Letting Go of Control Resonates with People

| April 24, 2011

I am very pleased that the central theme of my book (Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go) about the importance (and benefits) of letting go of  excessive control in our lives is resonating with so many people. The book has received very positive reviews (see below) and my many interviews on diverse local, regional, and national radio stations have been lively, educational and at times provocative.   It is clear to me that more and more people are recognizing how excessive control–the kind which is primarily triggered by our “unwanted” feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, anxiety, insecurity and the like–significantly harms our lives and those of others.

Book Reviews

I am proud to share some of the book reviews.

The very popular blog Positively Present featured an extensive review in March.  Here is an edited portion of the review:

“Though I wasn’t sure what I would get out of the book initially, what I found was invaluable information on: how to reduce the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment; how to make work less stressful and more profitable; how to find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy; and how to lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication. All of these topics were things I hadn’t really considered in relation to control, but reading Miller’s words really helped me to understand the many ways control plays a part in my life.

Miller offers excellent tips for how to remain aware of our own emotions and feelings. His advice — which I took immediately and started putting into practice in my own life — really does work. Small, simple acts can impact the way you are aware of how you are feeling and Miller’s work has served as a great reminder to me of how important it is to stay focused on what you are experiencing personally in order to control the need to control.

There are a lot of great books out there on self-help and I’m sure many are focused on this very same topic, but the guidance offered by Miller is this book is something I’d recommend to anyone struggling with control issues in his or her life. Even if it’s not you personally struggling with control, a lot can be learned from reading about what it’s like to have issues with control — and how you can help yourself and others cope with these issues.”

The Monthly Aspectarian new age newspaper published the following review in its April edition:

“At work they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less than perfection from their coworkers. At home they obsess over finding the “right” person. Then they criticize their lover or spouse for doing everything wrong. As parents they practice zero tolerance for their children’s preferred study practices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views.

Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type: micromanagers, nitpickers, domestic despots. Yet most of us fail to recognize the signs of the compulsion to control in ourselves—or realize the toll of this behavior takes on career, family, friendships, and our own happiness. Losing Control, Finding Serenity pinpoints the dangers of excessive control, which goes far beyond setting limits and standards, in all aspects of life. It shows those of us who feel the pressure to control how to break free and reap unexpected gifts.

Sharing his journey of transformation from up-tight control driven attorney to life-loving person who works less and earns more, Daniel Miller reveals what happened when he finally decided to “surrender”: his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, and he experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace. Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged control freaks, he guides us through an honest inventory of our control patterns, leading us to discover this compulsion is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxiety, and insecurity, then aggravated by anger and resentments.

In a chaotic, unpredictable world that’s frequently beyond our control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validation for going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, ever changing mystery.”

The New Age Retailer, the leading trade magazine for mind, body, and spirit retailers and book stores, published the following review in its just released May edition:

“This is a book about finding balance between control and surrender. It grew out of the author’s personal struggle to manage his life for maximum productivity and profit. As the glittering world he so doggedly built began to collapse around him, he looked for answers and found them in the places where he least expected to. Now he’s passing on the techniques he used to successfully rebuild his career and his life on a firmer, less controlled foundation. Down-to-earth and honest, the book is full of psychological and spiritual insight. It is also full of real world solutions for reconnecting with the natural flow of life and with our personal truth.  This book will be terrific for twelve-steppers who are just beginning to work with the program.”

The Impact of Control on Our Lives

I am thus encouraged and motivated to continue writing  about the impact of control on our lives and how we can let it go and enjoy the remarkable and unexpected gifts that come our way when  you do.  I again invite you to join the discourse by letting me know about your own “control” experiences at the Comment portion of this blog.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

2 Keys to Letting Go of Fear

| March 7, 2011

When I recently contacted a dear friend from much earlier days in my life to tell her about the publication of  Losing Control, Finding Serenity, the book’s notion of our constant need to control struck a very strong chord in her.   After telling me how my description of myself 30 years ago so perfectly described her as well  (a life consumed with “gripping fear, obsessive worry, anger and rage—and my unrelenting compulsion to try to control everything and everyone”) she shared with me a fascinating fear based control story.

While on a moving gurney for cancer surgery with unknown outcomes she was actually negotiating with the anesthesiologist at the last minute about how long she was going to be “out” because the loss of control was what she feared most about the surgery.   That really confirmed to me once more how huge an impact fear has on our controlling behaviors.

Fear Controls

Fear is the predominant cause and source of our need to control.   That is why I named the chapter in my book on fear “Fear: Control’s Best Friend”. We are fearful of the unknown and the unexpected and are consumed with “what ifs” and “what might happens”, as my friend’s experience so aptly illustrates.    At our very core, we are fearful of our very survival.   This propels us to grip and hold on tightly in our efforts to find safety and security in an inherently insecure world.   Not once do we consider, however, that the more we strive for security the more insecure we become.

Losing Fear

We need to lose fear in order to lose control.    To do this effectively it is important to separate the real facts from the dramas that our emotions script with respect to our unsettling concerns.   The real facts are rarely as foreboding as our imaginations make them to be.   Once we unemotionally examine the real facts, our fears will begin to diminish, and with that our need to control.

It is also extremely important to confront and process our fears.   In my book, I call this “face and embrace” and provide examples and true case histories.  For now you can start by practicing what the following lines from my poem Fictions’s Best Seller encourage you to do:

“Yet…truly a coward until masked

Stare its stare

Deflect its glare

Strip it bare.”

I would love to hear how these fear decontrol tools work for you.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

The Fundamental Parental Challenge: Letting Go of Parental Control

| November 23, 2010

 

Parenting is rife with excessive control actions.  Our fears and anxieties about our children’s welfare cloud our perspective about what’s really at stake in most aspects of their lives.    As a result, we pressure, we threaten, and we hover over them.   We dominate when we should be supporting and guiding.  We advise when we should be listening.  We criticize when we should be accepting of their differences.

The Fundamental Parental Challenge

The fundamental parental challenge we face is being able to fulfill our responsibilities for ensuring our children’s health and safety, fostering their morals, family values, and ethics, and encouraging learning, WITHOUT obstructing their personal growth and life path through domineering forms of control.   The repercussions for failing to meet this challenge can be severe, including the loss of trust, strong resentment, and a total break down in communications.

Parents must face this challenge every day—and at times it feels like every moment!   It is always there.   The line between the two is frequently not clear, and often murky.   Consider, for example:  When does giving too much to our children really take away from them?   When does doing too much for them become enabling?    When is the issue really about “us”, and not  “them?”

In short, at what point are we controlling our children too much?

Some Useful Guidelines

I have learned some useful guidelines in the form of inquiries that can assist us in determining whether we are crossing the line to over-management of our children’s lives.    I discuss these and others in more detail in my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity, but for now let me touch upon a few important ones.

  1. What are my motives?  Are my actions primarily motivated by my own unfilled desires, social standing, or outsiders’ views of my parenting?  If so, we are very likely over-managing.
  2. Is my way necessarily the only way? Or the right way?  What has worked well for us in our lives does not mean that it will serve our children well.
  3. Am I depriving my child of learning from his or her mistakes or of gaining other important learning experiences?
  4. Am I acting out of unfounded fears?   What’s really at stake?  How important is it? Our unprocessed fears frequently compel us to control excessively in all areas of our lives—and none more so than in parenting.

Kahil Gibran Had it Right

Kahil Gibran offers invaluable insight for addressing the challenge with these wise words from The Prophet:

“Your children are not your children…

they come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet

they belong not to you…

You may give them your love but not your thoughts…

For they have their own thoughts…

Seek not to make them like you.”

My Daughter Has it Right As Well

During her sixth grade graduation ceremony my daughter, Lana, after quoting from the Prophet, cautioned attending parents about being too controlling with these words of her own:

“Parents.  If you teach us only to be like you, then how do you expect us to live in the future?   Right now, we are figuring out who we are, and who we will become.  All you can do is give us love and support.  Believe in us, and we’ll make the right choices in life. “

It is Thine Path, Not Mine

I was very proud and moved by Lana’s profound statement.   We need to recognize that each child has his or her own life journey or path and it is primarily up to him or her to try to fulfill it.   The more we interfere with that path by over managing their lives—no matter how well intended or how strongly we feel we are right—the greater the risk of obstructing and even thwarting it.

In the meantime,remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

“Lose” Slumps By “Losing Control”

| November 3, 2010

The Terrible Slump

“I’ve been in a terrible slump,” laments the star baseball player.  “No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to  shake it.  I’ve been taking extra batting practice for the past week, and that’s only made things worse.  But I am convinced that if I try even harder,  I can come out of it.  As they say, ‘If you don’t succeed at first, try, try again,’” he bravely commits.

The player may be brave, but is he wise?

Is the Problem the Slump or Excessive Control?

Like many athletes and performers, the star player is control prone.  By that I mean, he is over thinking , over trying,  over obsessing—and under trusting and accepting.   As a result, he is resisting life’s “natural currents,” rather than letting them run their natural course.

As I wrote in my first blog post, life is constantly moving, shifting, ebbing and flowing.   There are and will always be highs and lows.  Yins and Yangs.  Slumps happen.  It is important to accept that.   Sometimes we lose our “groove” for no apparent reason, and fear sets in, causing a loss of confidence.   But trying extra hard doesn’t bring it back.  Once you start pressing and thinking too much about the problem, you become your own worst enemy.

It is usually better to let slumps resolve themselves naturally—and they usually will if you have patience and trust that everything will work out in due time.   That doesn’t mean that you should not check (and correct if necessary) your basic fundamentals—in the star player’s case,  swing form and technique—but after that, just let it go if you can.

Psychologists Agree:  Control Actions Make Slumps Even Worse

In a recent article by Sue Shellenbarger in the Wall Street Journal, “Slumping at Work? What Would Jack Do” (www.wsj.com, October 13),  psychologists confirm that working and trying too hard makes matters even worse, both in sports and at work.    Sport psychologist Gregg Steinberg told an account executive who was not producing to do what he advises athletes to do: “Stop working and allow yourself to relax.”  Following his advice, the executive’s sales doubled.   Dr Steinberg stated that the principles that lead to slumps are the same at work and in sports: loss of confidence, over-thinking every move, dwelling on past failures and working too much.

The article goes on to tell how star Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smotz, mired in a 2-11 record at the All Star Break,  made matters worse by trying to break out of his slump with hard work and overanalyzing every bad pitch he made.   When he stopped obsessing and instead focused on the positive things he did well; he was 12-2 for the remainder of the season.

Similarly, amateur golfer Greg DeRosa relates how during a slump,  he practiced harder and took lessons, only to lose the rhythm of his swing.   However, after working with sports and performance psychotherapist Tom Ferraro, he stopped taking lessons and started trusting his instincts.  Soon after, he took three strokes off his previous lowest average five years prior.

Lose Control and Regain the Flow

I like to say, “You can’t flow if you control.”  So drop the control and regain the flow!  That’s true, whether in sports, performance, work, the arts, relationships or life in general.   In my forthcoming book Losing Control, Finding Serenity , I offer tools and methods for learning how to effectively let go of control in these life arenas.

For now, here are two tips for losing slumps in addition to those I mention above:

*Envision yourself performing in a confident, smooth manner.  Do this well before, up to, and at the start of the game or performance.

*Face your performance fears and anxiety.   Don’t shy away from them.   Address and process them the best way you can.  In most instances, your fears and anxieties are what cause you to control.  (This key control catalyst is addressed at length in my book.)

By practicing these tips, I am confident you will see a marked improvement in performance.   They sure have helped my tennis game!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny Miller

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

How to Let Go and Lose Control: An Introduction to the DeControl Yourself Blog

| October 7, 2010
Daniel A Miller author

As I have begun sharing and speaking about the benefits of giving up control, it has been especially rewarding that my message has resonated so strongly with people.  I have found that so many people are ready to let go.  Quite simply, they recognize that their controlling methods and devices haven’t served them well, particularly in our increasingly complex world.

The goal of this “Decontrol Yourself” blog is to expand that message to others by creating what I hope will become a participatory forum and discourse about the many facets of the control dynamic.  In particular, this blog will:

a) Examine the harms of excessive control in vital life arenas—particularly parenting and family, intimate relations, friendships, the work place, and creative endeavors;

b) Offer effective tools and techniques for reducing the need and compulsion to control; in other words, teach you how to lose control;

c) Share the unexpected and often remarkable personal and professional rewards that occur when we are able and willing to lose some control.

Are You a Controller?

The type of control that we will address on the Decontrol Yourself blog is excessive or domineering control.  This “Are You a Controller?” quiz will help you determine if you suffer from this type of control issue.

Generally speaking, the need to control people and situations most often comes from our unwanted and unprocessed feelings (or “Personal Truths”) such as fear, worry, anxiety, anger and resentment, insecurity, rejection, and the like.

On this blog, I will try to be as specific as I can be in addressing important control issues and in recommending strategies that will diminish the urge to control.  As part of this process, I will share my own personal experiences with the powerful control dynamic, as well the stories of others I know and have counseled.

In this first post, however, I wish to share my core beliefs as they impact control.

Core Beliefs

The first is that life is in a constant state of motion: fluid, shifting, changing directions, ebbing and flowing, and always moving.  As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—yet that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.

Imagine you’re trying to hold on to a rapidly moving conveyor built.  You may slow it down momentarily, but you would either get burned or dragged along in the process.  These “rope burns” are the side effect of trying to slow down or manipulate life, and I will explore them (and how to avoid them) in future posts.

Secondly, we cannot change or control others in any meaningful way.  All the effort and energy we expend in trying to do so, whether by reasoning, pleading, hoping, threatening, cajoling, or other controlling means, is for naught and at great cost to our own personal development and serenity.  Others can and will change, if and when they choose.

Lastly, I believe that within the natural flow or energy force of life, lie innate wisdom and the potential for inner peace, and the solutions to many of our most challenging issues. I have learned that the more I am able to live my life in accordance with the currents of this rhythm, the more peace and serenity I am blessed to have.

I have also learned many times over that the key to living in this flow is my being willing and able to relinquish control.  Releasing control frees the currents and offers us the opportunity to glide intuitively, creatively, and spiritually within them.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

Thank you for your visit today.  I encourage you to subscribe to my RSS feed or sign up to receive my posts by email.  Future posts on the Decontrol Yourself blog will explore effective tools and strategies for letting go of control.  I’ll also share the many benefits that you will enjoy when you do.

Take it Easy,

Danny Miller
Author, Losing Control, Finding Serenity:  How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go