Letting Go of Denial

| July 5, 2017


Denial is usually associated with rejecting or denying a certain state of affairs, or thinking or believing that things “aren’t so.” However, denial really encompasses much more than that; wishful thinking, turning a blind eye, and withdrawal are just a few subtle ways of our not wanting to accept the “what is” in our lives. Click here to read  “5 Keys to Practicing Acceptance” to learn how to practice more acceptance in your life.

More specifically, denial includes such things as not admitting to ourselves that our spouse has a severe drinking problem or an addiction; not dealing with a recurring health issue; avoiding a serious business or financial matter; not accepting that our child has social problems; and not owning up to a loss in performance in our favorite activities.

Whatever its form or manner, denial is fraught with harm to our happiness and well being.  

It makes no difference whether our denial is intentional or not.  When we deny the “reality” of our problems and troubling issues, they invariably become harder to deal with later.

And very importantly, denial prevents us from making choices and pursuing paths that could alleviate the very problems we are denying.

Why? Because we usually can’t “see” them!

Consequently, it is better (and healthier) for us to Let Go of Denial!        

One thing that can’t be denied, however, is that denial is very difficult to overcome.  In most cases, I have observed that there are two, interlinked reasons for this:

         *Our ignorance or lack of awareness of “what is”, and 

         *Our unwillingness or inability to accept “what is.” 

Hence, to let go of denial, we first need to be aware of the underlying reality of what’s going on.   To wit: Is there a problem? How serious is it? What is the dynamic or cause and effect? And how is it impacting us or others?

Once we are cognizant of the problem or issue, we then need to accept its underlying reality, which is to say, dispassionately see it for what it is. Expressed somewhat differently,

We must be able to see the “truth” and then have the courage and wherewithal to act upon it.   

Very importantly, however, this does not mean that we need to like or approve of such things, but rather simply see them for what they are and recognize that we are effectively powerless over changing them.

Unfortunately, it often takes considerable discomfort (often caused by our repeated denials) before we begin to recognize the changes we need to make. We may also need the help and guidance of others—including friends, mentors and therapists—to help shine the light for us. Hearing and reading others’ acceptance stories can also help.

Ultimately, letting go of denial is a gradual process of “awakening,” and as we begin to experience the benefits—blessings, really—of accepting life as it is, letting go of denial becomes much easier.

Please share your acceptance stories in the comment area below of how denial has impacted you and your love ones, and how you learned to let it go.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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Control Knows No Borders

| June 6, 2017

My writing of Losing Control, Finding Serenity was primarily within the context of my struggles and personal recovery from the compulsive need to control most things and people in my life– particularly those closest to me—and the resulting adverse consequences. I didn’t give much thought to how pervasive the need to control might be in people in other places, cultures, and traditions, nor in which ways they manifested control.

It was thus unexpected–and deeply rewarding to me–that LCFS has attracted a broad international audience since it was published six years ago. The same has been the case with respect to this blog, which draws daily visitors from the far corners of the globe.

I have thus recently thought about whether the need to control is a “global” issue and I believe it is. Here is why.

Control Takes Diverse Forms

Most people typically think of controllers in such terms or ways as nitpickers, micro-managers, control freaks, perfectionists, home and work despots, Type A personalities, and the like.

However, subtle, even genteel, forms of control can also impact our serenity.   For example, when we prod, cajole, or charm, or when we withdraw from loved ones or play the victim or martyr, we are usually trying to control others.  When we repeat a suggestion more than once, we are likely being controlling.   And when we apply “guilt trips,” we are clearly controlling.  Depending on how it is used, silence, too, can be very controlling.

I doubt that these kinds of control are exclusive to us here in the U.S.

The Common Catalyst for Control 

Both assertive and subtle forms of control have a common catalyst: FEAR.   In LCFS, I refer to fear as “Control’s Best Friend.” That’s because most controllers, particularly control freaks are fear driven. They are afraid of uncertainty, the unknown, and of what the future holds. They thus constantly dwell in the “what ifs” and “what might bes,” and in their core are concerned about their very survival. (Hence, the acronym “Future Events Already Ruined). To shield themselves from the flames of these demons, they grip life tightly in an attempt to build a security wall around their “home field.”

So a pertinent question, then, is whether fear is an oppressor only to us here in the U.S?   I’m pretty sure it isn’t, which is to say,

            Fear Knows No Borders.

Fear is indigenous to the human species, particularly “emotional” fears.   While certain peoples, cultures, and traditions may be less fearful and afraid than others, it’s unlikely that they’re totally immune from fear, and thus still control to some extent. Any differences likely lay in how often, how much, and in which ways they try to control—and not whether they control.

That is why I believe that, 

            Control Knows No Borders!

I also believe that is why LCFS and my blog have garnered international interest from people seeking personal recovery from these issues. People throughout the world are concerned about the harms of excessive control and want to learn how to be less controlling.

Please Share Your Thoughts

These, of course, are only my beliefs and thoughts on the subject. What are yours?  Do you believe that Americans generally control more or less than people from other parts of the world? Are our controlling means and methods different than others? Do you know of any nationalities, cultures, or tribes that control more or less than we do?   If so, which ones and why do you think that is?

In the meantime, 

Let It Go!—and Accept What Is 

Danny

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Visit this link to learn more about the journey to personal recovery from control issues.           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude*

| July 3, 2014

 

Freedom people living a free, happy, carefree life at beach. Silhouettes of a couple at sunset arms raised up showing happiness and a healthy lifestyle against a colorful sky of clouds background.

*Below is an article I wrote that was recently published in Tiny Buddha, a leading personal growth and inspiration blog.

 

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others”–Cicero

 

Being grateful or practicing gratitude has many benefits, including improving our health, relationships, careers, sleep, and self-esteem, to name just a few.  In recent years, these benefits have been confirmed in scientific studies showing how the brain is “rewired” by continuous grateful thoughts.   (see “The Grateful Brain”)

However, I recently discovered (and experienced) another significant, and I believe mainly overlooked, benefit of being grateful—in the somewhat unusual setting of a major seniors championship tennis tournament I played in Palm Springs this past January.   I learned that,

Practicing Gratitude Calms the Nerves and Mind

As an avid tennis player, I had struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play.  I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches.   Before playing in the tournament I read about a mental strategy recommended by sports psychologist Jeff Greenwald in his insightful book The Best Tennis of Your Life:

“Play with Gratitude.”

Feeling there was nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try.    Before my first match, I thought to myself how grateful I was that:

“I was able to play without injuries; “

 

“I could play in such a magnificent setting at the historical Palm Springs Tennis Club;”

 

“I could afford to take time off from work and treat myself to so much fun.”

I repeated these blessings throughout the match, was calm and focused, and won.

My next match was against a player that had soundly defeated me the year before.  I repeated the above blessings and added one more:

“I am grateful to have the opportunity to play the same person again to see if my game has improved.”

I played the best tennis of my life and won in two sets—and again was calm and focused throughout.

Hmm, I’m now thinking there must be something to this “being grateful reduces-the nerves-and-calms-the-mind” thing.   Next match: I played another (and seeded) player who also had soundly beat me the year before.

I again won in two sets.

I’m now in the semi-finals against the #1 seeded player, a former national champion.   I’m not only grateful for this, but I have been playing at a whole new level and having the tennis time of my life.

I lost in two hard fought sets, but not because I was nervous or uptight.   To the contrary, I played extremely well.   I lost because I played a more highly skilled and experienced player who, incidentally, shared with me after the match that he was grateful that he could still play so well in his 70’s!    (I think he was more grateful than me!)

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports and performance, probably applies equally to most life arenas.   Which is to say,

There is a Powerful Synergy between being Grateful and Calmness and Serenity.

 

I soon had the opportunity to prove this to myself again, but in an entirely different setting—a courtroom.   In April, I was in traffic court for a trial to fight a ticket that I felt I had wrongly received.    While waiting in court, I was nervous as heck as I repeatedly went over in my mind what I would say, what the officer would likely say, and how the judge might rule.

Then an amazing thing happened.   I reminded myself to be grateful—yes grateful.   Specifically, I was grateful that I had the opportunity to be heard and present my case—something I was clearly unable to do at the time the officer issued the citation.  I was also grateful that I lived in a country where I could seek justice without a lot of constraints.  With those thoughts, my nerves immediately subsided and I became very calm and grounded.

A short while later, my ticket was dismissed!

 

The Non-Science of Why Gratitude Leads to Greater Calmness and Serenity

 

I have no doubt that being grateful stimulates the brain’s neurons and in effect re-wires the brain to produce a more happier state of being.    I believe, however, there are more basic reasons why gratitude bestows upon us a more calm and serene state of mind.   For example, being grateful:

*Redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirit.    We shift from negative to positive thinking—and energy;

*Provides us with a true perspective of what’s at stake (including “how important is it?”);

*Reduces our anxiety creating fears; and,

*Allows us to let go of the need to control, thereby creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

Test the Gratitude/Calmness Dynamic

 

I encourage you to see if the gratitude/calmness dynamic works for you as it does for me.  For example, consider trying it when:

*You have to give an important talk or presentation;

*You have a job interview;

*You have to take an important test;

*You have to perform or go on stage;

*You have writer’s block; or,

*You keep procrastinating in completing an important task.

Bottom line, there is no shortage of opportunities where you can test this powerful dynamic!

Please write and let me and others know how it worked for you.    Were you calmer? Less tense?   More grounded?  What was the final outcome?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!

Danny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Confidence/Control Connection

| November 24, 2013

I am always exploring the connections between our feelings and emotions, behavior patterns and our propensity to control—or not control–others and outcomes.   Certain control catalysts are quite clear—fear, anger, anxiety, for instance–and I have written about them extensively in this blog and in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go.

Other factors, however, are less apparent.   One that came to mind the other day is confidence.   Confidence is generally considered a positive trait and influence in most aspects of our lives.   We perform better when we are confident.  We feel better when we are confident.  We are more balanced when we are confident.   And we are less fearful when we are confident.

But what about the connection between confidence and control?

There appears to be a strong inverse relationship between the two: the more confident we are, the less we feel the need to control.

Why so?   Here are a few reasons.    When we are confident,

*We are much less fearful, resentful, and anxious.

*We have greater trust that things will work out okay for us.

*We more readily accept that others are the best suited to make choices and decisions that impact their lives.

*We are more willing to flow within life’s natural currents, rather than try to resist them.

(Confidence is also very helpful in dealing with control freaks.  See my post, “How Confidence Helps Tame Control Freaks.”)

I would be interested in knowing your take on this subject.   Are you less controlling when you are confident?   Less anxious and fearful?  Are you more willing to accept people as they are when you are confident?

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Let Go of Your Blinders

| May 12, 2011

The intensity of our controlling actions impairs our vision.   It puts “blinders” on us and we are unable to recognize the opportunities and make the choices that would improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially.

The dynamic is akin to when you search intensely and determinedly to find your misplaced keys or glasses.  You retrace your steps and search everywhere; in all the drawers, under your desk, in the closet,  in your car, in the garage–all to no avail.

Frustrated, you finally stop searching, and lo and behold, several minutes later you spot your keys in plain sight.   Sound familiar?

When you let go of control you become more aware of the beauty and wonders all around you!

Start removing your control blinders!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Decontrol Your Life: Thriving and Prospering with Freedom and Contentment

| April 29, 2011

I am honored to have been selected as the keynote speaker at the prestigious Inside Edge Foundation for Education on Wednesday, May 11 at the Faculty University Club of the University of California, Irvine.

My speech is entitled “Decontrol Your Life: Thriving and Prospering with Freedom and Contentment”.  It is a breakfast meeting from 6:30-8:45 am, and I will speak for 45 minutes starting at 7:45.

Reservations can be made by calling 949-369-3837 or through the Inside Edge web site .   At a later date, my talk can  be viewed on Inside Edge’s  You Tube channel.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

Letting Go of Control Resonates with People

| April 24, 2011

I am very pleased that the central theme of my book (Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go) about the importance (and benefits) of letting go of  excessive control in our lives is resonating with so many people. The book has received very positive reviews (see below) and my many interviews on diverse local, regional, and national radio stations have been lively, educational and at times provocative.   It is clear to me that more and more people are recognizing how excessive control–the kind which is primarily triggered by our “unwanted” feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, anxiety, insecurity and the like–significantly harms our lives and those of others.

Book Reviews

I am proud to share some of the book reviews.

The very popular blog Positively Present featured an extensive review in March.  Here is an edited portion of the review:

“Though I wasn’t sure what I would get out of the book initially, what I found was invaluable information on: how to reduce the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment; how to make work less stressful and more profitable; how to find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy; and how to lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication. All of these topics were things I hadn’t really considered in relation to control, but reading Miller’s words really helped me to understand the many ways control plays a part in my life.

Miller offers excellent tips for how to remain aware of our own emotions and feelings. His advice — which I took immediately and started putting into practice in my own life — really does work. Small, simple acts can impact the way you are aware of how you are feeling and Miller’s work has served as a great reminder to me of how important it is to stay focused on what you are experiencing personally in order to control the need to control.

There are a lot of great books out there on self-help and I’m sure many are focused on this very same topic, but the guidance offered by Miller is this book is something I’d recommend to anyone struggling with control issues in his or her life. Even if it’s not you personally struggling with control, a lot can be learned from reading about what it’s like to have issues with control — and how you can help yourself and others cope with these issues.”

The Monthly Aspectarian new age newspaper published the following review in its April edition:

“At work they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less than perfection from their coworkers. At home they obsess over finding the “right” person. Then they criticize their lover or spouse for doing everything wrong. As parents they practice zero tolerance for their children’s preferred study practices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views.

Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type: micromanagers, nitpickers, domestic despots. Yet most of us fail to recognize the signs of the compulsion to control in ourselves—or realize the toll of this behavior takes on career, family, friendships, and our own happiness. Losing Control, Finding Serenity pinpoints the dangers of excessive control, which goes far beyond setting limits and standards, in all aspects of life. It shows those of us who feel the pressure to control how to break free and reap unexpected gifts.

Sharing his journey of transformation from up-tight control driven attorney to life-loving person who works less and earns more, Daniel Miller reveals what happened when he finally decided to “surrender”: his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, and he experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace. Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged control freaks, he guides us through an honest inventory of our control patterns, leading us to discover this compulsion is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxiety, and insecurity, then aggravated by anger and resentments.

In a chaotic, unpredictable world that’s frequently beyond our control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validation for going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, ever changing mystery.”

The New Age Retailer, the leading trade magazine for mind, body, and spirit retailers and book stores, published the following review in its just released May edition:

“This is a book about finding balance between control and surrender. It grew out of the author’s personal struggle to manage his life for maximum productivity and profit. As the glittering world he so doggedly built began to collapse around him, he looked for answers and found them in the places where he least expected to. Now he’s passing on the techniques he used to successfully rebuild his career and his life on a firmer, less controlled foundation. Down-to-earth and honest, the book is full of psychological and spiritual insight. It is also full of real world solutions for reconnecting with the natural flow of life and with our personal truth.  This book will be terrific for twelve-steppers who are just beginning to work with the program.”

The Impact of Control on Our Lives

I am thus encouraged and motivated to continue writing  about the impact of control on our lives and how we can let it go and enjoy the remarkable and unexpected gifts that come our way when  you do.  I again invite you to join the discourse by letting me know about your own “control” experiences at the Comment portion of this blog.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Press Tour Beginnings

| March 18, 2011

With the official release of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How The Need To Control Hurts Us and How To Let It Go earlier this month, Danny’s press tour is fully underway. The tour has already included radio interviews, television appearances and a multitude of book reviews.

Last week also included a book launch party for Danny’s close friends and family. The event was buzzing with excitement as stacks of books were sold and Danny spoke to guests about the journey that led him to publish his book. His path was marked with life altering events and years of serious self reflection that led Danny to discover some deep truths about himself, and the way he interacted with others. His wisdom is grounded in experience and it was clear that Danny is eager to share his knowledge with others.

To see some snapshots of the celebration, please take a peek at the gallery below.

Useful Links

Earlier this week Boing Boing , the world’s most popular blog with over 5,000,000 unique visitors a month, featured three excerpts from Danny’s book. To read “The Compulsion To Control” click here; to read “Fear: Control’s Best Friend” click here; to read “Losing Parental Control: Reducing The Struggle” click here.

To listen to Danny’s interview with Conscious Talk Radio click here.

Upcoming events include an interview on the “AM Ocala” radio show based out of Ocala, Florida at 10:35 ET on March 23rd; a second interview on March 23rd on the “Afternoon Delight” show of KASM-AM, based out of Albany, MN; and an interview on “News Now” by Voices of America at 10:30 am PST on April 1st.

Positively Present will also be posting their review of the book on March 25th.

Does Surrender Have to Be Total or Faith Based to Be Effective?

| February 22, 2011

In his recent post in the Huffington Times, “God, Life and Spiritual Practice of Surrendering ‘Complete’ Control”, Rabbi Will Berkowitz puts a faith based/religious slant on the practice of letting go of control.   He advocates what he calls cultivating a total and “ferocious surrender.”  Perhaps it is just his choice of words, but I nevertheless felt compelled to post a comment voicing my view on the subject:

“I agree with much of what the Rabbi says, but I dislike his use of the words “ferocious surrender.” To me the key is finding the balance between control and surrender that works for us, and I have found that even partially letting go of control can be very beneficial. It doesn’t have to be a total surrender. Once we gain confidence and begin to experience the benefits of the process, it becomes easier for us to give up more and more control.

I also view the process as more of a spiritual rather than a religious one. When we are able to let go of control, it frees life’s natural currents and we are better able to engage those currents in an intuitive and expansive manner, whether in love, parenting, friendships, creative endeavors, or work. Our strong need to control obscures our vision, and we fail to see options and make choices that would significantly improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially.”

Need Surrender be Faith Based?

Letting go of control or surrendering clearly can be faith or religious based. However, advocating the benefits of surrender on that basis limits its appeal and value to many people.   Non-believers or doubters will likely take objection, as some did to the Rabbi’s post, and thus not sufficiently consider the underlying merits of letting go of control.

Surrender needs not be faith based to be effective.  It can also be reality based or accepting life as it is. Once we recognize that there are many things in our lives that we cannot control, or over which we are powerless, it simply makes sense not to devote our time and energy to fruitlessly trying to control or change them.

Need Surrender be Total?

In my experience, we don’t have to “totally” surrender things in order to enjoy the rewards of giving up control.  Even small steps help.   If total or ferocious surrender is the prerequisite, many, if not most, people will be reluctant to try releasing control. Control is such a deeply ingrained pattern in most of us that it is unrealistic to assume that you can switch from control to no control in one fell swoop.   That’s why in Losing Control, Finding Serenity I encourage readers to start gradually in giving up control in “low stake” areas of their lives so that they can get comfortable with the process. You can then up the ante as you go forward.

Thus, I recommend that you start by taking small steps in letting go of control or surrendering.  If you decide to try, please let me know how it goes!

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Control and Illness: How Letting Go of Control Can Ease the Pain and Suffering

| January 20, 2011

Excessive control adversely impacts us emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially.   The intensity of controlling actions literally blinds us and we are unable to see the opportunities, nor be aware of the beauty, that is before us.  Instead, we become imprisoned by our fears, obsessions, and worries, all of which deprive us of our serenity.

What is less evident, however, is that over-managing our health impediments creates unnecessary pain and suffering as well.  An inspirational case in point is that of Gabrielle, who suffers from a severe Bi-Polar condition.   In a recent post on her blog, Gabrielle shares why she chose to relinquish control in managing her illness.  After describing how difficult it is for her to relinquish control—it goes against her nature, makes her feel weak and hopeless, and takes her to a very dark place—she confides that she has accepted that she is no longer in charge of her condition.

Relinquishing Control Reduces the Pain—And Makes Options Clear

By choosing to relinquish control, Gabrielle has found that, “It certainly beats repeatedly banging my head against the Bi-Polar wall.  It also conserves energy that is then at my disposal for me to enjoy during the days of fresh air and sunshine.”

Gabrielle’s story and ones like it confirm that the more we are able to accept the underlying “truths” of our misfortunes—even tragedies—to accept “what is,” the less pain and discomfort we will have to endure.   It is the vital and often difficult process of acceptance that enables us to recognize the meaningful choices we have before us to improve our lives.

Often we can find acceptance in the most unlikely places.  I am constantly enlightened when I see smiling faces on the poor and downtrodden. They may not like their situation, but they make the best of it and may even have hope that the future will be brighter.  Conversely, I am regrettably not surprised when I observe frowns and bitterness on the faces of those more fortunate.  The ability and willingness to accept does not discriminate.

Acceptance Does Not Mean Approval

To be clear, accepting “what is” does not mean we are giving our approval to a situation.  Rather, it means that we accept its “reality.”   For example, accepting another’s poor social etiquette or strange ways does not mean that we condone or excuse the behavior.   In the case of Gabrielle, accepting her illness doesn’t mean she “gives in” to it. But acceptance does allow us to let our judgments go and focus on what we have the power to do or change in order to make things better for ourselves. For example, if we are confronted with a person we don’t like, we can choose to focus on (and appreciate) that person’s positive qualities.  Or, if we find none, we can simply choose not to socialize as much with him or her.

The Synergistic Interplay between Relinquishing Control and Accepting “What Is”

There is a vital connection between accepting “what is” and relinquishing control.   We must be willing to relinquish control in order to truly accept “what is.”  Yet, we must also be willing to accept “what is” if we wish to let go of control.  Control and acceptance work together to bring greater serenity into our lives.  Gabrielle expresses this so poetically when she shares with us, “The truth is: I don’t manage my illness/condition.  I let it manage me.”

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Enhance Your Intuition by Letting Go of Control

| December 3, 2010

I have found that trusting my sound intuition invariably results in my making much better life decisions—particularly with respect to those situations that involve numerous pros and cons, or in which not all the key facts are known.

Not everyone trusts their intuition, but they should; intuition is one of the more effective tools you can use to help you solve problems.

The Master Calculator

Intuition means different things to different people.   My dad refers to it as “listening to that little person inside.”  Others refer to it as following their “gut feeling” or trusting their instincts.    However you may wish to call or think of it, I firmly believe that our sound intuition is uniquely qualified to assist us in vastly improving our lives.   It is the “master calculator” that is able to solve the complex puzzles in our lives that contain pieces from different boxes.

For example, we may need to weigh the financial consequences of working fewer hours versus the joy of being able to pursue a long desired personal passion.  Or to reduce business expenses due to the weak economy, we may need to decide which employee to let go: an honest and loyal employee who has poor work habits, or a productive one who intimidates other workers.

Situations like these aren’t always clear cut and easy to resolve; it is our intuition, operating in the background, that is able to integrate and process the countervailing factors and ultimately point us toward the right choice.

Excessive Control Undermines Our Intuition

The common definition of intuition is that of making decisions based on feelings rather than facts.   It follows, then, that our intuition works best (and is most reliable) when we approach challenging decisions from a calm and grounded place.

However, our controlling actions undermine this process.  Controlling actions generate tension, anxiety, worry, conflict, and the like, interfering with our ability to trust our intuition to be “sound”—because we are not feeling sound ourselves.  Controlling a situation forces or presses the action, so that life’s natural currents are unable to flow naturally.   If we disturb this flow, we can’t observe it completely—and this disrupts our ability to make decisions based on all the options available to us.

Enhance Your Intuition by Letting Go of Control

We need to let go of control if we wish to utilize our intuition to the fullest.  In prior posts (as well as in my forthcoming book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity) I have written about the harms of over-managing our lives, and the lives of others.  I’ve also written about the remarkable benefits that follow when you are willing to let go of control in important life arenas.

I encourage you to participate in the discourse by sharing your own feelings and experiences about control.

In the meantime, remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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How to Let Go and Lose Control: An Introduction to the DeControl Yourself Blog

| October 7, 2010
Daniel A Miller author

As I have begun sharing and speaking about the benefits of giving up control, it has been especially rewarding that my message has resonated so strongly with people.  I have found that so many people are ready to let go.  Quite simply, they recognize that their controlling methods and devices haven’t served them well, particularly in our increasingly complex world.

The goal of this “Decontrol Yourself” blog is to expand that message to others by creating what I hope will become a participatory forum and discourse about the many facets of the control dynamic.  In particular, this blog will:

a) Examine the harms of excessive control in vital life arenas—particularly parenting and family, intimate relations, friendships, the work place, and creative endeavors;

b) Offer effective tools and techniques for reducing the need and compulsion to control; in other words, teach you how to lose control;

c) Share the unexpected and often remarkable personal and professional rewards that occur when we are able and willing to lose some control.

Are You a Controller?

The type of control that we will address on the Decontrol Yourself blog is excessive or domineering control.  This “Are You a Controller?” quiz will help you determine if you suffer from this type of control issue.

Generally speaking, the need to control people and situations most often comes from our unwanted and unprocessed feelings (or “Personal Truths”) such as fear, worry, anxiety, anger and resentment, insecurity, rejection, and the like.

On this blog, I will try to be as specific as I can be in addressing important control issues and in recommending strategies that will diminish the urge to control.  As part of this process, I will share my own personal experiences with the powerful control dynamic, as well the stories of others I know and have counseled.

In this first post, however, I wish to share my core beliefs as they impact control.

Core Beliefs

The first is that life is in a constant state of motion: fluid, shifting, changing directions, ebbing and flowing, and always moving.  As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—yet that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.

Imagine you’re trying to hold on to a rapidly moving conveyor built.  You may slow it down momentarily, but you would either get burned or dragged along in the process.  These “rope burns” are the side effect of trying to slow down or manipulate life, and I will explore them (and how to avoid them) in future posts.

Secondly, we cannot change or control others in any meaningful way.  All the effort and energy we expend in trying to do so, whether by reasoning, pleading, hoping, threatening, cajoling, or other controlling means, is for naught and at great cost to our own personal development and serenity.  Others can and will change, if and when they choose.

Lastly, I believe that within the natural flow or energy force of life, lie innate wisdom and the potential for inner peace, and the solutions to many of our most challenging issues. I have learned that the more I am able to live my life in accordance with the currents of this rhythm, the more peace and serenity I am blessed to have.

I have also learned many times over that the key to living in this flow is my being willing and able to relinquish control.  Releasing control frees the currents and offers us the opportunity to glide intuitively, creatively, and spiritually within them.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

Thank you for your visit today.  I encourage you to subscribe to my RSS feed or sign up to receive my posts by email.  Future posts on the Decontrol Yourself blog will explore effective tools and strategies for letting go of control.  I’ll also share the many benefits that you will enjoy when you do.

Take it Easy,

Danny Miller
Author, Losing Control, Finding Serenity:  How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go