficial!) As I stated in my introductory blog post, a primary reason for this blog is to provide (and engage in an intercourse about) effective tools and tips for letting go of control.  So let’s start with the first one:

Moderate Your Expectations.

High Expectations Fuel Controlling Actions

We all have expectations.  They are a natural part of our desire for a better and more content life.   We expect our friends and family to act kindly and responsibly toward us and others.  We expect our work to provide us with  certain security and benefits.  We expect our children to perform well in school; our teachers to be competent; and our leaders to govern fairly.  And so on.

The problem arises when our expectations become unrealistically high.  High expectations fuel controlling actions.  When we expect too much of people and things, it inevitably leads to disappointment followed by control actions.  When people don’t act or respond the way we want or expect them to, we try hard to change them.  We become critical, judgmental, demanding—even threatening.

High expectations impact all areas of our lives: work, family, friendships, sports, performance, to name a few key ones.  I will try to address these areas in future posts, but for now let’s consider the impact of control on our creativity.   When you have high expectations about a creative work or piece, whether it be a painting, a music composition, a script—-even cooking a gourmet meal—it induces you to over think, become anxious, and try too hard for perfection.  These types of controlling actions severely obstruct the creative process.  Things stop jelling and flowing naturally, you stop acting intuitively, and your piece suffers.  As a painter, I have had many paintings that started out great, after which I raised my expectations, only to have them falter as I pressed to maintain their high level.

Set Realistic Expectations

Consequently, you need to set realistic goals and expectations  if you wish to reduce the urge to control.  Doing so goes a long way toward saving you and those around you from undue pressure, demands, and stress.  Similarly, do not expect too much of yourself, either.  When you do, you will start pressing and forcing the action, thereby disrupting the natural flow of events.

One effective way to set realistic expectations is simply to ask yourself whether your perceived need or desire is that important in the overall scheme of things.  Most of the time it is not. It is also helpful to keep reminding ourselves that life (and thus people, occurrences and events) is constantly moving, shifting, and ebbing and flowing, and hence it is not wise to rely too much on people acting or things turning out the way we would like.

Finding Your Hidden Treasures

I would like to close with a short passage from my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity:

“I carry in my wallet a wise statement from a Chinese fortune cookie I opened many years ago.  It reads, ‘You will find hidden treasures where least expected.’ Think about that for a moment.  If you expect less, you control less—and find more.  Conversely, when you expect more, you control more—and find less.”

In the meantime,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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