Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus

| April 26, 2020

(Third in an ongoing series on  Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus) 

If you’re like me, your tolerance of others has been strained in this Time of Coronavirus, be it with loved ones you are
“confined” at home with or just people who get on your nerves.

No question about it, most people are on edge these days and it doesn’t take much for them to go off.

Patience is in short supply, and anger is in abundance.

If I were to tell you that you would likely be much better off—and have greater serenity—if you were to accept these people as they are, you might think I have contacted the virus!

Fortunately, I haven’t—and hope not to!

But I will also tell you that accepting others, as ornery as they may be, does not mean what you might think it means.

It has nothing to do with excusing, condoning, or otherwise approving of their words or behavior. (See, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance)

It does have a lot to do with “staying on your side of the street” and focusing on taking good care of yourself.

Take my friend Jen, for example.   On many days, her husband is stressed and agitated, particularly over being cooped up at home day and night.

As Jen puts it, “I truly don’t know what side of the bed he will be getting up on each day.”

She further explains,

“But I also know I can’t fix him or make him feel better.  I’ve learned that’s well beyond my power to accomplish.   And when I do focus on his woes too much, I soon find myself down the rabbit’s hole as well, and that clearly doesn’t help him any.

“So I just try to love and accept him as he is, pray for his well being, and be careful not to get wrapped up in it all.  That allows me to stay more emotionally balanced and focus on what I can do to take better care of myself during these difficult times.”

Here are four suggestions that will make it easier to accept others in The Time of Coronavirus:

  1. Cut them some slack. These are trying times for everyone. A lot of people are really struggling in coping with things.   Their fears, frustrations, and “demons” consume them.  These are not normal times and many people are not acting as they normally do.
  2. Don’t take things too personally. What someone says or does that offends most often has more to do with where they are in their life or what’s happening to them. In other words, it’s not about us.   Hence, when the “stings” come, try to take some time to consider what their real sources may be and not take the matters too personally.
  3. Detach with love. This mainstay of the 12 Step programs is particularly helpful now.  It simply means to emotionally (and if necessary, physically) separate or remove yourself from the “drama” or unnerving ways of others, but to do so in a kind, caring manner.  Jen’s story is a good example of detaching with love.
  4. Consider whether you had a role in another’s behavior. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that we, too, have been impacted by what’s going on.   We also may not be our “normal” selves and may have contributed to another’s offensive or irritable ways.   It’s therefore important to at least ask yourself such questions as:

“Did I play a part in the matter?”  “Have I been curt or impatient with the person?”  “Have I been on edge lately?”, and the like.

I am confident that these tools will help you better accept others in The Time of Coronavirus and concurrently bring you greater calm and serenity.

I welcome your thoughts and experiences on accepting people who bother you.   How do you, for example, react or respond when someone upsets or irritates you?  What acceptance tools have helped you in dealing with such people?

(You may also wish to read the first two posts in this series:“Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus” and “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”)

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity, available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus

| April 20, 2020

(Second in an ongoing series, “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”

The many uncertainties and unknowns of the coronavirus pandemic have heightened our fears. So many of us are engulfed in never ending “what ifs” and “what might happens”– be it our (and our loved ones’) physical and mental health, job losses, finances, or overall well-being.

These fears are formidable obstacles in being able to accept the all-encompassing “what is” of the pandemic that is necessary in order to act in our best—and safest—interests. (See my post, “How the Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with Coronavirus”)

Particularly in my business dealings, I’ve been challenged to confront the tendency in my thinking to overly focus on “Future Events Already Ruined.” (FEAR)

Hence, I worry about whether my tenants (who were mandated to cease operations) will be able to pay their rent, or at least a portion of it? Whether some will have to close shop and vacate? And so on.

While these are realistic concerns, my obsessive dwelling over them not only results in the loss of needed sleep, but to my detriment, prevents me from recognizing what steps I can take to minimize the “damage.”

That’s what fear so easily does: Freezes you in your tracks!

To avoid such paralysis, first and foremost, I have learned that I must confront and process my fears. By that, I mean address them directly, and not avoid, procrastinate or deny. (For more on these subjects, see my posts “Avoiding Avoidance” and “Letting Go of Denial”).

Here are three interrelated tools that can help process fears in the time of Coronavirus:

*Identify the Fears. In order to process your fears, you must know what they are. Many times they are known only generally because they are a master of disguise.

One of the best ways to identify this most tricky of emotions is to do a fear inquiry.

Thus, when you feel unsettled or anxious—or have shortness of breath or other physical reactions–take a moment and think about what you may be afraid of.

Is it your young children constantly getting too close to others? Your failure to wear a mask when you went to the drug store? Forgetting to wash your hands after bringing in the newspaper or mail? The possibility of being furloughed from work? Not being able to visit your elderly mother at her assisted living home? And so on. Next,

* Objectify the Fears. Take some time to separate the objective facts and truths of the underlying situations and circumstances from the hyper imagined ones. Which is to say, don’t assume, speculate or react impulsively. Instead, pause, reflect, investigate, and consult when needed.

Thus, with respect to coronavirus concerns, don’t jump to the “future events already ruined” syndrome that you or your loved ones are going to get ghastly ill, need hospitalization, not get a respirator, or ??? Instead, try to

* Stay in the Moment. Deal with what is real now, not what might happen tomorrow. Any method or format you use is fine. Disregard all the “mights” and “could bes” that only stir up your fears. Trust that you will be able to handle whatever may happen tomorrow—just like you have in the past.

Through this process, your coronavirus fears will subside.

With respect to my tenants, my fears lessened as I more fully recognized that: a) only several thus far had not paid their rent; b) I had screened them carefully for their creditworthiness; c) legislation had been passed that would help them financially; and, d) I could be more pro-active by reaching out and offering rent deferrals to those who needed it.

Are my fears over? Not by any means. Do I have others? Certainly. But when I remember to use the above tools to process my fears, their impact on my well-being—and serenity—is much, much less.

I would love to hear about how you’ve dealt with your fears during this time.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during the coronavirus crisis, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

**If you liked this post, please like it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Optimizing The Benefits of The Serenity Prayer

| August 12, 2019

The Serenity Prayer* is my guide to practicing acceptance in all my affairs.   It is a prayer for acceptance that allows me to be more fully aware, from the very start of my day, of the vast number of things I cannot control or change, and it reminds me that my very serenity depends on my willingness to accept them as they are.

I devote a chapter in The Gifts of Acceptance on ways to effectively apply the three poetic phrases of the Prayer.   For many, the last phrase, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” is the most challenging one in practice.

Specifically, how do we know whether we do or do not have the power to change or control a person or situation?   

The determination is frequently difficult. Strong emotions—fear and anger, for example—as well as high expectations easily thwart our intentions to realistically consider whether the issue is something over which we truly have power.   Denial, too, can impact the determination because of our ignorance or unawareness of (or unwillingness) to accept the underlying reality of the situation.

The requisite wisdom often comes only after enduring the hard, painful consequences of ongoing non-acceptance.  The pains of non-acceptance will likely occur at different times for each of us because there will always be things and people we aren’t able to accept—at least initially.

Here are two ways that will help you with the wisdom to know the difference and thereby optimize the benefits of The Serenity Prayer:

Pause and Reflect 

When first faced with contentious issues or people, take a moment (or as some say, “pause”) to consider whether you can realistically expect to change matters.   Try not to react impulsively or retaliate.   Fear and anger often emerge, and it is important to constructively process these emotions as soon as you are able.    Try to remember the acronym for FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.

Pausing and reflecting in this manner will ground you and enable you to better evaluate what is really at stake and its importance, and that in turn will allow you to address the situation or person in a more constructive, responsive manner.

Consider Whether You Can Meaningfully Impact the Person or Situation 

Even if you feel you can change or have some impact on the matter or person, consider whether any success is worth the cost and energy—and anguish.

What I have found extremely helpful in uncertain situations is to ask myself “Can I have any meaningful impact on the person or situation?”  If I don’t think I can, I accept the current situation or circumstance and move on.   Similarly, it is also helpful to ask oneself, “How important is this to me?”

Remember, not everything is a crisis, but anything can become one if you fail to let go of control and accept “what is.”

Please share with me what you have found helpful in determining whether or not you have the power to change certain people or things in your life, giving specific examples if you can.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*”God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

Courage to Change the Things I Can, and

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.”

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Acceptance Intentions for 2018

| January 12, 2018

 

It is a constant challenge to practice acceptance, especially when the stakes seem high or the circumstances dire, or when our resentments are strong.   My forthcoming book due this spring, The Gifts of Acceptance:Embracing People and Things as They Are, offers effective tools and strategies for practicing acceptance in our important relationships and life circumstances. (You can download a free preview chapter here)

Most chapters include acceptance intentions aimed at facilitating acceptance of people and things as they are. Below are some of my acceptance intentions for 2018.

I intend to:

         Accept my loved one’s personal choices

         Not judge my friends harshly

         Listen attentively to my children

         Accept my parents’ shortcomings 

         Remember I am not perfect 

         Don’t take things so personally 

         Recognize that my way is not the only way,       

         Be realistic about what I can do 

         Not be in denial of my limitations 

         Be more aware of what I cannot change or control 

         Trust that everything will work out as it is meant to be, and 

         Remember that acceptance is fundamentally a choice        

From much experience, I know full well that I will not always be able to fulfill these intentions.   However, I also know that even partial success often results in meaningful, and often unexpected, gifts.

What are your acceptance intentions for 2018? I encourage you to formulate your own—and please share them with me and others in the comment section of this post.

Here’s wishing you,

Greater Serenity in 2018! 

And remember to,

Let It Go– and Accept What Is!

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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The Link Between Addiction and Control

| July 26, 2017

The lives of addicts often reel out of control, especially for those who have not started down the path to personal recovery. Many feel ashamed and powerless over their addiction and many things in their lives. To counter their anxiety and attempt to gain some semblance of control in their lives, they try to exert “external” control over others and important aspects of their lives.

Some believe addicts are control freaks. Licensed clinical social worker Rita Milios explains why in her informative article appearing in Recovery.org titled Control Freak: How to Stop Trying to Change Your World and Change Yourself Instead. Visit this link to read the article.

“If a person feels that they have lost control of themselves and their substance use, they often shift their sphere of control to other areas of their life. Feeling out of control increases the anxiety, and becoming a “control freak” is one way an addict may attempt to reduce this anxiety. Exerting outward control may also be an attempt to manage other uncomfortable emotions, such as depression, low self-esteem or feelings of powerlessness.”

Which Comes First—Addiction or Control? 

Yet, if addiction leads to the need to control, can it also be said that excessively controlling behavior can lead to addiction? An intriguing question, to be sure, given the toxic energy and anxiety created by such compulsive behavior.

Lisa, a recovering alcoholic, isn’t sure which came first for her.  She explains it this way in her introspective article, The Need for Control and Addiction:

“Looking back on my sobriety so far, those early days were cruel and painful. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I hated it. I was out of control, and I hated it. For a control freak like me, that was hard to handle!   I wonder what came first, Control Freak Personality/Type A or Addiction?….I do know that the more I abused alcohol, the more out of control I felt I was, therefore more anxious, therefore I drank more.”

Do Controllers Have More Control Over Their Lives? 

I believe there is a significant link between control and addiction. Irrespective of what comes first, I seriously doubt that addicts gain more control over their lives by being controlling. In fact, in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, I demonstrate through true stories that the best way you can gain control of your life—to the extent that you ever can—is by losing or letting go of control. Many believe it to be the first step in personal recovery And I believe the contrary also to be true:

The more you try to control your life, the more out of control your life becomes! 

Indeed, this belief is a cornerstone of the widely attended Al-Anon Twelve Step Program for personal recovery, where the harms of control are examined and ways of letting go of it shared.

This conclusion is readily apparent if you consider that life’s natural currents are unpredictable and have a constantly moving, ever-changing ebb and flow. Some people refer to this as Life’s Impermanence. Things never remain the same. As such, life (and people) can’t be controlled and trying to do so is akin to gripping a rapidly moving conveyor built: you will either get burned or dragged along.

What’s your belief about the link between addiction and control? Do you believe that control itself is an addiction? Is there an addict in your family that tries to control everything?   Does it alleviate his/her suffering? Please share with me and others your experiences with the addiction/control dynamic.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go! 

Danny

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5 Keys to Practicing “Acceptance”

| July 9, 2017

An underlying theme of my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity, is that acceptance is fundamental to reducing our need to control. Readers agree. The most highlighted sentence of Amazon’s best selling eBook version is:

“The more we accept people and things for who and what they are, the less we need to control.”

Readers also recognize the folly of trying to control others, a realization present in all acceptance stories. The second most highlighted part is:

“At bottom, excessive control represents our attempt to change another’s very nature and spirit. But because another’s true spirit cannot be changed except by that person alone—our efforts to do so are not only fruitless, they are also harmful. It is not about the other person as much as it is about us and our unwillingness to accept life as it is.”

The Importance of Acceptance

More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance* to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships. (See “Five Good Reasons for Accepting People as They Are”)

The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer and First Step of the widely practiced 12 Step Programs. It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.

Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to practice “Acceptance?”

We readily recognize how important it is, but so often don’t or can’t do it! Instead, we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.  When others share their acceptance stories, most reveal that at first it wasn’t easy to let go and accept things the way they were.

Keys to Practicing Acceptance

I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it. I believe there are five fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance. Consequently, the keys to success in practicing acceptance lay in our ability and willingness to overcome them.

*We are too afraid. We are fearful if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed. For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school. Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.

Facing and processing such fears makes it much easier to accept others and things as they are.

*We expect too much. Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.

*We lack trust and faith. Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it“play out” by itself because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.

Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions.

*We are not humble enough. Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way of doing it is the best way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others.

In short, we need to be more humble! It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe.

*We aren’t courageous enough. It takes considerable courage to overcome the above obstacles–and we often fall short.

Meaningful guidance is found in the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me…Courage to Change the Things I Can.”

We can try to face and move through our fears.

We can lower our expectations of others and things.

We can have greater faith that everything will turn out okay if we accept others and “what is.”

And we can strive to be more humble.

What do you do to practice acceptance?

Please share your acceptance stories with myself and others and let us know what helped you most.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*Acceptance does not mean that we need condone or excuse what we find distasteful about another’s ways or dislike about a situation. Simply, that we need to accept that is the way the person or thing is and that it is beyond our power to meaningfully change him or her or it.

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The Blessings of Acceptance

| June 27, 2017

There is an integral relationship between accepting life and people as they are, and enjoying a life with greater serenity.   Acceptance leads to new choices, discoveries and possibilities—many unexpected—as well as reduced stress, worry, and resentment.   In my forthcoming book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are, these and other blessings are explored in depth together with keys to practicing acceptance in our relationships and affairs.

Let me highlight one important one for you.

The Blessing of Connection   

In these hectic, impersonal times, the need for  close, intimate bonds and connection with friends, family and loved ones are more important than ever for our overall well-being.   When people truly know you accept them, they don’t feel pressured or judged or “less than,” and trust develops and they feel safer in opening up to you.

Take Leslie, for example.   From a young age, she longed for contact from her dad after he had moved and remarried following a divorce from her mother.   Well into her adult years, she waited anxiously for a phone call on her birthday, and an “I love you.” When her father came to town, she hoped that he would call and want to see her.   When these things didn’t happen, she was always shattered.   She wondered,

“What did I do wrong? Why does he not want to be with me? How could he love his other family more?

“Until one day, I saw my dad for who he was, and accepted his shortcomings…I began not to ‘expect.’ I was then able to let go of all the anger, and all the things he was not doing somehow started to happen. Birthday cards, lunch dates when he was in town, and phone calls quite often.”

Thus, by finally accepting her father for how he was, Leslie was blessed with the caring connection for which she had yearned.

Leslie’s story is not unique. I have witnessed this dynamic many times over with family and friends and heard many other inspiring acceptance stories. When we accept others as they are, we don’t expect things of them. And when we don’t expect things, there is no pressure on them to be something other than who and how they are.    They are free to be just themselves, and greater trust, openness, and connection follow organically.

Acceptance is a Choice 

Fundamentally, acceptance is a choice we make. You can choose to accept people and circumstances as they are, or not.  If you choose acceptance, that very act births opportunities that can transform—often dramatically—your life, the lives of others, and I believe the world.

In the coming months, I will share acceptance stories from others who chose to accept and the blessings they received.

For now, you can read three such acceptance stories in the free chapter download from The Gifts of Acceptance by subscribing where provided above or by clicking here.

In the meantime,

Let Go of Control—and Accept What Is! 

         Danny 

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Intentions for Accepting Others as They Are in 2017

| December 23, 2016

As we begin a year of great uncertainty, and for many, great fear and anxiety, it is important to consider what we can do to bring greater peace and serenity into our lives and those we love.   For me, that begins with striving to accept people as they are and life as it is—and importantly, to do so without anger or resentment. As I’ve done in the past, formulating acceptance intentions helps me considerably in practicing acceptance.

I am presently writing a new book titled The Gifts of Acceptance.    Below are a some acceptance intentions from the book related to accepting our loved ones, children, and parents.

In 2017, I intend to:

         “Be grateful for all the nice things my loved one does for me”

         “Accept my loved one’s personal choices” (more…)

Do Your Loved One’s Political Views Anger You?

| October 7, 2016

The current divisive political climate becomes even more divisive when the political choices of our loved ones are contrary to our own.   For example, what if you are for Clinton, and they are for Trump?  If you are for gun control, and they support the NRA?  If they want to build a gigantic wall along border to keep people out, and you feel it’s a foolish idea.

How do you deal with such political disharmony between your loved one and yourself?  Do you try to persuade them to change their views? (and how does that work?) Are you able to have respectful, cordial discussions with each other?  Or do damaging arguments ensue? Or, is it “My way or the highway!? (more…)

The Gift of Acceptance – Call For Submissions

| March 30, 2016

Contribute Your Acceptance Story to my New Book and Receive $50 plus a Free Signed Copy!

Do you have a personal story about how you accepted someone as they are–annoying traits and all? A love one, boss, parents, or estranged sibling—even a nemesis? Or a story about how your accepting an adversity (a business failure, career setback, health issue, child’s wrongdoing, or other setback) allowed you to move forward with your life in a less stressful, more positive way?

I am currently writing another book, titled The Gift of Acceptance about the profound and often unexpected benefits that are bestowed upon us when we accept people and things as they are, or the “what is” in our lives.  Included in the book will be true stories from individuals who have embraced the far-reaching acceptance dynamic.

Please share your acceptance story with the book’s readers, using the questions below as a guideline.  If your story is selected for the book, you will receive $50 plus a signed copy of the book one month after its formal publication. (more…)

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2015

| January 5, 2015

 

Have you set your intentions for 2015 yet? Because of their importance to my serenity, I annually review and update my intentions for letting go of control. Such intentions are highly effective in reducing our need or compulsion to control others and things. Below are my intentions for letting go of control in 2015 together with links to prior posts on the particular subjects.

I intend to:

Let go of the things that I cannot realistically change

Trust more that my children will make decisions that are best for them

Trust that I will be okay whatever the situation

Reduce my expectations of others

Recognize that what works for me does not necessarily work for others

Focus on improving my own shortcomings rather than trying to change others

Try to live more within the natural ebb and flow of  life

Be aware of the impermanence of life

Remember that most things are not as important as I think they are

Live and Let Live

Be more patient

Recognize that there is more than one path to an acceptable destination.

Timely process my  and resentments

Accept life as it is

Say the Serenity Prayer each morning

Be aware of the beauty all around me

Be more aware of and  grateful  for the many blessings in my life

And,

Repeat these intentions at least once a week throughout the year

If you have control issues as a parent, a co-worker, a lover, or a family member, my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity, How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (a seven year Amazon bestseller.) can be very helpful.

What are your intentions for letting go of control in 2015?  Please share them with me.  I encourage you to try the ones above that personally speak to you or formulate your own.   I am confident your reward will be,

Greater Serenity in 2015! 

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go! 

Danny

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Accepting the Limits of Old Age Brings Greater Happiness

| July 14, 2013

I have often expressed my belief about the strong link between acceptance and the need to control.    The more we accept things as they are, the less we need to control.    And the more controlling we are, the less accepting we are.

The benefits of acceptance in all areas of our lives are immense:  we obsess less about things over which we are effectively powerless; we are able to “see” practical options that lessen the pain and discomfort of life’s adversities; we forge stronger bonds with our children, family and friends; and we enjoy greater serenity.  And these are just some of the blessings of true acceptance.

Not surprising, a recent Australian study published in the Journal of Happiness concluded that,

 

Accepting what can’t be changed is the key to happiness in old age after loss of independence.

The study shows that when elders lose control of their prior independence, those that adapt and accept the changes—in this case living in residential care facilities—are happier.

Elders that accept their limitations can still find ways to enjoy life.  Take Karl Goldenthal, for example, an amateur photographer whose severe glaucoma prevented him from continuing his passion.   Although this was difficult for him to accept, he found joy in sharing his knowledge and teaching others to take pictures.

Perhaps Muriel Balash, then an eighty year old former successful documentary film director, said it best after she started losing control of her mind:

“Accept the fact that there are now limitations that you didn’t have before.  They don’t have to limit life’s pleasures, the things that you love to do…These are things you need to adapt to, and you’re going to need help.”

Still, accepting major life changes and setbacks can be painfully difficult.   People have to overcome their fears, anger, and resentments.  They have to reduce their expectations as well.  That is why I believe that for most, true acceptance in such circumstances is a gradual process; it takes time and patience to overcome our feelings of helplessness and accept our “losses.”

Because of its vital importance to our overall well being, over the past year I have been studying and writing about the benefits, challenges and dynamics of the acceptance process.   I encourage you to read my post, “5 Keys to Practicing Acceptance,” for some guidance on the subject.

I would also appreciate your sharing with me and others your acceptance stories.   What challenges did you face in accepting limitations or adversity in your life?  How has accepting the “what is” in your life helped you and others?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

 

Danny