The Love Enabler Test!

| February 13, 2022

Are You a Love Enabler?  It’s a less apparent form of love control.   In fact, you may not be aware that you are one or how much it can impact your love bond.

Love Enabling

When we continually give too much or do too much for our loved ones, we are usually trying to control them–and instead risk taking away from them.   Thus, a husband’s giving his wife a large allowance so she doesn’t have to work may result in his wife foregoing her own career ambitions.

Love enabling can also breed dissension.  For example, a wife who gets tired from constantly running errands and taking care of the personal needs of her husband may become resentful because she doesn’t have the time to take care of her own personal needs.   Further, her husband may similarly be resentful because he feels his wife is too intrusive.

In addiction environments, enabling frequently occurs when the mate or partner of an addict constantly “rescues” him, thus saving him from the adverse consequences of his destructive actions.     However, the rescuer usually does not realize that the only way the addict will be induced to seek treatment or help is by suffering the painful consequences of his or her actions.

Are You a Love Control Enabler? 

It is not always easy to determine whether someone is a love enabler because it is only natural to want to “give” and “do” things for the ones we love and care about.    There are no hard and fast rules.   It is usually a matter of degree and constancy.  There are, however, some probing inquiries or guide lines that can assist in the determination.

Love Enabling Guidelines

Answer these questions as truthfully as you can.

  1. Are your actions depriving your loved one of valuable learning experiences and a sense of self -reliance? I remember my aunt never being able or wanting to learn how to drive because my uncle drove her everywhere she wanted.    After he died, to our surprise, within a couple of months she learned how to drive.
  1. What is the real motive behind your action? It is easy to discount our real motives for “helping” our loved ones. Consider whether the main reason you are doing something for your partner is because you want to make it “easier” or “better” for yourself.   For example, you may repeatedly help your wife clear her clutter because you believe it will help her stop cluttering.    However, the underlying motive may be that living with clutter unsettles you.

In either case, your helping her may exacerbate the problem and impede her personal growth.  Why?  Because your assistance provides little or no incentive for her to deal with the clutter herself.  If you abstained, the clutter may pile up so much that even she can’t stand it anymore.  She may then start doing something about it and in the process gain the inner satisfaction and self-esteem that comes from taking care of her needs.

      3. Are you constantly trying to solve your loved one’s problems? If so, you are once again impeding his or her opportunities for personal growth, self-reliance, and inner satisfaction.

  1. Do you help because you want things done your way? Aside from depriving your loved one of valuable learning experiences, it usually means that you do not trust that he can do it properly himself, which can undermine his self-confidence.    Instead, try to be more humble.  There is more than one way of doing most things and there is no assurance that your way is the best or right way.   Most often, it is simply a way!

Some Valentine’s Day Challenges 

Consider accepting the following “love” challenges for Valentine’s Day and this month:

*Allow your loved one the dignity of solving his or her problems and challenges.

*Examine your real motives for wanting to “help” your loved one.

*Listen attentively to the concerns of your loved one—without adding your two cents. 

Please let me know of your love bond begins to glow brighter!

In the meantime, remember to

Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Truths and Tips #6: Letting Go of Control

| November 17, 2020

         

Q: Is it difficult to let go of control?  Where does one begin? 

A:   Letting go of control can be extremely difficult because we have been raised with control; it is taught to us and all around us.  Our parents, bosses, teachers, and religious leaders—much of what they do is control based.

Control is thus what we have come to know. It is what we think works for us (which I strongly refute in Losing Control, Finding Serenity).   As such, it is a deeply engrained habit—one in which we feel very uncomfortable and even insecure in giving up.

The first step in changing the propensity to control is to become better aware of your controlling ways.  Many of us have little inkling of how much, how often, and in what we ways we try to control people and things around us.  We can see it in others, but much less so in ourselves.

Control can be subtle.   Suggesting or reminding too frequently, encouraging too strongly, or preaching too intently are common control devices.  Enabling our children and loved ones is another.

The “decontrol” process starts with an honest inventory of your controlling patterns. To do this, you have to reign in your ego and muster the courage to see yourself as you are—blemishes and all.

For example, are you typically judgmental? Highly opinionated? Overly critical? Too aggressive?

Questions to Ponder:

“Can you identify two ways you controlled today?”

“Are you fearful of what might happen if you let go of a pressing matter for a day?

Please share your answers with me!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Truths and Tips #3: Letting Go of Control

| October 19, 2020

Q: How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less?  (Part 2)

A: Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips Q&A #2 emphasized the importance of identifying our fears as the first step in reducing or removing them.

Once you have a clearer understanding of your fears, the next step is to confront and process them.

Here are two ways to do that:

  1. Objectify your fears. Separate the “real facts” from the dramas that your emotions script with respect to your unsettling feelings and concerns. The real facts are rarely as foreboding as our imaginations make them be.  Most often they are illusory.

An acronym for this propensity is False Evidence Appearing Real.

So, make an effort to Objectify your fears by questioning the “false evidence!”

  1. Don’t speculate.Most speculations are negative.   Be aware of your mind’s posing “what might happens” and then cease. You have the power to do that!

It helps if you remember an acronym for this unhealthy dynamic: Future Events Already Ruined.

Remember that nothing is “ruined” at this moment!  Most of my speculations never happened.   Very likely, yours, too.  Be cognizant of that, and

Don’t Speculate!  

I can tell you with confidence that if you are able to confront and process your fears in these ways, even if only for a short while, their tentacles will begin to loosen their grip and you will experience immediate relief, and with that, your need or compulsion to control will diminish.   Maybe even disappear!

Questions to Ponder: 

  1. How often do you speculate about future events?
  1. What percentage of time did they fail to occur?

I would be curious to know your answers.  Please share them with me.

In the meantime, remember to

“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips (#1)

| September 29, 2020

The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.

Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.

Below is the first one.  Others will follow in upcoming posts.

Q:  What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes? 

A:  FEAR!  Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions.  We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses.  In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive.    That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.

Questions for You to Ponder: 

“What core fears propel you to control?”

“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways?   How ?”

Please share your responses with me!

In the meantime,

“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Three Misconceptions About Acceptance

| March 2, 2019

Do you have trouble accepting annoying people in your life?  If you are like others I have spoken to on the matter, your thoughts on the subject might be similar to theirs:

Why should I accept . . .

My sister’s condescending behavior?
My mother’s belittling me all the time?
My husband’s telling me what’s best for me?
My boss’s nitpicking ways?

If pressed to at least try accepting such people as they are, they might respond with something like

Why should I have to put up with them?
What good will it do me?
I don’t need them in my life.
I refuse to sacrifice my principles and values.
Nothing will really change.

These are all very valid concerns, and truth be told, I’ve felt them many times myself. However, I have learned that they stem mainly from certain misconceptions about what acceptance means.  In The Gifts of Acceptance (recently named a Best Wellness Book of 2018 by Library Journal), I discuss them at length in the chapter titled “What Acceptance Is–And Isn’t.”

For now, let’s take a look at three common misperceptions about acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean,

That you approve or condone another’s behavior. 

It is a mistake to equate acceptance with approval.  You are not approving or condoning another’s actions or behavior by accepting them as they are. Rather, you are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way a person is and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for you aligned with that reality. Hence, you can accept someone as they are even though you disapprove of what the person has done. As such, acceptance is neither a positive or negative mind-set; it is more of an even keeled, neutral one.

However, to be very clear, acceptance does not mean that you should accept abuse, violence, or other aberrant or intolerable behavior. Nor does it mean that you cannot or should not remove yourself from, or even sever ties with, someone if you determine that is in your best interest to do so.

Acceptance also does not mean,

That you must “give in” to others. 

         Acceptance does not require that you relinquish your needs or subordinate your best interests to those of others. Once again, if you feel unfairly burdened or imposed upon, you can disengage or detach—and when necessary, stand your ground. The only thing that I believe you should give in to is that every person has her own life path and that it is beyond your power (and, I believe, right) to meaningfully alter it. If your respective paths are not in sync, you are free to acknowledge that and move on.

And very importantly, acceptance does not mean,

That you have no viable choices. 

To the contrary, it is only by accepting people (annoying or otherwise) as they are, that you are able to recognize the choices and options that will serve you best. Why? Because with acceptance, the focus changes from others and circumstances to you—and what you can do to better serve your needs.

Thus, when you have difficulty accepting someone as they are, keep in mind what it does not mean.   That will make it easer for you to practice acceptance and enjoy the many gifts that follow, including less resentment and frustration and more peace and serenity!

I welcome your thoughts, suggestions, and experiences about accepting difficult people in your lives.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”, 

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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Acceptance or Denial? It’s Your Choice to Make!

| August 28, 2017

 

When we are struggling in coping with a troubling issue, we basically have two choices: We can accept the underlying reality of the situation, or we can deny it.  It’s your choice to make!

I strongly encourage people to choose acceptance because that is the only way we can begin to effectively deal with the problem. But here’s the irony—and challenge: We must first overcome our denial before we know what it is that needs accepting. Which is to say, denial obscures acceptance.

It’s no easy task because we tend to be quite clever and creative with our denials.  Wishful thinking is pervasive. So, too, is our propensity to turn a blind eye or suddenly become a “minimalist.” Typical situations are where parents fail or are too slow to recognize the extent of their children’s drug or alcohol use, when a loved one fails to recognize that his or her partner is dealing with severe anxiety or depression, and when we aren’t addressing a serious health condition.

An even more powerful obstacle is the persistent belief that we have the power to make things better when, in fact, we don’t.  Call this, if you will, the Superman myth. Members of this not so exclusive club include control freaks, dedicated problem solvers, perfectionists, and others with inflated egos.  In short, they believe they can conquer reality.

Such people persist in trying to find solutions until they can’t “fly” anymore and crash to the bottom.  Only then are they able to recognize that they are powerless over the matter.   Regrettably, by that time they may have ruined or lost close relationships or salvageable situations may have become irreparable.

But you need not reach that dire point if you let go of your denial and accept “what is.” My forthcoming book The Gifts of Acceptance includes a chapter on letting go of denial and stories of how people, including many control freaks, were able to overcome their denial. (You can download the first chapter of the book for free by clicking here) You can also get some tips from my recent blog post on the subject.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept What Is!

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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Are You a Love Controller?

| August 22, 2017

Are you or your loved one a love controller? If so, this can be very hard on the relationship. Love control obstructs the romantic flow.  It forces the action, rather than allowing the love currents to unfold naturally so that people can relax and just be themselves—and offer their love and kindness without pressure or expectations.

Simply put, most people don’t like being told what to do, how to be, or how to act in matters of the heart. Do you?

And yet, if you were to ask a friend or your love one if they considered themselves a love controller, my guess is that they would likely say no.  Are you a love controller?  Let’s find out. Take the Love Control Test from my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How To Let It Go. 

The Love Control Test 

Ask yourself the following:

Do I usually feel I know what’s best for my partner?

Do I charm or pout or withdraw to get my way?

Am I often impatient with him or her?

Do I try to solve his or her problems?

Am I quick to point out my partner’s shortcomings?

Do I expect my partner to do what I want?

Do I look to the other person for my own happiness?

Am I overly concerned that my partner will not be able to resolve his or her personal issues?

Am I judgmental of him or her (be honest now!)?

If you answered “Yes” to these questions, this indicates that you are trying to control the relationship.

Now answer these questions:

Do I listen attentively to my partner’s concerns without trying to solve them?

Am I patient with his or her struggles?

Am I willing to let my partner plan our vacations?

Do I play a part in my love conflicts?

Do I accept my partner’s annoying habits?

If you answered “Yes” to these questions, this indicates that you are not trying to control the relationship.

Is your loved one a love controller? If so, please share with me the ways in which he or she tries to control your relationship.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is”! 

Danny

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The Link Between Addiction and Control

| July 26, 2017

The lives of addicts often reel out of control, especially for those who have not started down the path to personal recovery. Many feel ashamed and powerless over their addiction and many things in their lives. To counter their anxiety and attempt to gain some semblance of control in their lives, they try to exert “external” control over others and important aspects of their lives.

Some believe addicts are control freaks. Licensed clinical social worker Rita Milios explains why in her informative article appearing in Recovery.org titled Control Freak: How to Stop Trying to Change Your World and Change Yourself Instead. Visit this link to read the article.

“If a person feels that they have lost control of themselves and their substance use, they often shift their sphere of control to other areas of their life. Feeling out of control increases the anxiety, and becoming a “control freak” is one way an addict may attempt to reduce this anxiety. Exerting outward control may also be an attempt to manage other uncomfortable emotions, such as depression, low self-esteem or feelings of powerlessness.”

Which Comes First—Addiction or Control? 

Yet, if addiction leads to the need to control, can it also be said that excessively controlling behavior can lead to addiction? An intriguing question, to be sure, given the toxic energy and anxiety created by such compulsive behavior.

Lisa, a recovering alcoholic, isn’t sure which came first for her.  She explains it this way in her introspective article, The Need for Control and Addiction:

“Looking back on my sobriety so far, those early days were cruel and painful. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I hated it. I was out of control, and I hated it. For a control freak like me, that was hard to handle!   I wonder what came first, Control Freak Personality/Type A or Addiction?….I do know that the more I abused alcohol, the more out of control I felt I was, therefore more anxious, therefore I drank more.”

Do Controllers Have More Control Over Their Lives? 

I believe there is a significant link between control and addiction. Irrespective of what comes first, I seriously doubt that addicts gain more control over their lives by being controlling. In fact, in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, I demonstrate through true stories that the best way you can gain control of your life—to the extent that you ever can—is by losing or letting go of control. Many believe it to be the first step in personal recovery And I believe the contrary also to be true:

The more you try to control your life, the more out of control your life becomes! 

Indeed, this belief is a cornerstone of the widely attended Al-Anon Twelve Step Program for personal recovery, where the harms of control are examined and ways of letting go of it shared.

This conclusion is readily apparent if you consider that life’s natural currents are unpredictable and have a constantly moving, ever-changing ebb and flow. Some people refer to this as Life’s Impermanence. Things never remain the same. As such, life (and people) can’t be controlled and trying to do so is akin to gripping a rapidly moving conveyor built: you will either get burned or dragged along.

What’s your belief about the link between addiction and control? Do you believe that control itself is an addiction? Is there an addict in your family that tries to control everything?   Does it alleviate his/her suffering? Please share with me and others your experiences with the addiction/control dynamic.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go! 

Danny

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10 Ways the Need to Control Hurts You

| July 13, 2017

Many people call them control freaks.  Some call them controllers.  Others refer to them as nitpickers and micromanagers.  Whatever you call them, they all have one clear thing in common: The Need to Control.

Hence, the subtitle of my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity,  “How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go.”   As such, the book examines in-depth (using true stories) the many ways our need to control hurts us—and others.

Controlling too much is like gripping a rapidly moving conveyor belt—you either get burned or dragged along.

10 ways for control freaks to get themselves in check:

1.  The intensity of our control-driven actions “blinds” us from recognizing new paths and opportunities that could vastly improve our lives.

2.  The need to control our children’s lives deprives them of opportunities for personal growth.  It also leads to resentment between parent and child.

3.  Control obstructs the creative process.  Creativity flourishes with “opening up”, whereas control closes it down.

4.   Love control causes the dance of romance to lose its rhythm.  Who likes to feel they are not good enough in matters of the heart?

5.  Controlling others at work discourages original thought and ideas.   It also invites conflict and dissension.

6.  Control stymies spontaneity, and with that, the unexpected and often exciting joys it brings.

7.  Control impedes trust and intimacy.  When you keep telling others what they need to do or what’s best for them, they are reluctant to confide in and be open with you.

8.  The need to control diverts us from focusing on where it can do us the most good: ourselves!

9.  When you control, you can’t flow—especially in sports.

10.  Constantly trying to control or change others or things takes inordinate amounts of time.

So, doesn’t it make since to let go of control and enjoy the rewards that follow?

Please share with me and others your experiences about how your need to control has hurt you—and others.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Control and Impermanence

| July 10, 2017

One of the illusions about control is that many of us believe we can significantly alter or impact the natural flow of things, or as I like to say, “life’s natural currents.” This is why our friends or loved ones may refer to us as control freaks.

I write about the folly of control in Losing Control, Finding Serenity.  In short,

The more we try to control others and things, the less control we really have over them.

That delightful philosopher, Alan Watts, forms the issue so eloquently in The Wisdom of Insecurity (Vintage Books, 1953), when he states,

“It must be obvious, from the start, that there is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity….”

This fundamental truth is expressed in different ways.  Dr. Brad Zebrack, an Associate Professor at University of Michigan School of Social Work and a cancer survivor, speaks of it in terms of the impermanence of life.  In a recent Huffington Post he writes,

“We wake each morning and count on the permanence of our surroundings.  Our spouse or partner.  Our parents.  Our children…A morning cup of coffee or afternoon tea.  The routines that get us through the day.  This is called “taking life for granted.”   Yet, impermanence surrounds us.”

Dr. Zebrack then explains how cancer survivors learn to experience the “realities of impermanence” and the importance of letting go of what they want and instead embracing  “what is.”  With little certainty in their world, they can only control such things as how they engage the world and how they claim their own story and ultimately themselves.

Yet, isn’t this true for all of us?

In a world that is in a constant state of flux, isn’t the only thing we really have meaningful control over is ourselves—for example, how we choose to engage people and things, to act and react to what is before us, and our attitudes and beliefs? Indeed,

Are not the desire to control and being part of an impermanent world irreconcilable?

What’s your view on control and impermanence? Do you find them contradictory? Is living life as control freaks realistic or possible? Please share your thoughts and experiences with me.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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5 Common Myths of Control Freaks

| June 15, 2017

Most control freaks live a life filled with grand illusions and myths about the efficacy of control.  Here are five common myths that control freaks harbor:

Control Freaks Myth #1:

The power to significantly change others.

Truth:

The only person who can meaningfully change their ways, attitudes or nature is the person himself or herself—and only if he or she chooses to do so.

Myth #2:

They are happier and more content when they are controlling.

Truth:

Excessive controllers create anxiety, resentment, and overall “dis-ease”—for themselves and others. As the real life stories in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, the more you try to control, the less serenity you have.

Myth #3:

The more they are able to control things, the more control they will have over their own lives.

Truth:

The only way you can gain more control over your life is through letting go of control.  Which is to say, you gain control by losing control.

 

Myth #4:

They are secure, confident, and fearless.

Truth:

Controllers are consumed and driven by their fears, anxieties, and insecurities.  That’s why they feel the need to control.  (See my post, Understanding Control Freak Dynamics)

As the wise sage Allan Watts says in the Wisdom of Insecurity (Vintage Books, 1951), “the desire for security and feeling insecure are the same thing.”  If control freaks were truly confident and fearless, they would allow life’s natural currents to flow freely (and without their intervention)—and be bestowed with the remarkable gifts that result.

Myth #5:

They know what’s best for others.

Truth:

Control freaks seldom know what’s best for themselves, let alone others.   They erroneously—and often arrogantly–believe that what works for them, will work for others.    Indeed, I doubt that any control freak has ever been accused of being too humble!

Do the controllers in your life harbor these myths?  Please let me know.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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