The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents

| November 10, 2021


I wanted to acquaint you with a new book I am writing.   Its title is The Wave: Navigating Life’s Currents.

The mystery, randomness, and freeness of ocean waves  (high and low tides, riptides and undertows, crests, swells, murky waters, etc.) serve as a metaphor for an expansive life path that closely parallels surfing or riding waves.

The book explores how we can meaningfully navigate the currents in all aspects of our lives—work, love, friendships, parenting, aging, sports and performance, and creative endeavors, and enjoy the many gifts that follow.

Formidable wave “barriers” such as control, judgment, fear, denial, high expectations, limited thinking, and unclear boundaries are examined together with wave “enhancers” such as trust, acceptance, humility, and intuition.

Below is an excerpt from The Wave.  I welcome your comments, suggestions, and experiences about riding the wave.

If you wish to be kept abreast of the book’s progress and receive future excerpts, please email info@losingcontrolfindingserenity.com

And remember to,

Let It Go-and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

………………………….

THE WAVE

” When you observe nature for any period, you can sense the presence of a natural process or rhythm.  You may notice it in the way leaves fall from a tree, gently floating down to form eloquent patterns on the grass.  Or as I first did, watching the way ocean waves build, crest, flow and change course in an endless variety of movements.

At such moments, we sense that the life force or energy we are experiencing is unpredictable and unknowable yet has an innate and vast intelligence all its own, one well beyond our capacity to understand.

We also realize that, as mysterious as this universal rhythm is, we are a part of it.

I refer to this rhythm as the Wave or life’s currents.  It is intrinsically truthful and cannot be controlled or manipulated.  It just “is”, and though it may feel ancient, it is always present.

There is a noticeable cohesiveness to it; a harmony of co-existence; a wisdom and mystery waiting to be discovered.

Ralph Waldo Emerson poetically described this rhythm of truth as:“There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life…then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

Before that day at the beach many years ago, I had no inkling of such a guidance.   I had been too engulfed in futile battles and engagements.

Today I feel the comfort of its presence when I sit in my back yard early mornings, listening to the cheerful medleys of song birds and the cooing of doves, watching the branches of my magnificent olive tree gently swaying as they reach toward the sky, and the ground squirrels scampering around its limbs.

Indeed, I feel it in the stillness and solitude of nature most anywhere; when I hug an oak tree; inhale the strong  aroma of eucalyptus leaves; or watch colorful humming birds darting from flower to flower.

I also feel it most of the time when I’m painting or channeling verses that occasionally lead to poems.

I have come to learn that the more I am able to live my life in harmony with this natural rhythm, or ride the Wave, the more I am able to discover solutions to my most pressing and troubling concerns and enjoy the unplanned, spontaneous moments in life and marvel at the beauty all around me.

That is not to say that the rides are always smooth or easy, or without low tides and riptides.   I tumble often.   The difference now is that it is not for as long or as severe because I am more aware of how and why I slipped and have learned some ways to return.

Like Emerson, I believe “there is a guidance for each of us.” It is up to me to lowly listen and place myself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom.  Writing this book is part of my endeavor to do that and I hope encourage readers to discover their waves.

It also is to remind me that I am not the only wave in the ocean and that I need to accept, respect, and honor the waves of others, lest I find myself “making waves!”

As expressed earlier, for me the metaphor that comes closest to the vision of aligning with this natural rhythm are ocean waves.  The mystery, randomness, and freeness of waves closely parallel the expansive life path I am seeking.

Think about bodysurfing in the challenges you face.  There will be a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer.  Some will simply vanish.   Many will change course.

We have no control or influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.

As soon as one crests near us, we extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and try to glide with it.  We make adjustments along the way, if needed.  If we encounter turbulence, which we often will, we can protect ourselves; for example, wrapping our hands around our head if we are forcefully thrown asunder, or pulling out of the currents or diving beneath the waves.

Much of the time, though unpredictable, the ride will be smoother and often enjoyable, and at times even exhilarating.  And the lows not as severe or as long.

In a similar vein, consider how experienced surfers engage and ride waves.   First, they patiently observe how the waves are building and developing near them; when they sense there may be a good–and safe—one to ride, they paddle toward it, aligning their boards with the cresting wave; if it looks too strong or dangerous, they pull out and wait for another; if it looks good, they quickly paddle some more, hop on their board, and begin their ride.

Surfers accept that the waves, and not they, are in control; that they can easily be sent flying off their boards into crashing waters if they resist their flow.  They know, however, that they can enjoy exhilarating rides by aligning, and gliding, with the waves.

It is easy to discern the practices and attitudes that are essential for skillfully and safely surfing or riding waves: awareness, observation, acceptance, patience, humility, trust, instincts and intuition, and the willingness to surrender or let go of control.

It’s not as easy to discern the practices and attitudes that obstruct riding waves: control, arrogance, high expectations, judgment, denial, limited thinking, and fear.

We will see in the pages ahead that the very same factors, or wave “enhancers”and “barriers,” strongly impact how we  navigate our currents in work, love, friendships, parenting, aging, sports and performance, and creative endeavors.”

END OF EXCERPT

*If you enjoyed the excerpt, please share it with others and “like” it on your Facebook page.

 

 

 

 

The Genesis of The Gifts of Acceptance

| February 23, 2021

 The genesis of The Gifts of Acceptance:Embracing People and Things as They Are began with a short blog post I wrote almost 10 years ago titled “5 Good Reasons for Accepting People As They Are.”

The post quickly attained coveted first page appearance for Google searches on acceptance, and retains its high  ranking to this day.  The response motivated me to continue writing about the many aspects of the acceptance dynamic over the next five years, eventually culminating in the publication of the book in 2018.

The book won multiple book awards and has been an Amazon best seller now going on three years, for which I am deeply grateful.

It has been even more gratifying to see how the need for acceptance in our lives and the world has resonated so strongly with readers from around the world, as well as with reviewers and media hosts.    That need is greater and more challenging than ever before, particularly in the highly divisive social and political arenas.

I am republishing that first acceptance post today and will publish others in the coming weeks and months.   I hope you find them helpful!

5 Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you found this post helpful, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it others.

Overcoming Denial in The Time of Coronavirus

| July 15, 2020

(8th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus”)

Overcoming denial is a prerequisite to acceptance.  You can’t accept “what is” when you are unaware, can’t, or refuse to “see” the underlying reality of the situation.

This is perhaps even more true in The Time of Coronavirus. 

Denial is not just denying or rejecting a certain state of affairs.  Its subtler forms include wishful thinking, kidding ourselves, underestimating things, avoidance, or simply choosing to turn a blind eye.

I feel much of our responses to Covid 19 are of that nature. At the beginning, it was all too easy for me to discount or minimize its spread and impact on our lives.  And I am quite sure that I was not alone in believing that.

I frequently heard (and still do) what I consider denial based comments about Covid 19, such as the following:

“It’s not that harmful—the flu kills more people each year”

“They will soon find a vaccine”

“The virus will soon run its course”

“I’m young and in good health”

“Only old people are at risk”

“People are just running scared”

“It’s all politically based”

And the highly optimistic denial: “Things are getting much better now”

The problem is that when you are in denial of the underlying issue or problem,

You can’t make the choices and pursue the paths that can alleviate the very problems you are denying. 

Indeed, you risk making them worse!

A prime example is the early opening of restaurants, bars, gyms, and other gathering places by many states and local governments.   In almost every instance, there has been a huge spike in cases, deaths, and shortage of hospital and ICU beds.

I’ve previously offered ways to let go of denial in other contexts. (See my post, “Letting Go of Denial”).   One vital key is worth repeating:

We must be able to dispassionately see the “truth” and then have the courage and wherewithal to act upon it. 

I understand that people will see different versions of the truth and/or may choose to act in different ways upon it, especially in these highly divisive times.

Nonetheless, I encourage you to at least be willing to reexamine your deeply ingrained beliefs in order to gain a greater awareness of when, how, and what you may be denying in The Time of Coronavirus.   Remember, too, that when you deny less, you accept more, and will have greater serenity even during turbulent times.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

* To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during the coronavirus crisis, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Taking Stock in The Time of Coronavirus

| June 29, 2020

                (7th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus”)

The other day as I was sorting through some books that had accumulated on my small bedside table, I came across a “dream catcher” journal that someone had given me sixteen years ago for my 60th birthday.

Even though the journal had remained on a table shelf for all these years, I had only written a few entries. Most notable among them was a statement in which I desired to “live a whole, meaningful, free, and engaging life, and to share my wisdom with others.”

I felt heartened that I had made good progress toward achieving that goal.

Interestingly, the very next entry was a two-page assessment of things I liked about myself—my attributes, if you will—and those that I didn’t and wanted to change, improve upon, or remove.  The latter included being less critical of others, dealing with my anger early on, and not rushing so much.

It thus occurred to me that to effectively strive toward a life that is more fulfilling and meaningful, it is essential to first “take stock” of where and how we are at the moment.

A silver lining of the Covid 19 pandemic is that it provides us with a unique opportunity to do that.  There certainly is no shortage of time for most of us to try!

In fact, when you think about it, the immense challenges and hurdles we face in The Time of Coronavirus—emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially–compel us to take such action if we wish to avoid despair and the debilitating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I thus encourage you to start by making a personal accounting of yourself and your life.

In doing so, consider where you feel you fall short.  What things hold you back? What do you like about yourself and don’t you like about yourself?  What behavior makes you feel bad or guilty?What would you like to do better?  What things no longer serve you well?   And so on.

You will likely find certain recurring themes and impediments that consistently undermine your overall well-being.  Try to hone in on them one at a time, asking yourself this very simple, but pertinent question:

“How’s that working for me?”

Your answer will bring the issue front and center and allow no room for convenient excuses or rationalizations.  It can also motivate positive changes.

In your personal assessment, you will discover certain positive qualities and traits that you may not have been fully aware of, dismissed, or downplayed.  It’s important to remember that they are vital parts of who you are and you should give them their just due.   Your attributes play an important role in attaining the life you want.

It is also instructive to ponder the following question from the chapter “Discovering and Accepting Who We Are” in The Gifts of Acceptance:

“What do I need to change or ‘become’ in order to feel better about myself?” 

I encourage you to envision, reflect, meditate and write about what these things may be and how doing them might make you feel.  Then start doing them.

But do them without expectations or self-judgment.   And be grateful for partial successes, viewing setbacks merely as opportunities for further growth.

As you progress, the healing light of awareness will shine brightly on you during The Time of Coronavirus—and after, making it easier to choose what and who you want to become.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during The Time of Coronavirus I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

 

 

 

Letting Go of Judgment in The Time of Coronavirus

| June 9, 2020

  Letting Go of Judgment in The Time of Coronavirus 

(6th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“)

I’ve always struggled with being too judgmental of others.  I’ve worked a lot on being less so, but it takes constant awareness—not only that I’m judging, but also how it impacts my overall well being and serenity. (More on that later)

I’ve noticed that my inclination to judge others has risen in The Time of Coronavirus. It is likely due to my having greater “dis-ease” and impatience these days—and sometimes getting agitated over little things.  (See my post, “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

As a result, I’m more likely to judge or question why people are doing or acting the way they do.   I forget that these are not normal times, and most people are often not acting “normally.”

A recent example is when I reacted strongly when a good friend asked me to share a video with my friends in which a disgruntled scientist made some disparaging remarks about a well known scientist who has played a prominent public role in combating the COVID 19 Pandemic.

After viewing the video, I had doubts about the veracity of some of its accusatory statements.  I found several articles that provided evidence disputing the scientist’s main claims and admonished my friend about promoting the video to his friends without first fact checking the claims.

I sent him the articles, but that didn’t defray him.  He was convinced about the merits–and adamant–about what he was doing.

The truth of the matter is that I judged my friend harshly for his beliefs and actions.  I felt the video was untruthful and wanted him to stop—signs of a true controller and judger!

When I later thought about my actions, certain things about judging became clearer to me.

*Most judgments serve no real purpose or benefit.  It’s unlikely to change the way people are or act.  If anything, it puts them on the defensive and they are likely to resist and dig in harder.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express our views and beliefs on matters that are important to us, but rather to not dismiss or disparage others’ views without first making an effort to listen and hear them out.  (See my post, “Acceptance Conversations as Peacemakers”)

*We are not accepting others for who and how they are.

I didn’t have to approve or condone what my friend was saying or doing, but I should have accepted he had the right to express his own views and make his own choices, provided they didn’t harm me or those I care about.

The short of it is,

When we judge, we can’t accept. 

*We are often being righteous and arrogant. There is a certain “know-it-all-ness” when we judge.  We believe we know better than others and what the “real” truth is.   However, we easily disregard our own personal biases.  I certainly was that way with my friend.

In deed, I don’t think

A judger has ever been accused of having too much humility!

Even when we wish to judge less, we are often unaware that we are in fact judging.   Judging takes many forms.  Criticism, curtness, withdrawal,  smugness, and having unreasonable expectations are just a few of the ways we voice our judgments.

In many ways, judging is a counterproductive diversionary tactic.  It diverts us from taking stock of those parts of us, especially our shortcomings, that don’t serve us well.  It further diverts us from making an effort to improve upon them.

At its core, judging is a controlling mechanism that harms primarily ourselves.    

I thus encourage you to temper your judgments and try to be more understanding and tolerant of others.   In doing so, you will control less and accept more, and thereby enjoy greater peace and serenity in The Time of Coronavirus—and afterwards, as well!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

 

 

 

 

 

 

Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

| May 6, 2020

         (4th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more.  High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before.   Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient.   I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself.  I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.”    After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst.   Specifically, I expected that

  1. It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.
  1. That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.
  1. She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation: 

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus.  (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves.  (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!  

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus.    My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance  and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows”

| October 2, 2019

We all have uncomfortable lulls in our lives where we feel things are at a standstill, or when we have nothing interesting or productive to engage us, or when we simply feel stuck.

Even the word lull itself makes me feel a certain dread.

My lulls often occur after I’ve completed a project or endeavor in which I was actively engaged, particularly when it was enjoyable and gratifying.

Most recently, I have experienced a lull after the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance.  It was thrilling and deeply rewarding that the book received several major book awards and became an Amazon best seller in multiple categories, and even more so when readers shared with me how much the book had helped them.

An unsettling lull then set in as I took a breather from book marketing.  This one has lasted longer than most.

I have a lot of time on my hands for the first time in the seven years that it took to write and publish the book. And I’m not good with too much time on my hands. I begin to “think” and question too much.

I wondered whether I should I write another book, maybe a journal or guidebook to help people practice acceptance or one that examines the important relationship and links between control and acceptance.  I also wondered whether I should pursue speaking opportunities to further carry the positive messages about acceptance, or whether maybe I should go back to painting, which has taken a back seat to my writing endeavors in recent years?

But, truth be told, I have no real desire to do these things—at least not now.  I began feeling lethargic and have less energy, especially on the tennis court playing the game I love.   (My feet didn’t feel like moving on the court and my game suffered.)

I also began feeling low, even somewhat depressed, although I wasn’t really in touch with it or what may be behind it.

Having both a “Lull” and a “Low” made me think and question even more.

It then hit me what was really going on. I was in denial.  Denial that I would soon be turning 76 and what all that meant.  This was one birthday I was definitely not looking forward to celebrating. My “stinking” thinking kept reminding me that 80 was just around the corner—and that didn’t feel good to me at all!

I half jokingly told my wife, Sigute, that I think I had bypassed a mid-life crisis and may now be having a “later life” one.

She kindly offered some very sage advice.  She suggested I:

“Lean” into my feelings.    By that she meant, try to feel and stay with the unsettling feelings—in my case dread, loss, a sense of emptiness, and disheartenment–rather than trying to block or deflect them, and not to feel that something must be “wrong” in having them.

Although it has been said that feelings are not facts, they nonetheless are real and need to be processed in some manner. Leaning into or embracing them is one good way of doing that.

And also,

Practice Gratitude.   It’s easy to lose sight of all the blessings and good things we have in our lives when we are not feeling well.   There’s a large imbalance that needs to be corrected and awareness and gratitude brings us proper perspective of our “true reality.”   Her simple reminder was enough for me to start recounting my many blessings in the succeeding days, including having a wonderful family and friends, financial security, and good health.  This process works best for me when I verbalize or write them down.  (for more on this, read my post “The Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude”)

Another thing that helped was remembering something I had written about in The Gifts of Acceptance as a key to practicing acceptance, and that is, 

Embrace life’s impermanence.   Our reliance on life and things being fixed or permanent impacts our ability to handle the unexpected when it comes, which it inevitably does–and that includes lulls and lows.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes the suffering caused by resistance to impermanence very simply:

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

It thus behooves us to remember that life has both ups and downs and not to expect or rely otherwise, which only makes matters worse.

As I did these things, my unsettling feelings began to loosen their “hold” on me and I started feeling much better. And although I am still experiencing a little lull (which has lessened in writing this very post!), I no longer feel low.

I now accept that 76 is just a number, and it doesn’t define who I am or limit me. I know, too, that my accepting “what is” will allow me to discover “what might be!”

And what better confirmation of that is just three days ago my tennis partner and I upset the #1 doubles team in California in our age division!

In the mean time,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Optimizing The Benefits of The Serenity Prayer

| August 12, 2019

The Serenity Prayer* is my guide to practicing acceptance in all my affairs.   It is a prayer for acceptance that allows me to be more fully aware, from the very start of my day, of the vast number of things I cannot control or change, and it reminds me that my very serenity depends on my willingness to accept them as they are.

I devote a chapter in The Gifts of Acceptance on ways to effectively apply the three poetic phrases of the Prayer.   For many, the last phrase, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” is the most challenging one in practice.

Specifically, how do we know whether we do or do not have the power to change or control a person or situation?   

The determination is frequently difficult. Strong emotions—fear and anger, for example—as well as high expectations easily thwart our intentions to realistically consider whether the issue is something over which we truly have power.   Denial, too, can impact the determination because of our ignorance or unawareness of (or unwillingness) to accept the underlying reality of the situation.

The requisite wisdom often comes only after enduring the hard, painful consequences of ongoing non-acceptance.  The pains of non-acceptance will likely occur at different times for each of us because there will always be things and people we aren’t able to accept—at least initially.

Here are two ways that will help you with the wisdom to know the difference and thereby optimize the benefits of The Serenity Prayer:

Pause and Reflect 

When first faced with contentious issues or people, take a moment (or as some say, “pause”) to consider whether you can realistically expect to change matters.   Try not to react impulsively or retaliate.   Fear and anger often emerge, and it is important to constructively process these emotions as soon as you are able.    Try to remember the acronym for FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.

Pausing and reflecting in this manner will ground you and enable you to better evaluate what is really at stake and its importance, and that in turn will allow you to address the situation or person in a more constructive, responsive manner.

Consider Whether You Can Meaningfully Impact the Person or Situation 

Even if you feel you can change or have some impact on the matter or person, consider whether any success is worth the cost and energy—and anguish.

What I have found extremely helpful in uncertain situations is to ask myself “Can I have any meaningful impact on the person or situation?”  If I don’t think I can, I accept the current situation or circumstance and move on.   Similarly, it is also helpful to ask oneself, “How important is this to me?”

Remember, not everything is a crisis, but anything can become one if you fail to let go of control and accept “what is.”

Please share with me what you have found helpful in determining whether or not you have the power to change certain people or things in your life, giving specific examples if you can.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*”God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

Courage to Change the Things I Can, and

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.”

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Misconceptions About Acceptance

| March 2, 2019

Do you have trouble accepting annoying people in your life?  If you are like others I have spoken to on the matter, your thoughts on the subject might be similar to theirs:

Why should I accept . . .

My sister’s condescending behavior?
My mother’s belittling me all the time?
My husband’s telling me what’s best for me?
My boss’s nitpicking ways?

If pressed to at least try accepting such people as they are, they might respond with something like

Why should I have to put up with them?
What good will it do me?
I don’t need them in my life.
I refuse to sacrifice my principles and values.
Nothing will really change.

These are all very valid concerns, and truth be told, I’ve felt them many times myself. However, I have learned that they stem mainly from certain misconceptions about what acceptance means.  In The Gifts of Acceptance (recently named a Best Wellness Book of 2018 by Library Journal), I discuss them at length in the chapter titled “What Acceptance Is–And Isn’t.”

For now, let’s take a look at three common misperceptions about acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean,

That you approve or condone another’s behavior. 

It is a mistake to equate acceptance with approval.  You are not approving or condoning another’s actions or behavior by accepting them as they are. Rather, you are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way a person is and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for you aligned with that reality. Hence, you can accept someone as they are even though you disapprove of what the person has done. As such, acceptance is neither a positive or negative mind-set; it is more of an even keeled, neutral one.

However, to be very clear, acceptance does not mean that you should accept abuse, violence, or other aberrant or intolerable behavior. Nor does it mean that you cannot or should not remove yourself from, or even sever ties with, someone if you determine that is in your best interest to do so.

Acceptance also does not mean,

That you must “give in” to others. 

         Acceptance does not require that you relinquish your needs or subordinate your best interests to those of others. Once again, if you feel unfairly burdened or imposed upon, you can disengage or detach—and when necessary, stand your ground. The only thing that I believe you should give in to is that every person has her own life path and that it is beyond your power (and, I believe, right) to meaningfully alter it. If your respective paths are not in sync, you are free to acknowledge that and move on.

And very importantly, acceptance does not mean,

That you have no viable choices. 

To the contrary, it is only by accepting people (annoying or otherwise) as they are, that you are able to recognize the choices and options that will serve you best. Why? Because with acceptance, the focus changes from others and circumstances to you—and what you can do to better serve your needs.

Thus, when you have difficulty accepting someone as they are, keep in mind what it does not mean.   That will make it easer for you to practice acceptance and enjoy the many gifts that follow, including less resentment and frustration and more peace and serenity!

I welcome your thoughts, suggestions, and experiences about accepting difficult people in your lives.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”, 

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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Challenges of Accepting People and Things as They Are

| October 26, 2018

There are formidable challenges to accepting people and things as they are.  In the Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are I explore in depth how to overcome the main obstacles to practicing acceptance.  As part of my efforts to help “Make Acceptance Go Viral,” I recently wrote an article for the popular blog, Purpose Fairy,  entitled “Four Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance–and How to Overcome Them,”  which is reproduced below.   I hope you find it helpful in practicing acceptance.

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“More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships.   Acceptance leads to a life marked by realistic expectations, greater humility, and new choices, discoveries, and possibilities, as well as reduced sorry, stress, and frustrations—a life where hope replaces despair.

The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer andthe widely practiced 12 Step Programs.  It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.

Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is not difficult.  Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to “practice acceptance”? And why do we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.

                           Overcoming Four Major Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance 

I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it.  I have done extensive research, reflected on my own experience with hardships, and interviewed people who are blessed with the serenity of living in acceptance, even in the most discouraging situations.

In doing so, I have come to believe there are at least four fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance.

We Are Too Fearful.

Fear is a powerful acceptance blocker.  We are fearful that if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed.  For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school (and not get into college!)  Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects and quirks of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.

Consequently, facing and processing such acceptance fears make it much easier to accept others and things as they are.  Our fears are mostly illusory or speculative.   Apt acronyms for FEAR are False EvidenceAppearing Real and Future Events Already Ruined.   Think about this for a moment.  Isn’t it the case that most of our fears are based on suppositions, speculations concerning events that haven’t yet occurred?   If you constantly remind yourself of this, your fears will not undermine you.

We Expect Too Much of Others.

Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.

Our expectations are often based on our perceived needs that we look to others to satisfy.   The real truth is that only wecan satisfy our core needs.

To help moderate your expectations, here are three pertinent questions you can ask yourself:

         Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations of another person? 

         Am I looking for him to fulfill those needs? 

         Can she realistically fulfill those needs– even if she wanted to? 

We Lack Trust and Faith.

Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay (or that we will be okay) if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it “play out” naturally because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.

Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions.   You need only look back on your past life experiences and travails to realize this is the case.   I have found that it helps to verbalize trust; i.e., “I trust that (fill in the blank) will work out okay”, “I trust that I will overcome this challenge.”

We Are Not Humble Enough.

Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way is the best or right way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.

It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe.  Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently.  To believe that our way is best for others borders on arrogance.

                                                        An Acceptance Challenge!

Overcoming these acceptance obstacles—even partially—enhances practicing acceptance.    Thus, during this week I challenge you to focus on accepting people and things as they are—which is to say accepting life on life’s terms—by reducing your expectations, being more humble, addressing your fears, and trusting that everything will turn out as it is meant to me.

In doing so, I am confident The Gifts of Acceptance await you!”

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I would be very interested in learning about what obstacles have made it difficult for you to accept people and things as they are and how you have overcome or mitigated their impact.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is.”

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*If you like this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

**I am excited to let you know that The Gifts of Acceptance is now available as an audiobook on audible.com.

 

 

The Gifts of Accepting Our Children’s Addictions

| July 28, 2018

Some people–maybe even you–upon reading the title of this post might immediately retort something like, “Gifts? What do you mean mean gifts?  My child’s addiction has been nothing but a horrendous burden for us.”

I understand your frustration. I really do. I have friends who have suffered tremendously in dealing with their children’s debilitating drug and alcohol addictions. Household theft, deceit, manipulation, and violence are not uncommon.

Most parents will do almost anything to keep their children off the streets, in school, and out of jail. When going through such hell, parents have difficulty conceiving that accepting their children’s addictions could be of any benefit.

My friend Mike, however, found unexpected gifts after finally accepting his son’s drug and alcohol addictions. (more…)

The Link Between Acceptance and Recovery

| June 11, 2018

In a previous post, The Link between Addiction and Control, I considered whether a pertinent connection exists between addiction and control. I hypothesized that because the internal lives of most addicts are so out of control, they attempt to manage their uncomfortable emotions and feelings of powerlessness by exerting strong outward forms of control. This blog post was shared more times than any other in the seven-year history of this blog. Many readers agreed that addiction and control are connected, and many others did not.

In my new book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are, I explain why acceptance is the best antidote for the compulsion to control.

Given acceptance’s strong impact on control, I have been thinking about its relationship to addiction and recovery. What are the links, if any, among the three? Some pertinent questions come to mind:

          Do addicts need to accept that they are powerless over their addiction before they can recover from it?

         Do most addicts live in denial of their addiction and the impact it has on their lives—and the lives of others? (more…)