Control Freaks Suffer, Too—And You Can Help Them!

 

In my media interviews with respect to the recent publication of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, interviewers and listeners alike often relate their considerable angst and discomfort from having to live and/or work with control freaks.

They tell me that control freaks constantly trample their boundaries, frazzle them, and cause them great anxiety—which, of course, comes as no surprise to me since I am a “reforming” controller myself.

However, what is not well understood is how much “suffering” control freaks endure from their unrelenting compulsion to control.

Controllers are consumed and propelled by their strong fears and anxieties.  Their lives are filled with “what might happens.”  They constantly worry about whether important (according to them) matters will be done “right”—which is to say, the way they want them to be done–and on time, and about what dreadful consequences will ensue if they are not.  It is thus no surprise that most control freaks sleep poorly, find it difficult to  “play” and have fun, and have deeper frown lines than laugh lines.

I point these things out not to generate sympathy for their overbearing ways, but rather as an insight that can assist you in fending off controllers!

Let me explain.

Helping Controllers Helps Controllees

Because controllers are driven by their strong fears and anxieties, their compulsion or need to control diminishes commensurately with the lessening of their fears.

It thus follows that you can reduce the discomfort you endure from controllers’ behavior if you can help them reduce their fears and anxieties.

In other words, you can help yourself by “helping” them.

Here is an effective way that controllees can help controllers defuse their fears and anxieties.

Reassure Your Control Freak!

Yes, that’s right.   Reassure him or her that everything will be okay.    They need to hear and feel that.  It eases the “dangers” and nightmares–mostly fictional–that controllers script for themselves.   And don’t be afraid to repeat your reassurances.   The more the better.

Your reassurances should be direct and simple:

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure things are handled properly,” or “Boss, I’ll get right on it.”

If your loved one is a controller, try:

“Dear, don’t worry, every thing will work out all right,” or “Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to help?”

You should, of course, use words and reassurance methods that feel right to you with respect to the controllers (and their concerns) in your life.

How Do You Tame Your Control Freaks?

One of the reasons for my establishing Danny’s Decontrol Yourself Blog is to provide a forum for people to share their stories, experiences, and wisdom concerning the many facets of the control dynamic.

I would thus appreciate hearing from you about some effective ways of “taming” your controllers that you have learned.   Having to deal with the antics of controllers is a major concern for many people and we can all benefit from shared experiences.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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**For more on the subject, read my post “5 Common Myths of Control Freaks.

 

 

 

Work Control: Five Ways It Harms You and How to Avoid It

 

The workplace is where humanity’s primal drive for sustenance and survival is most prominently played out.   As such, it is a hotbed for costly control practices.  Some graciously refer to the compulsion to control at work as just “trying to get ahead” or “make ends meet,” but in truth it can be argued that it is nothing less than survival of the fittest.

The compulsion to control at work can be so strong, that we rarely stop to consider how much it harms us–and  others.

Pitfalls of Work Control.   Here are five ways that excessive work control harms you:

  • We are rigid and close-minded, and thereby fail to recognize profitable options and opportunities.  We literally have “blinders” because of the intensity of controlling behavior.
  • We are inflexible and thus unable to adapt to the ebb and flow of the
    “work currents,” putting us our of sync with what needs to be timely addressed.
  • By trying to micro-manage everything, we fail to look at the “larger picture.” We are thus unable to discern what is truly relevant with respect to the tasks and issues at hand, resulting in costly diversions of time and money.
  • Our interactions with others become abrasive and confrontational instead of cooperative and thoughtful.
  • We easily become stressed out and overwhelmed because we are constantly fearful of (and obsess about) all the “what ifs” and “what could happens”.

How to Let Go of Work Control. Losing Control, Finding Serenity devotes several chapters on how to let go of control at work and avoid the above pitfalls. Here are  several  “decontrol” tools that will enable you to give up more control at work:

Address your work fears.   Fear is the primary catalyst for controlling behavior.  You must address and process these fears in order to let go of work control.  One effective way is to separate the objective facts of troubling work issues from the fictional nightmares you script for yourself.    Identify the real facts as specifically as you can.  Write them down and really focus on them.

Take some action to deal with these objective facts—even a small step.   Trust me, your fears will not like being confronted this way and they will soon start to lose their hold over you.   You will then recognize viable options and choices that had been obscured to you previously.   That will further defuse your work fears, and with that the compulsion to control.

*Trust that you will be okay, regardless of what happens.    Remind yourself that you’ve overcome many difficult challenges in the past.   You’re still here, right?  You will also be here tomorrow and the next day.

*Read my poem, Fear: Fictions’ Best Seller,” which exposes fear for what it truly is: “a wimp” parading in our frail armor!

Try these decontrol tools at work and let me know how it goes for you.

And remember to,

Let It Go!

Danny

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Expand Your Life Options by Letting Go of Control

 

 

A major benefit of letting go of control is that it expands your life options.  The very intensity and obsessiveness of our controlling actions obscure our vision, and we literally are unable to see the opportunities that are right before us.

This dynamic is like the “farsightedness” that results when we intensely search for something we have misplaced.  How many times have you searched relentlessly for your keys or cell phone, but to no avail?   And then when you finally stop looking for them, you quickly spot them, right there in front of you.

My Obsessive Search Bore No Fruit

After acquiring a beautiful dining room set three years ago, I was set upon finding a vintage art deco light fixture to complement it. I became obsessed with finding the right fixture.   I had a clear vision of the type of fixture I wanted and nothing else would do.  For two years, I unsuccessfully scoured Los Angeles lighting stores.  I repeatedly visited one store in particular—Liz’s Hardware—known for its vintage light fixtures.  I had high hopes that the right fixture might eventually appear.  Nothing did. I finally gave up.

After I stopped Searching, “Fruition” Came

A few months later, my wife and I were enjoying a Saturday afternoon together.  She asked if I wanted to see if anything new had come in at Liz’s.  To her surprise, I said “No, I’ve given up searching for the piece.”  Unbelievably, less than thirty minutes later we passed a store with an unusual store front.  From the outside, the only thing you could see were two old fashioned cameras on tripods pointing at white partitions.  I was intrigued, turned around and parked.

As we entered the store, an unusual, very eclectic potpourri of art and furniture greeted us on all sides.  The store felt otherworldly.  Stepping into a back room, we glanced up and saw unusual metal sculpture pieces attached to twisted iron cords that hung down from the high ceiling—to which were randomly attached glowing lights shaped like ostrich eggs.  Indeed, the store manager informed us that some of the fixtures were ostrich eggs that had been pierced so the light could shine through.

We immediately placed an order for a fixture; it now graces our dining room with its inviting light.

I would never have found this beautiful, functional art piece had I continued my high expectation, insistent, controlling ways.  It was only when I removed my expectations and stopped actively looking for what I thought I needed that the currents were “released” and brought opportunity into my life.  The results were even better than I’d expected.  The piece is not only totally different than what I was so set on finding, but it is also well beyond any beauty that I could have imagined possible.

Removing the Blinders

I know from repeated experience in all areas of my life that when I lose control, my blinders are removed, my vision vastly expands, and I become more aware of the wonders that are around me.

Whether at work or at home, and whether in art or in performance, you will benefit immensely from the options and unexpected opportunities that arise when you are willing to step back and allow the “currents” to flow naturally.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny Miller

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