inner peace Archives - Daniel Miller

Overcoming “Lulls” and “Lows” in The Time of Coronavirus

Daniel A. Miller | May 11, 2020

(5^th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“)

I don’t know about you, but its easy for me to fall into a “lull” and “low” during The Time of Coronavirus.

Every day seems the same, yet I feel different almost every day.

Same in the sense I have a lot of time on my hands most days and am restricted in movement, engagement, and enjoyment of what I like to do, especially playing tennis.

Different because I don’t know how I will feel until I get out of bed and begin my day. Some days I feel calm, relaxed and productive. Others anxious and antsy. And unfortunately, a good night’s sleep isn’t necessarily a harbinger of positive thoughts, feelings, and energy.

And some days, like today, I feel a “lull” and “low”–and lethargic. My body didn’t feel right this morning. I wasn’t sure if I was coming down with something. Who Knows? Maybe even the dreaded Covid-19. Fear is at the forefront these days. (See my post, “Dealing with Fear in The Time of Coronavirus”)

You may relate to what I’m talking about. If so, I would like to share some simple things that helped me feel much better as the day progressed. I hope they will help you, as well.

I reached out to a friend to see how he was doing. That wasn’t easy for me because I really didn’t feel like speaking to anyone. But I knew from past experience that the best way for me to get out of my head’s “negative” thinking was to see how others are doing and lend a good ear. My friend greeted me warmly and we shared some insights and “what we were doings” during The Time of Coronavirus. We even had a few good laughs. The conversation lightened my spirits, and then,

I took a “nature walk” around my neighborhood. It’s wonderful springtime here in California. Why not enjoy “the beauty all around me.” The blooming roses and irises. The bright blue sky. And the cheerful music of birds. Have you noticed lately that the birds seem happier than ever? The doves even more peaceful? And the ground squirrels playfully scampering around?

Is it possible they know something that we don’t?

Or, maybe it’s that they know “less” than we do–and are happier because of it?

Whatever the reason, it was a real blessing to be able to share their space with them.

I’ve heard it said that we are only a guest of nature, and I welcomed the invitation.

I felt so much lighter, and then

I decided to write this post. I thought that others—maybe even you—have experienced similar lulls and lows during The Time of Coronavirus and my sharing today’s experiences might ease their discomfort.

Quite honestly, just that thought lifted my spirits considerably. And the actual writing—this very writing—helps me a lot.

I gain needed awareness, clarity—and acceptance.

I encourage you try these things when you feel a lull or low. (The writing part can be some basic journaling.) Please also share your experiences and ideas about dealing with lulls and lows in The Time of Coronavirus. It would be helpful to me and I know others.

(You can read my earlier post, “Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows” for some other suggestions on this subject.)

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

Daniel A. Miller | May 6, 2020

(4^th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more. High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before. Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient. I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself. I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.” After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst. Specifically, I expected that

It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.

That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.

She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation:

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus. (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves. (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus. My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

Emerson and the Correlationship Between Control and Contentment

Daniel A. Miller | February 1, 2019

As a prequel to the pages of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, I cited the following insightful words of Ralph Waldo Emerson from his essay, “Spiritual Laws,” published in 1841:

“There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life…then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

In recently reflecting upon Emerson’s words again, I thought about how peaceful and wonderful it is to be “in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom” that brings us “a perfect contentment”–even if for only a few moments at a time.

The Correlationship Between Control and Contentment

His words are such a poetic expression of the strong correlation—and dynamic–between letting go of control and living within the abode of power, wisdom, and contentment. My book’s title Losing Control, Finding Serenity is intended to reflect that correlationship.

Simply put, control obstructs the “stream” of life’s natural currents. You can’t flow when you control.

That’s why I write extensively in the book and in this blog about the catalysts and causes of our controlling actions and how we can overcome them.

The Correlationship Between Fear and Control

One major cause is worth examining again: Fear

Our fears about all the “what ifs” and “what might happens” cause us to hold on tightly, to “grip” life’s natural currents. As such, much like gripping a moving conveyor built, we either get “burned” or dragged along.

Fears are almost always illusory and don’t like being exposed for what they are–cowardly.

Thus, to overcome our fears, we must address and process them. We must move closer to them, confront them–and call their bluff! The following acronym for fear identifies one way to do that: Future Events Already Ruined. Hence,

Don’t make assumptions or speculate about the future negatively.

Instead, address what is real for you today and trust that you will be able to handle what tomorrow brings–tomorrow. In doing so, you will reduce your compulsion to control and thereby place yourself in the middle of the stream of power, wisdom, and contentment. And what a great place to be!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What is!” and,

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude

Daniel A. Miller | October 22, 2017

Gratitude is a common subject of many recovery books and articles.

Below is an article about gratitude I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”—Cicero

Being grateful or practicing gratitude has many benefits, including improving our health, relationships, careers, sleep, and self-esteem, to name just a few. In recent years, these benefits have been confirmed in scientific studies showing how the brain is “rewired” by continuous grateful thoughts. (see “The Grateful Brain”)

However, I recently discovered and experienced another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors’ championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January. I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play. I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches. Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try. Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

I was able to play without injuries.

I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club,

I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before. I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

Hmm, I’m now thinking there must be something to this “being grateful reduces-the nerves-and-calms-the-mind” thing. Next match: I played another (and seeded) player who also had soundly beat me the year before.

I again won in two sets.

I’m now in the semi-finals against the #1 seeded player, a former national champion. I’m not only grateful for this, but I have been playing at a whole new level and having the tennis time of my life.

I lost in two hard fought sets, but not because I was nervous or uptight. To the contrary, I played extremely well. I lost because I played a more highly skilled and experienced player who, incidentally, shared with me after the match that he was grateful that he could still play so well in his 70’s! (I think he was more grateful than me!)

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance probably applies equally to most life arenas. Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

I soon had the opportunity to prove this to myself again, but in an entirely different setting—a courtroom. In April, I was in traffic court for a trial to fight a ticket that I felt I had wrongly received. While waiting in court, I was nervous as heck as I repeatedly went over in my mind what I would say, what the officer would likely say, and how the judge might rule.

Then an amazing thing happened. I reminded myself to be grateful—yes grateful. Specifically, I was grateful that I had the opportunity to be heard and present my case—something I was clearly unable to do at the time the officer issued the citation. I was also grateful that I lived in a country where I could seek justice without a lot of constraints. With those thoughts, my nerves immediately subsided and I became very calm and grounded.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

I have no doubt that being grateful stimulates the brain’s neurons and in effect re-wires the brain to produce a more happier state of being. I believe, however, there are more basic reasons why gratitude bestows upon us a more calm and serene state of mind. For example, being grateful:

Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit. We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy.
Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake, including “how important is it?”
Reduces our anxiety creating fears.
Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me. For example, consider trying it when:

You have to give an important talk or presentation.
You have a job interview.
You have to take an important test.
You have to perform or go on stage.
You have writer’s block.
You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you. Were you calmer? Less tense? More grounded? What was the final outcome?

Visit this link for information about our recovery books.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

The Gift of Acceptance – Call For Submissions

Daniel A. Miller | March 30, 2016

Contribute Your Acceptance Story to my New Book and Receive $50 plus a Free Signed Copy!

Do you have a personal story about how you accepted someone as they are–annoying traits and all? A love one, boss, parents, or estranged sibling—even a nemesis? Or a story about how your accepting an adversity (a business failure, career setback, health issue, child’s wrongdoing, or other setback) allowed you to move forward with your life in a less stressful, more positive way?

I am currently writing another book, titled The Gift of Acceptance about the profound and often unexpected benefits that are bestowed upon us when we accept people and things as they are, or the “what is” in our lives. Included in the book will be true stories from individuals who have embraced the far-reaching acceptance dynamic.

Please share your acceptance story with the book’s readers, using the questions below as a guideline. If your story is selected for the book, you will receive $50 plus a signed copy of the book one month after its formal publication. (more…)

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2015

Daniel A. Miller | January 5, 2015

Have you set your intentions for 2015 yet? Because of their importance to my serenity, I annually review and update my intentions for letting go of control. Such intentions are highly effective in reducing our need or compulsion to control others and things. Below are my intentions for letting go of control in 2015 together with links to prior posts on the particular subjects.

I intend to:

Let go of the things that I cannot realistically change

Trust more that my children will make decisions that are best for them

Trust that I will be okay whatever the situation

Reduce my expectations of others

Recognize that what works for me does not necessarily work for others

Focus on improving my own shortcomings rather than trying to change others

Try to live more within the natural ebb and flow of life

Be aware of the impermanence of life

Remember that most things are not as important as I think they are

Live and Let Live

Be more patient

Recognize that there is more than one path to an acceptable destination.

Timely process my and resentments

Accept life as it is

Say the Serenity Prayer each morning

Be aware of the beauty all around me

Be more aware of and grateful for the many blessings in my life

And,

Repeat these intentions at least once a week throughout the year

If you have control issues as a parent, a co-worker, a lover, or a family member, my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity, How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (a seven year Amazon bestseller.) can be very helpful.

What are your intentions for letting go of control in 2015? Please share them with me. I encourage you to try the ones above that personally speak to you or formulate your own. I am confident your reward will be,

Greater Serenity in 2015!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

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An Essential Key to Avoiding Holiday Stress

Daniel A. Miller | December 3, 2014

It’s during this time of year that we often hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I previously shared how this “dread” and its associated stress and anxiety can be lessened by letting go of control, as well as offering some useful decontrol tools.

Buy my wife recently shared with me a holiday story that clued me in on an essential key to avoiding holiday stress. She had to buy some last minute gifts at our local mall’s department store, which required wading through these nerve-racking hurdles:

*First, she had to join the line dance of cars a block long entering the parking lot. (Not fun if you like to move when you line dance, as my wife avidly demonstrated when we first met.)

*Once in, she had to drive like a matador would to avoid the cars aggressively darting for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

*In the store, she was forced to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

*And after finally finding what she was looking for (actually she didn’t really find it, but didn’t want to leave empty handed after all the hassle), she was sentenced to a 15 minute wait in the cashier’s line.

“Gift wrap,” she was eventually asked? Amazed to discover there were actually sales clerks in the store, she very sweetly (or maybe it was tartly) said: “Thank you, but the thought of waiting in another line is unbearable.”

When I asked her how she managed to waddle through everything without losing her cool, some words of wisdom (definitely hard earned) rolled off her tongue:

“If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

I thought a few moments about what she had said and then a glowing streak of enlightenment flashed through my mind:

That’s it! An essential key to avoiding holiday stress is being able to accept “what is”.

Yes, and in this case, the underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for most of us, and once more (another streak),

We are powerless over changing any of that!

(That is, short of banning the holidays altogether.)

That being the heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, delays, family dinners with disgruntled parents and estranged siblings, and the like. (Many will nonetheless persist in trying to change or control that which can’t be controlled. I could write a book about how harmful that is for you and others emotionally and spiritually, and even financially–actually, I did write one, and it’s been an Amazon best seller now for over three years.)

What it comes down to is that there is really only one thing we can do in such trying situations:

Accept it!

You may ask, how will this help avoid stress? When we accept things (and people) as they are, it is as if a heavy burden has been lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess over the matter. And this, in turn, spurs choices and options for us, such as: do something nice for ourselves; plan better; keep things simple; breath deeply; maintain an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives; and be of service.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck” and our stress and anxiety begin to lessen and even dissipate. Why? Because with acceptance,

Nothing remains to stress over.

You may now be thinking, yeah that’s all good and dandy, but it’s much easier said than done. I can understand your skepticism, really. Hopefully this acceptance truth will alleviate your doubts some:

Accepting is simply surrendering that which you never had—control.

Not having control, that’s a hard one, I know. But you need to accept that, too. So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance? The short answer is Nothing! If you are still with me to this point, and I truly hope so, and are willing to give acceptance a try (remember, the reward is less stress) then I recommend that you follow these:

Four Acceptance Tools and Strategies

* Be More Aware of What You Can’t Change or Control. Try to recognize when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy, to be sure, because it is easy to get so wrapped up in things, especially this time of year. If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from being controlling or overreaching, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly.

* Be More Understanding of Others. Be mindful that the holidays are stressful for others as well. Hence, try to be more patient and kindly toward others; after all isn’t that a traditional hallmark of the holiday season? Also, don’t take things too personally. When you do have unpleasant encounters with others (perhaps evoked by their rudeness or anger), detach or remove yourself from the person or situation, rather than provoking or engaging. Arguments and divisive behavior only create havoc and more stress.

*Don’t Control. When you control, you can’t accept—pure and simple. If you control less, you will be able to accept more. The correlation is that direct. (I describe effective decontrol tools in this blog under that category at the right column of this page, as well as in my book.)

*Maintain Realistic Expectations. Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels, even be perfect; i.e., be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress and anxiety. (See my post, “How to Lower Family Expectations“)

In closing, please keep in mind that,

Acceptance is fundamentally a choice we make.

I encourage you to make that choice during this holiday season, and I wish you holidays that are abundant with love, peace, serenity—and acceptance!

And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude*

Daniel A. Miller | July 3, 2014

Freedom people living a free, happy, carefree life at beach. Silhouettes of a couple at sunset arms raised up showing happiness and a healthy lifestyle against a colorful sky of clouds background.

*Below is an article I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”–Cicero

However, I recently discovered (and experienced) another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January. I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I had struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play. I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches. Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try. Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

“I was able to play without injuries; “

“I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club;”

“I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.”

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before. I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

“I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.”

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

I again won in two sets.

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance, probably applies equally to most life arenas. Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

*Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit. We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy;

*Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake (including “how important is it?”);

*Reduces our anxiety creating fears; and,

*Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me. For example, consider trying it when:

*You have to give an important talk or presentation;

*You have a job interview;

*You have to take an important test;

*You have to perform or go on stage;

*You have writer’s block; or,

*You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you. Were you calmer? Less tense? More grounded? What was the final outcome?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

Are Control Freaks Healthy?

Daniel A. Miller | September 14, 2011

“Are Alpha Males Healthy?” is the lead article in the Personal Journal section of the September 13 Wall Street Journal. Alphas are “ambitious, assertive, confident and competitive,” says psychiatrist T.Byram Karasu in the article—all control-like behaviors. It is thus pretty clear that most excessive controllers are Alpha males—and females.

The article cites extensive studies showing that Alphas experience far more stress than others and that their exhausting ways take a severe physical toll on them.

Are Excessive Controllers Healthy?

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let it Go and on this blog I write extensively about the tolls that excessive controllers endure. Here are just a few:

1. They have very little peace and serenity because they devote so much time and energy in constantly trying to control and direct people and things that are beyond their real control.

2. Their lives are constantly out of balance because they are so intensely focused on attaining their “perceived” needs, that they are unaware of the beauty that is all around them and unable to pursue and enjoy creative, recreational, and social involvements that could vastly improve their lives.

3. Their close relationships lack trust and intimacy because friends and loved ones resent being told what is best for them and how they should act and be.

4. They are burdened by the constant “what ifs” and “what might happens” that their fears stoke.

Control Less and be Healthier, Happier and Wiser!

This is perhaps a simplistic way of saying what I strongly believe and have personally experienced. I have repeatedly found that the more I am able to let go of control in such vital areas of my life, such as parenting, love, work, relationships and creative endeavors, the greater joy, connection—and balance—that is bestowed upon me.

I thus encourage you to try letting go of control and enjoy the many rewards that will be yours.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Gop–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Writing Love Poems by Letting Go of Control

Daniel A. Miller | August 16, 2011

For me, composing poems encompasses letting go of control, particularly in the sense of not overthinking and overanalyzing them.

I begin with my intention and then jot down words and phrases that evoke that intention, not really concerning myself where they may eventually fit, or whether I will even use them.

I then put these short sketches away—literally and mentally—sometimes for several months. When I later take a fresh look at them, I usually revise and expand them. As this process continues, I am careful not to presss for completion. I trust that the right words and structure will be revealed in due course.

The process is very much akin to planting a seed (of thought or intention), watering it from time to time, and letting it bloom in its own time and way.

The following love poem written in celebration of my marriage to my wife, Sigute, over fifteen years ago evolved in this manner. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did in writing it.*

FIRST LOVE

Not earlier loves,
Forged by expectant young hearts
And minds more lustful
Than wise.

Where changes came fast,
But few as one.
And where our child’s past
Fogged our marital screens.

Not loves where souls still searched,
And hearts still yearned.
Where vulnerable bruises
Went unheeded with loud cries.

No, I speak of a love more wise,
Between two people more whole.
One graced with clear vision
And teachings from mistakes past.

A love that honors thy self,
As much as the union.
That lightens the spirit,
And inspires the mind.

One whose pillars are trust and respect,
And mortar truth and honesty.
And whose greener grass
Lies within its fence.

Yes, I speak of a Love
Where souls dance with grace,
And where full hearts and warm bodies
Securely embrace.

This Love of which I speak
Is…Last Love.
This Love of which I speak
Is…First Love.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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*You may read more of my poems here

COPYRIGHT 2010 BY DANIEL A. MILLER
The above poem can not be copied, altered, reproduced, or published without the prior express written consent of Daniel A. Miller. However, you are free to share them with your friends with proper accreditation! Thank you for respecting these creative rights.

Finding Serenity

Daniel A. Miller | July 2, 2011

As the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am sometimes asked what I mean by “serenity.”

I realize that serenity means different things to different people. For many, it means peace and tranquility. For others, it means harmony. I’ve also heard some people express that it simply means being comfortable in their “own skin.”

As I use it in my book and writings, I intend it to mean all these things—and more. It is an expansive term; one that viscerally evokes a core sense of “well being” and freedom and contentment.

“Serenity” thus encompasses all of these positive feelings and states of being.

An instrumental way in which we can have greater serenity in our lives is by giving up control—particularly those types and forms of control triggered by our strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, resentment and anger.

More specifically, losing control leads to conditions that result in greater serenity. For example, it reduces stress and anxiety; lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.

That is why so much of my writings in this blog, as well as in my book, is devoted to exploring methods and ways (“decontrol tools”) in which we can lose control in such vital areas of our lives as parenting, family, intimate relations, friendships, work and creative endeavors. Even the short cue at the end of my posts is one such way.

In the meantime, remember

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!

Danny

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Losing Control, Finding Flow

Daniel A. Miller | June 17, 2011

We often hear people talk about “going with the flow” when discussing how they intend to deal with important issues and challenges in their lives. I think for most, that means they wish to engage matters as they naturally arise, without forcing or resisting.

However, what we hear very little about is how we can actually do it.

I would like to share some ways that have allowed me to access the flow state, which, for me, is that state of grace where things seem to come to us—almost effortlessly–rather than we to them; where openness and freedom of thought and ideas spring forth almost magically; and where we are aware and grounded.

The Wave

Following a very difficult period of my life twenty-five years ago (and well before I thought about writing my current book) I began exploring and writing about the idea of being able to glide within “life’s natural currents.”

The metaphor that came closest to the vision of a peaceful life I desired was riding ocean waves.

I thought of there being a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer. Some simply vanishing . Many changing course. We have no influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them. As soon as one crests near us, we can extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and glide with it. If we encounter turbulence, which we always will, we can find ways to protect ourselves.

I even coined my own nautical parlance, such as “go with the Wave”, “ride the Wave”, “navigate the currents” and “float with the swells”. Just verbalizing it in this manner was (and is) very soothing to me.

Indeed, the Wave has played such an important part in improving my life that I included it as the final chapter of Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

Losing Control

I learned that the best way to access the Wave is by letting go of control. I thus explored effective, practical ways—which I now call “decontrol tools”—that enabled me to more easily let go of control in such vital areas as parenting, family and friends, love and romance, my creative endeavors and at work. I even found effective ways to do it with my favorite past time, tennis. I write about these decontrol tools in depth in my book, as well as in this blog.

Finding Flow

Simply put, when you lose control, you find flow.

When you let go of control, it frees life’s “natural currents” and you can then participate in those those currents in an expansive and intuitive manner and discover life’s possibilities. I quickly learned that the rewards are often unexpected and remarkable. Turmoil and conflict disappear. Intimacy and bonds with friends, family and loved ones strengthen significantly. Fears and worries leave us. And work becomes less stressful and more profitable.

I encourage you this week to start letting go of control and enjoy life’s flow!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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