Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows”

| October 2, 2019

We all have uncomfortable lulls in our lives where we feel things are at a standstill, or when we have nothing interesting or productive to engage us, or when we simply feel stuck.

Even the word lull itself makes me feel a certain dread.

My lulls often occur after I’ve completed a project or endeavor in which I was actively engaged, particularly when it was enjoyable and gratifying.

Most recently, I have experienced a lull after the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance.  It was thrilling and deeply rewarding that the book received several major book awards and became an Amazon best seller in multiple categories, and even more so when readers shared with me how much the book had helped them.

An unsettling lull then set in as I took a breather from book marketing.  This one has lasted longer than most.

I have a lot of time on my hands for the first time in the seven years that it took to write and publish the book. And I’m not good with too much time on my hands. I begin to “think” and question too much.

I wondered whether I should I write another book, maybe a journal or guidebook to help people practice acceptance or one that examines the important relationship and links between control and acceptance.  I also wondered whether I should pursue speaking opportunities to further carry the positive messages about acceptance, or whether maybe I should go back to painting, which has taken a back seat to my writing endeavors in recent years?

But, truth be told, I have no real desire to do these things—at least not now.  I began feeling lethargic and have less energy, especially on the tennis court playing the game I love.   (My feet didn’t feel like moving on the court and my game suffered.)

I also began feeling low, even somewhat depressed, although I wasn’t really in touch with it or what may be behind it.

Having both a “Lull” and a “Low” made me think and question even more.

It then hit me what was really going on. I was in denial.  Denial that I would soon be turning 76 and what all that meant.  This was one birthday I was definitely not looking forward to celebrating. My “stinking” thinking kept reminding me that 80 was just around the corner—and that didn’t feel good to me at all!

I half jokingly told my wife, Sigute, that I think I had bypassed a mid-life crisis and may now be having a “later life” one.

She kindly offered some very sage advice.  She suggested I:

“Lean” into my feelings.    By that she meant, try to feel and stay with the unsettling feelings—in my case dread, loss, a sense of emptiness, and disheartenment–rather than trying to block or deflect them, and not to feel that something must be “wrong” in having them.

Although it has been said that feelings are not facts, they nonetheless are real and need to be processed in some manner. Leaning into or embracing them is one good way of doing that.

And also,

Practice Gratitude.   It’s easy to lose sight of all the blessings and good things we have in our lives when we are not feeling well.   There’s a large imbalance that needs to be corrected and awareness and gratitude brings us proper perspective of our “true reality.”   Her simple reminder was enough for me to start recounting my many blessings in the succeeding days, including having a wonderful family and friends, financial security, and good health.  This process works best for me when I verbalize or write them down.  (for more on this, read my post “The Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude”)

Another thing that helped was remembering something I had written about in The Gifts of Acceptance as a key to practicing acceptance, and that is, 

Embrace life’s impermanence.   Our reliance on life and things being fixed or permanent impacts our ability to handle the unexpected when it comes, which it inevitably does–and that includes lulls and lows.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes the suffering caused by resistance to impermanence very simply:

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

It thus behooves us to remember that life has both ups and downs and not to expect or rely otherwise, which only makes matters worse.

As I did these things, my unsettling feelings began to loosen their “hold” on me and I started feeling much better. And although I am still experiencing a little lull (which has lessened in writing this very post!), I no longer feel low.

I now accept that 76 is just a number, and it doesn’t define who I am or limit me. I know, too, that my accepting “what is” will allow me to discover “what might be!”

And what better confirmation of that is just three days ago my tennis partner and I upset the #1 doubles team in California in our age division!

In the mean time,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?

| December 26, 2011

 

The December 24 Books section of the Wall Street Journal features an article by Amy Chua, aka Tiger Mom, in which Ms. Chua attempts to justify her domineering parenting techniques as she continues to back peddle from the widespread criticism and anger that her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has provoked.

In the article Mrs. Chua makes undocumented and seemingly inaccurate assertions in support of her parenting methods, which is surprising coming from a law professor at Yale, one of this country’s most esteemed law schools.

Indeed, one may reasonably question whether this controlling Tiger Mom is a bit “out of control” herself.

Take, for example, her following assertion:

“Tiger parenting is all about raising independent, creative, courageous kids.   In America today, there’s a dangerous tendency to romanticize creativity in a way that may undermine it.  Take, for example, all the people who point to Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and conclude that the secret to innovation is dropping out of college.  In fact, both men exemplify extraordinary hard work and drive and resilience in the face of failure—exactly the qualities that tiger parenting seeks to promote.” (my emphasis.)

Is not the implication here that these important qualities were instilled in Steve Job and Mark Zuckerberg through tiger parenting?

Sorry, Ms. Chua, but Steve and Mark were not raised by tiger parents.

In a radio interview earlier this year, Dr. Edward Zuckerberg (Mark’s dad), shared his parenting beliefs as follows:

“Probably the best thing I can say is something that my wife and I have always believed in. Rather than impose upon your kids or try and steer their lives in a certain direction, to recognize what their strengths are and support their strengths and support the development of the things they’re passionate about.”

Further, in responding to a question about Ms. Chua’s book, Dr. Zuckerberg remarked, “I think that extremes in any form in parenting are not good.  Children need to be well rounded.   There’s a place for work and a place for play.”

(Less is known about the parenting style of Steve Job’s now deceased adopted parents, but there is no indication that they were domineering parents.   To the contrary, a neighbor referred to Job’s dad as being very supportive of him and that Jobs did pretty much what he wanted to do as a child.

Do these sound like the words of a tiger parent?

Other assertions in the article are equally questionable.   Ms. Chua states (again without citing any supporting studies or evidence) that,  “I’ve found that tiger cubs raised in America have really high emotional intelligence.  For one thing, they’ve spent their whole lives maneuvering around their crazy, strict parents.”

If this is what it takes to develop high emotional intelligence in children, let us pray for them.

But wait.  There’s more.   Ms. Chua confides that what “drives me the craziest may be the charge that tiger parenting produces robots and automatons,” just after telling us that we are missing the key point to tiger parenting:

“It’s only about very early child-rearing, and it’s most effective when your kids are between the ages of, say, 5 and 12.   When practiced correctly, tiger parenting can produce kids who are more daring and self-reliant—not less.”

I see, so if we hammer it in during our children’s informative years, we will produce creative and self-reliant children that can then go on their merry way.    Ms. Chua, I for one, am glad that Dr. Zuckerberg took a supportive, balanced approach in raising his son and from what we know, Mr. Jobs did the same with his son.

Tiger Parents need to lose some control.

I have expressed in both Losing Control, Finding Serenity and this blog the importance of finding the right balance between control and surrender in vital aspects of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

In fact, for me this is the Fundamental Parental Challenge we face today: namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.  (For some guidelines on how to meet this difficult challenge, see my post, “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Tiger parenting is synonymous with domineering parenting, no matter how you may wish to justify or defend it.  I believe it is an extreme, unnuanced form of parenting that seriously risks harming our children’s full and healthy development, denying them their passions, and impeding independent, original thinking—the very type of thinking that made Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg visionaries.

Indeed, we would have fewer Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerbergs in our world, were tiger parenting to become widely accepted and followed.

I issue the following challenge to Tiger Parents:

Try—just try—giving up a little control in raising your children.  Allow them to choose and have more say about when and how they study and the activities they like; to stay up late sometimes; to be silly and playful; and, to follow their healthy passions even though it’s not what you want for them.

You just might be surprised if you do.   You might have well-rounded, creative, joyous,  self-achievers running around your household!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Are Control Freaks Healthy?

| September 14, 2011

“Are Alpha Males Healthy?” is the lead article in the Personal Journal section of the September 13 Wall Street Journal.    Alphas are “ambitious, assertive, confident and competitive,” says psychiatrist T.Byram Karasu in the article—all control-like behaviors.   It is thus pretty clear that most excessive controllers are Alpha males—and females.

The article cites extensive studies showing that Alphas experience far more stress than others and that their exhausting ways take a severe physical toll on them.

Are Excessive Controllers Healthy?

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let it Go  and on this blog I write extensively about the tolls that excessive controllers endure.   Here are just a few:

1.   They have very little peace and serenity because they devote so much time and energy in constantly trying to control and direct people and things that are beyond their real control.

2.   Their lives are constantly out of balance because they are so intensely focused on attaining their “perceived” needs, that they are unaware of the beauty that is all around them and unable to pursue and enjoy creative, recreational, and social involvements that could vastly improve their lives.

3.  Their close relationships lack trust and intimacy because friends and loved ones resent being told what is best for them and how they should act and be.

4.   They are burdened by the constant “what ifs” and “what might happens” that their fears stoke.

Control Less and be Healthier, Happier and Wiser!

This is perhaps a simplistic way of saying what I strongly believe and have personally experienced.    I have repeatedly found that the more I am able to let go of control in such vital areas of my life, such as parenting, love, work, relationships and creative endeavors, the greater joy, connection—and balance—that is bestowed upon me.

I thus encourage you to try letting go of control and enjoy the many rewards that will be yours.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Gop–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Writing Love Poems by Letting Go of Control

| August 16, 2011

For me, composing poems encompasses letting go of control, particularly in the sense of not overthinking and overanalyzing them.

I begin with my intention and then jot down words and phrases that evoke that intention, not really concerning myself where they may eventually fit, or whether I will even use them.

I then put these short sketches away—literally and mentally—sometimes for several months.   When I later take a fresh look at them, I usually revise and expand them.   As this process continues, I am careful not to presss for completion.  I trust that the right words and structure will be revealed in due course.

The process is very much akin to planting a seed (of thought or intention), watering it from time to time, and letting it bloom in its own time and way.

The following love poem written in celebration of my marriage to my wife, Sigute, over fifteen years ago evolved in this manner.   I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did in writing it.*

FIRST LOVE

Not earlier loves,
Forged by expectant young hearts
And minds more lustful
Than wise.

Where changes came fast,
But few as one.
And where our child’s past
Fogged our marital screens.

Not loves where souls still searched,
And hearts still yearned.
Where vulnerable bruises
Went unheeded with loud cries.

No, I speak of a love more wise,
Between two people more whole.
One graced with clear vision
And teachings from mistakes past.

A love that honors thy self,
As much as the union.
That lightens the spirit,
And inspires the mind.

One whose pillars are trust and respect,
And mortar truth and honesty.
And whose greener grass
Lies within its fence.

Yes, I speak of a Love
Where souls dance with grace,
And where full hearts and warm bodies
Securely embrace.

This Love of which I speak
Is…Last Love.
This Love of which I speak
Is…First Love.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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*You may read more of my poems here

COPYRIGHT 2010 BY DANIEL A. MILLER
The above poem can not be copied, altered, reproduced, or published without the prior express written consent of Daniel A. Miller. However, you are free to share them with your friends with proper accreditation!  Thank you for respecting these creative rights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Serenity

| July 2, 2011

As the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am sometimes asked what I mean by “serenity.”

I realize that serenity means different things to different people.    For many, it means peace and tranquility.   For others, it means harmony.    I’ve also heard some people express that it simply means being comfortable in their “own skin.”

As I use it in my book and writings, I intend it to mean all these things—and more.   It is an expansive term;  one that viscerally evokes a core sense of “well being” and freedom and contentment.

“Serenity” thus encompasses  all of these positive feelings and states of being.

An instrumental way in which we can have greater serenity in our lives is by giving up control—particularly those types and forms of control triggered by our strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, resentment and anger.

More specifically, losing control leads to conditions that result in greater serenity. For example, it reduces stress and anxiety;  lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.

That is why so much of my writings in this blog, as well as in my book, is devoted to exploring  methods and ways (“decontrol tools”) in which we can lose control in such vital areas of our lives as parenting, family, intimate relations,  friendships, work and creative endeavors.   Even the short cue at the end of my posts is one such way.

In the meantime, remember

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!

 

Danny

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Losing Control, Finding Flow

| June 17, 2011

We often hear people talk about “going with the flow” when discussing  how they intend to deal with important issues and challenges in their lives.   I think for most, that means they wish to engage matters as they naturally arise, without forcing or resisting.

However, what we hear very little about is how we can actually do it.

I would like to share some ways that have allowed me to access the  flow state, which, for me, is that state of grace where things seem to come to us—almost effortlessly–rather than we to them; where openness and freedom of thought and ideas spring forth almost magically; and where we are aware and grounded.

The Wave

Following a very difficult period of my life twenty-five years ago (and well  before I thought about writing my current book) I began exploring and writing about the idea of being able to glide within “life’s natural currents.”

The metaphor that came closest to the vision of a peaceful life I desired was riding ocean waves.

I thought of there being a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer.  Some  simply vanishing .  Many changing course.  We have no influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.  As soon as one crests near us, we can extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and glide with it.  If we encounter turbulence, which we always will, we can find ways to protect ourselves.

I even coined my own nautical parlance, such as  “go with the Wave”,  “ride the Wave”, “navigate the currents” and “float with the swells”.  Just verbalizing it in this manner was (and is) very soothing to me.

Indeed, the Wave has played such an important part in improving my life that I included it as the final chapter of Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

Losing Control

I learned that the best way to access the Wave is by letting go of control.   I thus explored effective, practical ways—which I now call “decontrol tools”—that enabled me to more easily let go of control in such vital areas as parenting,  family and friends,  love and romance,  my creative endeavors and at work.   I even found effective ways to do it with my favorite past time, tennis.  I write about these decontrol tools in depth in my book, as well as in this blog.

Finding Flow

Simply put, when you lose control, you find flow.

When you let go of control, it frees life’s “natural currents” and you can then participate in those those currents in an expansive and intuitive manner and discover life’s possibilities.   I quickly learned that the rewards are often unexpected and remarkable.   Turmoil and conflict disappear.  Intimacy and bonds with friends, family and loved ones strengthen significantly.     Fears and worries leave us.    And work becomes less stressful and more profitable.

I encourage you this week to start letting go of control and enjoy life’s flow!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Expand Your Life Options by Letting Go of Control

| October 18, 2010

 

 

A major benefit of letting go of control is that it expands your life options.  The very intensity and obsessiveness of our controlling actions obscure our vision, and we literally are unable to see the opportunities that are right before us.

This dynamic is like the “farsightedness” that results when we intensely search for something we have misplaced.  How many times have you searched relentlessly for your keys or cell phone, but to no avail?   And then when you finally stop looking for them, you quickly spot them, right there in front of you.

My Obsessive Search Bore No Fruit

After acquiring a beautiful dining room set three years ago, I was set upon finding a vintage art deco light fixture to complement it. I became obsessed with finding the right fixture.   I had a clear vision of the type of fixture I wanted and nothing else would do.  For two years, I unsuccessfully scoured Los Angeles lighting stores.  I repeatedly visited one store in particular—Liz’s Hardware—known for its vintage light fixtures.  I had high hopes that the right fixture might eventually appear.  Nothing did. I finally gave up.

After I stopped Searching, “Fruition” Came

A few months later, my wife and I were enjoying a Saturday afternoon together.  She asked if I wanted to see if anything new had come in at Liz’s.  To her surprise, I said “No, I’ve given up searching for the piece.”  Unbelievably, less than thirty minutes later we passed a store with an unusual store front.  From the outside, the only thing you could see were two old fashioned cameras on tripods pointing at white partitions.  I was intrigued, turned around and parked.

As we entered the store, an unusual, very eclectic potpourri of art and furniture greeted us on all sides.  The store felt otherworldly.  Stepping into a back room, we glanced up and saw unusual metal sculpture pieces attached to twisted iron cords that hung down from the high ceiling—to which were randomly attached glowing lights shaped like ostrich eggs.  Indeed, the store manager informed us that some of the fixtures were ostrich eggs that had been pierced so the light could shine through.

We immediately placed an order for a fixture; it now graces our dining room with its inviting light.

I would never have found this beautiful, functional art piece had I continued my high expectation, insistent, controlling ways.  It was only when I removed my expectations and stopped actively looking for what I thought I needed that the currents were “released” and brought opportunity into my life.  The results were even better than I’d expected.  The piece is not only totally different than what I was so set on finding, but it is also well beyond any beauty that I could have imagined possible.

Removing the Blinders

I know from repeated experience in all areas of my life that when I lose control, my blinders are removed, my vision vastly expands, and I become more aware of the wonders that are around me.

Whether at work or at home, and whether in art or in performance, you will benefit immensely from the options and unexpected opportunities that arise when you are willing to step back and allow the “currents” to flow naturally.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny Miller

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