Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?

| December 26, 2011

 

The December 24 Books section of the Wall Street Journal features an article by Amy Chua, aka Tiger Mom, in which Ms. Chua attempts to justify her domineering parenting techniques as she continues to back peddle from the widespread criticism and anger that her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has provoked.

In the article Mrs. Chua makes undocumented and seemingly inaccurate assertions in support of her parenting methods, which is surprising coming from a law professor at Yale, one of this country’s most esteemed law schools.

Indeed, one may reasonably question whether this controlling Tiger Mom is a bit “out of control” herself.

Take, for example, her following assertion:

“Tiger parenting is all about raising independent, creative, courageous kids.   In America today, there’s a dangerous tendency to romanticize creativity in a way that may undermine it.  Take, for example, all the people who point to Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and conclude that the secret to innovation is dropping out of college.  In fact, both men exemplify extraordinary hard work and drive and resilience in the face of failure—exactly the qualities that tiger parenting seeks to promote.” (my emphasis.)

Is not the implication here that these important qualities were instilled in Steve Job and Mark Zuckerberg through tiger parenting?

Sorry, Ms. Chua, but Steve and Mark were not raised by tiger parents.

In a radio interview earlier this year, Dr. Edward Zuckerberg (Mark’s dad), shared his parenting beliefs as follows:

“Probably the best thing I can say is something that my wife and I have always believed in. Rather than impose upon your kids or try and steer their lives in a certain direction, to recognize what their strengths are and support their strengths and support the development of the things they’re passionate about.”

Further, in responding to a question about Ms. Chua’s book, Dr. Zuckerberg remarked, “I think that extremes in any form in parenting are not good.  Children need to be well rounded.   There’s a place for work and a place for play.”

(Less is known about the parenting style of Steve Job’s now deceased adopted parents, but there is no indication that they were domineering parents.   To the contrary, a neighbor referred to Job’s dad as being very supportive of him and that Jobs did pretty much what he wanted to do as a child.

Do these sound like the words of a tiger parent?

Other assertions in the article are equally questionable.   Ms. Chua states (again without citing any supporting studies or evidence) that,  “I’ve found that tiger cubs raised in America have really high emotional intelligence.  For one thing, they’ve spent their whole lives maneuvering around their crazy, strict parents.”

If this is what it takes to develop high emotional intelligence in children, let us pray for them.

But wait.  There’s more.   Ms. Chua confides that what “drives me the craziest may be the charge that tiger parenting produces robots and automatons,” just after telling us that we are missing the key point to tiger parenting:

“It’s only about very early child-rearing, and it’s most effective when your kids are between the ages of, say, 5 and 12.   When practiced correctly, tiger parenting can produce kids who are more daring and self-reliant—not less.”

I see, so if we hammer it in during our children’s informative years, we will produce creative and self-reliant children that can then go on their merry way.    Ms. Chua, I for one, am glad that Dr. Zuckerberg took a supportive, balanced approach in raising his son and from what we know, Mr. Jobs did the same with his son.

Tiger Parents need to lose some control.

I have expressed in both Losing Control, Finding Serenity and this blog the importance of finding the right balance between control and surrender in vital aspects of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

In fact, for me this is the Fundamental Parental Challenge we face today: namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.  (For some guidelines on how to meet this difficult challenge, see my post, “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Tiger parenting is synonymous with domineering parenting, no matter how you may wish to justify or defend it.  I believe it is an extreme, unnuanced form of parenting that seriously risks harming our children’s full and healthy development, denying them their passions, and impeding independent, original thinking—the very type of thinking that made Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg visionaries.

Indeed, we would have fewer Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerbergs in our world, were tiger parenting to become widely accepted and followed.

I issue the following challenge to Tiger Parents:

Try—just try—giving up a little control in raising your children.  Allow them to choose and have more say about when and how they study and the activities they like; to stay up late sometimes; to be silly and playful; and, to follow their healthy passions even though it’s not what you want for them.

You just might be surprised if you do.   You might have well-rounded, creative, joyous,  self-achievers running around your household!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Parenting Problems for Type A Personalities

| October 19, 2011

Today’s edition of the Personal Journal section of the Wall Street Journal features an interesting article by Sue Shellenbarger entitled “Ambitious Parents, Mellow Children,” that discusses the parenting struggles of Type A parents who are raising Type B children.

It raises the important issue of what I have called the “Fundamental Parental Challenge”; namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning, WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.

This challenge is even more daunting for Type A personalities whose very nature is to be controlling!

 

The article rightfully reports that significant problems arise when “drive trumps compassion” and Type A parents push their children too hard, criticizing them when they are already doing their best or piling on unreasonable demands.

I have also found that when we overmanage our children’s lives, it deprives them of the valuable learning experiences and wisdom that come with making mistakes, as well as the self-reliance, confidence, and independence that would serve them well as adults.  (I examine these and other problems and how to avoid them in the chapter of my book entitled “Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle.”)

Encouragingly, the article also reports that some Type A parents are seeing the wisdom of allowing their children to follow their own paths.  They understand that their children are different from them in many ways and are honoring the differences.   One such mother, Christie Krase, is at peace with the vast differences between her and her 14 year old son, Jackson.  She says, “I’m accepting that there are different versions of success,” and hopes her son will “do whatever inspires him.”

Similarly, as a former parental controller myself, I now try to follow my daughter Lana’s sound advice to parents at her 6th grade graduation ceremony whenever I can:

“Parents.  If you teach us only to be like you, then how do you expect us to live in the future?  Right now, we are figuring out who we are, and who we will become.  All you can do is give us love and support.  Believe in us, and we’ll make the right choices in life.”

Thus far, Lana has been making wise choices for herself, for which I am very blessed and grateful.

Please share with me your beliefs, insights and experiences (good and bad) about parental control.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Losing Control, Finding Flow

| June 17, 2011

We often hear people talk about “going with the flow” when discussing  how they intend to deal with important issues and challenges in their lives.   I think for most, that means they wish to engage matters as they naturally arise, without forcing or resisting.

However, what we hear very little about is how we can actually do it.

I would like to share some ways that have allowed me to access the  flow state, which, for me, is that state of grace where things seem to come to us—almost effortlessly–rather than we to them; where openness and freedom of thought and ideas spring forth almost magically; and where we are aware and grounded.

The Wave

Following a very difficult period of my life twenty-five years ago (and well  before I thought about writing my current book) I began exploring and writing about the idea of being able to glide within “life’s natural currents.”

The metaphor that came closest to the vision of a peaceful life I desired was riding ocean waves.

I thought of there being a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer.  Some  simply vanishing .  Many changing course.  We have no influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.  As soon as one crests near us, we can extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and glide with it.  If we encounter turbulence, which we always will, we can find ways to protect ourselves.

I even coined my own nautical parlance, such as  “go with the Wave”,  “ride the Wave”, “navigate the currents” and “float with the swells”.  Just verbalizing it in this manner was (and is) very soothing to me.

Indeed, the Wave has played such an important part in improving my life that I included it as the final chapter of Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

Losing Control

I learned that the best way to access the Wave is by letting go of control.   I thus explored effective, practical ways—which I now call “decontrol tools”—that enabled me to more easily let go of control in such vital areas as parenting,  family and friends,  love and romance,  my creative endeavors and at work.   I even found effective ways to do it with my favorite past time, tennis.  I write about these decontrol tools in depth in my book, as well as in this blog.

Finding Flow

Simply put, when you lose control, you find flow.

When you let go of control, it frees life’s “natural currents” and you can then participate in those those currents in an expansive and intuitive manner and discover life’s possibilities.   I quickly learned that the rewards are often unexpected and remarkable.   Turmoil and conflict disappear.  Intimacy and bonds with friends, family and loved ones strengthen significantly.     Fears and worries leave us.    And work becomes less stressful and more profitable.

I encourage you this week to start letting go of control and enjoy life’s flow!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Charm and the Flow of Life

| April 12, 2011

One of the unexpected joys of writing this blog is my learning from the insights and wisdoms of others who are similarly seeking a state of grace in which we feel grounded, aware, and at peace.

What I find enlightening are the different ways that each individual seeks his or her own spiritual paths to guide them.

The Folly of Excessive Control

In my case, my journey focuses on trying to avoid excessive control and accept life as it is.    I explain it as follows in Losing Control, Finding Serenity:

“Life is in a constant state of motion: fluid, shifting, always moving.  As such, it is impossible to hold onto it—and that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.  The result is much the same as if you tried to grab on to a rapidly moving conveyor built, for example; you may slow it down momentarily, but you ultimately get burned or dragged along! Consequently, when we control excessively, we are attempting to alter life’s moving currents and rhythm.   When we do this, we are unable to see the options and make the choices that would significantly improve our lives, emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially.”

When we let go of control, we free life’s “natural currents,” allowing us to engage those currents in an intuitive and expansive manner.  You become more aware of the wonders all around you, and your spirit shines brighter and lighter.

The Wisdom of Charm

Jeff Kober,  an experienced Vedic Meditation teacher, expresses similar sentiments somewhat differently in these eloquent words about the wisdom of Charm:

“ Someone asked: what is this “charm” you speak of? as in, “We pay attention to the subtle tug of charm, allowing ourselves to be led.”

“Some would call it “the still, small voice.” Intuition. Conscience. There is a flow of life, of nature, within the oneness. Like a river, like the wind, there are currents and crosscurrents, subtle shifts of direction. These hold the information that can guide us through our days. By paying attention to this information, we align ourselves with the flow of evolution. By following evolution, life feels right. We can live our life based upon this feeling of rightness, rather than on ideas of what we should or shouldn’t be doing, who we think we’re supposed to be….

“Following charm is not magical thinking. It is paying attention to what nature would have me do, rather than what my ideas and opinions, my hopes and fears, would have me do. We pay attention to charm with the idea that, as individual expressions of nature, it just makes sense to align ourselves with its flow, and by aligning ourselves with this flow, we are guaranteed to end up where we’re meant to be.

“Today I will allow that there is a flow in nature that I have access to, and I will open myself to feeling it.”(The complete passage can be read here)

The Flow of Life

Although one’s spiritual paths may vary and be expressed or articulated in different ways, I believe there is a universal commonality in our journeys to find grace and harmony.   An important element of that journey is our striving to live within, and align ourselves with, the natural flow of life.   And although the daily challenges and struggles we face as parents, lovers, friends and workers impede us,  I have found that even fleeting moments of gliding with the “flow of life” make the effort all worthwhile.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control

| November 23, 2010

 

Parenting is rife with excessive control actions.  Our fears and anxieties about our children’s welfare cloud our perspective about what’s really at stake in most aspects of their lives.    As a result, we pressure, we threaten, and we hover over them.   We dominate when we should be supporting and guiding.  We advise when we should be listening.  We criticize when we should be accepting of their differences.

The Fundamental Parental Challenge

The fundamental parental challenge we face is being able to fulfill our responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their morals, family values, and ethics, and encouraging learning, WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.   The repercussions for failing to meet this challenge can be severe, including the loss of trust, strong resentment, and a total break down in communications.

Parents must face this challenge every day—and at times it feels like every moment!   It is always there.   The line between the two is frequently not clear, and often murky.   Consider, for example:  When does giving too much to our children really take away from them?   When does doing too much for them become enabling?    When is the issue really about “us”, and not  “them?”

In short, at what point are we controlling our children too much?

Some Useful Guidelines

I have learned some useful guidelines in the form of inquiries that can assist us in determining whether we are crossing the line to over-management of our children’s lives.    I discuss these and others in more detail in my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity, but for now let me touch upon a few important ones.

  1. What are my motives?  Are my actions primarily motivated by my own unfilled desires, social standing, or outsiders’ views of my parenting?  If so, we are very likely over-managing.
  2. Is my way necessarily the only way? Or the right way?  What has worked well for us in our lives does not mean that it will serve our children well.
  3. Am I depriving my child of learning from his or her mistakes or of gaining other important learning experiences?
  4. Am I acting out of unfounded fears?   What’s really at stake?  How important is it? Our unprocessed fears frequently compel us to control excessively in all areas of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

Kahil Gibran Had it Right

Kahil Gibran offers invaluable insight for addressing the challenge with these wise words from The Prophet:

“Your children are not your children…

they come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet

they belong not to you…

You may give them your love but not your thoughts…

For they have their own thoughts…

Seek not to make them like you.”

My Daughter Has it Right As Well

During her sixth grade graduation ceremony my daughter, Lana, after quoting from the Prophet, cautioned attending parents about being too controlling with these words of her own:

“Parents.  If you teach us only to be like you, then how do you expect us to live in the future?   Right now, we are figuring out who we are, and who we will become.  All you can do is give us love and support.  Believe in us, and we’ll make the right choices in life. “

It is Thine Path, Not Mine

I was very proud and moved by Lana’s profound statement.   We need to recognize that each child has his or her own life journey or path and it is primarily up to him or her to try to fulfill it.   The more we interfere with that path by over managing their lives—no matter how well intended or how strongly we feel we are right—the greater the risk of obstructing and even thwarting it.

In the meantime,remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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