Expand Your Life Options by Letting Go of Control

 

 

A major benefit of letting go of control is that it expands your life options.  The very intensity and obsessiveness of our controlling actions obscure our vision, and we literally are unable to see the opportunities that are right before us.

This dynamic is like the “farsightedness” that results when we intensely search for something we have misplaced.  How many times have you searched relentlessly for your keys or cell phone, but to no avail?   And then when you finally stop looking for them, you quickly spot them, right there in front of you.

My Obsessive Search Bore No Fruit

After acquiring a beautiful dining room set three years ago, I was set upon finding a vintage art deco light fixture to complement it. I became obsessed with finding the right fixture.   I had a clear vision of the type of fixture I wanted and nothing else would do.  For two years, I unsuccessfully scoured Los Angeles lighting stores.  I repeatedly visited one store in particular—Liz’s Hardware—known for its vintage light fixtures.  I had high hopes that the right fixture might eventually appear.  Nothing did. I finally gave up.

After I stopped Searching, “Fruition” Came

A few months later, my wife and I were enjoying a Saturday afternoon together.  She asked if I wanted to see if anything new had come in at Liz’s.  To her surprise, I said “No, I’ve given up searching for the piece.”  Unbelievably, less than thirty minutes later we passed a store with an unusual store front.  From the outside, the only thing you could see were two old fashioned cameras on tripods pointing at white partitions.  I was intrigued, turned around and parked.

As we entered the store, an unusual, very eclectic potpourri of art and furniture greeted us on all sides.  The store felt otherworldly.  Stepping into a back room, we glanced up and saw unusual metal sculpture pieces attached to twisted iron cords that hung down from the high ceiling—to which were randomly attached glowing lights shaped like ostrich eggs.  Indeed, the store manager informed us that some of the fixtures were ostrich eggs that had been pierced so the light could shine through.

We immediately placed an order for a fixture; it now graces our dining room with its inviting light.

I would never have found this beautiful, functional art piece had I continued my high expectation, insistent, controlling ways.  It was only when I removed my expectations and stopped actively looking for what I thought I needed that the currents were “released” and brought opportunity into my life.  The results were even better than I’d expected.  The piece is not only totally different than what I was so set on finding, but it is also well beyond any beauty that I could have imagined possible.

Removing the Blinders

I know from repeated experience in all areas of my life that when I lose control, my blinders are removed, my vision vastly expands, and I become more aware of the wonders that are around me.

Whether at work or at home, and whether in art or in performance, you will benefit immensely from the options and unexpected opportunities that arise when you are willing to step back and allow the “currents” to flow naturally.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny Miller

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How to Let Go and Lose Control: An Introduction to the DeControl Yourself Blog

Daniel A Miller author

As I have begun sharing and speaking about the benefits of giving up control, it has been especially rewarding that my message has resonated so strongly with people.  I have found that so many people are ready to let go.  Quite simply, they recognize that their controlling methods and devices haven’t served them well, particularly in our increasingly complex world.

The goal of this “Decontrol Yourself” blog is to expand that message to others by creating what I hope will become a participatory forum and discourse about the many facets of the control dynamic.  In particular, this blog will:

a) Examine the harms of excessive control in vital life arenas—particularly parenting and family, intimate relations, friendships, the work place, and creative endeavors;

b) Offer effective tools and techniques for reducing the need and compulsion to control; in other words, teach you how to lose control;

c) Share the unexpected and often remarkable personal and professional rewards that occur when we are able and willing to lose some control.

Are You a Controller?

The type of control that we will address on the Decontrol Yourself blog is excessive or domineering control.  This “Are You a Controller?” quiz will help you determine if you suffer from this type of control issue.

Generally speaking, the need to control people and situations most often comes from our unwanted and unprocessed feelings (or “Personal Truths”) such as fear, worry, anxiety, anger and resentment, insecurity, rejection, and the like.

On this blog, I will try to be as specific as I can be in addressing important control issues and in recommending strategies that will diminish the urge to control.  As part of this process, I will share my own personal experiences with the powerful control dynamic, as well the stories of others I know and have counseled.

In this first post, however, I wish to share my core beliefs as they impact control.

Core Beliefs

The first is that life is in a constant state of motion: fluid, shifting, changing directions, ebbing and flowing, and always moving.  As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—yet that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.

Imagine you’re trying to hold on to a rapidly moving conveyor built.  You may slow it down momentarily, but you would either get burned or dragged along in the process.  These “rope burns” are the side effect of trying to slow down or manipulate life, and I will explore them (and how to avoid them) in future posts.

Secondly, we cannot change or control others in any meaningful way.  All the effort and energy we expend in trying to do so, whether by reasoning, pleading, hoping, threatening, cajoling, or other controlling means, is for naught and at great cost to our own personal development and serenity.  Others can and will change, if and when they choose.

Lastly, I believe that within the natural flow or energy force of life, lie innate wisdom and the potential for inner peace, and the solutions to many of our most challenging issues. I have learned that the more I am able to live my life in accordance with the currents of this rhythm, the more peace and serenity I am blessed to have.

I have also learned many times over that the key to living in this flow is my being willing and able to relinquish control.  Releasing control frees the currents and offers us the opportunity to glide intuitively, creatively, and spiritually within them.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

Thank you for your visit today.  I encourage you to subscribe to my RSS feed or sign up to receive my posts by email.  Future posts on the Decontrol Yourself blog will explore effective tools and strategies for letting go of control.  I’ll also share the many benefits that you will enjoy when you do.

Take it Easy,

Danny Miller
Author, Losing Control, Finding Serenity:  How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go