Q: What is wrong with trying to control the circumstances of our lives?
A: It’s important to distinguish between those circumstances that are set or fixed and those that are not. There is a broad range of events and circumstances that we cannot change or control: computer glitches, equipment failures, flight cancelations, and bureaucratic inefficiencies, to name just a few.
We also can’t change people’s basic natures and ways–as much as we may wish to. (more…)
Q: How can letting go of control allay some of the fear and anxiety associated with the current economic uncertainty brought about by Covid-19?
A: The feeling of being powerless over our finances (and job prospects) can be extremely discomfiting and stressful–perhaps more so now than ever. Our fear and anxiety compel us to control more.
However, when we try to control too much, we are putting “blinders” on ourselves, and literally can’t see the options and opportunities that could make life (and finances) better for us. (more…)
The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.
Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.
Below is the first one. Others will follow in upcoming posts.
Q: What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes?
A: FEAR! Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions. We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses. In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive. That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.
Questions for You to Ponder:
“What core fears propel you to control?”
“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways? How ?”
Please share your responses with me!
In the meantime,
“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you found this post helpful, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.
(5th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“)
I don’t know about you, but its easy for me to fall into a “lull” and “low” during The Time of Coronavirus.
Every day seems the same, yet I feel different almost every day.
Same in the sense I have a lot of time on my hands most days and am restricted in movement, engagement, and enjoyment of what I like to do, especially playing tennis.
Different because I don’t know how I will feel until I get out of bed and begin my day. Some days I feel calm, relaxed and productive. Others anxious and antsy. And unfortunately, a good night’s sleep isn’t necessarily a harbinger of positive thoughts, feelings, and energy.
And some days, like today, I feel a “lull” and “low”–and lethargic. My body didn’t feel right this morning. I wasn’t sure if I was coming down with something. Who Knows? Maybe even the dreaded Covid-19. Fear is at the forefront these days. (See my post, “Dealing with Fear in The Time of Coronavirus”)
You may relate to what I’m talking about. If so, I would like to share some simple things that helped me feel much better as the day progressed. I hope they will help you, as well.
I reached out to a friend to see how he was doing. That wasn’t easy for me because I really didn’t feel like speaking to anyone. But I knew from past experience that the best way for me to get out of my head’s “negative” thinking was to see how others are doing and lend a good ear. My friend greeted me warmly and we shared some insights and “what we were doings” during The Time of Coronavirus. We even had a few good laughs. The conversation lightened my spirits, and then,
I took a “nature walk” around my neighborhood. It’s wonderful springtime here in California. Why not enjoy “the beauty all around me.” The blooming roses and irises. The bright blue sky. And the cheerful music of birds. Have you noticed lately that the birds seem happier than ever? The doves even more peaceful? And the ground squirrels playfully scampering around?
Is it possible they know something that we don’t?
Or, maybe it’s that they know “less” than we do–and are happier because of it?
Whatever the reason, it was a real blessing to be able to share their space with them.
I’ve heard it said that we are only a guest of nature, and I welcomed the invitation.
I felt so much lighter, and then
I decided to write this post. I thought that others—maybe even you—have experienced similar lulls and lows during The Time of Coronavirus and my sharing today’s experiences might ease their discomfort.
Quite honestly, just that thought lifted my spirits considerably. And the actual writing—this very writing—helps me a lot.
I gain needed awareness, clarity—and acceptance.
I encourage you try these things when you feel a lull or low. (The writing part can be some basic journaling.) Please also share your experiences and ideas about dealing with lulls and lows in The Time of Coronavirus. It would be helpful to me and I know others.
(You can read my earlier post, “Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows” for some other suggestions on this subject.)
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go!—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.
**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99
(4th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)
I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more. High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)
A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.
A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before. Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.
Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient. I had wanted to get in and out of there.
When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.
Oh brother, I told myself. I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.” After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!
When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst. Specifically, I expected that
And the all-inclusive expectation:
That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus. (Really?)
I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.
As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!
So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves. (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)
These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!
Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.
So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus. My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you liked this post please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.
**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.
(Third in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)
If you’re like me, your tolerance of others has been strained in this Time of Coronavirus, be it with loved ones you are
“confined” at home with or just people who get on your nerves.
No question about it, most people are on edge these days and it doesn’t take much for them to go off.
Patience is in short supply, and anger is in abundance.
If I were to tell you that you would likely be much better off—and have greater serenity—if you were to accept these people as they are, you might think I have contacted the virus!
Fortunately, I haven’t—and hope not to!
But I will also tell you that accepting others, as ornery as they may be, does not mean what you might think it means.
It has nothing to do with excusing, condoning, or otherwise approving of their words or behavior. (See, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance)
It does have a lot to do with “staying on your side of the street” and focusing on taking good care of yourself.
Take my friend Jen, for example. On many days, her husband is stressed and agitated, particularly over being cooped up at home day and night.
As Jen puts it, “I truly don’t know what side of the bed he will be getting up on each day.”
She further explains,
“But I also know I can’t fix him or make him feel better. I’ve learned that’s well beyond my power to accomplish. And when I do focus on his woes too much, I soon find myself down the rabbit’s hole as well, and that clearly doesn’t help him any.
“So I just try to love and accept him as he is, pray for his well being, and be careful not to get wrapped up in it all. That allows me to stay more emotionally balanced and focus on what I can do to take better care of myself during these difficult times.”
Here are four suggestions that will make it easier to accept others in The Time of Coronavirus:
“Did I play a part in the matter?” “Have I been curt or impatient with the person?” “Have I been on edge lately?”, and the like.
I am confident that these tools will help you better accept others in The Time of Coronavirus and concurrently bring you greater calm and serenity.
I welcome your thoughts and experiences on accepting people who bother you. How do you, for example, react or respond when someone upsets or irritates you? What acceptance tools have helped you in dealing with such people?
(You may also wish to read the first two posts in this series:“Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus” and “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”)
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you liked this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.
**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity, available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.
“These are Times that Try Men’s Souls”
In December 1776 General George Washington and his troops were facing imminent defeat, having been driven out of New York and chased across New Jersey by the British.
Washington had been deserted by Congress and his demoralized, hungry, and ill equipped troops planned to go home in two weeks when their enlistments ran out.
In an inspired move, Washington rounded up his weary soldiers into ranks and had them listen to a stirring message written by Thomas Paine:
“These are the times that try men’s souls. The summersoldier and sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”*
Thomas Paine’s words had a major impact on Washington’s beleaguered soldiers. A sense of renewed commitment and sacred mission returned to their souls.
Two nights later they crossed the Delaware, caught the British mercenaries completely off guard on a groggy hangover the morning after Christmas Day. Washington captured the whole British contingent of a thousand Hessians without a single American being killed.
The rest, as they say, is History!
We are now facing an equally precarious time in our “history”—one brought about by the unrelenting coronavirus and Covid-19 pandemic. And many, if not most, of us are equally dreary, beleaguered, demoralized—and fear driven.
I wish I had some stirring words like Thomas Paine to arouse and inspire you. I clearly don’t. I suffer the same unsettling range of emotions that you likely do.
However, I know that practicing acceptance in the time of coronvirus has helped me cope with the current chaos and uncertainty. It lightens my spirit. It grounds me. It balances me. And it frees me. (See my last post “How The Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with the Coronavirus)
From the tremendous response to that post, I am heartened to learn that it helps others as well. Daily blog visitors have increased more than tenfold. Facebook friends and fans have shared broadly.
I cannot tell you how deeply grateful I am for that. It makes me feel useful and being of service at a time when I so often feel helpless and powerless.
It also motivates me to do and share more about how to practice acceptance and enjoy the many “gifts” that surely follow.
I thus will be offering a short course on “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus” through weekly blog posts.
I will share what I know and have experienced first hand, as well as things learned from others, about practicing acceptance–its benefits, keys, challenges, obstacles, catalysts and dynamics.
Although I have extensively written and talked about these subjects before, I will discuss them and others within the context of the coronavirus Covid-19 pandemic. I hope to do so in a personal, everyday sort of way.
Concurrent with that, I have lowered the price of the ebooks for The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity to $2.99, so that more people will be given the opportunity to read and hopefully learn from them.
So stay tuned for the first session!
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*From The Crisis by Thomas Paine, December 23, 1776. His cogent essay is prescient about the politics, public panic, and other aspects of the coronavirus pandemic.
**If you like this post, please “like” it on your Facebook Page and share it with ot
The Serenity Prayer* has really helped me in dealing with the severe impact of the coronavirus and I hope it can help you as well.
Every day it becomes more clear how powerless—and helpless–we are over so many aspects of the Covid-19 pandemic and its impact on our lives. Jobs and financial losses, business closures, the heavy burdens on parents from school closures, food and supply shortages, and the strict physical and social constraints, including separation from our loved ones. The vast suffering by so many is heart wrenching and immense.
The Serenity Prayer teaches us that the more we are able to accept our “powerlessness” over (and inability to change) such tragic circumstances, the more serenity we will have in our lives. It is extremely difficult and challenging, to be sure. We feel helpless by our lack of power and control. However, even partial or intermittent acceptance is beneficial. (I explore these subjects in depth in my books, The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity.)
Yet, it is the very acceptance of “what is” that is key to mitigating the hardships and vast changes in our lives brought about by the coronavirus. Indeed,
Acceptance can transport us from despair to hope and even joy.
How?
As I have repeatedly expressed in my speaking and writings on the control and acceptance dynamics, with acceptance comes a critical shift in focus–from what we can’t control or change to what we can.
This shift empowers us.
It does so by expanding our vision—substantially so. We become much more aware of things and areas in which we do have power and control, and that in turn reduces our stress, anxiety, and despair. We no longer feel so stuck and mired in negativity.
This is the very essence (and encouragement) of the second line of the Serenity Prayer: “The courage to change the things we can.”
Hence, just as we are unnerved by the things we are powerless over, we are empowered by the things we do have power to do and change—and there are many when we are freed to focus on them.
Acceptance gives us that freedom
I encourage you to explore and embrace your “powers.” Be creative, open—and courageous. Here are a few I have personally enjoyed during this time.
*Tending to the “little” things that I didn’t have time for before: gardening, organizing my closet, drawers, and files; cleansing and ridding the house of unneeded and unused “extras”; strolling in the neighborhood, admiring the natural beauty all around me, and saying “hello” to neighbors on different streets I hadn’t yet met; reconnecting with friends I hadn’t talked to in a long time; and drawing and painting.
*Enjoying my wife’s healthy home cooked meals.
*Listening to informative and humorous podcasts and participating in online virtual meetings and get togethers through Zoom.
*Re-reading some favorite books and enjoying them even more.
*Face timing with my 96 year old mom, whom I am unable to visit because of the mandated lock down in her assisted living home.
*Being more aware of, and grateful for, the many blessings I have in my life, including a loving family, good friends, blue skies and sunny days, good health, and much more.
*Learning more about what’s truly important to me and what changes and additions I would like to make once the crisis subsides and hopefully passes.
These powers have brought me unexpected pleasure, comfort, and balance during this trying time. Most were inspired by my daily reciting and applying the tenets of The Serenity Prayer. (See my post, “Optimizing the Benefits of the Serenity Prayer.”)
I hope you have benefited from discovering your own “powers.” Please share them with me and others. We are all in this powerful storm together and let us weather it together by supporting and helping one another.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
* “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
The wisdom to know the difference.”
**If you enjoyed this post, please share it on your Facebook page and with your friends.
The Holidays are upon us! As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension and agitation. Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic. It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.
But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat. Her chosen path is,
Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.
Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself. Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.
Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.
Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.
After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.
Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”
Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.
Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”
True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.
She also maintained realistic expectations. Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.
People Stressors
Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays. We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know, control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”
Take heed, though, because
Acceptance insulates us from people stressors.
When we are able to accept people stressors as they are, their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do! (Acceptance does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior. See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)
The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.
A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays. We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.
As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.
That’s why it is also important to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can get so wrapped up in things.
If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”
So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!
Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!
In the meantime,
Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
*If you liked this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
There are formidable challenges to accepting people and things as they are. In the Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are I explore in depth how to overcome the main obstacles to practicing acceptance. As part of my efforts to help “Make Acceptance Go Viral,” I recently wrote an article for the popular blog, Purpose Fairy, entitled “Four Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance–and How to Overcome Them,” which is reproduced below. I hope you find it helpful in practicing acceptance.
*****************
“More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships. Acceptance leads to a life marked by realistic expectations, greater humility, and new choices, discoveries, and possibilities, as well as reduced sorry, stress, and frustrations—a life where hope replaces despair.
The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer andthe widely practiced 12 Step Programs. It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.
Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is not difficult. Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to “practice acceptance”? And why do we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.
Overcoming Four Major Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance
I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it. I have done extensive research, reflected on my own experience with hardships, and interviewed people who are blessed with the serenity of living in acceptance, even in the most discouraging situations.
In doing so, I have come to believe there are at least four fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance.
We Are Too Fearful.
Fear is a powerful acceptance blocker. We are fearful that if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed. For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school (and not get into college!) Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects and quirks of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.
Consequently, facing and processing such acceptance fears make it much easier to accept others and things as they are. Our fears are mostly illusory or speculative. Apt acronyms for FEAR are False EvidenceAppearing Real and Future Events Already Ruined. Think about this for a moment. Isn’t it the case that most of our fears are based on suppositions, speculations concerning events that haven’t yet occurred? If you constantly remind yourself of this, your fears will not undermine you.
We Expect Too Much of Others.
Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.
Our expectations are often based on our perceived needs that we look to others to satisfy. The real truth is that only wecan satisfy our core needs.
To help moderate your expectations, here are three pertinent questions you can ask yourself:
Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations of another person?
Am I looking for him to fulfill those needs?
Can she realistically fulfill those needs– even if she wanted to?
We Lack Trust and Faith.
Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay (or that we will be okay) if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it “play out” naturally because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.
Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions. You need only look back on your past life experiences and travails to realize this is the case. I have found that it helps to verbalize trust; i.e., “I trust that (fill in the blank) will work out okay”, “I trust that I will overcome this challenge.”
We Are Not Humble Enough.
Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way is the best or right way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.
It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe. Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently. To believe that our way is best for others borders on arrogance.
An Acceptance Challenge!
Overcoming these acceptance obstacles—even partially—enhances practicing acceptance. Thus, during this week I challenge you to focus on accepting people and things as they are—which is to say accepting life on life’s terms—by reducing your expectations, being more humble, addressing your fears, and trusting that everything will turn out as it is meant to me.
In doing so, I am confident The Gifts of Acceptance await you!”
********************
I would be very interested in learning about what obstacles have made it difficult for you to accept people and things as they are and how you have overcome or mitigated their impact.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is.”
….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!
Danny
*If you like this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.
**I am excited to let you know that The Gifts of Acceptance is now available as an audiobook on audible.com.
The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people. We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.
Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”
I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety: Let Go of Control!
Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.
Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more during the holidays if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?
You can—by letting go of control. Here are some holiday decontrol tips that will assist you.
Try not to expect too much of others, especially family. As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment—and the harmful control actions warned against in recovery books. It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act. After all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves. And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.
For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a holiday dinner or party, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen. Instead trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur and still enjoy the reunion.
Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions. Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush. Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way. Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully. To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.
Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking. Don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.” Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen! Instead, trust that everything will work out as it was meant to be. By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.
Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. I devote an entire chapter to embracing your Personal Truths in Losing Control, Finding Serenity.
In simple terms, this involves identifying and processing the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.
For example, if you are feeling anxious because of all the things you feel you want or need to do during the holidays, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it. Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically. Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it. As many recovery books suggest, “Embrace” it, if you will. Ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t? The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.
Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.
If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will enjoy the holidays more. You might even look forward to them!
In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season. And remember to,
Let It Go!
Danny
*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on our Facebook page and share it with your friends.
When my doctor checked my pulse and blood pressure at a recent physical exam, my pulse was only 47—well below the 60-80 norm—and my blood pressure was a healthy 98/68. Admittedly, I exercise regularly, but leaving the doctor’s office I wondered whether that alone would account for such good readings—especially for a 70 year old.
It then occurred to me that the readings might also be attributable to the fact that I am now much better at letting go of control in important areas of my life (work, children, loved ones, friends and the like).
In other words, could letting go of control be a valuable key to a healthier heart?
I believe it is. Medical research and studies confirm that our hearts are adversely impacted by excessive stress, worry, fear, and anger.
And, quite simply:
*When we control less, we stress less;
*When we control less, we worry less;
*When we control less, we fear less; and,
*When we control less, we resent less.
If this all seems too “non-scientific” to you, I encourage you to try the following:
1. In the morning or evening of the first day, measure your blood pressure and pulse.
2. For the next three days, endeavor to let go of control the best you can at work, with your children, close relationships, and troublesome concerns. Don’t pressure, force, resist—or persist. Just accept, allow, trust and let be. I understand that this may not be easy—especially if you have the propensity to be a controller. The key is to simply try your best. It’s a matter of progress, not perfection. Striving for perfection induces control-based actions. *To assist yourself, try some of the Decontrol Tips and Tools described in my posts in that category at the right column of this page.
3. After three days, again measure your blood pressure and pulse at about the same time that you did on the first day.
4. Finally, do the simple math to determine if and/or how much your pulse and blood pressure have improved.
Admittedly, there can be many unaccounted for variables that impact your results.
However, you have nothing to lose by taking the test—and here’s why:
Even if the results are not conclusive, I am quite confident that you will have less stress, worry, fear, and anger—and more peace and serenity!
These and other benefits will increase further as you become better and better at letting go of control. It definitely takes commitment and practice—and at times courage—but it is well worth the effort. Eventually, letting go of control will become a more natural, intuitive way of living and engaging people and things.
I would love to hear how your heart test went. Were your pulse and blood pressure lower? Did you have less stress and anxiety? Were the decontrol days more enjoyable?
Here’s to your healthier heart!
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–And Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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