A Valuable Key to a Healthier Heart

When my doctor checked my pulse and blood pressure at a recent physical exam, my pulse was only 47—well below the 60-80 norm—and my blood pressure was a healthy 98/68.  Admittedly, I exercise regularly, but leaving the doctor’s office I wondered whether that alone would account for such good readings—especially for a 70 year old.

It then occurred to me that the readings might also be attributable to the fact that I am now much better at letting go of control in important areas of my life (work, children, loved ones, friends and the like).

In other words, could letting go of control be a valuable key to a healthier heart?

I believe it is.  Medical research and studies confirm that our hearts are adversely impacted by excessive stress, worry, fear, and anger.

And, quite simply:

*When we control less, we stress less;

*When we control less, we worry less;

*When we control less, we fear less; and,

*When we control less, we resent less.

If this all seems too “non-scientific” to you, I encourage you to try the following:

Let Go of Control Heart Test

1.  In the morning or evening of the first day, measure your blood pressure and pulse.

2.  For the next three days, endeavor to let go of control the best you can at work, with your children, close relationships, and troublesome concerns.  Don’t pressure, force, resist—or persist.  Just accept, allow, trust and let be.  I understand that this may not be easy—especially if you have the propensity to be a controller. The key is to simply try your best.   It’s a matter of progress, not perfection. Striving for perfection induces control-based actions. *To assist yourself, try some of the Decontrol Tips and Tools described in my posts in that category at the right column of this page.

3.  After three days, again measure your blood pressure and pulse at about the same time that you did on the first day.

4.  Finally, do the simple math to determine if and/or how much your pulse and blood pressure have improved.

This Test is a No Lose Proposition

Admittedly, there can be many unaccounted for variables that impact your results.

However, you have nothing to lose by taking the test—and here’s why:

Even if the results are not conclusive, I am quite confident that you will have less stress, worry, fear, and anger—and more peace and serenity!

These and other benefits will increase further as you become better and better at letting go of control.   It definitely takes commitment and practice—and at times courage—but it is well worth the effort.   Eventually, letting go of control will become a more natural, intuitive way of living and engaging people and things.

I would love to hear how your heart test went.   Were your pulse and blood pressure lower?  Did you have less stress and anxiety?  Were the decontrol days more enjoyable?

Here’s to your healthier heart!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–And Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Control—Misery Link

Control freaks beware—those controlling tendencies can create misery in your life.

A friend recently shared, “The more I try to control things in my life, the more miserable I become.  In fact, the misery in my life is directly proportional to how much I try to control things.”

I, of course, knew how excessive control impacts my serenity, but never heard it expressed in quite that way. As I thought about it further, I realized there is indeed a direct link between control and “misery.” Let me explain why.

When we try to control or change others, it breeds anger and resentment because we are not accepting them as they are. In effect, we are telling them they are doing things “wrong” or are not “good enough.” That, in turn, impedes trust, openness and connection, particularly with our loved ones and close relationships.  They are less willing to share with us; to confide in us; and yes, to like and love us. We thus become removed and isolated, even lonely.

That’s not all. Control freaks actually experience stress due to these tendencies. We easily become stressed from devoting so much time and energy to doomed endeavors. We grow frustrated at not being able to control outcomes and with the time we waste trying to. Is it then any surprise that these control-induced impediments make us “miserable?”

My friend is right:

The more controlling we are, the more miserable we will be. 

So why not start letting go of your need to control and be happier? To get you started, here are some posts on decontrol tools and strategies:

5 Key Ways to Let Go of Control in Relationships

Letting Go of Control Truths

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2016

Here’s to being serene instead of miserable!

In the meantime,

         Let It Go—and Accept What Is! 

         Danny

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Let Go of Anger by Acknowledging Your Part in It

Anger usually breeds controlling actions that are harmful to others and us, whether it be harsh words, divisive actions, or retaliation.    We all too often become obsessed, possessed—and even recessed!  It is therefore important to find ways in which to defuse your anger and resentment quickly.   In this blog and in Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I offer effective tools and techniques for doing that.   One way is by accepting people for who they are and life as it is.

Another is by acknowledging your part in the anger-provoking occurrence.

No matter how “innocent” I may have felt regarding a disturbing matter, at some point I realized that I had played some part in it.

Here’s a very recent case in point.   I entered a tennis tournament in Anaheim, California, about 50 miles from where I live.    It was raining at home on the day of my 1 pm scheduled second match, so I called the tournament director at 11 am to see if it was also raining in Anaheim.   He said no, the courts were dry, and my match was still scheduled at 1 pm.    So I drove down only to find the courts wet, and with no one around.

I was very angry—actually, “fuming” better describes it—that the director hadn’t had the courtesy to call me on my cell phone to tell me that it had started raining after we had spoken earlier.   Then, as I was driving home, I thought about what I had been writing about in this very post, and considered whether I had some part in the mishap.

I quickly realized that I had.    When the rain continued after I was on the road for 15 minutes or so, I could have called the director again to see if conditions had changed at the courts—which they obviously had—and then simply returned home.

More importantly, once I recognized my part, my anger immediately subsided.

Quite often it is not easy to recognize our role in an anger-provoking occurrence.   Our anger prevents us from doing that.  It can be even more difficult to own up to it once we do, especially if an apology is warranted.

It takes real self-honesty to admit that you were at least partly responsible—but the rewards are well worth it.

You will be more compassionate and understanding of others.  Your own anger and resentment will lessen considerably.  And it will help you avoid similar occurrences in the future.

Four Ways to Acknowledge Your Part in It

The next time you find yourself upset by something that you feel was not your doing, try these four tools to help determine what part you may have played in the matter:

*Reflect or meditate on whether you had some role—even a minor one—in the events that led to your anger and resentment. Preferably, do this when the embers have cooled and you are calm—and thus more open-minded.

*If you still can’t recognize your part in the matter, do the same thing again! Sometimes it takes awhile to rein in your ego and recognize your part in what happened.   Consider whether you “pushed someone’s buttons.”  Remember, too, that it may be something that you didn’t do, such as in the example above.

*Examine your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. You may not be aware of “signals” you send that cause others to act or react in unkind ways.   Your own anxiety may be responsible for much of what happened.

*Remove Your Ego from the Equation. Strong egos prevent us from clearly seeing situations.    They cause us to try to justify or diminish our role.   To remove ego obstructions, you must have the courage to be humble. True humility will allow you to recognize your own shortcomings.

Please let me know how these tools work for you.   Please also share any ways that have been successful for you in acknowledging your role in anger inducing events.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Resonates with People

I am very pleased that the central theme of my book (Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go) about the importance (and benefits) of letting go of  excessive control in our lives is resonating with so many people. The book has received very positive reviews (see below) and my many interviews on diverse local, regional, and national radio stations have been lively, educational and at times provocative.   It is clear to me that more and more people are recognizing how excessive control–the kind which is primarily triggered by our “unwanted” feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, anxiety, insecurity and the like–significantly harms our lives and those of others.

Book Reviews

I am proud to share some of the book reviews.

The very popular blog Positively Present featured an extensive review in March.  Here is an edited portion of the review:

“Though I wasn’t sure what I would get out of the book initially, what I found was invaluable information on: how to reduce the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment; how to make work less stressful and more profitable; how to find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy; and how to lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication. All of these topics were things I hadn’t really considered in relation to control, but reading Miller’s words really helped me to understand the many ways control plays a part in my life.

Miller offers excellent tips for how to remain aware of our own emotions and feelings. His advice — which I took immediately and started putting into practice in my own life — really does work. Small, simple acts can impact the way you are aware of how you are feeling and Miller’s work has served as a great reminder to me of how important it is to stay focused on what you are experiencing personally in order to control the need to control.

There are a lot of great books out there on self-help and I’m sure many are focused on this very same topic, but the guidance offered by Miller is this book is something I’d recommend to anyone struggling with control issues in his or her life. Even if it’s not you personally struggling with control, a lot can be learned from reading about what it’s like to have issues with control — and how you can help yourself and others cope with these issues.”

The Monthly Aspectarian new age newspaper published the following review in its April edition:

“At work they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less than perfection from their coworkers. At home they obsess over finding the “right” person. Then they criticize their lover or spouse for doing everything wrong. As parents they practice zero tolerance for their children’s preferred study practices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views.

Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type: micromanagers, nitpickers, domestic despots. Yet most of us fail to recognize the signs of the compulsion to control in ourselves—or realize the toll of this behavior takes on career, family, friendships, and our own happiness. Losing Control, Finding Serenity pinpoints the dangers of excessive control, which goes far beyond setting limits and standards, in all aspects of life. It shows those of us who feel the pressure to control how to break free and reap unexpected gifts.

Sharing his journey of transformation from up-tight control driven attorney to life-loving person who works less and earns more, Daniel Miller reveals what happened when he finally decided to “surrender”: his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, and he experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace. Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged control freaks, he guides us through an honest inventory of our control patterns, leading us to discover this compulsion is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxiety, and insecurity, then aggravated by anger and resentments.

In a chaotic, unpredictable world that’s frequently beyond our control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validation for going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, ever changing mystery.”

The New Age Retailer, the leading trade magazine for mind, body, and spirit retailers and book stores, published the following review in its just released May edition:

“This is a book about finding balance between control and surrender. It grew out of the author’s personal struggle to manage his life for maximum productivity and profit. As the glittering world he so doggedly built began to collapse around him, he looked for answers and found them in the places where he least expected to. Now he’s passing on the techniques he used to successfully rebuild his career and his life on a firmer, less controlled foundation. Down-to-earth and honest, the book is full of psychological and spiritual insight. It is also full of real world solutions for reconnecting with the natural flow of life and with our personal truth.  This book will be terrific for twelve-steppers who are just beginning to work with the program.”

The Impact of Control on Our Lives

I am thus encouraged and motivated to continue writing  about the impact of control on our lives and how we can let it go and enjoy the remarkable and unexpected gifts that come our way when  you do.  I again invite you to join the discourse by letting me know about your own “control” experiences at the Comment portion of this blog.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Let Go of Anger by Accepting “What Is”

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anger is as much of our daily lives as breakfast and dinner.    These hectic and impersonal times constantly provoke our anger, whether it is the frustration that comes from “conversing” with voice activated repairs and reservations attendants, the break down of our email provider’s servers, or being made late to an appointment because of heavy traffic.    For the most part, however, we are able to let go of such anger with the simple passage of time.

Of much greater concern, however, is deeply rooted anger and resentment.  Such imbedded angers breeds strong control responses that are harmful to others and us.     We become close minded and rigid.   We lash out and intimidate, withdraw and isolate, become obsessed and possessed.

Carrie Fisher says it best: “Resentment is like drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Process Your Anger

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity I stress the importance of timely processing our anger and resentment, and provide tools in which to do that.   For example, the next time your anger is provoked, take some time to address it.   Try to get in touch with what is really behind it.   Were you really harmed?   Or is it just your ego? Are you creating a mountain out of a molehill?

Also, don’t make assumptions about other people’s motives.  Make sure you know the facts; seek clarification, if necessary.   You’d be surprised at how much of our anger is based on misinformation.

Accept “What Is”

A highly effective method of processing anger is accepting the  “what is” of disturbing situations.    Doing so significantly diminishes our anger and the need to control.

Let me share a personal story that demonstrates what I mean.    Some years back, a real estate agent had placed a large, unauthorized “For Sublease” sign at the entrance to one of my properties.   I had known and done business with this agent for over twenty years, and he well knew that we never allowed such signage.

I was absolutely furious when I found out what he had done and was ready to sick the legal bloodhounds on  him.   Fortunately, I didn’t.  By then I knew better about reacting impulsively with strong control actions when angered.   Instead, I worked at processing my anger and hurt feelings.    I asked myself how important this “affront” really was.   I recognized that the only real harm was to my feelings, not to the property.   I then called the agent and asked him if he was resentful of me for some reason.   He said no, he simply felt he had a duty to represent his client and that duty took precedence over my interests.    I could at least understand the basis for his action, even if I disagreed with it.   My anger subsided and I allowed his sign to remain, and I didn’t lose any sleep over the matter.

Several days later, someone called the agent and asked to look at the sublease space.   The caller decided the space did not suit his needs but did find another space in our building that he liked.   The new tenant told me that he would never have stopped to look at the space in our building had it not been for the unauthorized sign.   Wow!  Who would have known?   Certainly not me.

The above case is no exception.  I have experienced time and again that when I am able to accept “what is”, the dynamics of an unsettling situation change, often dramatically.  Positive thoughts and energy replace negative ones.  Obstacles are lessened or removed.  Unexpected paths appear.

The next time your anger or resentment rears its fiery head try some of the above  tools.  Please drop me a line and let me know how it went.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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How to Let Go and Lose Control: An Introduction to the DeControl Yourself Blog

Daniel A Miller author

As I have begun sharing and speaking about the benefits of giving up control, it has been especially rewarding that my message has resonated so strongly with people.  I have found that so many people are ready to let go.  Quite simply, they recognize that their controlling methods and devices haven’t served them well, particularly in our increasingly complex world.

The goal of this “Decontrol Yourself” blog is to expand that message to others by creating what I hope will become a participatory forum and discourse about the many facets of the control dynamic.  In particular, this blog will:

a) Examine the harms of excessive control in vital life arenas—particularly parenting and family, intimate relations, friendships, the work place, and creative endeavors;

b) Offer effective tools and techniques for reducing the need and compulsion to control; in other words, teach you how to lose control;

c) Share the unexpected and often remarkable personal and professional rewards that occur when we are able and willing to lose some control.

Are You a Controller?

The type of control that we will address on the Decontrol Yourself blog is excessive or domineering control.  This “Are You a Controller?” quiz will help you determine if you suffer from this type of control issue.

Generally speaking, the need to control people and situations most often comes from our unwanted and unprocessed feelings (or “Personal Truths”) such as fear, worry, anxiety, anger and resentment, insecurity, rejection, and the like.

On this blog, I will try to be as specific as I can be in addressing important control issues and in recommending strategies that will diminish the urge to control.  As part of this process, I will share my own personal experiences with the powerful control dynamic, as well the stories of others I know and have counseled.

In this first post, however, I wish to share my core beliefs as they impact control.

Core Beliefs

The first is that life is in a constant state of motion: fluid, shifting, changing directions, ebbing and flowing, and always moving.  As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—yet that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.

Imagine you’re trying to hold on to a rapidly moving conveyor built.  You may slow it down momentarily, but you would either get burned or dragged along in the process.  These “rope burns” are the side effect of trying to slow down or manipulate life, and I will explore them (and how to avoid them) in future posts.

Secondly, we cannot change or control others in any meaningful way.  All the effort and energy we expend in trying to do so, whether by reasoning, pleading, hoping, threatening, cajoling, or other controlling means, is for naught and at great cost to our own personal development and serenity.  Others can and will change, if and when they choose.

Lastly, I believe that within the natural flow or energy force of life, lie innate wisdom and the potential for inner peace, and the solutions to many of our most challenging issues. I have learned that the more I am able to live my life in accordance with the currents of this rhythm, the more peace and serenity I am blessed to have.

I have also learned many times over that the key to living in this flow is my being willing and able to relinquish control.  Releasing control frees the currents and offers us the opportunity to glide intuitively, creatively, and spiritually within them.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

Thank you for your visit today.  I encourage you to subscribe to my RSS feed or sign up to receive my posts by email.  Future posts on the Decontrol Yourself blog will explore effective tools and strategies for letting go of control.  I’ll also share the many benefits that you will enjoy when you do.

Take it Easy,

Danny Miller
Author, Losing Control, Finding Serenity:  How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go