Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus

| April 26, 2020

(Third in an ongoing series on  Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus) 

If you’re like me, your tolerance of others has been strained in this Time of Coronavirus, be it with loved ones you are
“confined” at home with or just people who get on your nerves.

No question about it, most people are on edge these days and it doesn’t take much for them to go off.

Patience is in short supply, and anger is in abundance.

If I were to tell you that you would likely be much better off—and have greater serenity—if you were to accept these people as they are, you might think I have contacted the virus!

Fortunately, I haven’t—and hope not to!

But I will also tell you that accepting others, as ornery as they may be, does not mean what you might think it means.

It has nothing to do with excusing, condoning, or otherwise approving of their words or behavior. (See, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance)

It does have a lot to do with “staying on your side of the street” and focusing on taking good care of yourself.

Take my friend Jen, for example.   On many days, her husband is stressed and agitated, particularly over being cooped up at home day and night.

As Jen puts it, “I truly don’t know what side of the bed he will be getting up on each day.”

She further explains,

“But I also know I can’t fix him or make him feel better.  I’ve learned that’s well beyond my power to accomplish.   And when I do focus on his woes too much, I soon find myself down the rabbit’s hole as well, and that clearly doesn’t help him any.

“So I just try to love and accept him as he is, pray for his well being, and be careful not to get wrapped up in it all.  That allows me to stay more emotionally balanced and focus on what I can do to take better care of myself during these difficult times.”

Here are four suggestions that will make it easier to accept others in The Time of Coronavirus:

  1. Cut them some slack. These are trying times for everyone. A lot of people are really struggling in coping with things.   Their fears, frustrations, and “demons” consume them.  These are not normal times and many people are not acting as they normally do.
  2. Don’t take things too personally. What someone says or does that offends most often has more to do with where they are in their life or what’s happening to them. In other words, it’s not about us.   Hence, when the “stings” come, try to take some time to consider what their real sources may be and not take the matters too personally.
  3. Detach with love. This mainstay of the 12 Step programs is particularly helpful now.  It simply means to emotionally (and if necessary, physically) separate or remove yourself from the “drama” or unnerving ways of others, but to do so in a kind, caring manner.  Jen’s story is a good example of detaching with love.
  4. Consider whether you had a role in another’s behavior. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that we, too, have been impacted by what’s going on.   We also may not be our “normal” selves and may have contributed to another’s offensive or irritable ways.   It’s therefore important to at least ask yourself such questions as:

“Did I play a part in the matter?”  “Have I been curt or impatient with the person?”  “Have I been on edge lately?”, and the like.

I am confident that these tools will help you better accept others in The Time of Coronavirus and concurrently bring you greater calm and serenity.

I welcome your thoughts and experiences on accepting people who bother you.   How do you, for example, react or respond when someone upsets or irritates you?  What acceptance tools have helped you in dealing with such people?

(You may also wish to read the first two posts in this series:“Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus” and “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”)

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity, available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus–A Series

| April 6, 2020

 “These are Times that Try Men’s Souls”

In December 1776 General George Washington and his troops were facing imminent defeat, having been driven out of New York and chased across New Jersey by the British.

Washington had been deserted by Congress and his demoralized, hungry, and ill equipped troops planned to go home in two weeks when their enlistments ran out.

In an inspired move, Washington rounded up his weary soldiers into ranks and had them listen to a stirring message written by Thomas Paine:

“These are the times that try men’s souls.  The summersoldier and sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”* 

Thomas Paine’s words had a major impact on Washington’s beleaguered soldiers.   A sense of renewed commitment and sacred mission returned to their souls.

Two nights later they crossed the Delaware, caught the British mercenaries completely off guard on a groggy hangover the morning after Christmas Day.   Washington captured the whole British contingent of a thousand Hessians without a single American being killed.

The rest, as they say, is History!

We are now facing an equally precarious time in our “history”—one brought about by the unrelenting coronavirus and Covid-19 pandemic.  And many, if not most, of us are equally dreary, beleaguered, demoralized—and fear driven.

I wish I had some stirring words like Thomas Paine to arouse and inspire you.  I clearly don’t.  I suffer the same unsettling range of emotions that you likely do.

However, I know that practicing acceptance in the time of coronvirus has helped me cope with the current chaos and uncertainty.   It lightens my spirit.  It grounds me.  It balances me.  And it frees me.  (See my last post “How The Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with the Coronavirus)

From the tremendous response to that post, I am heartened to learn that it helps others as well. Daily blog visitors have increased more than tenfold.   Facebook friends and fans have shared broadly.

I cannot tell you how deeply grateful I am for that.   It makes me feel useful and being of service at a time when I so often feel helpless and powerless.

It also motivates me to do and share more about how to practice acceptance and enjoy the many “gifts” that surely follow.

I thus will be offering a short course  on “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus” through weekly blog posts.

I will share what I know and have experienced first hand, as well as things learned from others, about practicing acceptance–its benefits, keys, challenges, obstacles, catalysts and dynamics.

Although I have extensively written and talked about these subjects before, I will discuss them and others within the context of the coronavirus Covid-19 pandemic. I hope to do so in a personal, everyday sort of way.

Concurrent with that, I have lowered the price of the ebooks for The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity to $2.99, so that more people will be given the opportunity to read and hopefully learn from them.

So stay tuned for the first session!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*From The Crisis by Thomas Paine, December 23, 1776.  His cogent essay is prescient about the politics, public panic, and other aspects of the coronavirus pandemic.

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Improving the Love Flow Through Acceptance

| March 10, 2020
loving relationships

Accepting our loved ones for who, what, and how they are leads to greater trust and deeper bonds, two of the major gifts of acceptance I write about in The Gifts of Acceptance.   Simply put, it improves the love flow.

Not so simple, however, is accepting  the quirks, idiosyncrasies, and habits of our loved ones that we dislike or find annoying.   It can be very challenging,  to be sure, but is essential for true acceptance. (For more on what acceptance is—and isn’t–see my post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance.”)

Below is an article of mine about several important keys to overcoming the challenges of accepting our loved ones that was recently published in the Tiny Buddha blog, which has over 4,500,000 followers.   I hope you enjoy it.

   How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship        

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”—Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.

Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally?  Indeed, almost effortlessly.   There is a good reason for this.   These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow.

When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough.  That they fall short.

Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart?

Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow.

Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship.

If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well?

Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.

           Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One

When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change the traits and habits of loved ones or opine and advise what they should do differently.

Myself included!

I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage.  In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage.  I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled.

She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later.  When I continued harping, I was quickly met with,

“You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry…andkeeping the garage neat!”

Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!

I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond.

As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was–clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow.  Our bond is stronger than ever today.

Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected “gift.   It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter.  I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise.

Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me.

Simply put, it was about me, not her!

It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask,

Do I really have the power to change my loved one? 

In most cases, we don’t. The simple truth is that people will change when and if they choose or are able to do so, not because we want them to.

         Reduce Your Expectations of Your Loved One 

High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment, and disconnect.   My friend Margaret shared how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:

“Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships I have had. I start out being fun and easy going, but once the relationship begins to build, I start to expect a certain level of communication, contact and time together. . .. I almost don’t know I’m doing it. I hear the person say they feel pressure and like every thing has to be scheduled, yet I continue. It is horrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I need to let go, I just don’t seem to know how to do it.”

Margaret’s quandary is not uncommon: few expectations at the beginning when the “love stakes” are low, and steadily increasing as the relationship becomes more serious.

One thing is clear, however: When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting him.

Underlying many of our expectations are core needs we look for others to fulfill.  For example, we may believe if our partner would be more nurturing or spend more time with us—instead of working so much or doing other things—we would be more content and less lonely. Or if she took more interest in our endeavors and passions, they would be more satisfying.

Consider, though, whether we are truly better off if our loved one does as we want or expect? Is our happiness and well-being that dependent on them? I suggest not.

When our focus and reliance is too much on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can make to improve the relationship.

It can help reduce your expectations, if you ask yourself this question:

Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically fulfill?  

Most often they are something that only we can. 

              Honor Your Loved One’s Choices 

All people, including our loved ones, have their own life path and are entitled to make the choices and decisions that influence and ultimately determine that path.

We can have compassion for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want what’s best for them, but we cannot truly know what is best for them. 

That’s because we look at things through our own history, prisms, and filters, not theirs. Hence, we should accept their choices, unless we or others are harmed by them. When we don’t, we aren’t accepting them as they are, and risk impeding and jeopardizing their path.

To be sure, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling inclinations and keep my ego in check or quiet that “I know what’s best” part of me.

I also need to remind myself that others’ points of view and choices have validity—for them. 

                        Acceptance is a Choice

In the final analysis, accepting our loved one for who, what, and how he or she is, is a choice that each of us has to make. We are essentially powerless over changing their ways and traits that we dislike, and trying to do so makes things worse.

We are much better served by focusing on what we do have control over: our part or role in the relationship.

That includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions, and our willingness to own up to our own shortcomings and part in relationship dysfunctions.

And remember,

No one is perfect and without flaws, least of all ourselves! 

I encourage you to choose acceptance—and improve the love flow!

……………………………………………………………..

(A related post you might enjoy is “Letting Go of Control Improves the Love Flow.”)

I would love to hear about what has worked well for you in accepting your loved one as she or he is and how that has helped!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

…and let’s help make acceptance go Viral!

Danny

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The Harms of Withdrawal–And How to “Return”

| January 27, 2020

 

In a recent post, I explained how procrastination is a control based avoidance mechanism that carries potentially severe consequences.  Withdrawal is another such mechanism that can be even more detrimental to our well-being.

At times we all have had the urge to retreat and “hole up” and just escape the world.   This is understandable given the burdens, responsibilities, and pressures we face today.

For much of my adult life, withdrawal was my default mode, usually triggered by strong anger, feeling mistreated, or being overwhelmed.

Truth be told, it didn’t take much for me to emotionally “leave” my loved ones.

It was often easier for me to retreat into my private world of painful thoughts than to confront vital issues head-on.   Blame was often the game, as I remained stuck in my self-pity.

Indeed, I can’t think of anything positive that ever resulted from my absences.

Harms of Withdrawal

Withdrawal can become a self-perpetuating process.   The longer your departure, the more difficult your return, and by the time you do return, considerable harm may have already occurred—to you and others.

At home, your mates and family may feel rejected and helpless– even abandoned.  At work, it is difficult to focus on important tasks and assignments, as well as interact with co-workers and customers.

In the arts, your creativity is easily submerged.   And with intimate relations, your sex drive can disappear.

Returning from Exile 

Consequently, because of its negative momentum, withdrawal needs to be nipped in the bud.   I learned that it is important to learn from your past history what makes you depart, and then make an effort to timely counter it.

For many, unprocessed anger and resentment are the catalysts.  For others, it may be financial or health fears, or deteriorating personal relationships.  Grief and sadness, particularly from the loss of a loved one or a close relationship, are also prevalent causes of withdrawal.

To return from your personal “exile,” it is paramount that these core feelings and emotions be processed; otherwise they will fester, propelling you deeper into your inner sanctum.  You must “face and embrace” them; “lean” in to them, if you will.   As you do, the barriers to your return will begin to thaw.

A good way to process your unsettling feelings and emotions is by sharing them with a trusted friend or confidant.   Another is to write about them in some way.

During one withdrawal, I wrote the below poem about withdrawal and what I needed to do to overcome it.   It is included at the beginning of the chapter titled  Avoiding Avoidance in Losing Control, Finding Serenity

Default Mode                                                         

“Engulfed with anger,

We retreat.

Ensnarled by fear,

We hide.

 

Webbed by doubts

We avoid.

Immersed in pities,

We remain

In exile—

With no default mode.

 

To return,

Joust the fears,

Lose the anger,

Embrace the truth, and

Face the danger.”

Please share  your experiences with withdrawal.  What typically induces it? How does it impact you?  And how do you overcome it?

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is”! 

Danny

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The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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Optimizing The Benefits of The Serenity Prayer

| August 12, 2019

The Serenity Prayer* is my guide to practicing acceptance in all my affairs.   It is a prayer for acceptance that allows me to be more fully aware, from the very start of my day, of the vast number of things I cannot control or change, and it reminds me that my very serenity depends on my willingness to accept them as they are.

I devote a chapter in The Gifts of Acceptance on ways to effectively apply the three poetic phrases of the Prayer.   For many, the last phrase, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” is the most challenging one in practice.

Specifically, how do we know whether we do or do not have the power to change or control a person or situation?   

The determination is frequently difficult. Strong emotions—fear and anger, for example—as well as high expectations easily thwart our intentions to realistically consider whether the issue is something over which we truly have power.   Denial, too, can impact the determination because of our ignorance or unawareness of (or unwillingness) to accept the underlying reality of the situation.

The requisite wisdom often comes only after enduring the hard, painful consequences of ongoing non-acceptance.  The pains of non-acceptance will likely occur at different times for each of us because there will always be things and people we aren’t able to accept—at least initially.

Here are two ways that will help you with the wisdom to know the difference and thereby optimize the benefits of The Serenity Prayer:

Pause and Reflect 

When first faced with contentious issues or people, take a moment (or as some say, “pause”) to consider whether you can realistically expect to change matters.   Try not to react impulsively or retaliate.   Fear and anger often emerge, and it is important to constructively process these emotions as soon as you are able.    Try to remember the acronym for FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.

Pausing and reflecting in this manner will ground you and enable you to better evaluate what is really at stake and its importance, and that in turn will allow you to address the situation or person in a more constructive, responsive manner.

Consider Whether You Can Meaningfully Impact the Person or Situation 

Even if you feel you can change or have some impact on the matter or person, consider whether any success is worth the cost and energy—and anguish.

What I have found extremely helpful in uncertain situations is to ask myself “Can I have any meaningful impact on the person or situation?”  If I don’t think I can, I accept the current situation or circumstance and move on.   Similarly, it is also helpful to ask oneself, “How important is this to me?”

Remember, not everything is a crisis, but anything can become one if you fail to let go of control and accept “what is.”

Please share with me what you have found helpful in determining whether or not you have the power to change certain people or things in your life, giving specific examples if you can.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*”God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

Courage to Change the Things I Can, and

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.”

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The Humility/Acceptance Link

| July 18, 2019

In media interviews for The Gifts of Acceptance I am often asked,  “what are the keys to practicing acceptance?”

When I say “humility” is an important key, some interviewers ask me to explain further because the link between humility and acceptance may not seem readily apparent.

Yet, it’s a very direct one.

Simply put, in order to accept people as they are, we need to be humble.   Within the context of acceptance, that means we must recognize and accept that:

  1. We truly don’t know what’s best for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.    (We are not so omniscient, as many of us are prone to believe!)
  1. Our way is not the only way.  It’s just a way, nothing more.   There are multiple paths to an acceptable destination.
  1. What works well for us doesn’t mean that it will work well for others. Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently.

 

  1. Everyone has the right to determine (and choose) what’s best for them, and we should respect and honor their choices as long as they don’t harm us or those close to us.
  1. We should be open-minded and non-judgmental. (Probably the most challenging aspect of humility)

Being humble also means that we shouldn’t judge, criticize, or press our views on others, unless asked.   Nor should we constantly try to control or change people, no matter how much we think it will benefit them.

Admittedly, it’s much easier to understand humility than to practice it.   As a former compulsive controller, it’s been a life long challenge for me to refrain from telling others, particularly those closest to me, what I think they should do or not do, or how they should be.

It’s all too easy to justify our intrusions as acts of love, care, and concern.   However, experience has proven to me time again that I risk doing more harm than good—to others and myself—when I fail to be humble.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Honor My Father by Accepting Him as He Is

| June 11, 2019

My father, Morry Miller, was only 21 years old when this Air Force photo of him was taken. During World War II he captained over 35 missions in the dangerous South Pacific with the famous (and infamous) heavy, unsafe B-24 bomber that was prominently featured in the movie “Unbroken” several years ago. My dad returned from the War a small town hero in his native Redlands, CA.

He also returned a strict disciplinarian to his unwitting three year old son–me. Growing up, our relationship was never easy. It seemed that whatever I accomplished in school or sports was never good enough for him. When I received A-s and B+s, I was greeted with “why didn’t you get A’s?”  When I got a hit in a little league baseball game, he wanted to know why I didn’t get more.

As I began to sprout my wings as a teenager and young adult, we constantly battled, and his punishment of choice was not to speak to me for sometimes months at a time.   I  questioned whether he loved me because I never heard, “I love you Danny.” My mother always assured me that he did, but that didn’t convince me.

But this Father’s Day, I choose to honor my father (who turns 97 today!), to love and admire him–and to accept him as he is, even though he remains very  judgmental.  Why? Because very simply, I know that he did the best he could as an extremely young father with limited parenting tools who didn’t have the many opportunities and resources (particularly educational, social, and financial) that he generously afforded me.

I  do so because of the important values he passed on to me: a strong work ethic and conducting one’s affairs in a principled and truthful manner, and because his not acknowledging me  ultimately caused me to strive harder and achieve greater success in college and in my career.

I do so because he never meant me any harm; quite the contrary, he truly wanted what was best for me.

I do so because of the  constant love and dedication he has shown in taking care of my mother, who had a debilitating stroke six years ago.

And finally, I do so because it frees me from resentments from the past and allows me to focus on the things that will improve my life.

As I explain in The Gifts of Acceptance and my other writings on the subject, the gifts of acceptance are reciprocal. By accepting my father as he is, our bond has grown stronger each year and we share many intimate moments– and, I now gratefully hear, “Danny, I love you.”

So this Father’s Day, I encourage you to choose Acceptance. My prior post, “The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: Acceptance” further explains why.  You can also watch my recent CBS tv interview on the subject here:http://tinyurl.com/y67aljvb

I love you Dad!

In the meantime,

Let It Go–And Accept What Is!

Danny

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The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: ACCEPTANCE

| May 1, 2019

We’re taught to honor our mother and father.   But what if they weren’t exactly a model of calm maternal and paternal caring, strength, and guidance during your childhood.   What if they still criticize and demean you, infuriate you, or simply push your buttons?

This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, why not try accepting them?  Why should you, you might wonder?  Because choosing acceptance can make a world of difference, and perhaps none more so than with accepting our parents–faults, blemishes, defects, and all.

Three Important Reasons Why We Should Accept Our Parents

It releases us from the shackles of the pastand the anger and resentment for what they did or didn’t do for us or give us.  With acceptance, we are no longer bound to our parents for our happiness and security.  It is when we continue to blame, resent, and despise our parents, that we remain stuck in the past.

There is a critical shift in focus to what we can do to improve our own lives.  Simply put, we are free to discover who we really are and who we can become.

It can improve and even heal our relationship with them.   When we stop seeking or expecting what our parents can’t or are unable to give us, trying to change their ways, or judging them, trust, openness, and even intimacy can result.

What Does Accepting Our Parents Really Mean?

Accepting our parents is not easy, and often extremely difficult, especially if there has been serious past abuse and transgressions.*  That’s why in The Gifts of Acceptance, I offer tools, strategies, and intentions that make it easier to accept our parents as they are.

One key is to remember that accepting our parents does not mean that we are excusing or condoning their conduct or behavior. Rather, we are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way they are—and acknowledging that we have little or no power to change them—and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for us aligned with that reality. (See my previous post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

For many, acceptance is a way to emotionally and spiritually detach themselves from the resentment and obstructions that accompany such behavior. So, consider this:

In giving “the gifts of acceptance” to our parents this Mother’s and Father’s Day, we are also receiving profound gifts. 

Please share your experiences and stories in accepting your parents, including the challenges and obstacles you faced, what helped and what didn’t,  whether it improved your relationship with them, and whether it helped you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—And Accept “What Is!” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

*I do not mean to suggest that where there has been severe parental abuse (including emotional and sexual) violence, or similarly harmful behavior, that children should accept their parents at all costs.  It is a very personal decision.  Many who have suffered such abuse are adamant about not forgiving or accepting their parents, feeling no benefit would be derived therefrom.  Others (as shared in my book) found it was essential to releasing the past and moving forward in their lives.

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

Three Misconceptions About Acceptance

| March 2, 2019

Do you have trouble accepting annoying people in your life?  If you are like others I have spoken to on the matter, your thoughts on the subject might be similar to theirs:

Why should I accept . . .

My sister’s condescending behavior?
My mother’s belittling me all the time?
My husband’s telling me what’s best for me?
My boss’s nitpicking ways?

If pressed to at least try accepting such people as they are, they might respond with something like

Why should I have to put up with them?
What good will it do me?
I don’t need them in my life.
I refuse to sacrifice my principles and values.
Nothing will really change.

These are all very valid concerns, and truth be told, I’ve felt them many times myself. However, I have learned that they stem mainly from certain misconceptions about what acceptance means.  In The Gifts of Acceptance (recently named a Best Wellness Book of 2018 by Library Journal), I discuss them at length in the chapter titled “What Acceptance Is–And Isn’t.”

For now, let’s take a look at three common misperceptions about acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean,

That you approve or condone another’s behavior. 

It is a mistake to equate acceptance with approval.  You are not approving or condoning another’s actions or behavior by accepting them as they are. Rather, you are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way a person is and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for you aligned with that reality. Hence, you can accept someone as they are even though you disapprove of what the person has done. As such, acceptance is neither a positive or negative mind-set; it is more of an even keeled, neutral one.

However, to be very clear, acceptance does not mean that you should accept abuse, violence, or other aberrant or intolerable behavior. Nor does it mean that you cannot or should not remove yourself from, or even sever ties with, someone if you determine that is in your best interest to do so.

Acceptance also does not mean,

That you must “give in” to others. 

         Acceptance does not require that you relinquish your needs or subordinate your best interests to those of others. Once again, if you feel unfairly burdened or imposed upon, you can disengage or detach—and when necessary, stand your ground. The only thing that I believe you should give in to is that every person has her own life path and that it is beyond your power (and, I believe, right) to meaningfully alter it. If your respective paths are not in sync, you are free to acknowledge that and move on.

And very importantly, acceptance does not mean,

That you have no viable choices. 

To the contrary, it is only by accepting people (annoying or otherwise) as they are, that you are able to recognize the choices and options that will serve you best. Why? Because with acceptance, the focus changes from others and circumstances to you—and what you can do to better serve your needs.

Thus, when you have difficulty accepting someone as they are, keep in mind what it does not mean.   That will make it easer for you to practice acceptance and enjoy the many gifts that follow, including less resentment and frustration and more peace and serenity!

I welcome your thoughts, suggestions, and experiences about accepting difficult people in your lives.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”, 

Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

 

 

 

Challenges of Accepting People and Things as They Are

| October 26, 2018

There are formidable challenges to accepting people and things as they are.  In the Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are I explore in depth how to overcome the main obstacles to practicing acceptance.  As part of my efforts to help “Make Acceptance Go Viral,” I recently wrote an article for the popular blog, Purpose Fairy,  entitled “Four Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance–and How to Overcome Them,”  which is reproduced below.   I hope you find it helpful in practicing acceptance.

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“More and more people in all walks of life are coming to understand the importance of acceptance to their overall well-being, not the least of which is the vital role it plays in improving (and healing) family, love, work and interpersonal relationships.   Acceptance leads to a life marked by realistic expectations, greater humility, and new choices, discoveries, and possibilities, as well as reduced sorry, stress, and frustrations—a life where hope replaces despair.

The acceptance paradigm is the very essence of The Serenity Prayer andthe widely practiced 12 Step Programs.  It is an intrinsic part of many spiritual beliefs and practices and fundamental to most mind, body and spirit teachings.

Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is not difficult.  Why, then, is it that we—myself included—find it so difficult to “practice acceptance”? And why do we continue to direct, pressure, resist, criticize, manipulate—almost anything except accept our powerlessness over others and most things.

                           Overcoming Four Major Obstacles to Practicing Acceptance 

I have given serious thought to this quandary and how we can overcome or at least minimize it.  I have done extensive research, reflected on my own experience with hardships, and interviewed people who are blessed with the serenity of living in acceptance, even in the most discouraging situations.

In doing so, I have come to believe there are at least four fundamental, interrelated obstacles to our being able to effectively practice acceptance.

We Are Too Fearful.

Fear is a powerful acceptance blocker.  We are fearful that if we accept the way others are, we—or they– will somehow be harmed.  For example, if we allow our children to schedule their homework or study for tests as they see fit, we may be fearful that they will falter at school (and not get into college!)  Similarly, if we accept annoying aspects and quirks of another’s personality, we may be afraid we would be giving up too much of (or not be able to fend for) ourselves.

Consequently, facing and processing such acceptance fears make it much easier to accept others and things as they are.  Our fears are mostly illusory or speculative.   Apt acronyms for FEAR are False EvidenceAppearing Real and Future Events Already Ruined.   Think about this for a moment.  Isn’t it the case that most of our fears are based on suppositions, speculations concerning events that haven’t yet occurred?   If you constantly remind yourself of this, your fears will not undermine you.

We Expect Too Much of Others.

Simply put, if we expect, we can’t accept! We thus need to lower or moderate our expectations of others in order to accept them as they are.

Our expectations are often based on our perceived needs that we look to others to satisfy.   The real truth is that only wecan satisfy our core needs.

To help moderate your expectations, here are three pertinent questions you can ask yourself:

         Are there any unfulfilled needs of mine underlying my expectations of another person? 

         Am I looking for him to fulfill those needs? 

         Can she realistically fulfill those needs– even if she wanted to? 

We Lack Trust and Faith.

Many of us simply do not trust or have faith that things will work out okay (or that we will be okay) if we accept “what is.” At work, for example, we may be struggling with a complex business problem over which we have very little influence, yet are reticent to let it “play out” naturally because we don’t have faith that the outcome will be positive.

Trust and faith can be fostered by remembering that almost always there are multiple paths to acceptable destinations and solutions.   You need only look back on your past life experiences and travails to realize this is the case.   I have found that it helps to verbalize trust; i.e., “I trust that (fill in the blank) will work out okay”, “I trust that I will overcome this challenge.”

We Are Not Humble Enough.

Accepting people and things as they are requires humility. We have to be willing to let go of such beliefs as “my way is the best or right way” and “I know what’s best for others.” We need to understand that what works well for us might not work well for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.

It helps if we realize that we are not nearly as omniscient or omnipotent as we are prone to believe.  Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently.  To believe that our way is best for others borders on arrogance.

                                                        An Acceptance Challenge!

Overcoming these acceptance obstacles—even partially—enhances practicing acceptance.    Thus, during this week I challenge you to focus on accepting people and things as they are—which is to say accepting life on life’s terms—by reducing your expectations, being more humble, addressing your fears, and trusting that everything will turn out as it is meant to me.

In doing so, I am confident The Gifts of Acceptance await you!”

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I would be very interested in learning about what obstacles have made it difficult for you to accept people and things as they are and how you have overcome or mitigated their impact.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is.”

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*If you like this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

**I am excited to let you know that The Gifts of Acceptance is now available as an audiobook on audible.com.

 

 

The Gifts of Accepting Our Children’s Addictions

| July 28, 2018

Some people–maybe even you–upon reading the title of this post might immediately retort something like, “Gifts? What do you mean mean gifts?  My child’s addiction has been nothing but a horrendous burden for us.”

I understand your frustration. I really do. I have friends who have suffered tremendously in dealing with their children’s debilitating drug and alcohol addictions. Household theft, deceit, manipulation, and violence are not uncommon.

Most parents will do almost anything to keep their children off the streets, in school, and out of jail. When going through such hell, parents have difficulty conceiving that accepting their children’s addictions could be of any benefit.

My friend Mike, however, found unexpected gifts after finally accepting his son’s drug and alcohol addictions. (more…)