mind body spirit Archives

Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

Daniel A. Miller | May 6, 2020

(4^th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more. High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before. Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient. I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself. I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.” After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst. Specifically, I expected that

It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.

That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.

She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation:

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus. (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves. (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus. My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you liked this post please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

Keys to Moving from Denial to Acceptance

Daniel A. Miller | May 7, 2018

Overcoming denial is a prerequisite to acceptance. You can’t accept “what is” when you are in denial, because you are unaware of or can’t “see”the underlying reality of the situation or person.

Simply put, you can’t accept when you deny.

In my previous post,Letting Go of Denial, I discussed the denial dynamic and its adverse impact on us. My new book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are, explains how we can begin to move from denial to acceptance.

An essential key to the process is being willing to reexamine deeply ingrained beliefs, so that we can gain a greater awareness of when, how, and what we are denying. In the book’s chapter on denial, I list pertinent self-inquiries aimed at gaining the awareness necessary to let go of denial.

Here are three of them:

“Is an important area of my life becoming unmanageable? If so, why?”

“Am I avoiding dealing with something, and if so, what?”

“Am I engaging in wishful thinking about something, and if so, what?”

I encourage you to apply these inquiries so that you can get to the heart of any denial issues you may be experiencing. Please let me know what you learn.

On another subject, I am very excited and gratified that The Gifts of Acceptance has been receiving such great critical praise. Below is a recent editorial review.

Through May 15, you can preorder the ebook at the introductory price of only $2.99 at Amazon. The print book will be released on May 28.

In the meantime,

Let it Go–and Accept What Is!

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**”The common challenges to acceptance, from one’s parents to setbacks and failure, are each profiled in chapters that use case histories and author experiences to illustrate the predicament and the contrast between controlling and accepting behavior patterns. The result is an informational title packed with strategies, tools, and tips for negotiating ups and downs with a new paradigm for living a better life.” –D. Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review

A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude

Daniel A. Miller | October 22, 2017

Gratitude is a common subject of many recovery books and articles.

Below is an article about gratitude I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”—Cicero

Being grateful or practicing gratitude has many benefits, including improving our health, relationships, careers, sleep, and self-esteem, to name just a few. In recent years, these benefits have been confirmed in scientific studies showing how the brain is “rewired” by continuous grateful thoughts. (see “The Grateful Brain”)

However, I recently discovered and experienced another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors’ championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January. I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play. I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches. Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try. Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

I was able to play without injuries.

I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club,

I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before. I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

Hmm, I’m now thinking there must be something to this “being grateful reduces-the nerves-and-calms-the-mind” thing. Next match: I played another (and seeded) player who also had soundly beat me the year before.

I again won in two sets.

I’m now in the semi-finals against the #1 seeded player, a former national champion. I’m not only grateful for this, but I have been playing at a whole new level and having the tennis time of my life.

I lost in two hard fought sets, but not because I was nervous or uptight. To the contrary, I played extremely well. I lost because I played a more highly skilled and experienced player who, incidentally, shared with me after the match that he was grateful that he could still play so well in his 70’s! (I think he was more grateful than me!)

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance probably applies equally to most life arenas. Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

I soon had the opportunity to prove this to myself again, but in an entirely different setting—a courtroom. In April, I was in traffic court for a trial to fight a ticket that I felt I had wrongly received. While waiting in court, I was nervous as heck as I repeatedly went over in my mind what I would say, what the officer would likely say, and how the judge might rule.

Then an amazing thing happened. I reminded myself to be grateful—yes grateful. Specifically, I was grateful that I had the opportunity to be heard and present my case—something I was clearly unable to do at the time the officer issued the citation. I was also grateful that I lived in a country where I could seek justice without a lot of constraints. With those thoughts, my nerves immediately subsided and I became very calm and grounded.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

I have no doubt that being grateful stimulates the brain’s neurons and in effect re-wires the brain to produce a more happier state of being. I believe, however, there are more basic reasons why gratitude bestows upon us a more calm and serene state of mind. For example, being grateful:

Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit. We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy.
Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake, including “how important is it?”
Reduces our anxiety creating fears.
Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me. For example, consider trying it when:

You have to give an important talk or presentation.
You have a job interview.
You have to take an important test.
You have to perform or go on stage.
You have writer’s block.
You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you. Were you calmer? Less tense? More grounded? What was the final outcome?

Visit this link for information about our recovery books.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

Control and Impermanence

Daniel A. Miller | July 10, 2017

One of the illusions about control is that many of us believe we can significantly alter or impact the natural flow of things, or as I like to say, “life’s natural currents.” This is why our friends or loved ones may refer to us as control freaks.

I write about the folly of control in Losing Control, Finding Serenity. In short,

The more we try to control others and things, the less control we really have over them.

That delightful philosopher, Alan Watts, forms the issue so eloquently in The Wisdom of Insecurity (Vintage Books, 1953), when he states,

“It must be obvious, from the start, that there is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity….”

This fundamental truth is expressed in different ways. Dr. Brad Zebrack, an Associate Professor at University of Michigan School of Social Work and a cancer survivor, speaks of it in terms of the impermanence of life. In a recent Huffington Post he writes,

“We wake each morning and count on the permanence of our surroundings. Our spouse or partner. Our parents. Our children…A morning cup of coffee or afternoon tea. The routines that get us through the day. This is called “taking life for granted.” Yet, impermanence surrounds us.”

Dr. Zebrack then explains how cancer survivors learn to experience the “realities of impermanence” and the importance of letting go of what they want and instead embracing “what is.” With little certainty in their world, they can only control such things as how they engage the world and how they claim their own story and ultimately themselves.

Yet, isn’t this true for all of us?

In a world that is in a constant state of flux, isn’t the only thing we really have meaningful control over is ourselves—for example, how we choose to engage people and things, to act and react to what is before us, and our attitudes and beliefs? Indeed,

Are not the desire to control and being part of an impermanent world irreconcilable?

What’s your view on control and impermanence? Do you find them contradictory? Is living life as control freaks realistic or possible? Please share your thoughts and experiences with me.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude*

Daniel A. Miller | July 3, 2014

Freedom people living a free, happy, carefree life at beach. Silhouettes of a couple at sunset arms raised up showing happiness and a healthy lifestyle against a colorful sky of clouds background.

*Below is an article I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”–Cicero

However, I recently discovered (and experienced) another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January. I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I had struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play. I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches. Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try. Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

“I was able to play without injuries; “

“I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club;”

“I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.”

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before. I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

“I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.”

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

I again won in two sets.

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance, probably applies equally to most life arenas. Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

*Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit. We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy;

*Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake (including “how important is it?”);

*Reduces our anxiety creating fears; and,

*Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me. For example, consider trying it when:

*You have to give an important talk or presentation;

*You have a job interview;

*You have to take an important test;

*You have to perform or go on stage;

*You have writer’s block; or,

*You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you. Were you calmer? Less tense? More grounded? What was the final outcome?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

Is This Tiger Mom Out of Control?

Daniel A. Miller | December 26, 2011

The December 24 Books section of the Wall Street Journal features an article by Amy Chua, aka Tiger Mom, in which Ms. Chua attempts to justify her domineering parenting techniques as she continues to back peddle from the widespread criticism and anger that her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has provoked.

In the article Mrs. Chua makes undocumented and seemingly inaccurate assertions in support of her parenting methods, which is surprising coming from a law professor at Yale, one of this country’s most esteemed law schools.

Indeed, one may reasonably question whether this controlling Tiger Mom is a bit “out of control” herself.

Take, for example, her following assertion:

“Tiger parenting is all about raising independent, creative, courageous kids. In America today, there’s a dangerous tendency to romanticize creativity in a way that may undermine it. Take, for example, all the people who point to Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and conclude that the secret to innovation is dropping out of college. In fact, both men exemplify extraordinary hard work and drive and resilience in the face of failure—exactly the qualities that tiger parenting seeks to promote.” (my emphasis.)

Is not the implication here that these important qualities were instilled in Steve Job and Mark Zuckerberg through tiger parenting?

Sorry, Ms. Chua, but Steve and Mark were not raised by tiger parents.

In a radio interview earlier this year, Dr. Edward Zuckerberg (Mark’s dad), shared his parenting beliefs as follows:

“Probably the best thing I can say is something that my wife and I have always believed in. Rather than impose upon your kids or try and steer their lives in a certain direction, to recognize what their strengths are and support their strengths and support the development of the things they’re passionate about.”

Further, in responding to a question about Ms. Chua’s book, Dr. Zuckerberg remarked, “I think that extremes in any form in parenting are not good. Children need to be well rounded. There’s a place for work and a place for play.”

(Less is known about the parenting style of Steve Job’s now deceased adopted parents, but there is no indication that they were domineering parents. To the contrary, a neighbor referred to Job’s dad as being very supportive of him and that Jobs did pretty much what he wanted to do as a child.

Do these sound like the words of a tiger parent?

Other assertions in the article are equally questionable. Ms. Chua states (again without citing any supporting studies or evidence) that, “I’ve found that tiger cubs raised in America have really high emotional intelligence. For one thing, they’ve spent their whole lives maneuvering around their crazy, strict parents.”

If this is what it takes to develop high emotional intelligence in children, let us pray for them.

But wait. There’s more. Ms. Chua confides that what “drives me the craziest may be the charge that tiger parenting produces robots and automatons,” just after telling us that we are missing the key point to tiger parenting:

“It’s only about very early child-rearing, and it’s most effective when your kids are between the ages of, say, 5 and 12. When practiced correctly, tiger parenting can produce kids who are more daring and self-reliant—not less.”

I see, so if we hammer it in during our children’s informative years, we will produce creative and self-reliant children that can then go on their merry way. Ms. Chua, I for one, am glad that Dr. Zuckerberg took a supportive, balanced approach in raising his son and from what we know, Mr. Jobs did the same with his son.

Tiger Parents need to lose some control.

I have expressed in both Losing Control, Finding Serenity and this blog the importance of finding the right balance between control and surrender in vital aspects of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

In fact, for me this is the Fundamental Parental Challenge we face today: namely, fulfilling our parental responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their moral and family values, teaching proper manners and etiquette, and encouraging learning WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control. (For some guidelines on how to meet this difficult challenge, see my post, “The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control.”)

Tiger parenting is synonymous with domineering parenting, no matter how you may wish to justify or defend it. I believe it is an extreme, unnuanced form of parenting that seriously risks harming our children’s full and healthy development, denying them their passions, and impeding independent, original thinking—the very type of thinking that made Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg visionaries.

Indeed, we would have fewer Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerbergs in our world, were tiger parenting to become widely accepted and followed.

I issue the following challenge to Tiger Parents:

Try—just try—giving up a little control in raising your children. Allow them to choose and have more say about when and how they study and the activities they like; to stay up late sometimes; to be silly and playful; and, to follow their healthy passions even though it’s not what you want for them.

You just might be surprised if you do. You might have well-rounded, creative, joyous, self-achievers running around your household!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Five Good Reasons For Accepting People As They Are*

Daniel A. Miller | October 6, 2011

There’s a good reason why dogs are considered “man’s best friend.” They offer us unconditional acceptance! Even when we’re mad at them or mistreat them, they accept us–often with a wagging tale!

Now with people, that’s quite a different story. We are not nearly as accepting of others, particularly when they irritate us with their annoying habits and traits.

Do you think our pets know something we don’t?

Perhaps, if we considered the benefits of accepting others as they are, we might be more willing to try.

Five benefits of accepting people as they are.

1. It avoids resentment and dissension. Who likes being told what to do and how to be? Not me. Do you? Isn’t it really the same as being told that we are not “good enough?”

2. It brings closeness. When people know that you truly accept them, trust develops, they open up more to you, and a closer bond develops. In particular, it improves relationships with our children, our loved one, and family members.

3. You experience greater personal growth. When you accept others, your focus changes from them to you, which allows you to work on fostering your unique skills and talents as well as improving your shortcomings.

4. It enables you to let go of control and enjoy the many awards that occur when you do.

5. You have more peace and serenity in your life from the above benefits.

I realize that accepting people’s annoying traits, idiosyncrasies and the like can be very challenging. It is important to remember, however, that accepting people as they are does not mean you have to like or condone their annoying ways, but simply that you need to accept that is the way they are and that you are powerless over changing them. So why waste all the time, energy–and serenity–trying?

Your assignment this week: Be more accepting of others!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*This very post ultimately led (seven years later) to the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are, which has garnered multiple book awards, including being named a Best Wellness Book of 2018 by Library Journal and a 2018 Book of the Year Award Finalist in family and relationships by Foreword Reviews.

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Three Key Ways to Improve Your Close Relationships

Daniel A. Miller | August 27, 2011

In these frantic, unpredictable and financially volatile times, the need for close, supportive bonds with family, friends and loved ones becomes more important than ever. It provides us with a much needed emotional anchor.

Ironically, the very causes that create the need for closeness, also provoke us to engage in the types of behavior that push people away—specifically, fear and anger generated controlling actions like pressuring, advising, insisting, manipulating and the like.

For example, telling our friends what we think is best for them, even if well intended, is very off putting. Voicing our opinions too strongly or too often with our children repels them. Constantly complaining to our partners about their annoying habits invites anger and resentment–after all, who likes being told how to be and act in matters of the heart?

In short, when we try to change or control others, particularly those closest to us, it creates dissension and resentment, which destroy the very things that are needed for intimacy–trust, openness, and acceptance.

I explore these complex issues in depth in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, but for now consider these three highly effective non-controlling ways that will significantly improve your close relationships.

1. Focus on peoples’ positive qualities. Instead of complaining about or trying to change another’s annoying habits and traits, focus on what you like and appreciate about them. Thus, if a good friend sometimes does certain things that drive you “nuts,” remember why she is a good friend and what you like about her. Is he someone who you can look to in times of need? Is she trustworthy? Do you have good times together?

2. Listen Attentively. Many of us don’t fully “hear” what our friends and loved ones wish to share with us. We too often interrupt them, interject our advice and tell them what we think is good for them.

Many times people just need to vent and get things off their chest. They usually are not looking for advice, or will let you know if they want it.

Attentive listening—meaning focused listening without speaking, advising or opining—is a powerful healing tool; one that brings people closer together and enhances relationships.

In particular, I have found that listening to my children in this manner allows them to open up and gain the confidence and self-reliance that comes from working through their own issues.

3. Don’t Expect Too Much of Others. When we expect too much from our friends and loved ones it leads to the type of controlling behavior that invariably results in disappointment and resentment on both sides. It unfairly puts too much pressure and responsibility on the other person to “perform.”

Hence, don’t look to your mate to fulfill your needs; only you can truly do that. Make sure that your expectations of your children are realistic and reasonable. It is important that your concerns be about them and not you (i.e., your ego, social standing and the like).

In trying to moderate your expectations, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “how important is it really?” or “what’s truly at stake?” Most of the time, not much.

I encourage you to try these fundamental decontrol tools. I am confident they will improve your relations with friends, family and loved ones.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Writing Love Poems by Letting Go of Control

Daniel A. Miller | August 16, 2011

For me, composing poems encompasses letting go of control, particularly in the sense of not overthinking and overanalyzing them.

I begin with my intention and then jot down words and phrases that evoke that intention, not really concerning myself where they may eventually fit, or whether I will even use them.

I then put these short sketches away—literally and mentally—sometimes for several months. When I later take a fresh look at them, I usually revise and expand them. As this process continues, I am careful not to presss for completion. I trust that the right words and structure will be revealed in due course.

The process is very much akin to planting a seed (of thought or intention), watering it from time to time, and letting it bloom in its own time and way.

The following love poem written in celebration of my marriage to my wife, Sigute, over fifteen years ago evolved in this manner. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did in writing it.*

FIRST LOVE

Not earlier loves,
Forged by expectant young hearts
And minds more lustful
Than wise.

Where changes came fast,
But few as one.
And where our child’s past
Fogged our marital screens.

Not loves where souls still searched,
And hearts still yearned.
Where vulnerable bruises
Went unheeded with loud cries.

No, I speak of a love more wise,
Between two people more whole.
One graced with clear vision
And teachings from mistakes past.

A love that honors thy self,
As much as the union.
That lightens the spirit,
And inspires the mind.

One whose pillars are trust and respect,
And mortar truth and honesty.
And whose greener grass
Lies within its fence.

Yes, I speak of a Love
Where souls dance with grace,
And where full hearts and warm bodies
Securely embrace.

This Love of which I speak
Is…Last Love.
This Love of which I speak
Is…First Love.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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*You may read more of my poems here

COPYRIGHT 2010 BY DANIEL A. MILLER
The above poem can not be copied, altered, reproduced, or published without the prior express written consent of Daniel A. Miller. However, you are free to share them with your friends with proper accreditation! Thank you for respecting these creative rights.

Control Freaks Suffer, Too—And You Can Help Them!

Daniel A. Miller | August 2, 2011

In my media interviews with respect to the recent publication of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, interviewers and listeners alike often relate their considerable angst and discomfort from having to live and/or work with control freaks.

They tell me that control freaks constantly trample their boundaries, frazzle them, and cause them great anxiety—which, of course, comes as no surprise to me since I am a “reforming” controller myself.

However, what is not well understood is how much “suffering” control freaks endure from their unrelenting compulsion to control.

Controllers are consumed and propelled by their strong fears and anxieties. Their lives are filled with “what might happens.” They constantly worry about whether important (according to them) matters will be done “right”—which is to say, the way they want them to be done–and on time, and about what dreadful consequences will ensue if they are not. It is thus no surprise that most control freaks sleep poorly, find it difficult to “play” and have fun, and have deeper frown lines than laugh lines.

I point these things out not to generate sympathy for their overbearing ways, but rather as an insight that can assist you in fending off controllers!

Let me explain.

Helping Controllers Helps Controllees

Because controllers are driven by their strong fears and anxieties, their compulsion or need to control diminishes commensurately with the lessening of their fears.

It thus follows that you can reduce the discomfort you endure from controllers’ behavior if you can help them reduce their fears and anxieties.

In other words, you can help yourself by “helping” them.

Here is an effective way that controllees can help controllers defuse their fears and anxieties.

Reassure Your Control Freak!

Yes, that’s right. Reassure him or her that everything will be okay. They need to hear and feel that. It eases the “dangers” and nightmares–mostly fictional–that controllers script for themselves. And don’t be afraid to repeat your reassurances. The more the better.

Your reassurances should be direct and simple:

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure things are handled properly,” or “Boss, I’ll get right on it.”

If your loved one is a controller, try:

“Dear, don’t worry, every thing will work out all right,” or “Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to help?”

You should, of course, use words and reassurance methods that feel right to you with respect to the controllers (and their concerns) in your life.

How Do You Tame Your Control Freaks?

One of the reasons for my establishing Danny’s Decontrol Yourself Blog is to provide a forum for people to share their stories, experiences, and wisdom concerning the many facets of the control dynamic.

I would thus appreciate hearing from you about some effective ways of “taming” your controllers that you have learned. Having to deal with the antics of controllers is a major concern for many people and we can all benefit from shared experiences.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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**For more on the subject, read my post “5 Common Myths of Control Freaks.“

Finding Serenity

Daniel A. Miller | July 2, 2011

As the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am sometimes asked what I mean by “serenity.”

I realize that serenity means different things to different people. For many, it means peace and tranquility. For others, it means harmony. I’ve also heard some people express that it simply means being comfortable in their “own skin.”

As I use it in my book and writings, I intend it to mean all these things—and more. It is an expansive term; one that viscerally evokes a core sense of “well being” and freedom and contentment.

“Serenity” thus encompasses all of these positive feelings and states of being.

An instrumental way in which we can have greater serenity in our lives is by giving up control—particularly those types and forms of control triggered by our strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, resentment and anger.

More specifically, losing control leads to conditions that result in greater serenity. For example, it reduces stress and anxiety; lessens our worries; fosters intimacy and bonds with loved ones, family and friends; expands our creative horizons; and, increases efficiency and productivity–and enjoyment–at work.

That is why so much of my writings in this blog, as well as in my book, is devoted to exploring methods and ways (“decontrol tools”) in which we can lose control in such vital areas of our lives as parenting, family, intimate relations, friendships, work and creative endeavors. Even the short cue at the end of my posts is one such way.

In the meantime, remember

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!

Danny

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Losing Control, Finding Flow

Daniel A. Miller | June 17, 2011

We often hear people talk about “going with the flow” when discussing how they intend to deal with important issues and challenges in their lives. I think for most, that means they wish to engage matters as they naturally arise, without forcing or resisting.

However, what we hear very little about is how we can actually do it.

I would like to share some ways that have allowed me to access the flow state, which, for me, is that state of grace where things seem to come to us—almost effortlessly–rather than we to them; where openness and freedom of thought and ideas spring forth almost magically; and where we are aware and grounded.

The Wave

Following a very difficult period of my life twenty-five years ago (and well before I thought about writing my current book) I began exploring and writing about the idea of being able to glide within “life’s natural currents.”

The metaphor that came closest to the vision of a peaceful life I desired was riding ocean waves.

I thought of there being a great variety of waves, some building up quickly and crashing mightily, others cresting more gradually and lasting longer. Some simply vanishing . Many changing course. We have no influence on their patterns, paths, and frequencies; we can only be patient and alert as we await them. As soon as one crests near us, we can extend our arms, swim a few strokes, and glide with it. If we encounter turbulence, which we always will, we can find ways to protect ourselves.

I even coined my own nautical parlance, such as “go with the Wave”, “ride the Wave”, “navigate the currents” and “float with the swells”. Just verbalizing it in this manner was (and is) very soothing to me.

Indeed, the Wave has played such an important part in improving my life that I included it as the final chapter of Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

Losing Control

I learned that the best way to access the Wave is by letting go of control. I thus explored effective, practical ways—which I now call “decontrol tools”—that enabled me to more easily let go of control in such vital areas as parenting, family and friends, love and romance, my creative endeavors and at work. I even found effective ways to do it with my favorite past time, tennis. I write about these decontrol tools in depth in my book, as well as in this blog.

Finding Flow

Simply put, when you lose control, you find flow.

When you let go of control, it frees life’s “natural currents” and you can then participate in those those currents in an expansive and intuitive manner and discover life’s possibilities. I quickly learned that the rewards are often unexpected and remarkable. Turmoil and conflict disappear. Intimacy and bonds with friends, family and loved ones strengthen significantly. Fears and worries leave us. And work becomes less stressful and more profitable.

I encourage you this week to start letting go of control and enjoy life’s flow!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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