Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

| May 6, 2020

         (4th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more.  High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before.   Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient.   I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself.  I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.”    After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst.   Specifically, I expected that

  1. It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.
  1. That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.
  1. She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation: 

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus.  (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves.  (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!  

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus.    My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance  and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus

| April 26, 2020

(Third in an ongoing series on  Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus) 

If you’re like me, your tolerance of others has been strained in this Time of Coronavirus, be it with loved ones you are
“confined” at home with or just people who get on your nerves.

No question about it, most people are on edge these days and it doesn’t take much for them to go off.

Patience is in short supply, and anger is in abundance.

If I were to tell you that you would likely be much better off—and have greater serenity—if you were to accept these people as they are, you might think I have contacted the virus!

Fortunately, I haven’t—and hope not to!

But I will also tell you that accepting others, as ornery as they may be, does not mean what you might think it means.

It has nothing to do with excusing, condoning, or otherwise approving of their words or behavior. (See, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance)

It does have a lot to do with “staying on your side of the street” and focusing on taking good care of yourself.

Take my friend Jen, for example.   On many days, her husband is stressed and agitated, particularly over being cooped up at home day and night.

As Jen puts it, “I truly don’t know what side of the bed he will be getting up on each day.”

She further explains,

“But I also know I can’t fix him or make him feel better.  I’ve learned that’s well beyond my power to accomplish.   And when I do focus on his woes too much, I soon find myself down the rabbit’s hole as well, and that clearly doesn’t help him any.

“So I just try to love and accept him as he is, pray for his well being, and be careful not to get wrapped up in it all.  That allows me to stay more emotionally balanced and focus on what I can do to take better care of myself during these difficult times.”

Here are four suggestions that will make it easier to accept others in The Time of Coronavirus:

  1. Cut them some slack. These are trying times for everyone. A lot of people are really struggling in coping with things.   Their fears, frustrations, and “demons” consume them.  These are not normal times and many people are not acting as they normally do.
  2. Don’t take things too personally. What someone says or does that offends most often has more to do with where they are in their life or what’s happening to them. In other words, it’s not about us.   Hence, when the “stings” come, try to take some time to consider what their real sources may be and not take the matters too personally.
  3. Detach with love. This mainstay of the 12 Step programs is particularly helpful now.  It simply means to emotionally (and if necessary, physically) separate or remove yourself from the “drama” or unnerving ways of others, but to do so in a kind, caring manner.  Jen’s story is a good example of detaching with love.
  4. Consider whether you had a role in another’s behavior. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that we, too, have been impacted by what’s going on.   We also may not be our “normal” selves and may have contributed to another’s offensive or irritable ways.   It’s therefore important to at least ask yourself such questions as:

“Did I play a part in the matter?”  “Have I been curt or impatient with the person?”  “Have I been on edge lately?”, and the like.

I am confident that these tools will help you better accept others in The Time of Coronavirus and concurrently bring you greater calm and serenity.

I welcome your thoughts and experiences on accepting people who bother you.   How do you, for example, react or respond when someone upsets or irritates you?  What acceptance tools have helped you in dealing with such people?

(You may also wish to read the first two posts in this series:“Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus” and “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”)

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity, available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus

| April 20, 2020

(Second in an ongoing series, “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”

The many uncertainties and unknowns of the coronavirus pandemic have heightened our fears. So many of us are engulfed in never ending “what ifs” and “what might happens”– be it our (and our loved ones’) physical and mental health, job losses, finances, or overall well-being.

These fears are formidable obstacles in being able to accept the all-encompassing “what is” of the pandemic that is necessary in order to act in our best—and safest—interests. (See my post, “How the Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with Coronavirus”)

Particularly in my business dealings, I’ve been challenged to confront the tendency in my thinking to overly focus on “Future Events Already Ruined.” (FEAR)

Hence, I worry about whether my tenants (who were mandated to cease operations) will be able to pay their rent, or at least a portion of it? Whether some will have to close shop and vacate? And so on.

While these are realistic concerns, my obsessive dwelling over them not only results in the loss of needed sleep, but to my detriment, prevents me from recognizing what steps I can take to minimize the “damage.”

That’s what fear so easily does: Freezes you in your tracks!

To avoid such paralysis, first and foremost, I have learned that I must confront and process my fears. By that, I mean address them directly, and not avoid, procrastinate or deny. (For more on these subjects, see my posts “Avoiding Avoidance” and “Letting Go of Denial”).

Here are three interrelated tools that can help process fears in the time of Coronavirus:

*Identify the Fears. In order to process your fears, you must know what they are. Many times they are known only generally because they are a master of disguise.

One of the best ways to identify this most tricky of emotions is to do a fear inquiry.

Thus, when you feel unsettled or anxious—or have shortness of breath or other physical reactions–take a moment and think about what you may be afraid of.

Is it your young children constantly getting too close to others? Your failure to wear a mask when you went to the drug store? Forgetting to wash your hands after bringing in the newspaper or mail? The possibility of being furloughed from work? Not being able to visit your elderly mother at her assisted living home? And so on. Next,

* Objectify the Fears. Take some time to separate the objective facts and truths of the underlying situations and circumstances from the hyper imagined ones. Which is to say, don’t assume, speculate or react impulsively. Instead, pause, reflect, investigate, and consult when needed.

Thus, with respect to coronavirus concerns, don’t jump to the “future events already ruined” syndrome that you or your loved ones are going to get ghastly ill, need hospitalization, not get a respirator, or ??? Instead, try to

* Stay in the Moment. Deal with what is real now, not what might happen tomorrow. Any method or format you use is fine. Disregard all the “mights” and “could bes” that only stir up your fears. Trust that you will be able to handle whatever may happen tomorrow—just like you have in the past.

Through this process, your coronavirus fears will subside.

With respect to my tenants, my fears lessened as I more fully recognized that: a) only several thus far had not paid their rent; b) I had screened them carefully for their creditworthiness; c) legislation had been passed that would help them financially; and, d) I could be more pro-active by reaching out and offering rent deferrals to those who needed it.

Are my fears over? Not by any means. Do I have others? Certainly. But when I remember to use the above tools to process my fears, their impact on my well-being—and serenity—is much, much less.

I would love to hear about how you’ve dealt with your fears during this time.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during the coronavirus crisis, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

**If you liked this post, please like it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus–A Series

| April 6, 2020

 “These are Times that Try Men’s Souls”

In December 1776 General George Washington and his troops were facing imminent defeat, having been driven out of New York and chased across New Jersey by the British.

Washington had been deserted by Congress and his demoralized, hungry, and ill equipped troops planned to go home in two weeks when their enlistments ran out.

In an inspired move, Washington rounded up his weary soldiers into ranks and had them listen to a stirring message written by Thomas Paine:

“These are the times that try men’s souls.  The summersoldier and sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”* 

Thomas Paine’s words had a major impact on Washington’s beleaguered soldiers.   A sense of renewed commitment and sacred mission returned to their souls.

Two nights later they crossed the Delaware, caught the British mercenaries completely off guard on a groggy hangover the morning after Christmas Day.   Washington captured the whole British contingent of a thousand Hessians without a single American being killed.

The rest, as they say, is History!

We are now facing an equally precarious time in our “history”—one brought about by the unrelenting coronavirus and Covid-19 pandemic.  And many, if not most, of us are equally dreary, beleaguered, demoralized—and fear driven.

I wish I had some stirring words like Thomas Paine to arouse and inspire you.  I clearly don’t.  I suffer the same unsettling range of emotions that you likely do.

However, I know that practicing acceptance in the time of coronvirus has helped me cope with the current chaos and uncertainty.   It lightens my spirit.  It grounds me.  It balances me.  And it frees me.  (See my last post “How The Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with the Coronavirus)

From the tremendous response to that post, I am heartened to learn that it helps others as well. Daily blog visitors have increased more than tenfold.   Facebook friends and fans have shared broadly.

I cannot tell you how deeply grateful I am for that.   It makes me feel useful and being of service at a time when I so often feel helpless and powerless.

It also motivates me to do and share more about how to practice acceptance and enjoy the many “gifts” that surely follow.

I thus will be offering a short course  on “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus” through weekly blog posts.

I will share what I know and have experienced first hand, as well as things learned from others, about practicing acceptance–its benefits, keys, challenges, obstacles, catalysts and dynamics.

Although I have extensively written and talked about these subjects before, I will discuss them and others within the context of the coronavirus Covid-19 pandemic. I hope to do so in a personal, everyday sort of way.

Concurrent with that, I have lowered the price of the ebooks for The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity to $2.99, so that more people will be given the opportunity to read and hopefully learn from them.

So stay tuned for the first session!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*From The Crisis by Thomas Paine, December 23, 1776.  His cogent essay is prescient about the politics, public panic, and other aspects of the coronavirus pandemic.

**If you like this post, please “like” it on your Facebook Page and share it with ot

How the Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with the Coronavirus

| April 1, 2020

The Serenity Prayer* has really helped me in dealing with the severe impact of the coronavirus and I hope it can help you as well.

Every day it becomes more clear how powerless—and helpless–we are over so many aspects of the Covid-19 pandemic and its impact on our lives.  Jobs and financial losses, business closures, the heavy burdens on parents from school closures, food and supply shortages, and the strict physical and social constraints, including separation from our loved ones.  The vast suffering by so many is heart wrenching and immense.

The Serenity Prayer teaches us that the more we are able to accept our “powerlessness” over (and inability to change) such tragic circumstances, the more serenity we will have in our lives.  It is extremely difficult and challenging, to be sure.  We feel helpless by our lack of power and control.  However, even partial or intermittent acceptance is beneficial.  (I explore these subjects in depth in my books, The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity.)

Yet, it is the very acceptance of “what is” that is key to mitigating the hardships and vast changes in our lives brought about by the coronavirus.  Indeed,

Acceptance can transport us from despair to hope and even joy.

How?

As I have repeatedly expressed in my speaking and writings on the control and acceptance dynamics, with acceptance comes a critical shift in focus–from what we can’t control or change to what we can.

This shift empowers us.

It does so by expanding our vision—substantially so.  We become much more aware of things and areas in which we do have power and control, and that in turn reduces our stress, anxiety, and despair.  We no longer feel so stuck and mired in negativity.

This is the very essence (and encouragement) of the second line of the Serenity Prayer: “The courage to change the things we can.”

Hence, just as we are unnerved by the things we are powerless over, we are empowered by the things we do have power to do and change—and there are many when we are freed to focus on them.

Acceptance gives us that freedom

I encourage you to explore and embrace your “powers.”  Be creative, open—and courageous.  Here are a few I have personally enjoyed during this time.

*Tending to the “little” things that I didn’t have time for before: gardening, organizing my closet, drawers, and files; cleansing and ridding the house of unneeded and unused “extras”; strolling in the neighborhood, admiring the natural beauty all around me, and saying “hello” to neighbors on different streets I hadn’t yet met; reconnecting with friends I hadn’t talked to in a long time; and drawing and painting.

*Enjoying my wife’s healthy home cooked meals.

*Listening to informative and humorous podcasts and participating in online virtual meetings and get togethers through Zoom.

*Re-reading some favorite books and enjoying them even more.

*Face timing with my 96 year old mom, whom I am unable to visit because of the mandated lock down in her assisted living home.

*Being more aware of, and grateful for, the many blessings I have in my life, including a loving family, good friends, blue skies and sunny days, good health, and much more.

*Learning more about what’s truly important to me and what changes and additions I would like to make once the crisis subsides and hopefully passes.

These powers have brought me unexpected pleasure, comfort, and balance during this trying time.   Most were inspired by my daily reciting and applying the tenets of The Serenity Prayer. (See my post, “Optimizing the Benefits of the Serenity Prayer.”)

I hope you have benefited from discovering your own “powers.”  Please share them with me and others.  We are all in this powerful storm together and let us weather it together by supporting and helping one another.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

* “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and

The wisdom to know the difference.”

**If you enjoyed this post, please share it on your Facebook page and with your friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Improving the Love Flow Through Acceptance

| March 10, 2020
loving relationships

Accepting our loved ones for who, what, and how they are leads to greater trust and deeper bonds, two of the major gifts of acceptance I write about in The Gifts of Acceptance.   Simply put, it improves the love flow.

Not so simple, however, is accepting  the quirks, idiosyncrasies, and habits of our loved ones that we dislike or find annoying.   It can be very challenging,  to be sure, but is essential for true acceptance. (For more on what acceptance is—and isn’t–see my post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance.”)

Below is an article of mine about several important keys to overcoming the challenges of accepting our loved ones that was recently published in the Tiny Buddha blog, which has over 4,500,000 followers.   I hope you enjoy it.

   How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship        

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”—Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.

Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally?  Indeed, almost effortlessly.   There is a good reason for this.   These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow.

When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough.  That they fall short.

Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart?

Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow.

Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship.

If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well?

Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.

           Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One

When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change the traits and habits of loved ones or opine and advise what they should do differently.

Myself included!

I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage.  In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage.  I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled.

She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later.  When I continued harping, I was quickly met with,

“You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry…andkeeping the garage neat!”

Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!

I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond.

As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was–clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow.  Our bond is stronger than ever today.

Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected “gift.   It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter.  I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise.

Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me.

Simply put, it was about me, not her!

It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask,

Do I really have the power to change my loved one? 

In most cases, we don’t. The simple truth is that people will change when and if they choose or are able to do so, not because we want them to.

         Reduce Your Expectations of Your Loved One 

High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment, and disconnect.   My friend Margaret shared how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:

“Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships I have had. I start out being fun and easy going, but once the relationship begins to build, I start to expect a certain level of communication, contact and time together. . .. I almost don’t know I’m doing it. I hear the person say they feel pressure and like every thing has to be scheduled, yet I continue. It is horrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I need to let go, I just don’t seem to know how to do it.”

Margaret’s quandary is not uncommon: few expectations at the beginning when the “love stakes” are low, and steadily increasing as the relationship becomes more serious.

One thing is clear, however: When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting him.

Underlying many of our expectations are core needs we look for others to fulfill.  For example, we may believe if our partner would be more nurturing or spend more time with us—instead of working so much or doing other things—we would be more content and less lonely. Or if she took more interest in our endeavors and passions, they would be more satisfying.

Consider, though, whether we are truly better off if our loved one does as we want or expect? Is our happiness and well-being that dependent on them? I suggest not.

When our focus and reliance is too much on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can make to improve the relationship.

It can help reduce your expectations, if you ask yourself this question:

Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically fulfill?  

Most often they are something that only we can. 

              Honor Your Loved One’s Choices 

All people, including our loved ones, have their own life path and are entitled to make the choices and decisions that influence and ultimately determine that path.

We can have compassion for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want what’s best for them, but we cannot truly know what is best for them. 

That’s because we look at things through our own history, prisms, and filters, not theirs. Hence, we should accept their choices, unless we or others are harmed by them. When we don’t, we aren’t accepting them as they are, and risk impeding and jeopardizing their path.

To be sure, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling inclinations and keep my ego in check or quiet that “I know what’s best” part of me.

I also need to remind myself that others’ points of view and choices have validity—for them. 

                        Acceptance is a Choice

In the final analysis, accepting our loved one for who, what, and how he or she is, is a choice that each of us has to make. We are essentially powerless over changing their ways and traits that we dislike, and trying to do so makes things worse.

We are much better served by focusing on what we do have control over: our part or role in the relationship.

That includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions, and our willingness to own up to our own shortcomings and part in relationship dysfunctions.

And remember,

No one is perfect and without flaws, least of all ourselves! 

I encourage you to choose acceptance—and improve the love flow!

……………………………………………………………..

(A related post you might enjoy is “Letting Go of Control Improves the Love Flow.”)

I would love to hear about what has worked well for you in accepting your loved one as she or he is and how that has helped!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

…and let’s help make acceptance go Viral!

Danny

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with your friends.

 

 

Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows”

| October 2, 2019

We all have uncomfortable lulls in our lives where we feel things are at a standstill, or when we have nothing interesting or productive to engage us, or when we simply feel stuck.

Even the word lull itself makes me feel a certain dread.

My lulls often occur after I’ve completed a project or endeavor in which I was actively engaged, particularly when it was enjoyable and gratifying.

Most recently, I have experienced a lull after the publication of The Gifts of Acceptance.  It was thrilling and deeply rewarding that the book received several major book awards and became an Amazon best seller in multiple categories, and even more so when readers shared with me how much the book had helped them.

An unsettling lull then set in as I took a breather from book marketing.  This one has lasted longer than most.

I have a lot of time on my hands for the first time in the seven years that it took to write and publish the book. And I’m not good with too much time on my hands. I begin to “think” and question too much.

I wondered whether I should I write another book, maybe a journal or guidebook to help people practice acceptance or one that examines the important relationship and links between control and acceptance.  I also wondered whether I should pursue speaking opportunities to further carry the positive messages about acceptance, or whether maybe I should go back to painting, which has taken a back seat to my writing endeavors in recent years?

But, truth be told, I have no real desire to do these things—at least not now.  I began feeling lethargic and have less energy, especially on the tennis court playing the game I love.   (My feet didn’t feel like moving on the court and my game suffered.)

I also began feeling low, even somewhat depressed, although I wasn’t really in touch with it or what may be behind it.

Having both a “Lull” and a “Low” made me think and question even more.

It then hit me what was really going on. I was in denial.  Denial that I would soon be turning 76 and what all that meant.  This was one birthday I was definitely not looking forward to celebrating. My “stinking” thinking kept reminding me that 80 was just around the corner—and that didn’t feel good to me at all!

I half jokingly told my wife, Sigute, that I think I had bypassed a mid-life crisis and may now be having a “later life” one.

She kindly offered some very sage advice.  She suggested I:

“Lean” into my feelings.    By that she meant, try to feel and stay with the unsettling feelings—in my case dread, loss, a sense of emptiness, and disheartenment–rather than trying to block or deflect them, and not to feel that something must be “wrong” in having them.

Although it has been said that feelings are not facts, they nonetheless are real and need to be processed in some manner. Leaning into or embracing them is one good way of doing that.

And also,

Practice Gratitude.   It’s easy to lose sight of all the blessings and good things we have in our lives when we are not feeling well.   There’s a large imbalance that needs to be corrected and awareness and gratitude brings us proper perspective of our “true reality.”   Her simple reminder was enough for me to start recounting my many blessings in the succeeding days, including having a wonderful family and friends, financial security, and good health.  This process works best for me when I verbalize or write them down.  (for more on this, read my post “The Unique Benefit of Practicing Gratitude”)

Another thing that helped was remembering something I had written about in The Gifts of Acceptance as a key to practicing acceptance, and that is, 

Embrace life’s impermanence.   Our reliance on life and things being fixed or permanent impacts our ability to handle the unexpected when it comes, which it inevitably does–and that includes lulls and lows.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes the suffering caused by resistance to impermanence very simply:

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

It thus behooves us to remember that life has both ups and downs and not to expect or rely otherwise, which only makes matters worse.

As I did these things, my unsettling feelings began to loosen their “hold” on me and I started feeling much better. And although I am still experiencing a little lull (which has lessened in writing this very post!), I no longer feel low.

I now accept that 76 is just a number, and it doesn’t define who I am or limit me. I know, too, that my accepting “what is” will allow me to discover “what might be!”

And what better confirmation of that is just three days ago my tennis partner and I upset the #1 doubles team in California in our age division!

In the mean time,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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Optimizing The Benefits of The Serenity Prayer

| August 12, 2019

The Serenity Prayer* is my guide to practicing acceptance in all my affairs.   It is a prayer for acceptance that allows me to be more fully aware, from the very start of my day, of the vast number of things I cannot control or change, and it reminds me that my very serenity depends on my willingness to accept them as they are.

I devote a chapter in The Gifts of Acceptance on ways to effectively apply the three poetic phrases of the Prayer.   For many, the last phrase, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” is the most challenging one in practice.

Specifically, how do we know whether we do or do not have the power to change or control a person or situation?   

The determination is frequently difficult. Strong emotions—fear and anger, for example—as well as high expectations easily thwart our intentions to realistically consider whether the issue is something over which we truly have power.   Denial, too, can impact the determination because of our ignorance or unawareness of (or unwillingness) to accept the underlying reality of the situation.

The requisite wisdom often comes only after enduring the hard, painful consequences of ongoing non-acceptance.  The pains of non-acceptance will likely occur at different times for each of us because there will always be things and people we aren’t able to accept—at least initially.

Here are two ways that will help you with the wisdom to know the difference and thereby optimize the benefits of The Serenity Prayer:

Pause and Reflect 

When first faced with contentious issues or people, take a moment (or as some say, “pause”) to consider whether you can realistically expect to change matters.   Try not to react impulsively or retaliate.   Fear and anger often emerge, and it is important to constructively process these emotions as soon as you are able.    Try to remember the acronym for FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.

Pausing and reflecting in this manner will ground you and enable you to better evaluate what is really at stake and its importance, and that in turn will allow you to address the situation or person in a more constructive, responsive manner.

Consider Whether You Can Meaningfully Impact the Person or Situation 

Even if you feel you can change or have some impact on the matter or person, consider whether any success is worth the cost and energy—and anguish.

What I have found extremely helpful in uncertain situations is to ask myself “Can I have any meaningful impact on the person or situation?”  If I don’t think I can, I accept the current situation or circumstance and move on.   Similarly, it is also helpful to ask oneself, “How important is this to me?”

Remember, not everything is a crisis, but anything can become one if you fail to let go of control and accept “what is.”

Please share with me what you have found helpful in determining whether or not you have the power to change certain people or things in your life, giving specific examples if you can.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is.” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

*”God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

Courage to Change the Things I Can, and

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.”

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The Humility/Acceptance Link

| July 18, 2019

In media interviews for The Gifts of Acceptance I am often asked,  “what are the keys to practicing acceptance?”

When I say “humility” is an important key, some interviewers ask me to explain further because the link between humility and acceptance may not seem readily apparent.

Yet, it’s a very direct one.

Simply put, in order to accept people as they are, we need to be humble.   Within the context of acceptance, that means we must recognize and accept that:

  1. We truly don’t know what’s best for others–particularly our loved ones, children, and family.    (We are not so omniscient, as many of us are prone to believe!)
  1. Our way is not the only way.  It’s just a way, nothing more.   There are multiple paths to an acceptable destination.
  1. What works well for us doesn’t mean that it will work well for others. Everyone is unique and responds to events and challenges differently.

 

  1. Everyone has the right to determine (and choose) what’s best for them, and we should respect and honor their choices as long as they don’t harm us or those close to us.
  1. We should be open-minded and non-judgmental. (Probably the most challenging aspect of humility)

Being humble also means that we shouldn’t judge, criticize, or press our views on others, unless asked.   Nor should we constantly try to control or change people, no matter how much we think it will benefit them.

Admittedly, it’s much easier to understand humility than to practice it.   As a former compulsive controller, it’s been a life long challenge for me to refrain from telling others, particularly those closest to me, what I think they should do or not do, or how they should be.

It’s all too easy to justify our intrusions as acts of love, care, and concern.   However, experience has proven to me time again that I risk doing more harm than good—to others and myself—when I fail to be humble.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

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I Honor My Father by Accepting Him as He Is

| June 11, 2019

My father, Morry Miller, was only 21 years old when this Air Force photo of him was taken. During World War II he captained over 35 missions in the dangerous South Pacific with the famous (and infamous) heavy, unsafe B-24 bomber that was prominently featured in the movie “Unbroken” several years ago. My dad returned from the War a small town hero in his native Redlands, CA.

He also returned a strict disciplinarian to his unwitting three year old son–me. Growing up, our relationship was never easy. It seemed that whatever I accomplished in school or sports was never good enough for him. When I received A-s and B+s, I was greeted with “why didn’t you get A’s?”  When I got a hit in a little league baseball game, he wanted to know why I didn’t get more.

As I began to sprout my wings as a teenager and young adult, we constantly battled, and his punishment of choice was not to speak to me for sometimes months at a time.   I  questioned whether he loved me because I never heard, “I love you Danny.” My mother always assured me that he did, but that didn’t convince me.

But this Father’s Day, I choose to honor my father (who turns 97 today!), to love and admire him–and to accept him as he is, even though he remains very  judgmental.  Why? Because very simply, I know that he did the best he could as an extremely young father with limited parenting tools who didn’t have the many opportunities and resources (particularly educational, social, and financial) that he generously afforded me.

I  do so because of the important values he passed on to me: a strong work ethic and conducting one’s affairs in a principled and truthful manner, and because his not acknowledging me  ultimately caused me to strive harder and achieve greater success in college and in my career.

I do so because he never meant me any harm; quite the contrary, he truly wanted what was best for me.

I do so because of the  constant love and dedication he has shown in taking care of my mother, who had a debilitating stroke six years ago.

And finally, I do so because it frees me from resentments from the past and allows me to focus on the things that will improve my life.

As I explain in The Gifts of Acceptance and my other writings on the subject, the gifts of acceptance are reciprocal. By accepting my father as he is, our bond has grown stronger each year and we share many intimate moments– and, I now gratefully hear, “Danny, I love you.”

So this Father’s Day, I encourage you to choose Acceptance. My prior post, “The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: Acceptance” further explains why.  You can also watch my recent CBS tv interview on the subject here:http://tinyurl.com/y67aljvb

I love you Dad!

In the meantime,

Let It Go–And Accept What Is!

Danny

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The Best Mother’s and Father’s Day Gift: ACCEPTANCE

| May 1, 2019

We’re taught to honor our mother and father.   But what if they weren’t exactly a model of calm maternal and paternal caring, strength, and guidance during your childhood.   What if they still criticize and demean you, infuriate you, or simply push your buttons?

This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, why not try accepting them?  Why should you, you might wonder?  Because choosing acceptance can make a world of difference, and perhaps none more so than with accepting our parents–faults, blemishes, defects, and all.

Three Important Reasons Why We Should Accept Our Parents

It releases us from the shackles of the pastand the anger and resentment for what they did or didn’t do for us or give us.  With acceptance, we are no longer bound to our parents for our happiness and security.  It is when we continue to blame, resent, and despise our parents, that we remain stuck in the past.

There is a critical shift in focus to what we can do to improve our own lives.  Simply put, we are free to discover who we really are and who we can become.

It can improve and even heal our relationship with them.   When we stop seeking or expecting what our parents can’t or are unable to give us, trying to change their ways, or judging them, trust, openness, and even intimacy can result.

What Does Accepting Our Parents Really Mean?

Accepting our parents is not easy, and often extremely difficult, especially if there has been serious past abuse and transgressions.*  That’s why in The Gifts of Acceptance, I offer tools, strategies, and intentions that make it easier to accept our parents as they are.

One key is to remember that accepting our parents does not mean that we are excusing or condoning their conduct or behavior. Rather, we are simply acknowledging the “reality” of the way they are—and acknowledging that we have little or no power to change them—and then acting upon or deciding what’s best for us aligned with that reality. (See my previous post, “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

For many, acceptance is a way to emotionally and spiritually detach themselves from the resentment and obstructions that accompany such behavior. So, consider this:

In giving “the gifts of acceptance” to our parents this Mother’s and Father’s Day, we are also receiving profound gifts. 

Please share your experiences and stories in accepting your parents, including the challenges and obstacles you faced, what helped and what didn’t,  whether it improved your relationship with them, and whether it helped you.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—And Accept “What Is!” 

….and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral! 

Danny

*I do not mean to suggest that where there has been severe parental abuse (including emotional and sexual) violence, or similarly harmful behavior, that children should accept their parents at all costs.  It is a very personal decision.  Many who have suffered such abuse are adamant about not forgiving or accepting their parents, feeling no benefit would be derived therefrom.  Others (as shared in my book) found it was essential to releasing the past and moving forward in their lives.

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