The Control—Misery Link

| July 18, 2017

Control freaks beware—those controlling tendencies can create misery in your life.

A friend recently shared, “The more I try to control things in my life, the more miserable I become.  In fact, the misery in my life is directly proportional to how much I try to control things.”

I, of course, knew how excessive control impacts my serenity, but never heard it expressed in quite that way. As I thought about it further, I realized there is indeed a direct link between control and “misery.” Let me explain why.

When we try to control or change others, it breeds anger and resentment because we are not accepting them as they are. In effect, we are telling them they are doing things “wrong” or are not “good enough.” That, in turn, impedes trust, openness and connection, particularly with our loved ones and close relationships.  They are less willing to share with us; to confide in us; and yes, to like and love us. We thus become removed and isolated, even lonely.

That’s not all. Control freaks actually experience stress due to these tendencies. We easily become stressed from devoting so much time and energy to doomed endeavors. We grow frustrated at not being able to control outcomes and with the time we waste trying to. Is it then any surprise that these control-induced impediments make us “miserable?”

My friend is right:

The more controlling we are, the more miserable we will be. 

So why not start letting go of your need to control and be happier? To get you started, here are some posts on decontrol tools and strategies:

5 Key Ways to Let Go of Control in Relationships

Letting Go of Control Truths

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2016

Here’s to being serene instead of miserable!

In the meantime,

         Let It Go—and Accept What Is! 

         Danny

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10 Ways the Need to Control Hurts You

| July 13, 2017

Many people call them control freaks.  Some call them controllers.  Others refer to them as nitpickers and micromanagers.  Whatever you call them, they all have one clear thing in common: The Need to Control.

Hence, the subtitle of my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity,  “How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go.”   As such, the book examines in-depth (using true stories) the many ways our need to control hurts us—and others.

Controlling too much is like gripping a rapidly moving conveyor belt—you either get burned or dragged along.

10 ways for control freaks to get themselves in check:

1.  The intensity of our control-driven actions “blinds” us from recognizing new paths and opportunities that could vastly improve our lives.

2.  The need to control our children’s lives deprives them of opportunities for personal growth.  It also leads to resentment between parent and child.

3.  Control obstructs the creative process.  Creativity flourishes with “opening up”, whereas control closes it down.

4.   Love control causes the dance of romance to lose its rhythm.  Who likes to feel they are not good enough in matters of the heart?

5.  Controlling others at work discourages original thought and ideas.   It also invites conflict and dissension.

6.  Control stymies spontaneity, and with that, the unexpected and often exciting joys it brings.

7.  Control impedes trust and intimacy.  When you keep telling others what they need to do or what’s best for them, they are reluctant to confide in and be open with you.

8.  The need to control diverts us from focusing on where it can do us the most good: ourselves!

9.  When you control, you can’t flow—especially in sports.

10.  Constantly trying to control or change others or things takes inordinate amounts of time.

So, doesn’t it make since to let go of control and enjoy the rewards that follow?

Please share with me and others your experiences about how your need to control has hurt you—and others.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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5 Common Myths of Control Freaks

| June 15, 2017

Most control freaks live a life filled with grand illusions and myths about the efficacy of control.  Here are five common myths that control freaks harbor:

Control Freaks Myth #1:

The power to significantly change others.

Truth:

The only person who can meaningfully change their ways, attitudes or nature is the person himself or herself—and only if he or she chooses to do so.

Myth #2:

They are happier and more content when they are controlling.

Truth:

Excessive controllers create anxiety, resentment, and overall “dis-ease”—for themselves and others. As the real life stories in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, the more you try to control, the less serenity you have.

Myth #3:

The more they are able to control things, the more control they will have over their own lives.

Truth:

The only way you can gain more control over your life is through letting go of control.  Which is to say, you gain control by losing control.

 

Myth #4:

They are secure, confident, and fearless.

Truth:

Controllers are consumed and driven by their fears, anxieties, and insecurities.  That’s why they feel the need to control.  (See my post, Understanding Control Freak Dynamics)

As the wise sage Allan Watts says in the Wisdom of Insecurity (Vintage Books, 1951), “the desire for security and feeling insecure are the same thing.”  If control freaks were truly confident and fearless, they would allow life’s natural currents to flow freely (and without their intervention)—and be bestowed with the remarkable gifts that result.

Myth #5:

They know what’s best for others.

Truth:

Control freaks seldom know what’s best for themselves, let alone others.   They erroneously—and often arrogantly–believe that what works for them, will work for others.    Indeed, I doubt that any control freak has ever been accused of being too humble!

Do the controllers in your life harbor these myths?  Please let me know.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Control Freak Bosses Are Poor Managers

| May 21, 2017

The compulsion to control at work can be so strong that we rarely stop to consider how much it harms us, our employees, and of course, our business. This is particularly true with respect to micro-managers, nit-pickers, and other control freaks.

In a previous post, Work Control: Five Ways It Harms You and How to Avoid It, I outlined some of the pitfalls of excessive work control and offered some tips on how to let it go.   One of the harms I mentioned was that “Our interactions with others become abrasive and confrontational instead of co-operative and thoughtful.”

Research is now confirming the importance of business leaders’ controlling less, and establishing positive relationships with their employees. A May 18, 2017 article by Rob Waugh in UK Yahoo News, Results Driven Control Freaks Aren’t Always the Best Managers, Research Finds, cites Professor Oyvind Lund Martinsen, head of Department of Management and Organization at the BI Norwegian Business School, as saying that research to date suggests that leaders should focus on being relationship-oriented.   The Professor states:

“Employees expect a great deal of autonomy, that is, influence on their own working day, and to be given the leeway to solve challenges at work on their own…The idea of the ‘slave driver’ manager—brimming with genius ideas—is popular with board members, but disastrous with employees. …This kind of … driven executive who manages the company based on production requirement and meeting goals, is often on a collision course with today’s employees.” 

Let me go a step further. It is my belief that most control freaks (and executives) are, in fact, “poor” managers.   Because they are so rigid and inflexible, they are unable to adapt to the ebb and flow of the “work currents,” putting them out of sync (and likely touch) with what needs to be timely addressed.   When everything is “so important” to them, how can they discern what truly is important?   Consequently, costly diversions of time, energy, and resources become the norm.  Moreover, by being so controlling, they are  “blinded” from spotting potentially profitable paths and choices.   Simply put, excessive control restricts, binds, and limits both at work and at home.

Please Share Your Experiences with Control Freak Bosses 

Have you ever worked for a control freak boss or manager?   What impact did their behavior have on your work production? On your creativity? On you personally? On your co-workers?   How did you deal with the situation?  Were you able to stand up to him or her?  Please share your experiences with us!!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept What Is 

Danny

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Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2015

| January 5, 2015

 

Have you set your intentions for 2015 yet? Because of their importance to my serenity, I annually review and update my intentions for letting go of control. Such intentions are highly effective in reducing our need or compulsion to control others and things. Below are my intentions for letting go of control in 2015 together with links to prior posts on the particular subjects.

I intend to:

Let go of the things that I cannot realistically change

Trust more that my children will make decisions that are best for them

Trust that I will be okay whatever the situation

Reduce my expectations of others

Recognize that what works for me does not necessarily work for others

Focus on improving my own shortcomings rather than trying to change others

Try to live more within the natural ebb and flow of  life

Be aware of the impermanence of life

Remember that most things are not as important as I think they are

Live and Let Live

Be more patient

Recognize that there is more than one path to an acceptable destination.

Timely process my  and resentments

Accept life as it is

Say the Serenity Prayer each morning

Be aware of the beauty all around me

Be more aware of and  grateful  for the many blessings in my life

And,

Repeat these intentions at least once a week throughout the year

If you have control issues as a parent, a co-worker, a lover, or a family member, my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity, How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (a seven year Amazon bestseller.) can be very helpful.

What are your intentions for letting go of control in 2015?  Please share them with me.  I encourage you to try the ones above that personally speak to you or formulate your own.   I am confident your reward will be,

Greater Serenity in 2015! 

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go! 

Danny

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How Confidence Helps Tame Control Freaks

| November 30, 2011

In my radio interviews following the publication of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am frequently asked for advice on how people can deal with the control freaks in their lives, whether it be a controlling spouse at home or a control freak boss at work.    I would like to share with you several effective way to tame controllers.

Well into my adult years I was an obsessive, massive controller in all areas of my life.    Indeed, I frequently describe my former self as a controller extraordinaire.

However, even during my controlling worst, there was one thing that invariably relieved my strong need to control everything and everyone.

Confidence in Others!

When I dealt with competent, confident people—particularly at work–it was very easy for me to relinquish control.   Why?   Because I trusted they were good at what they did—maybe even better than me!  Control freaks are accused of many things, but being humble is not one of them!

Simply put, controllers need to feel reassured that things will be properly taken care of and that everything—including them—will be okay.

Why?   Because,

Controllers are Fear Driven!

They are constantly engulfed by their fears and anxieties. (That is why I write extensively about how to defuse our fears in both my book and this blog.)   Controllers constantly worry and obsess about all the “what ifs” and “what might happens.”   In a nutshell, that’s what compels them to control.    They believe—erroneously—that only through controlling means will they secure what they need—or feel they need, because the truth of the matter is, few truly know what they need.

Knowing all this about controllers, here are three things you can do to help you tame the controllers in your life:

* Act as confidently and self-assured as you can around them. Even if you aren’t, act “as if” you are!   In doing so, you will likely become more confident!

*Reassure them. Let them know that you will take care of everything—that you are there for them.  “Not to worry,” so to speak.

*Don’t engage them. By this, I mean let them vent and get things out of their system.   And don’t take any of it personally.   It’s not about you.   It’s all about them, meaning their fears and apprehensions.   In that manner, you can more easily do the first two things.

I really believe that if you start doing these things, you will begin taming the controllers in your life.    They sure helped tame me!

Please let me know how it goes.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Control Freaks Suffer, Too—And You Can Help Them!

| August 2, 2011

 

In my media interviews with respect to the recent publication of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, interviewers and listeners alike often relate their considerable angst and discomfort from having to live and/or work with control freaks.

They tell me that control freaks constantly trample their boundaries, frazzle them, and cause them great anxiety—which, of course, comes as no surprise to me since I am a “reforming” controller myself.

However, what is not well understood is how much “suffering” control freaks endure from their unrelenting compulsion to control.

Controllers are consumed and propelled by their strong fears and anxieties.  Their lives are filled with “what might happens.”  They constantly worry about whether important (according to them) matters will be done “right”—which is to say, the way they want them to be done–and on time, and about what dreadful consequences will ensue if they are not.  It is thus no surprise that most control freaks sleep poorly, find it difficult to  “play” and have fun, and have deeper frown lines than laugh lines.

I point these things out not to generate sympathy for their overbearing ways, but rather as an insight that can assist you in fending off controllers!

Let me explain.

Helping Controllers Helps Controllees

Because controllers are driven by their strong fears and anxieties, their compulsion or need to control diminishes commensurately with the lessening of their fears.

It thus follows that you can reduce the discomfort you endure from controllers’ behavior if you can help them reduce their fears and anxieties.

In other words, you can help yourself by “helping” them.

Here is an effective way that controllees can help controllers defuse their fears and anxieties.

Reassure Your Control Freak!

Yes, that’s right.   Reassure him or her that everything will be okay.    They need to hear and feel that.  It eases the “dangers” and nightmares–mostly fictional–that controllers script for themselves.   And don’t be afraid to repeat your reassurances.   The more the better.

Your reassurances should be direct and simple:

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure things are handled properly,” or “Boss, I’ll get right on it.”

If your loved one is a controller, try:

“Dear, don’t worry, every thing will work out all right,” or “Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to help?”

You should, of course, use words and reassurance methods that feel right to you with respect to the controllers (and their concerns) in your life.

How Do You Tame Your Control Freaks?

One of the reasons for my establishing Danny’s Decontrol Yourself Blog is to provide a forum for people to share their stories, experiences, and wisdom concerning the many facets of the control dynamic.

I would thus appreciate hearing from you about some effective ways of “taming” your controllers that you have learned.   Having to deal with the antics of controllers is a major concern for many people and we can all benefit from shared experiences.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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**For more on the subject, read my post “5 Common Myths of Control Freaks.“