Q: What is wrong with trying to control the circumstances of our lives?
A: It’s important to distinguish between those circumstances that are set or fixed and those that are not. There is a broad range of events and circumstances that we cannot change or control: computer glitches, equipment failures, flight cancelations, and bureaucratic inefficiencies, to name just a few.
We also can’t change people’s basic natures and ways–as much as we may wish to. (more…)
Q: Romantic relationships can be stressful, especially when we try to “improve” or change our partner’s behavior and habits. How can accepting our loved one for who they are enhance our love bond?
A: I don’t think any of us like being told by our mates how we should act or behave, or to be someone other than whom we are. Such pressure makes us feel “less than” or not good enough. Who want to feel that in matters of the heart? (more…)
Q: How can letting go of control allay some of the fear and anxiety associated with the current economic uncertainty brought about by Covid-19?
A: The feeling of being powerless over our finances (and job prospects) can be extremely discomfiting and stressful–perhaps more so now than ever. Our fear and anxiety compel us to control more.
However, when we try to control too much, we are putting “blinders” on ourselves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that could make life (and finances) better for us. (more…)
Q: Is it difficult to let go of control? Where does one begin?
A: Letting go of control can be extremely difficult because we have been raised with control; it is taught to us and all around us. Our parents, bosses, teachers, and religious leaders—much of what they do is control based.
Control is thus what we have come to know. It is what we think works for us (which I strongly refute in Losing Control, Finding Serenity). As such, it is a deeply engrained habit—one in which we feel very uncomfortable and even insecure in giving up.
The first step in changing the propensity to control is to become better aware of your controlling ways. Many of us have little inkling of how much, how often, and in what we ways we try to control people and things around us. We can see it in others, but much less so in ourselves.
Control can be subtle. Suggesting or reminding too frequently, encouraging too strongly, or preaching too intently are common control devices. Enabling our children and loved ones is another.
The “decontrol” process starts with an honest inventory of your controlling patterns. To do this, you have to reign in your ego and muster the courage to see yourself as you are—blemishes and all.
For example, are you typically judgmental? Highly opinionated? Overly critical? Too aggressive?
Questions to Ponder:
“Can you identify two ways you controlled today?”
“Are you fearful of what might happen if you let go of a pressing matter for a day?
Please share your answers with me!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.
Q: How does our need to control stiffen life’s possibilities?
A: When we focus too intently on trying to control or change people and things we are putting “blinders” on our selves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that are before us. We are too closed-minded and not open to new ideas and ways of doing things.
Life is in a constant state of motion; fluid, shifting, changing, always moving. As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—and that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do. The result is much the same as if you tried to grab on to a rapidly moving conveyor belt; you may slow it down temporarily, but you would ultimately get burned or dragged along!
So let go of control and expand life’s possibilities!
Questions to Ponder:
Q: “Have you ever felt the freedom and lightness of ‘going with the flow?’”
Q: “Was there a sense of ‘letting go’ associated with it?”
Please share your responses with me and others!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you found this post helpful, please “like” it on your Facebook Page and share it with others.
Q: What does a person gain when they relinquish control?
A: They gain greater vision and clarity—and ultimately greater serenity.
Relinquishing control (or, as I sometimes say, losing control) frees life’s “natural currents” and allows us to engage those currents in a more intuitive and expansive manner, thereby enhancing our life paths. In doing so, it reduces stress and anxiety; lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and closer bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.
The intensity of our controlling actions obstructs our vision and we are unable to “see” the options and make the choices that would vastly improve our lives—emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and even financially. Instead we are immersed in our fears and worries because of our not accepting life as it is.
Questions to ponder:
Q: “Have troublesome issues ever improved when you surrendered control?”
Q: “Have meaningful choices appeared when you stopped pressing?”
Please share your responses with me and others!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you found this post helpful, please “like” it on your Facebook Page and share it with others.
The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.
Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.
Below is the first one. Others will follow in upcoming posts.
Q: What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes?
A: FEAR! Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions. We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses. In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive. That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.
Questions for You to Ponder:
“What core fears propel you to control?”
“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways? How ?”
Please share your responses with me!
In the meantime,
“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you found this post helpful, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.
Letting Go of Judgment in The Time of Coronavirus
(6th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“)
I’ve always struggled with being too judgmental of others. I’ve worked a lot on being less so, but it takes constant awareness—not only that I’m judging, but also how it impacts my overall well being and serenity. (More on that later)
I’ve noticed that my inclination to judge others has risen in The Time of Coronavirus. It is likely due to my having greater “dis-ease” and impatience these days—and sometimes getting agitated over little things. (See my post, “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)
As a result, I’m more likely to judge or question why people are doing or acting the way they do. I forget that these are not normal times, and most people are often not acting “normally.”
A recent example is when I reacted strongly when a good friend asked me to share a video with my friends in which a disgruntled scientist made some disparaging remarks about a well known scientist who has played a prominent public role in combating the COVID 19 Pandemic.
After viewing the video, I had doubts about the veracity of some of its accusatory statements. I found several articles that provided evidence disputing the scientist’s main claims and admonished my friend about promoting the video to his friends without first fact checking the claims.
I sent him the articles, but that didn’t defray him. He was convinced about the merits–and adamant–about what he was doing.
The truth of the matter is that I judged my friend harshly for his beliefs and actions. I felt the video was untruthful and wanted him to stop—signs of a true controller and judger!
When I later thought about my actions, certain things about judging became clearer to me.
*Most judgments serve no real purpose or benefit. It’s unlikely to change the way people are or act. If anything, it puts them on the defensive and they are likely to resist and dig in harder.
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express our views and beliefs on matters that are important to us, but rather to not dismiss or disparage others’ views without first making an effort to listen and hear them out. (See my post, “Acceptance Conversations as Peacemakers”)
*We are not accepting others for who and how they are.
I didn’t have to approve or condone what my friend was saying or doing, but I should have accepted he had the right to express his own views and make his own choices, provided they didn’t harm me or those I care about.
The short of it is,
When we judge, we can’t accept.
*We are often being righteous and arrogant. There is a certain “know-it-all-ness” when we judge. We believe we know better than others and what the “real” truth is. However, we easily disregard our own personal biases. I certainly was that way with my friend.
In deed, I don’t think
A judger has ever been accused of having too much humility!
Even when we wish to judge less, we are often unaware that we are in fact judging. Judging takes many forms. Criticism, curtness, withdrawal, smugness, and having unreasonable expectations are just a few of the ways we voice our judgments.
In many ways, judging is a counterproductive diversionary tactic. It diverts us from taking stock of those parts of us, especially our shortcomings, that don’t serve us well. It further diverts us from making an effort to improve upon them.
At its core, judging is a controlling mechanism that harms primarily ourselves.
I thus encourage you to temper your judgments and try to be more understanding and tolerant of others. In doing so, you will control less and accept more, and thereby enjoy greater peace and serenity in The Time of Coronavirus—and afterwards, as well!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.
**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99
The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people. We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.
Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”
I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety: Let Go of Control!
Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.
Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more during the holidays if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?
You can—by letting go of control. Here are some holiday decontrol tips that will assist you.
Try not to expect too much of others, especially family. As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment—and the harmful control actions warned against in recovery books. It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act. After all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves. And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.
For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a holiday dinner or party, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen. Instead trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur and still enjoy the reunion.
Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions. Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush. Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way. Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully. To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.
Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking. Don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.” Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen! Instead, trust that everything will work out as it was meant to be. By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.
Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. I devote an entire chapter to embracing your Personal Truths in Losing Control, Finding Serenity.
In simple terms, this involves identifying and processing the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.
For example, if you are feeling anxious because of all the things you feel you want or need to do during the holidays, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it. Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically. Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it. As many recovery books suggest, “Embrace” it, if you will. Ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t? The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.
Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.
If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will enjoy the holidays more. You might even look forward to them!
In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season. And remember to,
Let It Go!
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on our Facebook page and share it with your friends.
How often do you find yourself wondering, “where has all the time gone today—or this week?” I wonder about that fairly often and my guess is that most people do as well—and it’s an issue that constantly frustrates control freaks. There is no question (in my mind, at least) that our ever-complex, technology driven world absorbs bundles of our time—ironically, often through the use of “time-saving” devices such as texting, googling, using engaging apps, and the like. Similarly, most time-saving strategies simply make room for us to do more things with our time, rather than relieving time related stress and pressure.
Consequently, we always feel woefully short of time. Leslie Perlow of the Harvard School of Business has aptly coined the phrase “time famine” to describe this time quandary.
There is another (and easily overlooked) reason that many of us find ourselves short of time: We are too controlling.
Losing Control, Finding Time
Constantly trying to control or change others or things takes inordinate amounts of time.
Think about it for a moment. All the time and effort you put into fruitless control efforts deprive you from doing many of the things you would like to do, but don’t have the time to do!
As I have repeatedly expressed in this blog and in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (an Amazon Best Seller now for 5 years in a row), people will truly change only when they are ready and willing to do so, and all our advising, pressuring, pleading, etc., is for naught.
Simply put, we are powerless over changing others—at least in any meaningful way.
So why not lose control and find more time—a lot more! In past posts I shared some effective decontrol tools.
Here’s for changing your time famine to a time surplus! Click through to learn more about control freaks and how to solve your own issues with detachment.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go!
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.
Many people sincerely wish to stop trying to control their important relationships and practice acceptance, but find it very difficult to do so. They realize that it would be better for others, as well as themselves.
It may be a mother who knows that it is best not to constantly come to the “rescue” of her children when they are careless or forgetful, lest it deprives them of learning to be more responsible. It may be a mate or partner who knows that constantly nagging his or her counterpart impacts trust and intimacy. Or it may be a supervisor who wishes to delegate more tasks to his team so that they can better develop their skills, while at the same time allow him or her to devote more time to critical work needs.
Whatever the relationship may be,
The keys to letting go of control are almost always the same.
In Losing Control, Finding Serenity I provide a broad array of tools and techniques for relinquishing control in all types of relationships, but for now here are five effective ones you can try.
1. Learn to accept others as they are. The more you accept the idiosyncrasies, irritants, and “flaws” of others, the less you will feel the need to control them.
2. Face and process your relationship fears. Most controlling actions are fear based. Try to identify your relationship fears and then examine how real or significant they are. Most of the time, they are more imagined, than real.
3. Focus on improving your own shortcomings. This will take the focus off trying to change others and place it where it will be most impactful: yourself!
4. Lower your expectations of others. The more you expect from others, the more you will try to control them. Click here to read my blog post, Tips for Letting Go of High Expectations.
5. Recognize that you cannot meaningfully control others. At bottom, excessive control represents our attempt to change another’s very nature and spirit. But because another’s true spirit cannot be changed—except by that person alone—our efforts to do so are not only fruitless, they are also harmful.
What do you do to let go of control in your important relationships? Please share your acceptance stories with me.
Visit this link to discover more ways to practice acceptance.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “Whaat Is!”
Danny
If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.
When my doctor checked my pulse and blood pressure at a recent physical exam, my pulse was only 47—well below the 60-80 norm—and my blood pressure was a healthy 98/68. Admittedly, I exercise regularly, but leaving the doctor’s office I wondered whether that alone would account for such good readings—especially for a 70 year old.
It then occurred to me that the readings might also be attributable to the fact that I am now much better at letting go of control in important areas of my life (work, children, loved ones, friends and the like).
In other words, could letting go of control be a valuable key to a healthier heart?
I believe it is. Medical research and studies confirm that our hearts are adversely impacted by excessive stress, worry, fear, and anger.
And, quite simply:
*When we control less, we stress less;
*When we control less, we worry less;
*When we control less, we fear less; and,
*When we control less, we resent less.
If this all seems too “non-scientific” to you, I encourage you to try the following:
1. In the morning or evening of the first day, measure your blood pressure and pulse.
2. For the next three days, endeavor to let go of control the best you can at work, with your children, close relationships, and troublesome concerns. Don’t pressure, force, resist—or persist. Just accept, allow, trust and let be. I understand that this may not be easy—especially if you have the propensity to be a controller. The key is to simply try your best. It’s a matter of progress, not perfection. Striving for perfection induces control-based actions. *To assist yourself, try some of the Decontrol Tips and Tools described in my posts in that category at the right column of this page.
3. After three days, again measure your blood pressure and pulse at about the same time that you did on the first day.
4. Finally, do the simple math to determine if and/or how much your pulse and blood pressure have improved.
Admittedly, there can be many unaccounted for variables that impact your results.
However, you have nothing to lose by taking the test—and here’s why:
Even if the results are not conclusive, I am quite confident that you will have less stress, worry, fear, and anger—and more peace and serenity!
These and other benefits will increase further as you become better and better at letting go of control. It definitely takes commitment and practice—and at times courage—but it is well worth the effort. Eventually, letting go of control will become a more natural, intuitive way of living and engaging people and things.
I would love to hear how your heart test went. Were your pulse and blood pressure lower? Did you have less stress and anxiety? Were the decontrol days more enjoyable?
Here’s to your healthier heart!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–And Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.