Three Key Ways Letting Go of Control Improves Your Life

| April 11, 2017

Freedom people living a free, happy, carefree life at beach. Silhouettes of a couple at sunset arms raised up showing happiness and a healthy lifestyle against a colorful sky of clouds background.

When we control excessively we are attempting to alter life’s moving currents and rhythm. When we do this, we are unable to see options and make choices that would significantly our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially. We become imprisoned by our fears, anger, and resentment and are thus not open to the wonders that await us.

When we let go of control our blinders are removed and we can begin to enjoy life’s possibilities. Intimate relations become more intimate. Family bonds strengthen. Creative horizons expand. Work becomes more productive and enjoyable. Moreover, when we stop trying to control others, the focus changes from others to ourselves. We can then work on improving our own shortcomings and enhancing our skills and talents.

Let me explain three key ways the decontrol process can improve your life.

Letting go of control strengthens the bond with your children

Excessive parental control often drives a wedge between parents and their children. There is no question that parental control or authority is essential not only for a child’s health and safety but also for fostering a child’s morals, family values, social manners, and learning.

However, many of us overdo it. We become domineering because of our fears, egos, anxieties, and insecurities. Consequently, we overmanage our children’s lives and deprive them of opportunities to learn and gain the wisdom from their mistakes. Excessive parental control also leads to resistance and even rebellion.

As a major controller I always offered unsolicited advice to my son Brandon. Why? Because I felt I knew what was best for him and I wanted him to see the light. (It’s no secret that controllers are short on humility!) However, as a teenager, he was very dismissive of my many “suggestions”. That of course raised my ire. How could my sage advice be “put down” so quickly? But the far more serious problem for me was that it severely damaged our communications and bond.

Later, after l had learned the value of letting go of control, I stopped offering Brandon advice, or even making suggestions. This certainly was not easy because the need to control can be very powerful—particularly in parenting where our fears are so powerful.

What ensued was highly unexpected and enlightening. Brandon actually began asking me for advice about challenging issues he faced. I was of course thrilled to help out. I felt more a part of his life. It was thus through giving up control that I was able to reconnect with my son in a very special way.

Letting go of control fosters intimacy

Intimate relations are fertile grounds for controlling actions. Love control runs the gamut from unsolicited advice and opinions to criticism and unreasonable demands. These actions invariably breed resentment from our mates. After all, who likes being told how to be and act—particularly in matters of the heart?

A case in point is Nancy, who was forever “recommending” to her boyfriends things they should do to better their lives. Moreover, she constantly repeated them because she was one of those controllers who believed offering advice more than once would increase the chances of it being followed. Although her intentions may have been good, her messages were poorly received—and rarely followed. Indeed, for most of her beaus it was a “turn off”.

Nancy thus never really achieved the intimacy she strived so hard for. She didn’t realize that true intimacy can only come if we accept our loved ones for whom and how they are, rather than trying to change them. This allows the love currents to unfold naturally so that people can just relax and be themselves—and offer their love and kindness without pressure or expectations.

Letting go of control expands your creative horizons

Another area where letting go of control bestows gifts is in our creative endeavors. Creativity flourishes when we open up, whereas control closes us down by restricting freedom of thought and process. Examples of creative control actions are pressing too hard for completion, overthinking and overanalyzing creative works, and setting overly high expectations.

Another obstructive control action is when we are bent on strictly following “rules” or “principles”. When I first began painting, I had only two short lessons from master artist, Paul Eventoff. To my surprise, in less than a year I was turning out paintings that brought unexpected accolades. I was of course very excited and craved to learn more, particularly about landscape painting, so I took a weeklong plein air workshop in Vermont. I had a new instructor each day who propounded his personal painting “principles”. When I returned home after the workshop, I tried to incorporate all these principles in my paintings. The results were catastrophic. In very short order, I had lost my unique style and way of painting. I was really discouraged.

Six months later I expressed my concerns to Paul and he shared with me the parting advice that the dean of the Maryland Institute of Art had given his class’s graduating students: “Now forget everything you learned and just go paint!” That was exactly what I needed to hear. To me that meant just let go and enjoy the process. I resumed painting without any expectations and went with what felt right and natural to me, incorporating my new knowledge selectively and intuitively. Within a few months my painting took on a new maturity.

It is thus through letting go of control in our creative endeavors that our natural and unique creativity can shine through, often resulting in original works of lasting beauty.

Accept this challenge!

I challenge you to do the following for the next week:

With respect to your children, listen attentively to them without offering advice. Recognize that they are different from you in the way they think and process things, and accept that your way may not be the right way—for them.

With respect to your creavtive endeavors, focus on just enjoying the process. Don’t plan or think too much about the outcome. Don’t fret about making “mistakes”. Start a piece with the intention of not completing it and see what unfolds.

In your love relationships, lower your expectations of your mates—and of yourself. Focus on what steps you can take to improve your love bond.

Even if you are only partially successful in doing these things, you will begin to discover that letting go of control brings you freedom and contentment!

In the meantime,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*As featured in popular blog, Advanced Life Skills

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Let Go of Control to Gain Control of Your Children

| April 10, 2017

Many parents are frustrated and distressed because they feel they have lost control over their children.  Things have just gotten too out of hand–for some, alarmingly so.  The natural inclination for such parents is to become more controlling in their efforts to contain the damage.    Hence, they typically become more demanding, resistant, punishing and close-minded in interactions with their children.

To these parents I would offer what at first may seem blasphemous advice: Stop trying to control your children’s lives!   That’s right; give up some control if you want to regain some control.  It’s very likely that being too domineering is what caused the fracture in the first place.

The Need for Parental Control

There is no question that parental control is an integral part of parenting.  Appropriate forms of parental control or authority are essential not only for a child’s health and safety but also for fostering a child’s morals, family values, social manners and etiquette, and learning.  Indeed, such parental authority is fundamental to healthy parent-child relations, and parents would be irresponsible were they not to exercise it.

Domineering Parental Control

However, many of us overdo it.  Parental authority needs to be distinguished from domineering or excessive forms of control that are primarily triggered by a parent’s fears, egos, anxieties, and insecurities.   Examples are when a parent insists that his or her way is the best or only way, decides important issues for the child without listening or allowing the child’s input, and presses a child to do things because of the parent’s ego or social concerns.    If you think about it from a child’s perspective, the parent inherently has the upper hand.  What a parent says usually goes.    This vast control inequality can easily promote resistance and discord if the child feels he or she must constantly give in and has little or no say in decisions that impact his or her life.    That’s why domineering forms of control frequently lead to resentment, rebellion, and “out of control” children.  And parents can’t get them back by determinedly continuing the same control measures, as parental fears propel many to do.

Losing Control to Gain Control

Consider giving up some control to gain meaningful control over your children. For starters, try to listen to their concerns without offering advice or opinions, and certainly not criticisms.   Most often, children want to express or vent their concerns, not receive advice.    Such attentive listening is a powerful healing tool that promotes trust between parents and their children.   It allows the child to express his or her concerns without keeping them concealed within. Remember, too, that what worked for us may not work well for them.  Our children are not as much like us as we think.   Every child is unique with his or her own nature, talents and personal journey.

Also allow your children to participate in the decision making process, even though you retain final say.    In return, the child will usually be more willing to accept greater responsibility.   I like to give the example (true in my case) of allowing your child to choose from three different bed times, knowing that you want lights out by a certain time, say no later than 9:35 pm.  You thus tell her that she can choose which time she wants lights out:  9:20, 9:30, or 9:35.   She will of course choose 9:35.  However, because she feels she made the decision herself, she will much more likely abide by it.

The ultimate goal is to establish a “family democracy” based on open communications, honesty, trust, and the safety to express contrarian views.     This significantly reduces insolence and rebellion for the simple reason there is much less to rebel against.

Processing Parental Fears

Most often excessive parental control is caused by parental fears that have not been processed.   Indeed, few fears are stronger than the fears and apprehension we have regarding our children.  Consequently, the better we can process and defuse our parental fears, the more easily and fully we will be able to relinquish control.   I write extensively about this challenging task in Losing Control, Finding Serenity.   One important aspect is the ability to separate the real facts from the “nightmares” our emotions script for our children.     For example, ask yourself how important is this issue?  What is really at stake?  Is it a crisis or just a minor aggravation?  More often than not so called “crises” resolve themselves with the simple passage of time—as long as we don’t intervene.

Regaining Some Control of Your Child

Consequently, even if the relationship with your child has been estranged or feels lost, it still behooves you to start letting go of control.    Give some of the methods I have suggested above a try.    It is through the willingness to lose some control over our children, that we can reduce the struggle with our children and better keep them in the “fold.”

In the meantime,

Let Go of Control–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Benefits of Accepting Your Child’s Path

| October 23, 2013

Many parents pressure their children to follow the same paths they followed, or ones that they believe are “best” for them, particularly with regard to education and vocation decisions, religious choices, and cultural and social activities.   These parents are typically very controlling and have high expectations of their children, and consequently usually do not accept their children’s personal wishes and desires. (For other defining traits, please see my post, “Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?”)

Such parental non-acceptance has several major shortcomings.   One is that it leads to conflict and resentment by both parent and child, and resulting damage to their relationship.  It also deprives children of the ability to explore, expand, and spread their wings, and gain the self-confidence and self-reliance that come with that. (For other harms, please see my post, “Over Controlling Parents–Harm Now Confirmed.”)

Conversely, when parents are more accepting of  their children’s choices and desires, unexpected and remarkable gifts often follow.   To illustrate this, let me share with you the interesting story of Eda and Katarina.

Eda Pressures Katarina to Be in Latvian Scouts

Eda had fond memories of participating in Latvian girl scouts while growing up in Cleveland.  She always looked forward to the two-week summer sleep away camps in the peaceful forests of Wisconsin, where she learned practical survival skills and Latvian cultural traditions and folk songs.

When her daughter Katarina was born, Eda eagerly awaited the time when she could also participate in Latvian scouts.  Eda had high expectations that Katarina would enjoy, and gain as much from, scouts as she had.  And in the beginning, Katarina did, when at ages six through nine she attended weekend summer mini-camps with her mother.  However, as Katarina entered adolescence and began attending longer 10-day camps without her mother, she felt out of place and excluded by the other girls.  Some even made prejudicial remarks about her different religious upbringing.

Katarina thus voiced resistance to continuing in scouts.  Eda strongly encouraged Katarina to continue, promising things would get better.  Katarina gave in and agreed to attend camp the following summer, but when things were no better, she became very adamant about not continuing in scouts.   The two argued a lot whenever the subject was raised, harming their close bond.

Eda Finally Accepts Katarina’s Wishes

After conferring with several close friends, Eda realized that her desires were unfair to impose on her daughter.  Eda thus came to accept that it was important to honor her daughter’s wishes.   Eda consequently told Katarina that she no longer had to continue in scouts, and apologized for pressuring her so much over the past few years.   Simply put, short, Eda “released” Katarina to follow her own path.

Unexpected Rewards Followed

Katarina’s path took a curious, unexpected turn.   One day about six months later, to her mother’s surprise, Katarina announced that she wanted to rejoin scouts and attend the upcoming summer’s camp.   Over the next three years, Katarina actively participated in scouts, earning successive achievement awards (colored scarves) given by camp elders only after campers passed stringent tests.    She was also selected to be on the scout leadership board that planned and supervised activities for the younger campers.

And what would have been scarcely predictable, Katarina become close friends with some of the very campers that had previously shunned her.

Thus, by accepting her daughter’s personal desires and allowing her to choose her own path, Eda was bestowed with the very blessings she had always wanted.

The Gifts of Acceptance

True acceptance frees others to be more fully themselves, without pressure or judgment, and thereby make the choices and follow the paths that are invariably best for them. (For other benefits see my post “Five Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are”)

In that sense, acceptance is a true expression of our love and kindness.

Do you accept your children’s life paths?   Was it difficult to do?  What helped?   Have you experienced any gifts of acceptance?   Please share your story with me and others.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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When Parents Fail to Surrender Control at School

| August 5, 2012

School and education is particularly rife with parental control, whether it’s parents choosing their children’s classes, offering too much advice or help with homework, or constantly “coming to the rescue.”

I have previously shared my strong belief that when parents micromanage their children’s lives, they impede their children’s personal growth, independence, and self-reliance. (See “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Often overlooked, however, is that controlling parents are impacted as well.

Parental stress and anxiety during the transition from high school to college is a prime example.

College Transition Problems for Parents

Challenging college adaptation issues frequently arise for over-controlling parents.    Now required to let go of considerable control, parents become anxious and fearful as they struggle to do so.   And because they were previously so preoccupied with their children’s lives, they typically experience a larger and more difficult “void” than other parents.

An enlightening article in the July 25 Personal Journal section of the Wall Street Journal entitled “At Freshman Orientation, Helping Mom and Dad Let Go,” pinpoints common transition problems for parents and what colleges are doing to help.

One university administrator calls today’s parents “the most over-involved generation of all time.”

The article reports that 90% of colleges now hold special orientation seminars for parents struggling with the transition that include teaching parents how to stay involved without being “helicopter parents.”

“Our job is to take the gas out of the helicopter, so that by the time their children become seniors, that helicopter is grounded, and students can take care of themselves,” says the executive director of parent services at George Washington University.

And as to be expected, incoming students of over controlling parents also struggle.  They frequently aren’t equipped to handle basic living and school tasks and decisions.   The article quotes one freshman as saying, “I’ve never done laundry in my life….I can’t cook, either.  I can make a grilled cheese, and that’s about it.”

Tips for Surrendering School Control and Easing the Transition to College

The transition to college will be much easier if parents start surrendering school control sooner.

It’s not too late to begin even in high school.   I prescribe effective parental decontrol tools in Losing Control, Finding Serenity (chapter entitled “Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle”), but for now here are four ways that will help you start losing some parental school control now:

*Address your fears about their education.   Parents are too often pre-occupied by “what ifs” and “what might happens” related to school, and lose an objective sense of the reality about educational issues.   (i.e., That Johnny might fail to get into a good college if he receives a B- on his algebra final.)  If you address and process your school fears, you will not feel the need to control nearly as much. (See, “2 keys of letting go of fear.”)

*Remove your ego, personal motives, and social status from the equation.  Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about your children becoming more independent and self-reliant in preparing for the challenges of college.  The less concerned you are about your own issues, the less controlling you will be.

*Allow your children the “opportunity” to make mistakes and exercise poor judgment in their schooling.   Having to face the consequences of turning in homework late, not properly studying for an important exam, or forgetting to bring books and papers to class (and such) encourages them to be more responsible and prepares them better for college.

*Practice “Due Process” Parenting. Give your children their “due.” The simple truth is that we parents are not always right—maybe not even most of the time! What may have been right or good for us may not be so for our children.  It is important for us to acknowledge the innate differences between ourselves and our children, as well as the enormous challenges children face in our hectic, and at times chaotic world. We thus need to be open to re-examining our positions, as well as to listening attentively to the concerns expressed by our children.

I hope these parental decontrol tools help.   Please share with me what ways you have found helpful in learning to let go of unnecessary parental control.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Over Controlling Parents–Harm Now Confirmed

| February 21, 2012

 

New research from the University of New Hampshire confirms that authoritarian parents whose child-rearing style is summed up as “it’s my way or the highway” are more likely to raise disrespectful, delinquent children who do not see them as legitimate authority figures than parents who listen to their children and gain their respect and trust.

This is the first study to look at whether parenting styles influence adolescents’ beliefs about the legitimacy of parent authority and if those perceptions affect delinquent behavior.

The study’s findings are not surprising. I have previously shared my views about how over controlling parents hinder the personal growth, self-reliance and independence of their children. (See “Parent Problems for Type A Personalities“)

When parents are willing to listen to their children’s views and concerns and engage in open-minded dialogue, it instills mutual trust and respect.

The parental decision or rules may remain the same, but the fact that it was reached in a more democratic manner increases the likelihood of it being honored. Rick Trinker, the lead researcher of the New Hampshire Study, states that “When children consider their parents to be legitimate authority figures….the child is more likely to follow the rules when the parent is not physically present.”

I call this “due process” parenting.

The simple truth is that we parents are not always right! And what may have been right or good for us may not be so for our children. It is important for us to acknowledge the innate differences between ourselves and our children, as well as the enormous challenges children face in our hectic, and at times chaotic world. We thus need to be open to re-examining our positions.

In short, it is important that parents be humble!

I am by no means recommending permissive parenting where few rules or boundaries are set, but simply that strong parental control should be used in moderation and primarily where the health, safety, and well being (socially, morally, and spiritually) of our children are at stake. I address this important issue in “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Control”, where I offer guidelines for distinguishing between exercising responsible parental authority and excessive parental control.

Hopefully, the New Hampshire study will encourage authoritarian parents, including “Tiger Moms,” to ease up some.

Please share with me your beliefs, insights and experiences (good and bad) about parental control.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?

| December 26, 2011

 

The December 24 Books section of the Wall Street Journal features an article by Amy Chua, aka Tiger Mom, in which Ms. Chua attempts to justify her domineering parenting techniques as she continues to back peddle from the widespread criticism and anger that her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has provoked.

In the article Mrs. Chua makes undocumented and seemingly inaccurate assertions in support of her parenting methods, which is surprising coming from a law professor at Yale, one of this country’s most esteemed law schools.

Indeed, one may reasonably question whether this controlling Tiger Mom is a bit “out of control” herself.

Take, for example, her following assertion:

“Tiger parenting is all about raising independent, creative, courageous kids.   In America today, there’s a dangerous tendency to romanticize creativity in a way that may undermine it.  Take, for example, all the people who point to Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and conclude that the secret to innovation is dropping out of college.  In fact, both men exemplify extraordinary hard work and drive and resilience in the face of failure—exactly the qualities that tiger parenting seeks to promote.” (my emphasis.)

Is not the implication here that these important qualities were instilled in Steve Job and Mark Zuckerberg through tiger parenting?

Sorry, Ms. Chua, but Steve and Mark were not raised by tiger parents.

In a radio interview earlier this year, Dr. Edward Zuckerberg (Mark’s dad), shared his parenting beliefs as follows:

“Probably the best thing I can say is something that my wife and I have always believed in. Rather than impose upon your kids or try and steer their lives in a certain direction, to recognize what their strengths are and support their strengths and support the development of the things they’re passionate about.”

Further, in responding to a question about Ms. Chua’s book, Dr. Zuckerberg remarked, “I think that extremes in any form in parenting are not good.  Children need to be well rounded.   There’s a place for work and a place for play.”

(Less is known about the parenting style of Steve Job’s now deceased adopted parents, but there is no indication that they were domineering parents.   To the contrary, a neighbor referred to Job’s dad as being very supportive of him and that Jobs did pretty much what he wanted to do as a child.

Do these sound like the words of a tiger parent?

Other assertions in the article are equally questionable.   Ms. Chua states (again without citing any supporting studies or evidence) that,  “I’ve found that tiger cubs raised in America have really high emotional intelligence.  For one thing, they’ve spent their whole lives maneuvering around their crazy, strict parents.”

If this is what it takes to develop high emotional intelligence in children, let us pray for them.

But wait.  There’s more.   Ms. Chua confides that what “drives me the craziest may be the charge that tiger parenting produces robots and automatons,” just after telling us that we are missing the key point to tiger parenting:

“It’s only about very early child-rearing, and it’s most effective when your kids are between the ages of, say, 5 and 12.   When practiced correctly, tiger parenting can produce kids who are more daring and self-reliant—not less.”

I see, so if we hammer it in during our children’s informative years, we will produce creative and self-reliant children that can then go on their merry way.    Ms. Chua, I for one, am glad that Dr. Zuckerberg took a supportive, balanced approach in raising his son and from what we know, Mr. Jobs did the same with his son.

Tiger Parents need to lose some control.

I have expressed in both Losing Control, Finding Serenity and this blog the importance of finding the right balance between control and surrender in vital aspects of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

In fact, for me this is the Fundamental Parental Challenge we face today: namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.  (For some guidelines on how to meet this difficult challenge, see my post, “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Tiger parenting is synonymous with domineering parenting, no matter how you may wish to justify or defend it.  I believe it is an extreme, unnuanced form of parenting that seriously risks harming our children’s full and healthy development, denying them their passions, and impeding independent, original thinking—the very type of thinking that made Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg visionaries.

Indeed, we would have fewer Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerbergs in our world, were tiger parenting to become widely accepted and followed.

I issue the following challenge to Tiger Parents:

Try—just try—giving up a little control in raising your children.  Allow them to choose and have more say about when and how they study and the activities they like; to stay up late sometimes; to be silly and playful; and, to follow their healthy passions even though it’s not what you want for them.

You just might be surprised if you do.   You might have well-rounded, creative, joyous,  self-achievers running around your household!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Parenting Problems for Type A Personalities

| October 19, 2011

Today’s edition of the Personal Journal section of the Wall Street Journal features an interesting article by Sue Shellenbarger entitled “Ambitious Parents, Mellow Children,” that discusses the parenting struggles of Type A parents who are raising Type B children.

It raises the important issue of what I have called the “Fundamental Parental Challenge”; namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning, WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.

This challenge is even more daunting for Type A personalities whose very nature is to be controlling!

 

The article rightfully reports that significant problems arise when “drive trumps compassion” and Type A parents push their children too hard, criticizing them when they are already doing their best or piling on unreasonable demands.

I have also found that when we overmanage our children’s lives, it deprives them of the valuable learning experiences and wisdom that come with making mistakes, as well as the self-reliance, confidence, and independence that would serve them well as adults.  (I examine these and other problems and how to avoid them in the chapter of my book entitled “Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle.”)

Encouragingly, the article also reports that some Type A parents are seeing the wisdom of allowing their children to follow their own paths.  They understand that their children are different from them in many ways and are honoring the differences.   One such mother, Christie Krase, is at peace with the vast differences between her and her 14 year old son, Jackson.  She says, “I’m accepting that there are different versions of success,” and hopes her son will “do whatever inspires him.”

Similarly, as a former parental controller myself, I now try to follow my daughter Lana’s sound advice to parents at her 6th grade graduation ceremony whenever I can:

“Parents.  If you teach us only to be like you, then how do you expect us to live in the future?  Right now, we are figuring out who we are, and who we will become.  All you can do is give us love and support.  Believe in us, and we’ll make the right choices in life.”

Thus far, Lana has been making wise choices for herself, for which I am very blessed and grateful.

Please share with me your beliefs, insights and experiences (good and bad) about parental control.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control

| November 23, 2010

 

Parenting is rife with excessive control actions.  Our fears and anxieties about our children’s welfare cloud our perspective about what’s really at stake in most aspects of their lives.    As a result, we pressure, we threaten, and we hover over them.   We dominate when we should be supporting and guiding.  We advise when we should be listening.  We criticize when we should be accepting of their differences.

The Fundamental Parental Challenge

The fundamental parental challenge we face is being able to fulfill our responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their morals, family values, and ethics, and encouraging learning, WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.   The repercussions for failing to meet this challenge can be severe, including the loss of trust, strong resentment, and a total break down in communications.

Parents must face this challenge every day—and at times it feels like every moment!   It is always there.   The line between the two is frequently not clear, and often murky.   Consider, for example:  When does giving too much to our children really take away from them?   When does doing too much for them become enabling?    When is the issue really about “us”, and not  “them?”

In short, at what point are we controlling our children too much?

Some Useful Guidelines

I have learned some useful guidelines in the form of inquiries that can assist us in determining whether we are crossing the line to over-management of our children’s lives.    I discuss these and others in more detail in my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity, but for now let me touch upon a few important ones.

  1. What are my motives?  Are my actions primarily motivated by my own unfilled desires, social standing, or outsiders’ views of my parenting?  If so, we are very likely over-managing.
  2. Is my way necessarily the only way? Or the right way?  What has worked well for us in our lives does not mean that it will serve our children well.
  3. Am I depriving my child of learning from his or her mistakes or of gaining other important learning experiences?
  4. Am I acting out of unfounded fears?   What’s really at stake?  How important is it? Our unprocessed fears frequently compel us to control excessively in all areas of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

Kahil Gibran Had it Right

Kahil Gibran offers invaluable insight for addressing the challenge with these wise words from The Prophet:

“Your children are not your children…

they come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet

they belong not to you…

You may give them your love but not your thoughts…

For they have their own thoughts…

Seek not to make them like you.”

My Daughter Has it Right As Well

During her sixth grade graduation ceremony my daughter, Lana, after quoting from the Prophet, cautioned attending parents about being too controlling with these words of her own:

“Parents.  If you teach us only to be like you, then how do you expect us to live in the future?   Right now, we are figuring out who we are, and who we will become.  All you can do is give us love and support.  Believe in us, and we’ll make the right choices in life. “

It is Thine Path, Not Mine

I was very proud and moved by Lana’s profound statement.   We need to recognize that each child has his or her own life journey or path and it is primarily up to him or her to try to fulfill it.   The more we interfere with that path by over managing their lives—no matter how well intended or how strongly we feel we are right—the greater the risk of obstructing and even thwarting it.

In the meantime,remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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