judging others Archives - Daniel Miller

Do you ever find yourself rolling your eyes over what someone does? Or shaking your head in judgment of their choices or the way they are? Or find yourself thinking or saying things like “You’re doing it all wrong!”, “He talks too much”, or “They’re way too indulgent with their kids.”

These kinds of gratuitous, self-righteous judgments, some would say, “are none of our business.”They have a certain “know-it-all-ness” to them; a “we know better” than others. Yet, little do we know or consider the reasons or contexts in which people act or make their decisions. Nor do we account for our personal biases and prejudices.

Moreover, such judgments can easily invoke resentment and push people away, and divert our attention from making better choices for ourselves. In many respects, judging is a diversionary tactic that distracts us from taking stock of our lives and improving our own shortcomings. And it doesn’t change how people believe or act in any meaningful sense. If anything, judging puts people on the defensive and their views become hardened.

In short, no good comes from it!

As a controller by nature, the judgment barrier has been an ongoing challenge for me to overcome. It’s such an ingrained habit, that much of the time I am not aware that I’m judging. It takes many forms; some overt, some subtle. Criticizing, admonishing, shaming, being smug, dismissive, and sarcastic are a few prevalent ways we judge. So, too, sneers and snide smiles and other body language convey judgment. I’ve done them all.

The thing is, many of my judgments have proved to be dead wrong. During my first year of law school, I harshly judged one of my classmates while waiting for the instructor to arrive. The classroom had rows of desks tiered upward toward the back on rising levels. My classmate suddenly jumped on top of his desk in the rear and boldly walked on top of desks to the front of the room.

Most classmates laughed loudly. Not me. I was very angry. I thought, “What a jerk and a-hole. All he wants is attention.” I didn’t want to have anything to do with him after that.

Five years after we graduated law school this “jerk” became my most trusted friend and later was the best man at my wedding! He did continue to draw a lot of attention, though. He selflessly served as the Public Defender of Los Angeles County for over fifteen years, supervising over 700 attorneys, and was widely recognized for his efforts in helping reform state and national criminal justice systems.

So I guess I misjudged! And the irony of it is not lost on me: his last name was Judge. I miss him dearly.

So, I often ask myself why do I continue to judge so much? What is my motive? Does it make me feel better or superior in some way? Maybe for a short moment, but it’s a sure sign of my lack of humility. I also ponder what purpose it serves. Do I think it will change or help the other person in some way? Sometimes I do, but it rarely does, if at all. And no one’s ever thanked me for my judgments, that’s for sure!

It has also occurred to me that my judging may be an indication of some shortcoming in myself. Concerning the incident with my law school classmate, for example, I was a very reserved, even shy person. Perhaps seeing someone be so bold, carefree, and “out there” accentuated my own insecurities.

Above all, I believe to judge less, we need to be more accepting. When we accept people and things as they are, there is little need for us to judge them.

Let’s begin the new year by letting go of judging!

Here are a few Inquiries and Reflections that can help you do that:

Make note of your judgments for a day, or even half a day. Be sure to include the silent ones that you keep to yourself.

What feelings or beliefs are behind your judgments? Do they serve any useful purpose?

How often do you judge yourself? What do you gain by it? Are they the same kinds of things that you judge others by?

…………………………….

In the meantime, Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*Part of this post was taken from my upcoming book, “The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents.” Please leave your email address at info@losingcontrolfindingsrenity.com to receive special discount pricing when the book is published.

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Letting Go of Judgment in The Time of Coronavirus

(6^th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“)

I’ve always struggled with being too judgmental of others. I’ve worked a lot on being less so, but it takes constant awareness—not only that I’m judging, but also how it impacts my overall well being and serenity. (More on that later)

I’ve noticed that my inclination to judge others has risen in The Time of Coronavirus. It is likely due to my having greater “dis-ease” and impatience these days—and sometimes getting agitated over little things. (See my post, “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

As a result, I’m more likely to judge or question why people are doing or acting the way they do. I forget that these are not normal times, and most people are often not acting “normally.”

A recent example is when I reacted strongly when a good friend asked me to share a video with my friends in which a disgruntled scientist made some disparaging remarks about a well known scientist who has played a prominent public role in combating the COVID 19 Pandemic.

After viewing the video, I had doubts about the veracity of some of its accusatory statements. I found several articles that provided evidence disputing the scientist’s main claims and admonished my friend about promoting the video to his friends without first fact checking the claims.

I sent him the articles, but that didn’t defray him. He was convinced about the merits–and adamant–about what he was doing.

The truth of the matter is that I judged my friend harshly for his beliefs and actions. I felt the video was untruthful and wanted him to stop—signs of a true controller and judger!

When I later thought about my actions, certain things about judging became clearer to me.

*Most judgments serve no real purpose or benefit. It’s unlikely to change the way people are or act. If anything, it puts them on the defensive and they are likely to resist and dig in harder.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express our views and beliefs on matters that are important to us, but rather to not dismiss or disparage others’ views without first making an effort to listen and hear them out. (See my post, “Acceptance Conversations as Peacemakers”)

*We are not accepting others for who and how they are.

I didn’t have to approve or condone what my friend was saying or doing, but I should have accepted he had the right to express his own views and make his own choices, provided they didn’t harm me or those I care about.

The short of it is,

When we judge, we can’t accept.

*We are often being righteous and arrogant. There is a certain “know-it-all-ness” when we judge. We believe we know better than others and what the “real” truth is. However, we easily disregard our own personal biases. I certainly was that way with my friend.

In deed, I don’t think

A judger has ever been accused of having too much humility!

Even when we wish to judge less, we are often unaware that we are in fact judging. Judging takes many forms. Criticism, curtness, withdrawal, smugness, and having unreasonable expectations are just a few of the ways we voice our judgments.

In many ways, judging is a counterproductive diversionary tactic. It diverts us from taking stock of those parts of us, especially our shortcomings, that don’t serve us well. It further diverts us from making an effort to improve upon them.

At its core, judging is a controlling mechanism that harms primarily ourselves.

I thus encourage you to temper your judgments and try to be more understanding and tolerant of others. In doing so, you will control less and accept more, and thereby enjoy greater peace and serenity in The Time of Coronavirus—and afterwards, as well!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99