Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips (#1)

The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.

Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.

Below is the first one.  Others will follow in upcoming posts.

Q:  What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes? 

A:  FEAR!  Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions.  We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses.  In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive.    That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.

Questions for You to Ponder: 

“What core fears propel you to control?”

“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways?   How ?”

Please share your responses with me!

In the meantime,

“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Control Freak Bosses Are Poor Managers

The compulsion to control at work can be so strong that we rarely stop to consider how much it harms us, our employees, and of course, our business. This is particularly true with respect to micro-managers, nit-pickers, and other control freaks.

In a previous post, Work Control: Five Ways It Harms You and How to Avoid It, I outlined some of the pitfalls of excessive work control and offered some tips on how to let it go.   One of the harms I mentioned was that “Our interactions with others become abrasive and confrontational instead of co-operative and thoughtful.”

Research is now confirming the importance of business leaders’ controlling less, and establishing positive relationships with their employees. A May 18, 2017 article by Rob Waugh in UK Yahoo News, Results Driven Control Freaks Aren’t Always the Best Managers, Research Finds, cites Professor Oyvind Lund Martinsen, head of Department of Management and Organization at the BI Norwegian Business School, as saying that research to date suggests that leaders should focus on being relationship-oriented.   The Professor states:

“Employees expect a great deal of autonomy, that is, influence on their own working day, and to be given the leeway to solve challenges at work on their own…The idea of the ‘slave driver’ manager—brimming with genius ideas—is popular with board members, but disastrous with employees. …This kind of … driven executive who manages the company based on production requirement and meeting goals, is often on a collision course with today’s employees.” 

Let me go a step further. It is my belief that most control freaks (and executives) are, in fact, “poor” managers.   Because they are so rigid and inflexible, they are unable to adapt to the ebb and flow of the “work currents,” putting them out of sync (and likely touch) with what needs to be timely addressed.   When everything is “so important” to them, how can they discern what truly is important?   Consequently, costly diversions of time, energy, and resources become the norm.  Moreover, by being so controlling, they are  “blinded” from spotting potentially profitable paths and choices.   Simply put, excessive control restricts, binds, and limits both at work and at home.

Please Share Your Experiences with Control Freak Bosses 

Have you ever worked for a control freak boss or manager?   What impact did their behavior have on your work production? On your creativity? On you personally? On your co-workers?   How did you deal with the situation?  Were you able to stand up to him or her?  Please share your experiences with us!!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept What Is 

Danny

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Why Excessive Control in the Work Place is Harmful

The workplace is a hot bed for inefficient and costly control practices. The compulsion to control at work and in business is an unavoidable consequence of man’s (and woman’s) primal drive for sustenance and survival. Some may graciously refer to it as just ”trying to get ahead” or “make ends meet”, but in truth, it can be argued that it is nothing less than the survival of the fittest at the work place. As such, work is fertile ground for our fears and anxieties, causing us to press, direct, resist, and manipulate—and worry incessantly.

Why, you may ask, are such control practices so harmful? As I explain in my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, there exists a natural life rhythm (or currents, if you will), which is constantly moving, shifting, and changing, and in which there are lows and highs and ebbs and flows. We basically have two choices: we can try to resist these currents—and be burned or dragged along–or try to move with them as expansively and intuitively as we can. I refer to the latter as “riding the Wave.”

When we dominate or control too much at work or in business, we obstruct these currents, resulting in lost opportunities. Conflict and discord prevail as our interactions with others frequently become abrasive and headstrong, instead of cooperative and thoughtful. We further become “stressed out” and worry about things over which we have no real control. Considerable inefficiencies abound within this environment because our rigidity prevents us from adapting to changing circumstances and priorities, as well as recognizing viable options. There are clearly no “quarter-back” options to this way of doing business. As a consequence, more and greater mistakes are made and opportunities are lost.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that there is no room or justification for control in the work place. To the contrary, control measures are necessary for the proper supervision of workers and duties, maintaining quality control, following proper safety measurements, adhering to technical procedures, and the like. My point, however, is that there is a distinction between prudent control practices in the work place, and compulsive, domineering forms of control that are triggered primarily by strong emotions such as fear, anger, anxiety—and insecurity.

In future articles I will examine key tools and practices that will help you relinquish control at work and in business, and demonstrate the remarkable and unexpected benefits that result when you do–including increased productivity, greater financial rewards, and less stress and anxiety.

In the meantime,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Leaders Need to Know When to Relinquish Control

One of the main purposes of this blog is to demonstrate the harms of excessive control in all areas of our lives, the benefits of letting go of control and how to do it.   In that regard, my posts (and book) examine the many facets of the control dynamic in such important areas as parenting, intimate relations, creative endeavors, and  sports and performance.

One control area that is not often examined is that of leaders, such as politicians, heads of companies, presidents of institutions, managers and the like.

Ron Roberts has written an excellent article on leadership control, How to Gain Control by Letting Go, in which he identifies the paradox between a leader’s need to control by the very nature of his or her position, and knowing when to relinquish control.   Mr. Roberts makes the important distinction between control as an underlying managerial principle and true leadership:

“Control …is associated with planning, organizing, and directing.   It revolves around setting standards, measuring actual performance, and taking corrective action….Leadership, on the other hand, is based on setting clear objectives, delegating authority, relinquishing control, and trusting staff.  Leaders know when to exercise control and when to relinquish it.”(emphasis added)

Benefits of Relinquishing Leadership Control

As Mr. Roberts correctly notes, letting go of leadership control encourages subordinates and colleagues to thrive because it empowers them to show initiative and they feel valued.

There are major benefits for leaders as well.

*By letting go of control, they are able to step back and see the bigger picture, or as is often said, the forest from the trees.    This is a huge advantage for strategic planning, as well as being able to earlier detect and assess vital trends (and make advantageous adjustments) in their particular business, industry, or realm.

*They can more fully use their unique skills and talents because they are no longer burdened or overwhelmed by the intensity and restrictions of their controlling actions.

*They have less stress and anxiety—and more energy–because they need not plot, analyze,  and obsess so much.    Through positive results from relinquishing control, they have greater trust that things will work out—maybe not as originally envisioned, but often much better.

I would be interested in knowing your experiences and results with giving up leadership or managerial control.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Work Control: Five Ways It Harms You and How to Avoid It

 

The workplace is where humanity’s primal drive for sustenance and survival is most prominently played out.   As such, it is a hotbed for costly control practices.  Some graciously refer to the compulsion to control at work as just “trying to get ahead” or “make ends meet,” but in truth it can be argued that it is nothing less than survival of the fittest.

The compulsion to control at work can be so strong, that we rarely stop to consider how much it harms us–and  others.

Pitfalls of Work Control.   Here are five ways that excessive work control harms you:

  • We are rigid and close-minded, and thereby fail to recognize profitable options and opportunities.  We literally have “blinders” because of the intensity of controlling behavior.
  • We are inflexible and thus unable to adapt to the ebb and flow of the
    “work currents,” putting us our of sync with what needs to be timely addressed.
  • By trying to micro-manage everything, we fail to look at the “larger picture.” We are thus unable to discern what is truly relevant with respect to the tasks and issues at hand, resulting in costly diversions of time and money.
  • Our interactions with others become abrasive and confrontational instead of cooperative and thoughtful.
  • We easily become stressed out and overwhelmed because we are constantly fearful of (and obsess about) all the “what ifs” and “what could happens”.

How to Let Go of Work Control. Losing Control, Finding Serenity devotes several chapters on how to let go of control at work and avoid the above pitfalls. Here are  several  “decontrol” tools that will enable you to give up more control at work:

Address your work fears.   Fear is the primary catalyst for controlling behavior.  You must address and process these fears in order to let go of work control.  One effective way is to separate the objective facts of troubling work issues from the fictional nightmares you script for yourself.    Identify the real facts as specifically as you can.  Write them down and really focus on them.

Take some action to deal with these objective facts—even a small step.   Trust me, your fears will not like being confronted this way and they will soon start to lose their hold over you.   You will then recognize viable options and choices that had been obscured to you previously.   That will further defuse your work fears, and with that the compulsion to control.

*Trust that you will be okay, regardless of what happens.    Remind yourself that you’ve overcome many difficult challenges in the past.   You’re still here, right?  You will also be here tomorrow and the next day.

*Read my poem, Fear: Fictions’ Best Seller,” which exposes fear for what it truly is: “a wimp” parading in our frail armor!

Try these decontrol tools at work and let me know how it goes for you.

And remember to,

Let It Go!

Danny

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Domineering Business Control Invites Conflict

The workplace is where humanity’s primal drive for sustenance and survival is most prominently played out.  As such, it is a hot bed for control driven behavior and practices.  Some graciously refer to this compulsion to control at work as just “trying to get ahead” or “make ends meet,” but in truth it can be argued that workplace behavior is nothing less than the survival of the fittest.

For sure, there is a need for control at work.   It is necessary for establishing and maintaining efficient work practices and policies, technical procedures, quality control, and proper supervision of workers and projects, and in keeping on top of things in general.

It is important, however, to be able to distinguish between necessary forms of control and what I call excessive or domineering forms of work control.    The latter are primarily triggered by our fears, anxieties, insecurities—and greed—and easily create conflict and dissension within the work place.

Domineering Work Control

A recent case in point concerns a serious dispute between American Airlines and online ticket agencies over air fares, as reported in the January 16, 2011 Travel Section of the Los Angeles Times under the following headline:

“A Fight Over Flight Prices—Maneuvering for Control”

The dispute centers around how American flights and services are displayed on Expedia and Orbitz (and other online agencies), as well as the booking fees paid by American to those agencies.  American Airlines, upset by the way its fares were being displayed by online agencies, decided to sell tickets through its own on-line service, and pulled its fares from Orbitz.  The other agencies retaliated by delisting the airlines from their services.

The article calls American’s bold move as “the first shot in a war
that could change how travelers buy air tickets….”  War, of course, is all about control, which was made eminently clear by a statement issued by American’s spokesman:

“It’s 100% about control.  They’re (the agencies) fighting for control over the airline’s products and services and how they’re presented to the customer.  We’re fighting for control.”

The High Cost of Control

The airline-agency dispute will likely be resolved at some point.    But at what cost and benefit?   Certainly the attorneys will have a heyday with it all, costing both American and Orbitz a great deal of money.   Consumers, too, will lose, since they will have fewer travel choices and not be able to effectively compare prices.

Excessive work control can burn up resources and reduce options. It also results in greater mistakes, inefficiencies, and lost opportunities, which I will examine in future posts.

Letting Go of Work Control

In many instances, potential work and business control conflicts and disputes can be avoided by these four effective “decontrol” techniques:

1.   Address the Facts, not the Emotions: Many, if not most, work and business disputes are caused and propelled by strong emotions, particularly fear and anger. We are prone to act aggressively (and contrary to our best interests) before we have the opportunity to objectively examine the underlying facts and issues.

Make sure you know the real facts.  Don’t make assumptions.   If you are not sure about something, seek clarification.  Often times we act impulsively on misconceptions, only to regret it later.

2.   Be Clear What’s at Stake. It is important to evaluate what really is at stake in the dispute.  It simply may not be that important in the scheme of things.  To do this properly, you need to take your ego and hurt feelings out of the equation by processing them in a healthy manner (I refer to this as embracing and processing your Personal Truths in my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity.)

As you work through this process, you will often find that the wisest choice is simply not to engage.

3.    Address Your Fears. Most controlling or aggressive actions are fear based, but many times we either are not aware that we are acting out of fear, or we exaggerate the extent and degree of our fears.   To gain proper perspective, ask yourself, “Am I acting out of my fears?” and “Are my fears more imagined than real?”

In my book,  I also write at length about conducting a “fear inquiry” as a means of getting to the heart of our fears.  In most instances, these inquiries lead to the conclusion that our fears are more “fictional” than real.

4. Evaluate the Real Costs.  The costs of business disputes and conflicts most always include more than money.  What is frequently overlooked (or under-evaluated) is the considerable time and energy it takes to do battle, which otherwise could be applied to much more productive and profitable matters. This sheer diversion of valuable resources can far exceed the monetary costs.

Try using these useful tools the next time you face a potential work or business dispute or conflict.  I am confident you will save yourself unwanted financial losses, diversions—and headaches!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

For more on this important subject, read my post “Work Control: Five Ways It Harms You and How to Avoid It.