How to Let Go of Holiday Stress and Anxiety

| November 14, 2017

The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people. We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.

Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety:  Let Go of Control!

Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.

Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more during the holidays if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?

You can—by letting go of control.  Here are some holiday decontrol tips that will assist you.

1.  Lower Your Expectations

Try not to expect too much of others, especially family.  As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment—and the harmful control actions warned against in recovery books. It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act. After all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves. And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.

For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a holiday dinner or party, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen. Instead trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur and still enjoy the reunion.

2.  Be Patient

Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions.  Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush.  Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way.  Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully.  To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.

3. Keep Things Simple

Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking. Don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.” Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen!  Instead, trust that everything will work out as it was meant to be. By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.

4.  Address and process your “Personal Truths”

Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. I devote an entire chapter to embracing your Personal Truths in Losing Control, Finding Serenity.

In simple terms, this involves identifying and processing the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.

For example, if you are feeling  anxious because of all the things you feel you want or need to do during the holidays, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it. Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically. Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it. As many recovery books suggest, “Embrace” it, if you will. Ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t? The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.

Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.

If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will enjoy the holidays more. You might even look forward to them!

In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season. And remember to,

Let It Go!

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on our Facebook page and share it with your friends.

A Valuable Key to a Healthier Heart

| September 15, 2017

When my doctor checked my pulse and blood pressure at a recent physical exam, my pulse was only 47—well below the 60-80 norm—and my blood pressure was a healthy 98/68.  Admittedly, I exercise regularly, but leaving the doctor’s office I wondered whether that alone would account for such good readings—especially for a 70 year old.

It then occurred to me that the readings might also be attributable to the fact that I am now much better at letting go of control in important areas of my life (work, children, loved ones, friends and the like).

In other words, could letting go of control be a valuable key to a healthier heart?

I believe it is.  Medical research and studies confirm that our hearts are adversely impacted by excessive stress, worry, fear, and anger.

And, quite simply:

*When we control less, we stress less;

*When we control less, we worry less;

*When we control less, we fear less; and,

*When we control less, we resent less.

If this all seems too “non-scientific” to you, I encourage you to try the following:

Let Go of Control Heart Test

1.  In the morning or evening of the first day, measure your blood pressure and pulse.

2.  For the next three days, endeavor to let go of control the best you can at work, with your children, close relationships, and troublesome concerns.  Don’t pressure, force, resist—or persist.  Just accept, allow, trust and let be.  I understand that this may not be easy—especially if you have the propensity to be a controller. The key is to simply try your best.   It’s a matter of progress, not perfection. Striving for perfection induces control-based actions. *To assist yourself, try some of the Decontrol Tips and Tools described in my posts in that category at the right column of this page.

3.  After three days, again measure your blood pressure and pulse at about the same time that you did on the first day.

4.  Finally, do the simple math to determine if and/or how much your pulse and blood pressure have improved.

This Test is a No Lose Proposition

Admittedly, there can be many unaccounted for variables that impact your results.

However, you have nothing to lose by taking the test—and here’s why:

Even if the results are not conclusive, I am quite confident that you will have less stress, worry, fear, and anger—and more peace and serenity!

These and other benefits will increase further as you become better and better at letting go of control.   It definitely takes commitment and practice—and at times courage—but it is well worth the effort.   Eventually, letting go of control will become a more natural, intuitive way of living and engaging people and things.

I would love to hear how your heart test went.   Were your pulse and blood pressure lower?  Did you have less stress and anxiety?  Were the decontrol days more enjoyable?

Here’s to your healthier heart!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–And Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

An Essential Key to Avoiding Holiday Stress

| December 3, 2014

It’s during this time of year that we often hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I previously shared how this “dread” and its associated stress and anxiety can be lessened by letting go of control, as well as offering some useful decontrol tools.

Buy my wife recently shared with me a holiday story that clued me in on an essential key to avoiding holiday stress.   She had to buy some last minute gifts at our local mall’s department store, which required wading through these nerve-racking hurdles:

*First, she had to join the line dance of cars a block long entering the parking lot.   (Not fun if you like to move when you line dance, as my wife avidly demonstrated when we first met.)

*Once in, she had to drive like a matador would to avoid the cars aggressively darting for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

*In the store, she was forced to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

*And after finally finding what she was looking for (actually she didn’t really find it, but didn’t want to leave empty handed after all the hassle), she was sentenced to a 15 minute wait in the cashier’s line.

“Gift wrap,” she was eventually asked? Amazed to discover there were actually sales clerks in the store, she very sweetly (or maybe it was tartly) said: “Thank you, but the thought of waiting in another line is unbearable.”

When I asked her how she managed to waddle through everything without losing her cool, some words of wisdom (definitely hard earned) rolled off her tongue:

“If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.” 

I thought a few moments about what she had said and then a glowing streak of enlightenment flashed through my mind:

That’s it! An essential key to avoiding holiday stress is being able to accept “what is”. 

Yes, and in this case, the underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for most of us, and once more (another streak),

We are powerless over changing any of that!

(That is, short of banning the holidays altogether.)

That being the heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, delays, family dinners with disgruntled parents and estranged siblings, and the like. (Many will nonetheless persist in trying to change or control that which can’t be controlled. I could write a book about how harmful that is for you and others emotionally and spiritually, and even financially–actually, I did write one, and it’s been an Amazon best seller now for over three years.)

What it comes down to is that there is really only one thing we can do in such trying situations:

Accept it! 

You may ask, how will this help avoid stress?   When we accept things (and people) as they are, it is as if a heavy burden has been lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess over the matter. And this, in turn,  spurs choices and options for us, such as: do something nice for ourselves; plan better; keep things simple; breath deeply; maintain an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives; and be of service.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck” and our stress and anxiety begin to lessen and even dissipate. Why? Because with acceptance,

Nothing remains to stress over.

You may now be thinking, yeah that’s all good and dandy, but it’s much easier said than done. I can understand your skepticism, really.   Hopefully this acceptance truth will alleviate your doubts some:

Accepting is simply surrendering that which you never had—control.

Not having control, that’s a hard one, I know. But you need to accept that, too. So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance? The short answer is Nothing! If you are still with me to this point, and I truly hope so, and are willing to give acceptance a try (remember, the reward is less stress) then I recommend that you follow these:

Four Acceptance Tools and Strategies

*   Be More Aware of What You Can’t Change or Control. Try to recognize when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy, to be sure, because it is easy to get so wrapped up in things, especially this time of year.   If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from being controlling or overreaching, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly.

* Be More Understanding of Others. Be mindful that the holidays are stressful for others as well.   Hence, try to be more patient and kindly toward others; after all isn’t that a traditional hallmark of the holiday season? Also, don’t take things too personally. When you do have unpleasant encounters with others (perhaps evoked by their rudeness or anger), detach or remove yourself from the person or situation, rather than provoking or engaging. Arguments and divisive behavior only create havoc and more stress.

*Don’t Control. When you control, you can’t accept—pure and simple. If you control less, you will be able to accept more.   The correlation is that direct.   (I describe effective decontrol tools in this blog under that category at the right column of this page, as well as in my book.)

*Maintain Realistic Expectations. Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels, even be perfect; i.e., be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress and anxiety. (See my post, “How to Lower Family Expectations“)

In closing, please keep in mind that,

            Acceptance is fundamentally a choice we make.

I encourage you to make that choice during this holiday season, and I wish you holidays that are abundant with love, peace, serenity—and acceptance!

And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

 Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

How to Let Go of Stress and Anxiety During the Holidays

| December 6, 2013

*Below is a previous post (slightly edited) that will reduce holiday induced stress and anxiety.

The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people.   We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.

Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety:  Let Go of Control!

Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.

Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more during the  holidays if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?

You can—by letting go of control.  Here are some holiday decontrol tips that will assist you.

1.  Lower Your Expectations. Try not to expect too much of others, especially family.  As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment–and harmful control actions.  It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act.  (after all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves).  And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.

For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a holiday dinner or party, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen; instead, trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur, and still enjoy the reunion.

2.  Be Patient. Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions.  Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush.  Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way.   Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully.  To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.

3. Keep Things Simple. Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking.  And don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.”  Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen!  Instead, trust that everything will work out as it was meant to be. By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy, and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.

4.  Address and process your “Personal Truths.”  Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. ( I devote an entire chapter to embracing your Personal Truths in my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity)

In simple terms, this involves identifying and processing the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.

For example, if you are feeling  anxious because of all the things you feel you need (or want) to do during the holidays, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it.  Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically.  Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it.  “Embrace” it, if you will.   Ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t?   The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.

Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.

If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will enjoy the holidays more.  You might even look forward to them!

In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season.   And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like it” on our Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Enjoy the Holidays More by Letting Go of Control

| December 14, 2010

The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people.   We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst family members.

Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

Let Go of Control and Enjoy the Holidays

I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety:  Let Go of Control! If you do, I’m pretty sure you will enjoy the holidays much more—or at least dread them much less!  If you are wondering how control impacts enjoyment of the holidays, let me explain.  Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.

Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?

You can do this—by letting go of control.  Here’s how.

Holiday Decontrol Tips

Here are a few effective ways of letting go of control during the holiday season.

1.  Lower or Remove Your Expectations. Try not to expect too much of others, especially family.  As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment.  It is much better—for you and others—to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act.  Don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.  For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a Christmas dinner, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen; instead, trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might result, and enjoy other parts of the reunion.

2.  Be Patient. Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions.  Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting, and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush.  Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way.   Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully.  To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or do something fun.

3. Keep Things Simple. Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking.  Don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.”  Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen!  Instead, trust that things will work out as they were intended.  By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy, and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.

4.  Address and process your “Personal Truths.”  Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. I devote an entire chapter to this, entitled Embracing Your Personal Truths, in my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity.  In simple terms, this process involves identifying and processing those unwanted feelings that compel you to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.  For example, if you are feeling extremely anxious because of all the things you feel you need (or want) to do today, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it.  Start by trying to feel your anxiety internally, even physically.  Take some slow, deep breaths and really get in tune in to it.  “Embrace” it, if you will.  Though it may sound counterintuitive, recognizing your anxiety will lessen it considerably.  Next, ask yourself how important is it that you do everything today.  What terrible thing might happen if you don’t?  Most things aren’t as important as we imagine them to be.

If you try these “decontrol” tools I am confident you will experience greater enjoyment of the holiday season.   You might even start looking forward to them!

In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season.   And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.