Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows”

| October 2, 2019

We all have uncomfortable lulls in our lives where we feel things are at a standstill, or when we have nothing interesting or productive to engage us, or when we simply feel stuck.

Even the word lull itself makes me feel a certain dread.

My lulls often occur after I’ve completed a project or endeavor in which I was actively engaged, particularly when it was enjoyable and gratifying.

Most recently, I have experienced a lull after the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance.  It was thrilling and deeply rewarding that the book received several major book awards and became an Amazon best seller in multiple categories, and even more so when readers shared with me how much the book had helped them.

An unsettling lull then set in as I took a breather from book marketing.  This one has lasted longer than most.

I have a lot of time on my hands for the first time in the seven years that it took to write and publish the book. And I’m not good with too much time on my hands. I begin to “think” and question too much.

I wondered whether I should I write another book, maybe a journal or guidebook to help people practice acceptance or one that examines the important relationship and links between control and acceptance.  I also wondered whether I should pursue speaking opportunities to further carry the positive messages about acceptance, or whether maybe I should go back to painting, which has taken a back seat to my writing endeavors in recent years?

But, truth be told, I have no real desire to do these things—at least not now.  I began feeling lethargic and have less energy, especially on the tennis court playing the game I love.   (My feet didn’t feel like moving on the court and my game suffered.)

I also began feeling low, even somewhat depressed, although I wasn’t really in touch with it or what may be behind it.

Having both a “Lull” and a “Low” made me think and question even more.

It then hit me what was really going on. I was in denial.  Denial that I would soon be turning 76 and what all that meant.  This was one birthday I was definitely not looking forward to celebrating. My “stinking” thinking kept reminding me that 80 was just around the corner—and that didn’t feel good to me at all!

I half jokingly told my wife, Sigute, that I think I had bypassed a mid-life crisis and may now be having a “later life” one.

She kindly offered some very sage advice.  She suggested I:

“Lean” into my feelings.    By that she meant, try to feel and stay with the unsettling feelings—in my case dread, loss, a sense of emptiness, and disheartenment–rather than trying to block or deflect them, and not to feel that something must be “wrong” in having them.

Although it has been said that feelings are not facts, they nonetheless are real and need to be processed in some manner. Leaning into or embracing them is one good way of doing that.

And also,

Practice Gratitude.   It’s easy to lose sight of all the blessings and good things we have in our lives when we are not feeling well.   There’s a large imbalance that needs to be corrected and awareness and gratitude brings us proper perspective of our “true reality.”   Her simple reminder was enough for me to start recounting my many blessings in the succeeding days, including having a wonderful family and friends, financial security, and good health.  This process works best for me when I verbalize or write them down.  (for more on this, read my post “The Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude”)

Another thing that helped was remembering something I had written about in The Gifts of Acceptance as a key to practicing acceptance, and that is, 

Embrace life’s impermanence.   Our reliance on life and things being fixed or permanent impacts our ability to handle the unexpected when it comes, which it inevitably does–and that includes lulls and lows.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes the suffering caused by resistance to impermanence very simply:

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

It thus behooves us to remember that life has both ups and downs and not to expect or rely otherwise, which only makes matters worse.

As I did these things, my unsettling feelings began to loosen their “hold” on me and I started feeling much better. And although I am still experiencing a little lull (which has lessened in writing this very post!), I no longer feel low.

I now accept that 76 is just a number, and it doesn’t define who I am or limit me. I know, too, that my accepting “what is” will allow me to discover “what might be!”

And what better confirmation of that is just three days ago my tennis partner and I upset the #1 doubles team in California in our age division!

In the mean time,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude

| October 22, 2017

 

Gratitude is a common subject of many recovery books and articles.

Below is an article about gratitude I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”—Cicero

Being grateful or practicing gratitude has many benefits, including improving our health, relationships, careers, sleep, and self-esteem, to name just a few.  In recent years, these benefits have been confirmed in scientific studies showing how the brain is “rewired” by continuous grateful thoughts.   (see “The Grateful Brain”)

However, I recently discovered and experienced another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors’ championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January.  I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play.  I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches.  Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try. Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

I was able to play without injuries.

I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club,

I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before.  I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

Hmm, I’m now thinking there must be something to this “being grateful reduces-the nerves-and-calms-the-mind” thing.  Next match: I played another (and seeded) player who also had soundly beat me the year before.

I again won in two sets.

I’m now in the semi-finals against the #1 seeded player, a former national champion.  I’m not only grateful for this, but I have been playing at a whole new level and having the tennis time of my life.

I lost in two hard fought sets, but not because I was nervous or uptight.  To the contrary, I played extremely well.  I lost because I played a more highly skilled and experienced player who, incidentally, shared with me after the match that he was grateful that he could still play so well in his 70’s!  (I think he was more grateful than me!)

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance probably applies equally to most life arenas.  Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

I soon had the opportunity to prove this to myself again, but in an entirely different setting—a courtroom.  In April, I was in traffic court for a trial to fight a ticket that I felt I had wrongly received.  While waiting in court, I was nervous as heck as I repeatedly went over in my mind what I would say, what the officer would likely say, and how the judge might rule.

Then an amazing thing happened.  I reminded myself to be grateful—yes grateful. Specifically, I was grateful that I had the opportunity to be heard and present my case—something I was clearly unable to do at the time the officer issued the citation.  I was also grateful that I lived in a country where I could seek justice without a lot of constraints.  With those thoughts, my nerves immediately subsided and I became very calm and grounded.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

I have no doubt that being grateful stimulates the brain’s neurons and in effect re-wires the brain to produce a more happier state of being. I believe, however, there are more basic reasons why gratitude bestows upon us a more calm and serene state of mind. For example, being grateful:

  • Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit. We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy.
  • Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake, including “how important is it?”
  • Reduces our anxiety creating fears.
  • Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me.  For example, consider trying it when:

  • You have to give an important talk or presentation.
  • You have a job interview.
  • You have to take an important test.
  • You have to perform or go on stage.
  • You have writer’s block.
  • You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you. Were you calmer? Less tense? More grounded? What was the final outcome?

Visit this link for information about our recovery books.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting Your Foes Helps!

| August 3, 2017

Reading the above title, you may be thinking, “Why should I accept people who are trying to harm or cause me trouble?  They are the last people I would want to accept!” I know I used to feel that way, especially before starting my personal recovery journey.

It’s clearly unnerving to think about accepting those that we feel are toxic, and even more challenging to do so. However, when I look back, I now realize that I suffered unnecessarily from my refusal to accept such people, both in terms of greater personal anguish and poorer results.

This became even more clear to me–of all things—while competing in some seniors’ tennis tournaments. 

  My Unrelenting Tennis Foe

Not long ago, I played a first round match in a tournament against a player who constantly miscalled lines and game scores—both, of course, in his favor.   I felt I was a better player than him, but I let his court antics upset me so much, I lost my focus—and the match.

After entering another tournament several months later, I received a call from this person asking me if I would assist him in entering the same tournament.   He didn’t understand English well and had trouble completing the online entry form.   Oh brother, I thought to myself, do I really want to help him?

Yet, I felt that good sportsmanship required me to do so. When the draws for the tournament came out several weeks later, lo and behold, we were matched again in the first round.

At the time, I was in the midst of studying and writing about the rewards of acceptance, and I instinctively felt there was a reason this was happening: It gave me the opportunity to accept my opponent for the player that he was—crafty and likely not honest—and not let that impact my play.  Here’s what followed in our second match.

After I was ahead in the first set, he started with his shenanigans again, frequently misstating scores and sometimes making bad line calls.   I tried to remain calm, but internally I was very upset by his antics—so much so that I lost my lead and the match!

I left the court so embittered that I vowed never to play him again, even if that meant defaulting a match.   I was very discouraged that despite my efforts, I was still unable to accept this person for who he was.

Unbelievably, two months later I drew him again in the first round of the largest seniors tournament in the United States. Out of 60 players in our division! How could that happen?

Since I didn’t want to put myself through such torment again, I seriously considered withdrawing from the tournament. I still sensed, however, that there had to be some higher meaning or purpose to all this, and decided to play the match.   However, before playing, I knew I had to seriously examine what was required in order to somehow accept my opponent—antics and all—and not let him get the best of me yet again.

 Keys to Accepting My Foe

Here are the keys I used to finally be able to accept my opponent.

* I told myself that I would not speculate further about his motives or character. I thus would not focus on his being a schemer or cheater.   Instead, I considered that there might be reasons beyond my knowledge—or even his—for his poor court manners. That made it easier for me to accept that that’s simply the way he was—and that it had nothing to do with me, and I need not spend mental energy worrying about it.

* I practiced gratitude.In this case, I was grateful for having “the opportunity” to do things differently this time.   This significantly defused my anxiety about playing him again, and when we entered the court, I harbored no ill feelings toward him.

*I focused on what was within my power to do. Namely, to make sure I watched the ball well and played my “own” game, despite whatever he may do during the match. I also requested the presence of a court referee to assist in keeping score and resolving any line disputes.

Here’s how the match went.   I fell behind 5-2 in the first set even though he didn’t misbehave; yet, I remained calm and focused, confident in my belief that the final outcome is all about me, and not him.

I then won nine straight games and the match!

This despite my opponent’s intentionally slowing down play by taking longer than allowed cross-over periods and more time between points.   None of his diversions angered me, nor altered my focus from what I needed to do.   Indeed, I played even better.  I am convinced that had I not found a way to accept my foe, I would have lost again.

Understanding What True Acceptance Means

If you still aren’t keen about the idea of accepting your foes and adversaries (or feel that it would be near impossible to do), a clearer understanding of what acceptance means should help you.   For example, acceptance does not mean,

 *That you approve or condone another’s behavior. You are not approving by accepting. Rather, you are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the person or situation, or “what is”—and deciding what’s best for you based on that reality. Hence, you can accept someone even though you disapprove of what the person says or does.   (This is not to say, however, that you should accept abuse, violence, or other aberrant behavior.)

*That you must “give in” to others.   Acceptance does not require that you relinquish your needs or subordinate your best interests to those of others.   Once again, it means being realistic about the person (or situation); if you feel mistreated or imposed upon, you can disengage or detach–or of course, stand your ground.

 *That you cannot be resentful.   It’s normal and understandable—only “human” if you will—to be upset or resentful when someone acts badly.   What is important, however, is that these feelings be timely addressed and processed, and not be allowed to linger.   When not timely addressed, you will linger in negativity and not be able to “see” the meaningful choices and options available to you. 

And very importantly, acceptance does not mean, 

*That you have no viable choices.   To the contrary, it is only by truly accepting the person as they are (or the situation as it is), that you will be able to recognize the choices and options that will serve you best, as I did in my final match. Why? Because with acceptance, the focus changes from others to you—and what you can do to better serve your own interests.

Your Acceptance Challenge

The next time you deal with an adversary, a perceived enemy—or for that matter, simply a very unpleasant person—I challenge you to try accepting them as they are.   In doing so, note whether there were fewer aggravations. Was it easier to remain calm? Were you better able to focus on taking care of your own needs?

Please let me know how it went!  I would also love to hear about any personal recovery and acceptance stories  you wish to share.

And remember to,

Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*This post first appeared in the popular personal growth blog, Tiny Buddha.

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

 

 

 

 

A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude*

| July 3, 2014

 

Freedom people living a free, happy, carefree life at beach. Silhouettes of a couple at sunset arms raised up showing happiness and a healthy lifestyle against a colorful sky of clouds background.

*Below is an article I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

 

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”–Cicero

 

Being grateful or practicing gratitude has many benefits, including improving our health, relationships, careers, sleep, and self-esteem, to name just a few.  In recent years, these benefits have been confirmed in scientific studies showing how the brain is “rewired” by continuous grateful thoughts.   (see “The Grateful Brain”)

However, I recently discovered (and experienced) another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January.   I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I had struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play.  I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches.   Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try.    Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

“I was able to play without injuries; “

 

“I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club;”

 

“I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.”

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before.  I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

“I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.”

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

Hmm, I’m now thinking there must be something to this “being grateful reduces-the nerves-and-calms-the-mind” thing.   Next match: I played another (and seeded) player who also had soundly beat me the year before.

I again won in two sets.

I’m now in the semi-finals against the #1 seeded player, a former national champion.   I’m not only grateful for this, but I have been playing at a whole new level and having the tennis time of my life.

I lost in two hard fought sets, but not because I was nervous or uptight.   To the contrary, I played extremely well.   I lost because I played a more highly skilled and experienced player who, incidentally, shared with me after the match that he was grateful that he could still play so well in his 70’s!    (I think he was more grateful than me!)

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance, probably applies equally to most life arenas.   Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

 

I soon had the opportunity to prove this to myself again, but in an entirely different setting—a courtroom.   In April, I was in traffic court for a trial to fight a ticket that I felt I had wrongly received.    While waiting in court, I was nervous as heck as I repeatedly went over in my mind what I would say, what the officer would likely say, and how the judge might rule.

Then an amazing thing happened.   I reminded myself to be grateful—yes grateful.   Specifically, I was grateful that I had the opportunity to be heard and present my case—something I was clearly unable to do at the time the officer issued the citation.  I was also grateful that I lived in a country where I could seek justice without a lot of constraints.  With those thoughts, my nerves immediately subsided and I became very calm and grounded.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

 

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

 

I have no doubt that being grateful stimulates the brain’s neurons and in effect re-wires the brain to produce a more happier state of being.    I believe, however, there are more basic reasons why gratitude bestows upon us a more calm and serene state of mind.   For example, being grateful:

*Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit.    We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy;

*Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake (including “how important is it?”);

*Reduces our anxiety creating fears; and,

*Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

 

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me.  For example, consider trying it when:

*You have to give an important talk or presentation;

*You have a job interview;

*You have to take an important test;

*You have to perform or go on stage;

*You have writer’s block; or,

*You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you.    Were you calmer? Less tense?   More grounded?  What was the final outcome?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny