The Gifts of Accepting Our Children’s Addictions

| July 28, 2018

Some people–maybe even you–upon reading the title of this post might immediately retort something like, “Gifts? What do you mean mean gifts?  My child’s addiction has been nothing but a horrendous burden for us.”

I understand your frustration. I really do. I have friends who have suffered tremendously in dealing with their children’s debilitating drug and alcohol addictions. Household theft, deceit, manipulation, and violence are not uncommon.

Most parents will do almost anything to keep their children off the streets, in school, and out of jail. When going through such hell, parents have difficulty conceiving that accepting their children’s addictions could be of any benefit.

My friend Mike, however, found unexpected gifts after finally accepting his son’s drug and alcohol addictions. (more…)

Over Controlling Parents–Harm Now Confirmed

| February 21, 2012

 

New research from the University of New Hampshire confirms that authoritarian parents whose child-rearing style is summed up as “it’s my way or the highway” are more likely to raise disrespectful, delinquent children who do not see them as legitimate authority figures than parents who listen to their children and gain their respect and trust.

This is the first study to look at whether parenting styles influence adolescents’ beliefs about the legitimacy of parent authority and if those perceptions affect delinquent behavior.

The study’s findings are not surprising. I have previously shared my views about how over controlling parents hinder the personal growth, self-reliance and independence of their children. (See “Parent Problems for Type A Personalities“)

When parents are willing to listen to their children’s views and concerns and engage in open-minded dialogue, it instills mutual trust and respect.

The parental decision or rules may remain the same, but the fact that it was reached in a more democratic manner increases the likelihood of it being honored. Rick Trinker, the lead researcher of the New Hampshire Study, states that “When children consider their parents to be legitimate authority figures….the child is more likely to follow the rules when the parent is not physically present.”

I call this “due process” parenting.

The simple truth is that we parents are not always right! And what may have been right or good for us may not be so for our children. It is important for us to acknowledge the innate differences between ourselves and our children, as well as the enormous challenges children face in our hectic, and at times chaotic world. We thus need to be open to re-examining our positions.

In short, it is important that parents be humble!

I am by no means recommending permissive parenting where few rules or boundaries are set, but simply that strong parental control should be used in moderation and primarily where the health, safety, and well being (socially, morally, and spiritually) of our children are at stake. I address this important issue in “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Control”, where I offer guidelines for distinguishing between exercising responsible parental authority and excessive parental control.

Hopefully, the New Hampshire study will encourage authoritarian parents, including “Tiger Moms,” to ease up some.

Please share with me your beliefs, insights and experiences (good and bad) about parental control.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Parenting Problems for Type A Personalities

| October 19, 2011

Today’s edition of the Personal Journal section of the Wall Street Journal features an interesting article by Sue Shellenbarger entitled “Ambitious Parents, Mellow Children,” that discusses the parenting struggles of Type A parents who are raising Type B children.

It raises the important issue of what I have called the “Fundamental Parental Challenge”; namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning, WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.

This challenge is even more daunting for Type A personalities whose very nature is to be controlling!

 

The article rightfully reports that significant problems arise when “drive trumps compassion” and Type A parents push their children too hard, criticizing them when they are already doing their best or piling on unreasonable demands.

I have also found that when we overmanage our children’s lives, it deprives them of the valuable learning experiences and wisdom that come with making mistakes, as well as the self-reliance, confidence, and independence that would serve them well as adults.  (I examine these and other problems and how to avoid them in the chapter of my book entitled “Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle.”)

Encouragingly, the article also reports that some Type A parents are seeing the wisdom of allowing their children to follow their own paths.  They understand that their children are different from them in many ways and are honoring the differences.   One such mother, Christie Krase, is at peace with the vast differences between her and her 14 year old son, Jackson.  She says, “I’m accepting that there are different versions of success,” and hopes her son will “do whatever inspires him.”

Similarly, as a former parental controller myself, I now try to follow my daughter Lana’s sound advice to parents at her 6th grade graduation ceremony whenever I can:

“Parents.  If you teach us only to be like you, then how do you expect us to live in the future?  Right now, we are figuring out who we are, and who we will become.  All you can do is give us love and support.  Believe in us, and we’ll make the right choices in life.”

Thus far, Lana has been making wise choices for herself, for which I am very blessed and grateful.

Please share with me your beliefs, insights and experiences (good and bad) about parental control.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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