Truths and Tips #3: Letting Go of Control

| October 19, 2020

Q: How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less?  (Part 2)

A: Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips Q&A #2 emphasized the importance of identifying our fears as the first step in reducing or removing them.

Once you have a clearer understanding of your fears, the next step is to confront and process them.

Here are two ways to do that:

  1. Objectify your fears. Separate the “real facts” from the dramas that your emotions script with respect to your unsettling feelings and concerns. The real facts are rarely as foreboding as our imaginations make them be.  Most often they are illusory.

An acronym for this propensity is False Evidence Appearing Real.

So, make an effort to Objectify your fears by questioning the “false evidence!”

  1. Don’t speculate.Most speculations are negative.   Be aware of your mind’s posing “what might happens” and then cease. You have the power to do that!

It helps if you remember an acronym for this unhealthy dynamic: Future Events Already Ruined.

Remember that nothing is “ruined” at this moment!  Most of my speculations never happened.   Very likely, yours, too.  Be cognizant of that, and

Don’t Speculate!  

I can tell you with confidence that if you are able to confront and process your fears in these ways, even if only for a short while, their tentacles will begin to loosen their grip and you will experience immediate relief, and with that, your need or compulsion to control will diminish.   Maybe even disappear!

Questions to Ponder: 

  1. How often do you speculate about future events?
  1. What percentage of time did they fail to occur?

I would be curious to know your answers.  Please share them with me.

In the meantime, remember to

“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Improving the Love Flow Through Acceptance

| March 10, 2020
loving relationships

Accepting our loved ones for who, what, and how they are leads to greater trust and deeper bonds, two of the major gifts of acceptance I write about in The Gifts of Acceptance.   Simply put, it improves the love flow.

Not so simple, however, is accepting  the quirks, idiosyncrasies, and habits of our loved ones that we dislike or find annoying.   It can be very challenging,  to be sure, but is essential for true acceptance. (For more on what acceptance is—and isn’t–see my post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance.”)

Below is an article of mine about several important keys to overcoming the challenges of accepting our loved ones that was recently published in the Tiny Buddha blog, which has over 4,500,000 followers.   I hope you enjoy it.

   How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship        

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”—Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.

Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally?  Indeed, almost effortlessly.   There is a good reason for this.   These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow.

When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough.  That they fall short.

Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart?

Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow.

Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship.

If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well?

Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.

           Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One

When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change the traits and habits of loved ones or opine and advise what they should do differently.

Myself included!

I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage.  In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage.  I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled.

She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later.  When I continued harping, I was quickly met with,

“You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry…andkeeping the garage neat!”

Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!

I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond.

As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was–clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow.  Our bond is stronger than ever today.

Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected “gift.   It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter.  I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise.

Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me.

Simply put, it was about me, not her!

It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask,

Do I really have the power to change my loved one? 

In most cases, we don’t. The simple truth is that people will change when and if they choose or are able to do so, not because we want them to.

         Reduce Your Expectations of Your Loved One 

High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment, and disconnect.   My friend Margaret shared how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:

“Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships I have had. I start out being fun and easy going, but once the relationship begins to build, I start to expect a certain level of communication, contact and time together. . .. I almost don’t know I’m doing it. I hear the person say they feel pressure and like every thing has to be scheduled, yet I continue. It is horrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I need to let go, I just don’t seem to know how to do it.”

Margaret’s quandary is not uncommon: few expectations at the beginning when the “love stakes” are low, and steadily increasing as the relationship becomes more serious.

One thing is clear, however: When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting him.

Underlying many of our expectations are core needs we look for others to fulfill.  For example, we may believe if our partner would be more nurturing or spend more time with us—instead of working so much or doing other things—we would be more content and less lonely. Or if she took more interest in our endeavors and passions, they would be more satisfying.

Consider, though, whether we are truly better off if our loved one does as we want or expect? Is our happiness and well-being that dependent on them? I suggest not.

When our focus and reliance is too much on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can make to improve the relationship.

It can help reduce your expectations, if you ask yourself this question:

Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically fulfill?  

Most often they are something that only we can. 

              Honor Your Loved One’s Choices 

All people, including our loved ones, have their own life path and are entitled to make the choices and decisions that influence and ultimately determine that path.

We can have compassion for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want what’s best for them, but we cannot truly know what is best for them. 

That’s because we look at things through our own history, prisms, and filters, not theirs. Hence, we should accept their choices, unless we or others are harmed by them. When we don’t, we aren’t accepting them as they are, and risk impeding and jeopardizing their path.

To be sure, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling inclinations and keep my ego in check or quiet that “I know what’s best” part of me.

I also need to remind myself that others’ points of view and choices have validity—for them. 

                        Acceptance is a Choice

In the final analysis, accepting our loved one for who, what, and how he or she is, is a choice that each of us has to make. We are essentially powerless over changing their ways and traits that we dislike, and trying to do so makes things worse.

We are much better served by focusing on what we do have control over: our part or role in the relationship.

That includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions, and our willingness to own up to our own shortcomings and part in relationship dysfunctions.

And remember,

No one is perfect and without flaws, least of all ourselves! 

I encourage you to choose acceptance—and improve the love flow!

……………………………………………………………..

(A related post you might enjoy is “Letting Go of Control Improves the Love Flow.”)

I would love to hear about what has worked well for you in accepting your loved one as she or he is and how that has helped!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

…and let’s help make acceptance go Viral!

Danny

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Emerson and the Correlationship Between Control and Contentment

| February 1, 2019

As a prequel to the pages of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, I cited the following insightful words of Ralph Waldo Emerson from his essay, “Spiritual Laws,” published in 1841:

“There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life…then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

In recently reflecting upon Emerson’s words again, I thought about how peaceful and wonderful it is to be “in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom” that brings us “a perfect contentment”–even if for only a few moments at a time.

The Correlationship Between Control and Contentment

His words are such a poetic expression of the strong correlation—and dynamic–between letting go of control and living within the abode of power, wisdom, and contentment. My book’s title Losing Control, Finding Serenity is intended to reflect that correlationship.

Simply put, control obstructs the “stream” of life’s natural currents.  You can’t flow when you control.

That’s why I write extensively in the book and in this blog about the catalysts and causes of our controlling actions and how we can overcome them.

The Correlationship Between Fear and Control 

One major cause is worth examining again: Fear

Our fears about all the “what ifs” and “what might happens” cause us to hold on tightly, to “grip” life’s natural currents. As such, much like gripping a moving conveyor built, we either get “burned” or dragged along.

Fears are almost always illusory and don’t like being exposed for what they are–cowardly.

Thus, to overcome our fears, we must address and process them.  We must move closer to them, confront them–and call their bluff!  The following acronym for fear identifies one way to do that: Future Events Already Ruined.   Hence,

Don’t make assumptions or speculate about the future negatively.

Instead, address what is real for you today and trust that you will be able to handle what tomorrow brings–tomorrow.  In doing so, you will reduce your compulsion to control and thereby place yourself in the middle of the stream of power, wisdom, and contentment.  And what a great place to be!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What is!” and,

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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Albert Pujols Lets Go of Control and Loses his Slump!

| August 14, 2012

Several months ago I offered some decontrol suggestions to Albert Pujols on how he could come out of the horrendous batting slump he was mired in following his signing a record breaking contract with the Los Angeles Angels.

At the time, he was batting a measly .194 with NO home runs!

Remarkably, in the three months since he has hit .303 with 24 home runs and 71 runs batted in.

Why?  Because he let go of control!

Pujols confirmed this in the lead article in the August 13 Sports Section of the Los Angeles Times entitled “On a Barrel Roll, ” where he remarked:

“I think everyone was pressing, not just myself, but I was the face because I signed the big contract, and I had to show people I was worth every penny.”

Significantly, Pujols wents on to say:

“When I decided not to try to do too much, that’s when things started to turn.”

This aptly illustrates one of the major catalysts of our unproductive and often harmful controlling actions.

Pressing and trying to do too much.

All of which removes us from “life’s natural currents.”   Only when we are willing to lose control, are we able to engage and act more intuitively and expansively within the natural flow of life—whether it be our work lives, our home lives, creative lives—or in Albert Pujol’s case, our sports and performance lives.

The next time you are mired in a “slump,” try letting go of control.   And please let me know how it worked for you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?

| December 26, 2011

 

The December 24 Books section of the Wall Street Journal features an article by Amy Chua, aka Tiger Mom, in which Ms. Chua attempts to justify her domineering parenting techniques as she continues to back peddle from the widespread criticism and anger that her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has provoked.

In the article Mrs. Chua makes undocumented and seemingly inaccurate assertions in support of her parenting methods, which is surprising coming from a law professor at Yale, one of this country’s most esteemed law schools.

Indeed, one may reasonably question whether this controlling Tiger Mom is a bit “out of control” herself.

Take, for example, her following assertion:

“Tiger parenting is all about raising independent, creative, courageous kids.   In America today, there’s a dangerous tendency to romanticize creativity in a way that may undermine it.  Take, for example, all the people who point to Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and conclude that the secret to innovation is dropping out of college.  In fact, both men exemplify extraordinary hard work and drive and resilience in the face of failure—exactly the qualities that tiger parenting seeks to promote.” (my emphasis.)

Is not the implication here that these important qualities were instilled in Steve Job and Mark Zuckerberg through tiger parenting?

Sorry, Ms. Chua, but Steve and Mark were not raised by tiger parents.

In a radio interview earlier this year, Dr. Edward Zuckerberg (Mark’s dad), shared his parenting beliefs as follows:

“Probably the best thing I can say is something that my wife and I have always believed in. Rather than impose upon your kids or try and steer their lives in a certain direction, to recognize what their strengths are and support their strengths and support the development of the things they’re passionate about.”

Further, in responding to a question about Ms. Chua’s book, Dr. Zuckerberg remarked, “I think that extremes in any form in parenting are not good.  Children need to be well rounded.   There’s a place for work and a place for play.”

(Less is known about the parenting style of Steve Job’s now deceased adopted parents, but there is no indication that they were domineering parents.   To the contrary, a neighbor referred to Job’s dad as being very supportive of him and that Jobs did pretty much what he wanted to do as a child.

Do these sound like the words of a tiger parent?

Other assertions in the article are equally questionable.   Ms. Chua states (again without citing any supporting studies or evidence) that,  “I’ve found that tiger cubs raised in America have really high emotional intelligence.  For one thing, they’ve spent their whole lives maneuvering around their crazy, strict parents.”

If this is what it takes to develop high emotional intelligence in children, let us pray for them.

But wait.  There’s more.   Ms. Chua confides that what “drives me the craziest may be the charge that tiger parenting produces robots and automatons,” just after telling us that we are missing the key point to tiger parenting:

“It’s only about very early child-rearing, and it’s most effective when your kids are between the ages of, say, 5 and 12.   When practiced correctly, tiger parenting can produce kids who are more daring and self-reliant—not less.”

I see, so if we hammer it in during our children’s informative years, we will produce creative and self-reliant children that can then go on their merry way.    Ms. Chua, I for one, am glad that Dr. Zuckerberg took a supportive, balanced approach in raising his son and from what we know, Mr. Jobs did the same with his son.

Tiger Parents need to lose some control.

I have expressed in both Losing Control, Finding Serenity and this blog the importance of finding the right balance between control and surrender in vital aspects of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

In fact, for me this is the Fundamental Parental Challenge we face today: namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.  (For some guidelines on how to meet this difficult challenge, see my post, “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Tiger parenting is synonymous with domineering parenting, no matter how you may wish to justify or defend it.  I believe it is an extreme, unnuanced form of parenting that seriously risks harming our children’s full and healthy development, denying them their passions, and impeding independent, original thinking—the very type of thinking that made Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg visionaries.

Indeed, we would have fewer Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerbergs in our world, were tiger parenting to become widely accepted and followed.

I issue the following challenge to Tiger Parents:

Try—just try—giving up a little control in raising your children.  Allow them to choose and have more say about when and how they study and the activities they like; to stay up late sometimes; to be silly and playful; and, to follow their healthy passions even though it’s not what you want for them.

You just might be surprised if you do.   You might have well-rounded, creative, joyous,  self-achievers running around your household!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Five Good Reasons For Accepting People As They Are*

| October 6, 2011

There’s a good reason why dogs are considered “man’s best friend.”   They offer us unconditional acceptance! Even when we’re mad at them or mistreat them, they accept us–often with a wagging tale!

Now with people, that’s quite a different story.   We are not nearly as accepting of others, particularly when they irritate us with their annoying habits and traits.

Do you think our pets know something we don’t?

Perhaps, if we considered the benefits of accepting others as they are, we might be more willing to try.

Five benefits of accepting people as they are.

1.   It avoids resentment and dissension.  Who likes being told what to do and how to be?  Not me.  Do you?   Isn’t it really the same as being told that we are not “good enough?”

2.  It brings closeness.   When people know that you truly accept them, trust develops, they open up more to you, and a closer bond develops.   In particular, it improves relationships with our children, our loved one, and family members.

3.  You experience greater personal growth.   When you accept others, your focus changes from them to you, which allows you to work on fostering your unique skills and talents as well as improving your shortcomings.

4.  It enables you to let go of control and enjoy the many awards that occur when you do.

5.  You have more peace and serenity in your life from the above benefits.

I realize that accepting people’s annoying traits, idiosyncrasies and the like can be very challenging.    It is important to remember, however, that accepting people as they are does not mean you have to like or condone their annoying ways, but simply that you need to accept that is the way they are and that you are powerless over changing them.  So why waste all the time, energy–and serenity–trying?

Your assignment this week:  Be more accepting of others!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*This very post ultimately led (seven years later) to the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are, which has garnered multiple book awards, including being named a Best Wellness Book of 2018 by Library Journal and a 2018 Book of the Year Award Finalist in family and relationships by Foreword Reviews.

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Easy Tips for Letting Go of Control

| September 22, 2011

 

 

Do you realize that you should be letting go of control, say with your children or partner, or at work, but find it real hard to do?

If so, asking yourself these basic, but very effective, decontrol questions will make it much easier:

“How important is it?”

“What will happen if it doesn’t get done today?”

“What am I fearful of?”

“Are my fears based on reality, or mainly imagined?”

“Is this something I can really control?”

Do you have any decontrol questions or tips that work well for you?  Please share them with us.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Control Freaks Suffer, Too—And You Can Help Them!

| August 2, 2011

 

In my media interviews with respect to the recent publication of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, interviewers and listeners alike often relate their considerable angst and discomfort from having to live and/or work with control freaks.

They tell me that control freaks constantly trample their boundaries, frazzle them, and cause them great anxiety—which, of course, comes as no surprise to me since I am a “reforming” controller myself.

However, what is not well understood is how much “suffering” control freaks endure from their unrelenting compulsion to control.

Controllers are consumed and propelled by their strong fears and anxieties.  Their lives are filled with “what might happens.”  They constantly worry about whether important (according to them) matters will be done “right”—which is to say, the way they want them to be done–and on time, and about what dreadful consequences will ensue if they are not.  It is thus no surprise that most control freaks sleep poorly, find it difficult to  “play” and have fun, and have deeper frown lines than laugh lines.

I point these things out not to generate sympathy for their overbearing ways, but rather as an insight that can assist you in fending off controllers!

Let me explain.

Helping Controllers Helps Controllees

Because controllers are driven by their strong fears and anxieties, their compulsion or need to control diminishes commensurately with the lessening of their fears.

It thus follows that you can reduce the discomfort you endure from controllers’ behavior if you can help them reduce their fears and anxieties.

In other words, you can help yourself by “helping” them.

Here is an effective way that controllees can help controllers defuse their fears and anxieties.

Reassure Your Control Freak!

Yes, that’s right.   Reassure him or her that everything will be okay.    They need to hear and feel that.  It eases the “dangers” and nightmares–mostly fictional–that controllers script for themselves.   And don’t be afraid to repeat your reassurances.   The more the better.

Your reassurances should be direct and simple:

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure things are handled properly,” or “Boss, I’ll get right on it.”

If your loved one is a controller, try:

“Dear, don’t worry, every thing will work out all right,” or “Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to help?”

You should, of course, use words and reassurance methods that feel right to you with respect to the controllers (and their concerns) in your life.

How Do You Tame Your Control Freaks?

One of the reasons for my establishing Danny’s Decontrol Yourself Blog is to provide a forum for people to share their stories, experiences, and wisdom concerning the many facets of the control dynamic.

I would thus appreciate hearing from you about some effective ways of “taming” your controllers that you have learned.   Having to deal with the antics of controllers is a major concern for many people and we can all benefit from shared experiences.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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**For more on the subject, read my post “5 Common Myths of Control Freaks.“

 

 

 

Work Control: Five Ways It Harms You and How to Avoid It

| July 11, 2011

 

The workplace is where humanity’s primal drive for sustenance and survival is most prominently played out.   As such, it is a hotbed for costly control practices.  Some graciously refer to the compulsion to control at work as just “trying to get ahead” or “make ends meet,” but in truth it can be argued that it is nothing less than survival of the fittest.

The compulsion to control at work can be so strong, that we rarely stop to consider how much it harms us–and  others.

Pitfalls of Work Control.   Here are five ways that excessive work control harms you:

  • We are rigid and close-minded, and thereby fail to recognize profitable options and opportunities.  We literally have “blinders” because of the intensity of controlling behavior.
  • We are inflexible and thus unable to adapt to the ebb and flow of the
    “work currents,” putting us our of sync with what needs to be timely addressed.
  • By trying to micro-manage everything, we fail to look at the “larger picture.” We are thus unable to discern what is truly relevant with respect to the tasks and issues at hand, resulting in costly diversions of time and money.
  • Our interactions with others become abrasive and confrontational instead of cooperative and thoughtful.
  • We easily become stressed out and overwhelmed because we are constantly fearful of (and obsess about) all the “what ifs” and “what could happens”.

How to Let Go of Work Control. Losing Control, Finding Serenity devotes several chapters on how to let go of control at work and avoid the above pitfalls. Here are  several  “decontrol” tools that will enable you to give up more control at work:

*  Address your work fears.   Fear is the primary catalyst for controlling behavior.  You must address and process these fears in order to let go of work control.  One effective way is to separate the objective facts of troubling work issues from the fictional nightmares you script for yourself.    Identify the real facts as specifically as you can.  Write them down and really focus on them.

*  Take some action to deal with these objective facts—even a small step.   Trust me, your fears will not like being confronted this way and they will soon start to lose their hold over you.   You will then recognize viable options and choices that had been obscured to you previously.   That will further defuse your work fears, and with that the compulsion to control.

*Trust that you will be okay, regardless of what happens.    Remind yourself that you’ve overcome many difficult challenges in the past.   You’re still here, right?  You will also be here tomorrow and the next day.

*Read my poem, “Fear: Fictions’ Best Seller,” which exposes fear for what it truly is: “a wimp” parading in our frail armor!

Try these decontrol tools at work and let me know how it goes for you.

And remember to,

Let It Go!

Danny

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Finding Serenity

| July 2, 2011

As the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am sometimes asked what I mean by “serenity.”

I realize that serenity means different things to different people.    For many, it means peace and tranquility.   For others, it means harmony.    I’ve also heard some people express that it simply means being comfortable in their “own skin.”

As I use it in my book and writings, I intend it to mean all these things—and more.   It is an expansive term;  one that viscerally evokes a core sense of “well being” and freedom and contentment.

“Serenity” thus encompasses  all of these positive feelings and states of being.

An instrumental way in which we can have greater serenity in our lives is by giving up control—particularly those types and forms of control triggered by our strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, resentment and anger.

More specifically, losing control leads to conditions that result in greater serenity. For example, it reduces stress and anxiety;  lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.

That is why so much of my writings in this blog, as well as in my book, is devoted to exploring  methods and ways (“decontrol tools”) in which we can lose control in such vital areas of our lives as parenting, family, intimate relations,  friendships, work and creative endeavors.   Even the short cue at the end of my posts is one such way.

In the meantime, remember

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!

 

Danny

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Losing Control, Finding Flow

| June 17, 2011

We often hear people talk about “going with the flow” when discussing  how they intend to deal with important issues and challenges in their lives.   I think for most, that means they wish to engage matters as they naturally arise, without forcing or resisting.

However, what we hear very little about is how we can actually do it.

I would like to share some ways that have allowed me to access the  flow state, which, for me, is that state of grace where things seem to come to us—almost effortlessly–rather than we to them; where openness and freedom of thought and ideas spring forth almost magically; and where we are aware and grounded.

The Wave

Following a very difficult period of my life twenty-five years ago (and well  before I thought about writing my current book) I began exploring and writing about the idea of being able to glide within “life’s natural currents.”

The metaphor that came closest to the vision of a peaceful life I desired was riding ocean waves.

I thought of there being a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer.  Some  simply vanishing .  Many changing course.  We have no influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them.  As soon as one crests near us, we can extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and glide with it.  If we encounter turbulence, which we always will, we can find ways to protect ourselves.

I even coined my own nautical parlance, such as  “go with the Wave”,  “ride the Wave”, “navigate the currents” and “float with the swells”.  Just verbalizing it in this manner was (and is) very soothing to me.

Indeed, the Wave has played such an important part in improving my life that I included it as the final chapter of Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

Losing Control

I learned that the best way to access the Wave is by letting go of control.   I thus explored effective, practical ways—which I now call “decontrol tools”—that enabled me to more easily let go of control in such vital areas as parenting,  family and friends,  love and romance,  my creative endeavors and at work.   I even found effective ways to do it with my favorite past time, tennis.  I write about these decontrol tools in depth in my book, as well as in this blog.

Finding Flow

Simply put, when you lose control, you find flow.

When you let go of control, it frees life’s “natural currents” and you can then participate in those those currents in an expansive and intuitive manner and discover life’s possibilities.   I quickly learned that the rewards are often unexpected and remarkable.   Turmoil and conflict disappear.  Intimacy and bonds with friends, family and loved ones strengthen significantly.     Fears and worries leave us.    And work becomes less stressful and more profitable.

I encourage you this week to start letting go of control and enjoy life’s flow!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Let Go of Control and Be Happy!

| June 8, 2011

Many of my posts explore the remarkable and often unexpected benefits that come to us when we are able to let go of control–even partially– in such vital areas of our lives as parenting, intimate relations, family and friends, at work and in our creative endeavors.

Simply put, losing control brings freedom and contentment.   Here’s a post on how letting go of control improves your life.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny