Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

| May 6, 2020

         (4th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more.  High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before.   Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient.   I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself.  I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.”    After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst.   Specifically, I expected that

  1. It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.
  1. That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.
  1. She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation: 

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus.  (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves.  (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!  

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus.    My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance  and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift of Acceptance – Call For Submissions

| March 30, 2016

Contribute Your Acceptance Story to my New Book and Receive $50 plus a Free Signed Copy!

Do you have a personal story about how you accepted someone as they are–annoying traits and all? A love one, boss, parents, or estranged sibling—even a nemesis? Or a story about how your accepting an adversity (a business failure, career setback, health issue, child’s wrongdoing, or other setback) allowed you to move forward with your life in a less stressful, more positive way?

I am currently writing another book, titled The Gift of Acceptance about the profound and often unexpected benefits that are bestowed upon us when we accept people and things as they are, or the “what is” in our lives.  Included in the book will be true stories from individuals who have embraced the far-reaching acceptance dynamic.

Please share your acceptance story with the book’s readers, using the questions below as a guideline.  If your story is selected for the book, you will receive $50 plus a signed copy of the book one month after its formal publication. (more…)

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2013

| December 30, 2012

Because of their importance to my serenity, I annually review and update my intentions for letting go of control.  Such intentions are highly effective in reducing our need or compulsion to control others and things.   Below are my intentions for letting go of control in 2013.

I intend to:

“Live and let live”

“Be more accepting of others”

“Let go of the things that I cannot realistically change”

“Listen attentively to others without offering advice”

“Face and process my fears”

“Moderate my expectations of others and things”

“Be more humble”

“Focus on improving myself rather than changing others”

 

“Recognize that my way may not be the best or “right” way for others”

 

“Be more grateful of the many blessings in my life”

“Accept life as it is”

 

“Say the Serenity Prayer each morning”

And,

“Repeat these intentions at least once a week throughout the year”

What are your decontrol intentions for 2013?  I encourage you to try the ones above that personally speak to you or formulate your own.    I am confident your reward will be,

Greater Serenity in 2013!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Albert Pujols Lets Go of Control and Loses his Slump!

| August 14, 2012

Several months ago I offered some decontrol suggestions to Albert Pujols on how he could come out of the horrendous batting slump he was mired in following his signing a record breaking contract with the Los Angeles Angels.

At the time, he was batting a measly .194 with NO home runs!

Remarkably, in the three months since he has hit .303 with 24 home runs and 71 runs batted in.

Why?  Because he let go of control!

Pujols confirmed this in the lead article in the August 13 Sports Section of the Los Angeles Times entitled “On a Barrel Roll, ” where he remarked:

“I think everyone was pressing, not just myself, but I was the face because I signed the big contract, and I had to show people I was worth every penny.”

Significantly, Pujols wents on to say:

“When I decided not to try to do too much, that’s when things started to turn.”

This aptly illustrates one of the major catalysts of our unproductive and often harmful controlling actions.

Pressing and trying to do too much.

All of which removes us from “life’s natural currents.”   Only when we are willing to lose control, are we able to engage and act more intuitively and expansively within the natural flow of life—whether it be our work lives, our home lives, creative lives—or in Albert Pujol’s case, our sports and performance lives.

The next time you are mired in a “slump,” try letting go of control.   And please let me know how it worked for you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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When Parents Fail to Surrender Control at School

| August 5, 2012

School and education is particularly rife with parental control, whether it’s parents choosing their children’s classes, offering too much advice or help with homework, or constantly “coming to the rescue.”

I have previously shared my strong belief that when parents micromanage their children’s lives, they impede their children’s personal growth, independence, and self-reliance. (See “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Often overlooked, however, is that controlling parents are impacted as well.

Parental stress and anxiety during the transition from high school to college is a prime example.

College Transition Problems for Parents

Challenging college adaptation issues frequently arise for over-controlling parents.    Now required to let go of considerable control, parents become anxious and fearful as they struggle to do so.   And because they were previously so preoccupied with their children’s lives, they typically experience a larger and more difficult “void” than other parents.

An enlightening article in the July 25 Personal Journal section of the Wall Street Journal entitled “At Freshman Orientation, Helping Mom and Dad Let Go,” pinpoints common transition problems for parents and what colleges are doing to help.

One university administrator calls today’s parents “the most over-involved generation of all time.”

The article reports that 90% of colleges now hold special orientation seminars for parents struggling with the transition that include teaching parents how to stay involved without being “helicopter parents.”

“Our job is to take the gas out of the helicopter, so that by the time their children become seniors, that helicopter is grounded, and students can take care of themselves,” says the executive director of parent services at George Washington University.

And as to be expected, incoming students of over controlling parents also struggle.  They frequently aren’t equipped to handle basic living and school tasks and decisions.   The article quotes one freshman as saying, “I’ve never done laundry in my life….I can’t cook, either.  I can make a grilled cheese, and that’s about it.”

Tips for Surrendering School Control and Easing the Transition to College

The transition to college will be much easier if parents start surrendering school control sooner.

It’s not too late to begin even in high school.   I prescribe effective parental decontrol tools in Losing Control, Finding Serenity (chapter entitled “Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle”), but for now here are four ways that will help you start losing some parental school control now:

*Address your fears about their education.   Parents are too often pre-occupied by “what ifs” and “what might happens” related to school, and lose an objective sense of the reality about educational issues.   (i.e., That Johnny might fail to get into a good college if he receives a B- on his algebra final.)  If you address and process your school fears, you will not feel the need to control nearly as much. (See, “2 keys of letting go of fear.”)

*Remove your ego, personal motives, and social status from the equation.  Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about your children becoming more independent and self-reliant in preparing for the challenges of college.  The less concerned you are about your own issues, the less controlling you will be.

*Allow your children the “opportunity” to make mistakes and exercise poor judgment in their schooling.   Having to face the consequences of turning in homework late, not properly studying for an important exam, or forgetting to bring books and papers to class (and such) encourages them to be more responsible and prepares them better for college.

*Practice “Due Process” Parenting. Give your children their “due.” The simple truth is that we parents are not always right—maybe not even most of the time! What may have been right or good for us may not be so for our children.  It is important for us to acknowledge the innate differences between ourselves and our children, as well as the enormous challenges children face in our hectic, and at times chaotic world. We thus need to be open to re-examining our positions, as well as to listening attentively to the concerns expressed by our children.

I hope these parental decontrol tools help.   Please share with me what ways you have found helpful in learning to let go of unnecessary parental control.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Tips for Letting Go of Stress During the Holidays

| December 8, 2011

The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people.   We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.

Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety:  Let Go of Control!

If you do, you will enjoy the holidays much more—or at least dread them much less!  If you are wondering how control impacts enjoyment of the holidays, let me explain.  Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.

Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?

You can—by letting go of control.  Here’s how.

Holiday Decontrol Tips

1.  Lower Your Expectations. Try not to expect too much of others, especially family.  As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment–and harmful control actions.  It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act.  (after all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves).  And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.

For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a Chanukah or Christmas dinner, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen; instead, trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur, and enjoy other parts of the reunion.

2.  Be Patient. Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions.  Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush.  Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way.   Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully.  To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.

3. Keep Things Simple. Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking.  Also, don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.”  Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen!  Instead, trust that things will work out as they were intended.  By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy, and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.

4.  Address and process your “Personal Truths.”  Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control.  I devote an entire chapter on the subject (Embracing Your Personal Truths) in  Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

In simple terms, it is important to identify and process the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.

For example, if you are feeling  anxious because of all the things you feel you need (or want) to do, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it.  Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically.  Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it.  “Embrace” it, if you will.   Also ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t?   The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.

Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.

If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will experience greater enjoyment of the holiday season.   You might even look forward to them!

In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season.   And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Finding Serenity

| July 2, 2011

As the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am sometimes asked what I mean by “serenity.”

I realize that serenity means different things to different people.    For many, it means peace and tranquility.   For others, it means harmony.    I’ve also heard some people express that it simply means being comfortable in their “own skin.”

As I use it in my book and writings, I intend it to mean all these things—and more.   It is an expansive term;  one that viscerally evokes a core sense of “well being” and freedom and contentment.

“Serenity” thus encompasses  all of these positive feelings and states of being.

An instrumental way in which we can have greater serenity in our lives is by giving up control—particularly those types and forms of control triggered by our strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, resentment and anger.

More specifically, losing control leads to conditions that result in greater serenity. For example, it reduces stress and anxiety;  lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.

That is why so much of my writings in this blog, as well as in my book, is devoted to exploring  methods and ways (“decontrol tools”) in which we can lose control in such vital areas of our lives as parenting, family, intimate relations,  friendships, work and creative endeavors.   Even the short cue at the end of my posts is one such way.

In the meantime, remember

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!

 

Danny

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Losing Control, Finding Flow

| June 17, 2011

We often hear people talk about “going with the flow” when discussing  how they intend to deal with important issues and challenges in their lives.   I think for most, that means they wish to engage matters as they naturally arise, without forcing or resisting.

However, what we hear very little about is how we can actually do it.

I would like to share some ways that have allowed me to access the  flow state, which, for me, is that state of grace where things seem to come to us—almost effortlessly–rather than we to them; where openness and freedom of thought and ideas spring forth almost magically; and where we are aware and grounded.

The Wave

Following a very difficult period of my life twenty-five years ago (and well  before I thought about writing my current book) I began exploring and writing about the idea of being able to glide within “life’s natural currents.”

The metaphor that came closest to the vision of a peaceful life I desired was riding ocean waves.

I thought of there being a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer.  Some  simply vanishing .  Many changing course.  We have no influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.  As soon as one crests near us, we can extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and glide with it.  If we encounter turbulence, which we always will, we can find ways to protect ourselves.

I even coined my own nautical parlance, such as  “go with the Wave”,  “ride the Wave”, “navigate the currents” and “float with the swells”.  Just verbalizing it in this manner was (and is) very soothing to me.

Indeed, the Wave has played such an important part in improving my life that I included it as the final chapter of Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

Losing Control

I learned that the best way to access the Wave is by letting go of control.   I thus explored effective, practical ways—which I now call “decontrol tools”—that enabled me to more easily let go of control in such vital areas as parenting,  family and friends,  love and romance,  my creative endeavors and at work.   I even found effective ways to do it with my favorite past time, tennis.  I write about these decontrol tools in depth in my book, as well as in this blog.

Finding Flow

Simply put, when you lose control, you find flow.

When you let go of control, it frees life’s “natural currents” and you can then participate in those those currents in an expansive and intuitive manner and discover life’s possibilities.   I quickly learned that the rewards are often unexpected and remarkable.   Turmoil and conflict disappear.  Intimacy and bonds with friends, family and loved ones strengthen significantly.     Fears and worries leave us.    And work becomes less stressful and more profitable.

I encourage you this week to start letting go of control and enjoy life’s flow!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Gain Control by Losing Control

| May 19, 2011

 

Most people think they need to control people and events in order to get what they want, or think they want. This is quite understandable when you consider the fact that from the time we were young children we have been immersed in a control dominated environment. After all, who could be more controlling than our parents? Even our teachers and religious leaders are controlling in various ways. Certainly, politicians are controlling, frequently manipulating and distorting facts in order to persuade us or gain our support. We thus become very secure with control and the idea of letting go of it can be very unsettling—and for many, unthinkable!

What most controllers fail to recognize is that the more we try to control our lives, the more “out of control” our lives actually become.

Most of us are constantly striving for a sense of security in today’s hectic, complex world.   Controlling actions—whether by pressing, forcing, resisting, and the like– are the primary means we use to try to accomplish this goal.  What we fail to recognize, however, is that the harder we strive for security, the more insecure we become.

That beguiling philosopher, Alan Watts, expresses it best in his little jewel of a book, The Wisdom of Insecurity (Vintage Books, 1951):  “It must be obvious, from the start, that there is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity….To put it more plainly: the desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing.”

Losing control of our lives helps us gain control over our lives.

As I explain (and demonstrate through true life stories) in Losing Control, Finding Serenity the more we are able to let go of control in our lives—particularly fear driven control–the more freedom and contentment we will have.  Losing control frees life’s “natural currents” and allows us to engage those currents in an intuitive and expansive manner, resulting in stronger family bonds, enhanced love and intimacy, expanded creative horizons and less stress and anxiety at work and at home.   Thus, although we can never truly “gain” control over our lives,  we can “gain” the sense of well  being and contentment that comes with losing control in vital areas of our lives.

Take This Challenge

Not convinced?  Don’t take my word for it. I challenge you to give up control in the following ways over the next week and observe what happens:

a.  Listen to your children without voicing your opinion or offering advice of any kind.     Remember that they are different from you, and do and process things differently than you do.

b.   Don’t plan anything at all on a Saturday or Sunday (or a week day if you are able), and simply go with what unfolds naturally that day. Try to let go of all expectations and impose no time limits on your activities that day.

c.  Don’t plan or think too much about what you should do (or about the outcome) in your creative endeavors.  Just enjoy the process.  And don’t strive for perfection!

Please drop me a line and let me know how it went.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Remarkable Gifts of Letting Go of Control

| May 5, 2011

Most of my blog posts discuss the remarkable and often unexpected gifts that are bestowed upon you when you are willing to let go of control–even partially. I have also tried to carry this message in articles I have written for some well known blogs and online magazines.

I am pleased to share with you an article of mine that was published last month on a blog called Rat Race Trap.

“How Letting Go of Control Brings You Freedom And  Contentment

Are you stressed out and overwhelmed?   Do you want more intimacy and connection with your loved ones?  Are you lacking the time to pursue your passions?

There is a way to change all that:  let go of control—or as I like to say, lose control!

Trying to control people and events harms us and everyone around us.  It blinds us to options and choices we can make that would greatly improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively and financially.   Instead we worry incessantly and become imprisoned by our fears, anger and anxiety, all of which consume inordinate amounts of needless time and energy.   This time and energy could instead be devoted to pursuing our passions—if we are willing to lose some control in our lives.

When we let go of control, our blinders come off and we can engage in life’s currents in an intuitive and expansive manner and thereby discover life’s possibilities.   Moreover, when we stop trying to control others, the focus changes from them to us.    We can then work on improving our shortcomings and enhancing our skills, talents and creativity.

In short, you will have more freedom and contentment when you lose control.   Let me share two true stories that illustrate this in two important life arenas.

Letting Go of Control at Home Creates Intimacy

With families and close friends we often want or demand more than what is (or can be) given to us.   For example, we may feel the need for more support, affection and validation from our parents.    Similarly, parents may feel the need for more respect and attention from their children.   Controlling actions are frequently the means used to try to fulfill these needs.   However, pressuring others, particularly those closest to us, breeds anger and resentment.   After all, who likes being told how they should be?

A case in point is the story of Emma, an only child who had immigrated to the United States from the “old country” after World War II, and her daughter, Anna.

Emma was ill-equipped to raise her five children in a culturally diverse country, and she made no bones about not enjoying being a mom.  Once she even told Anna that if she could do it all over again, she would not have had children.   Nevertheless, Anna was a dutiful daughter who dearly wanted a nurturing mother, and thus continually looked to Emma for support and encouragement.  But it rarely came.   Instead, Anna usually received criticism and demeaning remarks from her mother.   Yet, well into her adult life, Anna persisted in seeking what her mother was unable to give her and always got the same results.

Then one day Anna had an epiphany that dramatically changed the relationship between the two women.   Anna had seen a movie in which the heroine was viciously attacked, and the first person she called for help was her mother.   This made an impression on Anna.   She realized that her own mother would have been the last person she would have called under similar circumstances.   From that turning point, Anna stopped trying to change her mother and began accepting her for who she was—and just as important, for who she wasn’t!

Interestingly, their relationship improved dramatically.   The pressure was off Emma to be someone she wasn’t.    Over time, the two became friends and equals, and Emma began to open up more to her daughter.    When Emma later became gravely ill and was dying, Anna was there to share her mother’s final intimate moments, in which they selected the songs and prayers, even the clothes and jewelry to be worn, for Emma’s funeral.

Thus, Anna’s willingness to accept her mother as she was finally brought her the intimacy that she was unable to have by seeking it.

Letting Go of Control at Work Pays Large Dividends

The workplace is where humanity’s primal drive for sustenance and survival is most prominently played out.   As such, it is a hotbed for costly and inefficient control practices.    Being willing to lose some control at work brings unexpected rewards.

Many years ago I formed an investment partnership to purchase the largest and most expensive office building I had ever known.   I was very excited by the property’s prospects.    It seemed to have everything going for it—quality contruction and design, solid tenants and a great location.  In fact, I proudly considered it my “flagship” property.    However, shortly after the purchase the local office market took a dive and we lost key tenants.  I devoted almost all my time and energy to trying to save the property from foreclosure, including coming up with expensive promotions, remodeling the common areas and offering rent reductions.   I even changed the name of the building.

Nothing worked.   We were on the verge of losing our entire investment.  However, being the compulsive controller that I was, each defeat only caused me to press harder.   Then one day one of my partners said, “Maybe the building is the heavy anchor that is weighing you down.  Have you ever thought about unloading it so you can focus on your other properties?”

I was stunned.   The truth and common sense of what he said were immediately apparent, but I had never considered it because I was so preoccupied with trying to “save” the investment.   I then stopped “working” the property.  I mentally let it go and focused on my other properties, which I had neglected because I had been compulsively seeking a solution to a problem that was not ready to be solved.  In other words, I gave up control—although I didn’t think about it in those terms at the time.

A short time later a solution emerged that I never could have foreseen.  Two of my passive partners met with the seller of the building (who was also our lender) and negotiated a sale of the building back to him at a price that recouped half our investment.   My decision to back off turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made.   By putting my time and effort into my other properties, their collective value appreciated so much within a couple of years that it made up for the loss on the flagship property many times over.

After that I began letting go of more and more control at work.   I stopped forcing issues and pressing for solutions.   In that manner, I allowed the work “currents” to flow more naturally, and I was able to engage those currents in an intuitive manner.  What evolved was a highly efficient way of doing business in which I made fewer mistakes, had fewer diversions and had much less stress and anxiety.    I eventually cut my work time by half and made more money.

I thus had much more time and energy to explore life’s possibilities.   I became a fine artist (after never being able to draw as a child), a published poet, a seniors’ tennis champion and an author of a book about the benefits of losing control.

Letting Go of Control Helps You Find Freedom and Contentment

Work life and intimate relations are not the only life arenas in which not resisting life’s natural currents bestows remarkable rewards.   In a similar manner, letting go of control expands your creative horizons,  strengthens friendships and improves athletic and other types of performance.    As it does, you will have the time and energy—and desire—to pursue your passions, and you will no longer feel stressed out and overwhelmed.

Because control is such a deeply ingrained pattern in most of us, releasing control can be very difficult, particularly in important life issues and challenges.   For that reason, I recommend that you start by gradually giving up control in “low stake” areas of your life so that you can get comfortable with the process.   As you begin experiencing the benefits of the process, you will gain the confidence to lose control in more vital areas of your life.   And as you move forward, you will find greater freedom and contentment in your life.”

I hope you enjoyed the  article.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Resonates with People

| April 24, 2011

I am very pleased that the central theme of my book (Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go) about the importance (and benefits) of letting go of  excessive control in our lives is resonating with so many people. The book has received very positive reviews (see below) and my many interviews on diverse local, regional, and national radio stations have been lively, educational and at times provocative.   It is clear to me that more and more people are recognizing how excessive control–the kind which is primarily triggered by our “unwanted” feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, anxiety, insecurity and the like–significantly harms our lives and those of others.

Book Reviews

I am proud to share some of the book reviews.

The very popular blog Positively Present featured an extensive review in March.  Here is an edited portion of the review:

“Though I wasn’t sure what I would get out of the book initially, what I found was invaluable information on: how to reduce the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment; how to make work less stressful and more profitable; how to find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy; and how to lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication. All of these topics were things I hadn’t really considered in relation to control, but reading Miller’s words really helped me to understand the many ways control plays a part in my life.

Miller offers excellent tips for how to remain aware of our own emotions and feelings. His advice — which I took immediately and started putting into practice in my own life — really does work. Small, simple acts can impact the way you are aware of how you are feeling and Miller’s work has served as a great reminder to me of how important it is to stay focused on what you are experiencing personally in order to control the need to control.

There are a lot of great books out there on self-help and I’m sure many are focused on this very same topic, but the guidance offered by Miller is this book is something I’d recommend to anyone struggling with control issues in his or her life. Even if it’s not you personally struggling with control, a lot can be learned from reading about what it’s like to have issues with control — and how you can help yourself and others cope with these issues.”

The Monthly Aspectarian new age newspaper published the following review in its April edition:

“At work they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less than perfection from their coworkers. At home they obsess over finding the “right” person. Then they criticize their lover or spouse for doing everything wrong. As parents they practice zero tolerance for their children’s preferred study practices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views.

Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type: micromanagers, nitpickers, domestic despots. Yet most of us fail to recognize the signs of the compulsion to control in ourselves—or realize the toll of this behavior takes on career, family, friendships, and our own happiness. Losing Control, Finding Serenity pinpoints the dangers of excessive control, which goes far beyond setting limits and standards, in all aspects of life. It shows those of us who feel the pressure to control how to break free and reap unexpected gifts.

Sharing his journey of transformation from up-tight control driven attorney to life-loving person who works less and earns more, Daniel Miller reveals what happened when he finally decided to “surrender”: his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, and he experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace. Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged control freaks, he guides us through an honest inventory of our control patterns, leading us to discover this compulsion is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxiety, and insecurity, then aggravated by anger and resentments.

In a chaotic, unpredictable world that’s frequently beyond our control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validation for going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, ever changing mystery.”

The New Age Retailer, the leading trade magazine for mind, body, and spirit retailers and book stores, published the following review in its just released May edition:

“This is a book about finding balance between control and surrender. It grew out of the author’s personal struggle to manage his life for maximum productivity and profit. As the glittering world he so doggedly built began to collapse around him, he looked for answers and found them in the places where he least expected to. Now he’s passing on the techniques he used to successfully rebuild his career and his life on a firmer, less controlled foundation. Down-to-earth and honest, the book is full of psychological and spiritual insight. It is also full of real world solutions for reconnecting with the natural flow of life and with our personal truth.  This book will be terrific for twelve-steppers who are just beginning to work with the program.”

The Impact of Control on Our Lives

I am thus encouraged and motivated to continue writing  about the impact of control on our lives and how we can let it go and enjoy the remarkable and unexpected gifts that come our way when  you do.  I again invite you to join the discourse by letting me know about your own “control” experiences at the Comment portion of this blog.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Does Surrender Have to Be Total or Faith Based to Be Effective?

| February 22, 2011

In his recent post in the Huffington Times, “God, Life and Spiritual Practice of Surrendering ‘Complete’ Control”, Rabbi Will Berkowitz puts a faith based/religious slant on the practice of letting go of control.   He advocates what he calls cultivating a total and “ferocious surrender.”  Perhaps it is just his choice of words, but I nevertheless felt compelled to post a comment voicing my view on the subject:

“I agree with much of what the Rabbi says, but I dislike his use of the words “ferocious surrender.” To me the key is finding the balance between control and surrender that works for us, and I have found that even partially letting go of control can be very beneficial. It doesn’t have to be a total surrender. Once we gain confidence and begin to experience the benefits of the process, it becomes easier for us to give up more and more control.

I also view the process as more of a spiritual rather than a religious one. When we are able to let go of control, it frees life’s natural currents and we are better able to engage those currents in an intuitive and expansive manner, whether in love, parenting, friendships, creative endeavors, or work. Our strong need to control obscures our vision, and we fail to see options and make choices that would significantly improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially.”

Need Surrender be Faith Based?

Letting go of control or surrendering clearly can be faith or religious based. However, advocating the benefits of surrender on that basis limits its appeal and value to many people.   Non-believers or doubters will likely take objection, as some did to the Rabbi’s post, and thus not sufficiently consider the underlying merits of letting go of control.

Surrender needs not be faith based to be effective.  It can also be reality based or accepting life as it is. Once we recognize that there are many things in our lives that we cannot control, or over which we are powerless, it simply makes sense not to devote our time and energy to fruitlessly trying to control or change them.

Need Surrender be Total?

In my experience, we don’t have to “totally” surrender things in order to enjoy the rewards of giving up control.  Even small steps help.   If total or ferocious surrender is the prerequisite, many, if not most, people will be reluctant to try releasing control. Control is such a deeply ingrained pattern in most of us that it is unrealistic to assume that you can switch from control to no control in one fell swoop.   That’s why in Losing Control, Finding Serenity I encourage readers to start gradually in giving up control in “low stake” areas of their lives so that they can get comfortable with the process. You can then up the ante as you go forward.

Thus, I recommend that you start by taking small steps in letting go of control or surrendering.  If you decide to try, please let me know how it goes!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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