The Illusions of High Expectations

| March 31, 2021
The Illusions of High Expectations
The Illusions of High Expectations

When we expect too much of others, most often we are trying to change or control them in some manner.   And in doing so, by definition, we aren’t accepting them as they are.

Simply put,“When you expect, you can’t accept.”

The Illusions of High Expectations 

Many of us justify our expectations in the belief that we are “helping” others.   That we know what’s good or best for them.   But do we?

Aside from bordering on arrogance (and a shortage of humility), I have repeatedly found that I often don’t know what’s best for me, let alone others!   From mentoring others, I know I’m not alone in that.

Moreover, because such expectations place undue pressure on people to be other than who they are or do other than what they wish, resentment and fraying of relationships easily occur.

Who likes being told what to do or how to act or what’s best for them?  You are in effect telling them they are not “good enough.”

Upon closer (and a more honest) self-examination, it is more often the case that we feel we will be better off, or that our important “needs” will be met, if others act the way we want or expect them to.

This belief system warrants scrutiny.  It’s more illusion, than reality.

When our focus and reliance is too much on others—which is where our expectations direct us–we lose sight of what we can do to make things better for ourselves.   We thus risk stymieing our own growth and development.

In short, we give up the power to make our lives better. 

Piercing the Illusions

In The Gifts of Acceptance, I discuss tools and strategies in some detail for moderating expectations aimed at trying to change or control others.

Included are some interrelated self-queries that have helped me pierce the illusions of my expectations—particularly of loved ones, family, and close relationships–and in the process become more accepting of them:

*Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations? 

*Can others realistically fulfill my needs—even if they wanted to?

*Will I truly be better off if others do or want as I expect? 

*Is my happiness or well-being that dependent on others?

I encourage you to make the same (or similar) queries.  Hopefully, they will help you release your expectations of others.

If you wish to explore this important subject further, below are four other posts that you may find helpful:

“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You“

“How to Lower Family Expectations”

“Tips for Letting Go of High Expectations”

“Let Go of Control by Moderating Expectations”

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows”

| October 2, 2019

We all have uncomfortable lulls in our lives where we feel things are at a standstill, or when we have nothing interesting or productive to engage us, or when we simply feel stuck.

Even the word lull itself makes me feel a certain dread.

My lulls often occur after I’ve completed a project or endeavor in which I was actively engaged, particularly when it was enjoyable and gratifying.

Most recently, I have experienced a lull after the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance.  It was thrilling and deeply rewarding that the book received several major book awards and became an Amazon best seller in multiple categories, and even more so when readers shared with me how much the book had helped them.

An unsettling lull then set in as I took a breather from book marketing.  This one has lasted longer than most.

I have a lot of time on my hands for the first time in the seven years that it took to write and publish the book. And I’m not good with too much time on my hands. I begin to “think” and question too much.

I wondered whether I should I write another book, maybe a journal or guidebook to help people practice acceptance or one that examines the important relationship and links between control and acceptance.  I also wondered whether I should pursue speaking opportunities to further carry the positive messages about acceptance, or whether maybe I should go back to painting, which has taken a back seat to my writing endeavors in recent years?

But, truth be told, I have no real desire to do these things—at least not now.  I began feeling lethargic and have less energy, especially on the tennis court playing the game I love.   (My feet didn’t feel like moving on the court and my game suffered.)

I also began feeling low, even somewhat depressed, although I wasn’t really in touch with it or what may be behind it.

Having both a “Lull” and a “Low” made me think and question even more.

It then hit me what was really going on. I was in denial.  Denial that I would soon be turning 76 and what all that meant.  This was one birthday I was definitely not looking forward to celebrating. My “stinking” thinking kept reminding me that 80 was just around the corner—and that didn’t feel good to me at all!

I half jokingly told my wife, Sigute, that I think I had bypassed a mid-life crisis and may now be having a “later life” one.

She kindly offered some very sage advice.  She suggested I:

“Lean” into my feelings.    By that she meant, try to feel and stay with the unsettling feelings—in my case dread, loss, a sense of emptiness, and disheartenment–rather than trying to block or deflect them, and not to feel that something must be “wrong” in having them.

Although it has been said that feelings are not facts, they nonetheless are real and need to be processed in some manner. Leaning into or embracing them is one good way of doing that.

And also,

Practice Gratitude.   It’s easy to lose sight of all the blessings and good things we have in our lives when we are not feeling well.   There’s a large imbalance that needs to be corrected and awareness and gratitude brings us proper perspective of our “true reality.”   Her simple reminder was enough for me to start recounting my many blessings in the succeeding days, including having a wonderful family and friends, financial security, and good health.  This process works best for me when I verbalize or write them down.  (for more on this, read my post “The Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude”)

Another thing that helped was remembering something I had written about in The Gifts of Acceptance as a key to practicing acceptance, and that is, 

Embrace life’s impermanence.   Our reliance on life and things being fixed or permanent impacts our ability to handle the unexpected when it comes, which it inevitably does–and that includes lulls and lows.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes the suffering caused by resistance to impermanence very simply:

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

It thus behooves us to remember that life has both ups and downs and not to expect or rely otherwise, which only makes matters worse.

As I did these things, my unsettling feelings began to loosen their “hold” on me and I started feeling much better. And although I am still experiencing a little lull (which has lessened in writing this very post!), I no longer feel low.

I now accept that 76 is just a number, and it doesn’t define who I am or limit me. I know, too, that my accepting “what is” will allow me to discover “what might be!”

And what better confirmation of that is just three days ago my tennis partner and I upset the #1 doubles team in California in our age division!

In the mean time,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Truths

| September 11, 2017

“Let go of control. You never had it in the first place!”

Most control freaks do not agree with the above statement. What about you? Not sure you agree? Then consider this:

“If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. So let go of control to get something new.”

Is micro-managing your children’s lives working for you? Or is not going too well? Here’s a suggestion:

“Listen attentively to them without “counseling” them.   It is a healing gift that allows them to process their concerns by themselves.” 

Are your high expectations of others creating distrust and dissension? If so, then try to:

“Expect Less—Control Less—and you will Discover more.”

How’s your love life been lately? Not so good? No wonder:

“Love Control causes the dance of romance to lose its rhythm.”

Are your strong fears propelling you to control more even when you don’t want to?  Then you must:

“Process your fears before they become real. It greatly reduces the need to control.” 

Have your creative juices dried up? Are you looking for inspiration and need some creative nourishment?

Then (trust me) you must not,

“Overthink, overanalyze, press too much or try for perfection.” 

Is it your nature to fight, fight, fight, push, push, push, or resist, resist, resist?  What’s your stress and anxiety level? A bit high?

Here’s something to ponder:

“Surrender doesn’t mean failing; it often means winning.” 

It can be difficult for control freaks to process, but once they do, a greater freedom is available.

What it really all comes down to is this:

“To control or not? That is the question. How you answer will likely determine whether you will have greater serenity in your life—or not.”

To learn more about the habit of control freaks, click here.

In the meantime, remember to

Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

 

 

5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You

| July 10, 2017

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity I explain how high expectations are a driving force behind our need to control our loved ones, children, friends and others. High expectations of others pressure them to do and be what we want, or what we feel is best for them. As such, we are imposing our will on them.

Have you considered how high expectations hurt you? Here are five significant ways:

  1. They create dissension in our close relationships.People resent it when we pressure them to be other than who they are or wish to be.   We are in effect telling them they are “not good enough.” This leads to resentment and dissension, thus impacting our bonds and connection with them.
  2. They divert us from pursuing our personal growth. With expectations, our focus is on others instead of where it can do us the most good: ourselves. They divert us from working on our shortcomings and enhancing our personal talents and attributes.
  3. They create unnecessary anxiety.   Expectations are results-driven. We become concerned and anxious that future events will not be as we had wanted—or expected. Moreover, unmet expectations lead to disappointment and more anxiety.
  1. They transport us from the present. Expectations assume that our well-being and happiness are dependent on future events happening in a manner that will satisfy our perceived needs.  Such linear thinking is contrary to life’s unpredictable ebb and flow (or impermanence), in which change is the only thing that is constant.  As such, expectations transport us from the only place where our needs can be truly satisfied: the present.
  1. They deny us the blessings from accepting life and people as they are. As will be made clear in my forthcoming book, The Gifts of Acceptance*, there are significant blessings when we accept life and people as they are. However, when we expect too much from others and things, we aren’t accepting of them. We are either trying to control or change them.

In addition to sharing my own and others’ acceptance stories, my new book offers effective ways in which you can moderate your expectations. For now, here are two practical posts that will help you do that:

Click here to read “How to Lower Family Expectations.”

Visit this link to read “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations.”

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept What Is!

Danny

*You can download a preview chapter of The Gifts of Acceptance  by clicking here.

**If you like this post, please share it with your Facebook friends.

5 Keys to Practicing “Acceptance”

| July 9, 2017

An underlying theme of my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity, is that acceptance is fundamental to reducing our need to control. Readers agree. The most highlighted sentence of Amazon’s best selling eBook version is:

“The more we accept people and things for who and what they are, the less we need to control.”

Readers also recognize the folly of trying to control others, a realization present in all acceptance stories. The second most highlighted part is:

“At bottom, excessive control represents our attempt to change another’s very nature and spirit. But because another’s true spirit cannot be changed except by that person alone—our efforts to do so are not only fruitless, they are also harmful. It is not about the other person as much as it is about us and our unwillingness to accept life as it is.”

The Importance of Acceptance

More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance* to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships. (See “Five Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are”)

The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer and First Step of the widely practiced 12 Step Programs. It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.

Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to practice “Acceptance?”

We readily recognize how important it is, but so often don’t or can’t do it! Instead, we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.  When others share their acceptance stories, most reveal that at first it wasn’t easy to let go and accept things the way they were.

Keys to Practicing Acceptance

I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it. I believe there are five fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance. Consequently, the keys to success in practicing acceptance lay in our ability and willingness to overcome them.

*We are too afraid. We are fearful if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed. For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school. Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.

Facing and processing such fears makes it much easier to accept others and things as they are.

*We expect too much. Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.

*We lack trust and faith. Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it“play out” by itself because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.

Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions.

*We are not humble enough. Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way of doing it is the best way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others.

In short, we need to be more humble! It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe.

*We aren’t courageous enough. It takes considerable courage to overcome the above obstacles–and we often fall short.

Meaningful guidance is found in the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me…Courage to Change the Things I Can.”

We can try to face and move through our fears.

We can lower our expectations of others and things.

We can have greater faith that everything will turn out okay if we accept others and “what is.”

And we can strive to be more humble.

What do you do to practice acceptance?

Please share your acceptance stories with myself and others and let us know what helped you most.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*Acceptance does not mean that we need condone or excuse what we find distasteful about another’s ways or dislike about a situation. Simply, that we need to accept that is the way the person or thing is and that it is beyond our power to meaningfully change him or her or it.

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An Essential Key to Avoiding Holiday Stress

| December 3, 2014

It’s during this time of year that we often hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I previously shared how this “dread” and its associated stress and anxiety can be lessened by letting go of control, as well as offering some useful decontrol tools.

Buy my wife recently shared with me a holiday story that clued me in on an essential key to avoiding holiday stress.   She had to buy some last minute gifts at our local mall’s department store, which required wading through these nerve-racking hurdles:

*First, she had to join the line dance of cars a block long entering the parking lot.   (Not fun if you like to move when you line dance, as my wife avidly demonstrated when we first met.)

*Once in, she had to drive like a matador would to avoid the cars aggressively darting for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

*In the store, she was forced to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

*And after finally finding what she was looking for (actually she didn’t really find it, but didn’t want to leave empty handed after all the hassle), she was sentenced to a 15 minute wait in the cashier’s line.

“Gift wrap,” she was eventually asked? Amazed to discover there were actually sales clerks in the store, she very sweetly (or maybe it was tartly) said: “Thank you, but the thought of waiting in another line is unbearable.”

When I asked her how she managed to waddle through everything without losing her cool, some words of wisdom (definitely hard earned) rolled off her tongue:

“If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.” 

I thought a few moments about what she had said and then a glowing streak of enlightenment flashed through my mind:

That’s it! An essential key to avoiding holiday stress is being able to accept “what is”. 

Yes, and in this case, the underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for most of us, and once more (another streak),

We are powerless over changing any of that!

(That is, short of banning the holidays altogether.)

That being the heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, delays, family dinners with disgruntled parents and estranged siblings, and the like. (Many will nonetheless persist in trying to change or control that which can’t be controlled. I could write a book about how harmful that is for you and others emotionally and spiritually, and even financially–actually, I did write one, and it’s been an Amazon best seller now for over three years.)

What it comes down to is that there is really only one thing we can do in such trying situations:

Accept it! 

You may ask, how will this help avoid stress?   When we accept things (and people) as they are, it is as if a heavy burden has been lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess over the matter. And this, in turn,  spurs choices and options for us, such as: do something nice for ourselves; plan better; keep things simple; breath deeply; maintain an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives; and be of service.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck” and our stress and anxiety begin to lessen and even dissipate. Why? Because with acceptance,

Nothing remains to stress over.

You may now be thinking, yeah that’s all good and dandy, but it’s much easier said than done. I can understand your skepticism, really.   Hopefully this acceptance truth will alleviate your doubts some:

Accepting is simply surrendering that which you never had—control.

Not having control, that’s a hard one, I know. But you need to accept that, too. So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance? The short answer is Nothing! If you are still with me to this point, and I truly hope so, and are willing to give acceptance a try (remember, the reward is less stress) then I recommend that you follow these:

Four Acceptance Tools and Strategies

*   Be More Aware of What You Can’t Change or Control. Try to recognize when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy, to be sure, because it is easy to get so wrapped up in things, especially this time of year.   If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from being controlling or overreaching, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly.

* Be More Understanding of Others. Be mindful that the holidays are stressful for others as well.   Hence, try to be more patient and kindly toward others; after all isn’t that a traditional hallmark of the holiday season? Also, don’t take things too personally. When you do have unpleasant encounters with others (perhaps evoked by their rudeness or anger), detach or remove yourself from the person or situation, rather than provoking or engaging. Arguments and divisive behavior only create havoc and more stress.

*Don’t Control. When you control, you can’t accept—pure and simple. If you control less, you will be able to accept more.   The correlation is that direct.   (I describe effective decontrol tools in this blog under that category at the right column of this page, as well as in my book.)

*Maintain Realistic Expectations. Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels, even be perfect; i.e., be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress and anxiety. (See my post, “How to Lower Family Expectations“)

In closing, please keep in mind that,

            Acceptance is fundamentally a choice we make.

I encourage you to make that choice during this holiday season, and I wish you holidays that are abundant with love, peace, serenity—and acceptance!

And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

 Danny

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Acceptance, Expectations, and Control: Vital Links

| April 24, 2013

There are vital links or connections between acceptance, expectations, and the need to control.   That’s why they are such an integral part of the discourse on this blog and in my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How To Let It Go.

Here are some of the vital links:

*When we expect too much from others, we usually try to change or control them.   We are also not accepting of how they are.

*When we don’t accept people as they are, we frequently try to change them through controlling means.

*When we try to change or control others, we are not accepting of them.

The consequences of the above actions invariably include resentment, conflict and dissension, anxiety, and damaged relationships.

*When we do accept others as they are, we do not feel the need to try to change or control them.   Nor do we have unreasonable expectations of them. (See 5 Keys to Practicing “Acceptance”)

*When we moderate our expectations of others, it is much easier to accept them as they are, and feel much less need to try to change or control them.

The consequences of the above actions include stronger bonds and relationships, greater trust and intimacy, and much more serenity for you—and others.

What links have you experienced between acceptance, expectations, and control?   Please share them with me.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Please check out my new book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are.

 

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2013

| December 30, 2012

Because of their importance to my serenity, I annually review and update my intentions for letting go of control.  Such intentions are highly effective in reducing our need or compulsion to control others and things.   Below are my intentions for letting go of control in 2013.

I intend to:

“Live and let live”

“Be more accepting of others”

“Let go of the things that I cannot realistically change”

“Listen attentively to others without offering advice”

“Face and process my fears”

“Moderate my expectations of others and things”

“Be more humble”

“Focus on improving myself rather than changing others”

 

“Recognize that my way may not be the best or “right” way for others”

 

“Be more grateful of the many blessings in my life”

“Accept life as it is”

 

“Say the Serenity Prayer each morning”

And,

“Repeat these intentions at least once a week throughout the year”

What are your decontrol intentions for 2013?  I encourage you to try the ones above that personally speak to you or formulate your own.    I am confident your reward will be,

Greater Serenity in 2013!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Adrian Gonzalez Knows How to Let Go of Control for Peak Performance

| October 10, 2012

Sports stars seem to easily recognize the types of controlling actions that severely undermine peak performance.Adrian Gonzalez, a prolific home run hitter, is the most recent athlete to do so.

The Los Angeles Dodgers paid a huge amount ($126 million) to acquire Gonzalez in mid season with high expectations that he and several other acquired players would lead the Dodgers to the National League Playoffs.

However, the Dodgers failed to make the playoffs and Gonzalez’s home run production dropped dramatically.   When asked by sports reporter Dylan Hernandez (October 7 Los Angeles Times Sports Section) what he attributed his lack of home runs to, Gonzalez responded without hesitation:

“Trying too hard.”

What’s interesting is that in the two prior seasons Gonzalez hit considerably more home runs while playing with serious injuries.   When asked why he thought that was, Gonzalez answered:

“I was able to hit because I had no expectations for myself.”

Expanding further on why this past season was a subpar one for him, even though he was completely healthy for the first time in years, Gonzalez explained:

“This year, because I’m healthy, I’m like, OK, now I should be able to do this and do that…Before I know it, I’m up there trying to make things happen.  This game is not one in which you make things happen.  You have to let things happen.” (emphasis added.)

Thus, once again Gonzalez confirmed that trying too hard and having too high of expectations are the types of controlling actions that can severely undermine an athlete’s performance.

Importantly, it is these same controlling means that impact other kinds of performance.

For example,

*Over rehearsing a speech or theatrical role usually impacts its naturalness, emotional connection and flow.

*Expecting too much from your children on school exams can cause them to tighten up and make foolish mistakes.

*Trying too hard to please a prospective beau or belle may make him or her feel uncomfortable around you.

*Trying too hard to perform well sexually can ….you finish the sentence!

How many times has your trying too hard to accomplish something impacted the results? How often have high expectations of yourself or others affected performance?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Albert Pujols Lets Go of Control and Loses his Slump!

| August 14, 2012

Several months ago I offered some decontrol suggestions to Albert Pujols on how he could come out of the horrendous batting slump he was mired in following his signing a record breaking contract with the Los Angeles Angels.

At the time, he was batting a measly .194 with NO home runs!

Remarkably, in the three months since he has hit .303 with 24 home runs and 71 runs batted in.

Why?  Because he let go of control!

Pujols confirmed this in the lead article in the August 13 Sports Section of the Los Angeles Times entitled “On a Barrel Roll, ” where he remarked:

“I think everyone was pressing, not just myself, but I was the face because I signed the big contract, and I had to show people I was worth every penny.”

Significantly, Pujols wents on to say:

“When I decided not to try to do too much, that’s when things started to turn.”

This aptly illustrates one of the major catalysts of our unproductive and often harmful controlling actions.

Pressing and trying to do too much.

All of which removes us from “life’s natural currents.”   Only when we are willing to lose control, are we able to engage and act more intuitively and expansively within the natural flow of life—whether it be our work lives, our home lives, creative lives—or in Albert Pujol’s case, our sports and performance lives.

The next time you are mired in a “slump,” try letting go of control.   And please let me know how it worked for you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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How to Lower Family Expectations

| May 10, 2012

High expectations of others plant the seeds for disappointment and resentment. Whether assertive or subtle, expecting too much of others pressures them to act and be, as we want them to.

At its core, it is our attempt to control or change others.

High expectations become a double edged sword.  We become resentful when our expectations are not met, and others become resentful because we are not accepting them as they are.

And none more so than with family!

Probably because we feel more safe and “entitled” with family, our expectations are usually greater and more freely expressed.   And because we have more “history” with divisive family issues, our expectations tend to be negative ones.

A prime example is when adult children—often reluctantly, but dutifully–return home for the holidays.   They are apprehensive and expect that recurring issues from the past will be drummed up again by their parents and siblings.  My advice is:

Let go of unrealistic family expectations.

The more we can lower our family expectations, or keep them realistic, the more peace and serenity we will have and the stronger our family bonds will be.

Here are three ways you can reduce or let go of your family expectations.

*Determine what  “perceived” needs underlie your expectations. Most often, our family expectations are derived from deep needs we have, whether it be the need to be loved, accepted, or the need to “help” other members.

Consider, however, whether the need is something that others can really fulfill?

Or, as is more often the case, is it something that only you can fulfill?

Once you recognize this essential truth, your expectations will diminish, whether it be with family or others in your life.

* Be more grateful for what your family gives you. Instead of thinking about family members’ annoying traits, focus on the good things that you enjoy and appreciate about them.   Similarly, be positive and open-minded.  Don’t assume or anticipate conflict or unpleasant behavior based on past history.   Trust that you will be able to deflect or disengage from any upsetting behavior or problems that might arise.

*Accept your family for whom and how they are.  Don’t try to change family members.   No one is perfect or without flaws.   Are you?    When you accept your family as they are, it not only avoids resentment and dissension, but also strengthens family bonds.

I have come to believe that all families are to some extent “dysfunctional” and that we do not have the power to change family dynamics by ourselves.  Expecting that we can do so–usually by using controlling means—only makes matters worse.

However, we do have the power to change our own role within the family dynamic.

Making the shift from expectations to family closeness

We can choose not to expect, not to engage, not to react and not to pressure, and just be as accepting of our family as we can.   As we begin to do this, a “shift” can occur in which our family feels safer and more trusting and reacts and responds to us in a more loving manner–and therein I believe lies the best hope for bringing us the family closeness we seek and desire.

Please share with me your beliefs and experiences with family expectations and what successes you have had when you were able to lower them.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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