Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips (#2)

| October 5, 2020

Truth and Tips Q&A #1 explained how fear was the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes. Q&A #2 is a logical follow up:

Q:How can we reduce our fears so that we will control less? (Part One) 

A:  Effectively reducing our fears is usually a multi-step process.    It begins with clearly identifying what they are.  For many, this is not so easy, because our fears easily bask in our lack of awareness.   We tend to attribute the anxiety and discomfort that fears generate to other things.  It is much easier to look elsewhere than it is to look within us.

Thus, one of the best ways to detect this most tricky of emotions is to do a fear inquiry.   Recall the day’s events as specifically as possible.  The fear-invoking event will be lurking in there somewhere. More often than not, it is something you totally blocked—and why not.  It was too painful to deal with at the time.

In doing your fear inquiry, be aware of any anger or resentment you may be harboring.  Anger is commonly an aggressive response to our fears, and it too, invokes controlling actions.   Still another sure sign is when you procrastinate in addressing important tasks and challenges.

Our fears can also have a strong physical presence.  Note where they may be located—tight chest and stomach, painful lower back, or somewhere else—and try to “feel” their presence.  As you do, breathe in and out slowly, and they will usually be revealed–and even ease.

Once we have a clearer understanding of our fears and how they impact us, we can then begin to find ways to defuse them. One effective way is to confront and process them.  I will offer some tools to help you do that in my next post.

Until then, I will leave you with two

Questions to Ponder: 

“Did you discover any “unknown” fears during your fear inquiry?  What were they?”

“Did knowing what they were lessen their impact?”

Please share your responses with me!

In the meantime, remember to

“Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you found this post helpful, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting Go of Control Truths and Tips (#1)

| September 29, 2020

The need to reign in our unhealthy compulsion to control is thus more important than ever, whether we are a so-called “control freak,” a micro-manager, a nitpicker, or simply someone who controls excessively.

Toward that end, I will be sharing pertinent “Truths and Tips” through Q &A’s aimed at recognizing, clarifying, and understanding important aspects of the control dynamic, followed by some related questions for you to ponder.

Below is the first one.  Others will follow in upcoming posts.

Q:  What is the prime driver of our need to control others and outcomes? 

A:  FEAR!  Fear is the catalyst for most unhealthy controlling actions.  We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected; the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” We lack trust that we will be able to take care of ourselves or that our needs will be met if we let things be or run their natural courses.  In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive.    That’s why we are compelled to continually press and work hard to change or control others and outcomes.

Questions for You to Ponder: 

“What core fears propel you to control?”

“Has the Covid-19 Pandemic impacted your controlling ways?   How ?”

Please share your responses with me!

In the meantime,

“Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you found this post helpful, please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overcoming Denial in The Time of Coronavirus

| July 15, 2020

(8th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus”)

Overcoming denial is a prerequisite to acceptance.  You can’t accept “what is” when you are unaware, can’t, or refuse to “see” the underlying reality of the situation.

This is perhaps even more true in The Time of Coronavirus. 

Denial is not just denying or rejecting a certain state of affairs.  Its subtler forms include wishful thinking, kidding ourselves, underestimating things, avoidance, or simply choosing to turn a blind eye.

I feel much of our responses to Covid 19 are of that nature. At the beginning, it was all too easy for me to discount or minimize its spread and impact on our lives.  And I am quite sure that I was not alone in believing that.

I frequently heard (and still do) what I consider denial based comments about Covid 19, such as the following:

“It’s not that harmful—the flu kills more people each year”

“They will soon find a vaccine”

“The virus will soon run its course”

“I’m young and in good health”

“Only old people are at risk”

“People are just running scared”

“It’s all politically based”

And the highly optimistic denial: “Things are getting much better now”

The problem is that when you are in denial of the underlying issue or problem,

You can’t make the choices and pursue the paths that can alleviate the very problems you are denying. 

Indeed, you risk making them worse!

A prime example is the early opening of restaurants, bars, gyms, and other gathering places by many states and local governments.   In almost every instance, there has been a huge spike in cases, deaths, and shortage of hospital and ICU beds.

I’ve previously offered ways to let go of denial in other contexts. (See my post, “Letting Go of Denial”).   One vital key is worth repeating:

We must be able to dispassionately see the “truth” and then have the courage and wherewithal to act upon it. 

I understand that people will see different versions of the truth and/or may choose to act in different ways upon it, especially in these highly divisive times.

Nonetheless, I encourage you to at least be willing to reexamine your deeply ingrained beliefs in order to gain a greater awareness of when, how, and what you may be denying in The Time of Coronavirus.   Remember, too, that when you deny less, you accept more, and will have greater serenity even during turbulent times.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

* To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during the coronavirus crisis, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

**If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Taking Stock in The Time of Coronavirus

| June 29, 2020

                (7th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus”)

The other day as I was sorting through some books that had accumulated on my small bedside table, I came across a “dream catcher” journal that someone had given me sixteen years ago for my 60th birthday.

Even though the journal had remained on a table shelf for all these years, I had only written a few entries. Most notable among them was a statement in which I desired to “live a whole, meaningful, free, and engaging life, and to share my wisdom with others.”

I felt heartened that I had made good progress toward achieving that goal.

Interestingly, the very next entry was a two-page assessment of things I liked about myself—my attributes, if you will—and those that I didn’t and wanted to change, improve upon, or remove.  The latter included being less critical of others, dealing with my anger early on, and not rushing so much.

It thus occurred to me that to effectively strive toward a life that is more fulfilling and meaningful, it is essential to first “take stock” of where and how we are at the moment.

A silver lining of the Covid 19 pandemic is that it provides us with a unique opportunity to do that.  There certainly is no shortage of time for most of us to try!

In fact, when you think about it, the immense challenges and hurdles we face in The Time of Coronavirus—emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially–compel us to take such action if we wish to avoid despair and the debilitating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I thus encourage you to start by making a personal accounting of yourself and your life.

In doing so, consider where you feel you fall short.  What things hold you back? What do you like about yourself and don’t you like about yourself?  What behavior makes you feel bad or guilty?What would you like to do better?  What things no longer serve you well?   And so on.

You will likely find certain recurring themes and impediments that consistently undermine your overall well-being.  Try to hone in on them one at a time, asking yourself this very simple, but pertinent question:

“How’s that working for me?”

Your answer will bring the issue front and center and allow no room for convenient excuses or rationalizations.  It can also motivate positive changes.

In your personal assessment, you will discover certain positive qualities and traits that you may not have been fully aware of, dismissed, or downplayed.  It’s important to remember that they are vital parts of who you are and you should give them their just due.   Your attributes play an important role in attaining the life you want.

It is also instructive to ponder the following question from the chapter “Discovering and Accepting Who We Are” in The Gifts of Acceptance:

“What do I need to change or ‘become’ in order to feel better about myself?” 

I encourage you to envision, reflect, meditate and write about what these things may be and how doing them might make you feel.  Then start doing them.

But do them without expectations or self-judgment.   And be grateful for partial successes, viewing setbacks merely as opportunities for further growth.

As you progress, the healing light of awareness will shine brightly on you during The Time of Coronavirus—and after, making it easier to choose what and who you want to become.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during The Time of Coronavirus I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

 

 

 

Letting Go of Judgment in The Time of Coronavirus

| June 9, 2020

  Letting Go of Judgment in The Time of Coronavirus 

(6th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“)

I’ve always struggled with being too judgmental of others.  I’ve worked a lot on being less so, but it takes constant awareness—not only that I’m judging, but also how it impacts my overall well being and serenity. (More on that later)

I’ve noticed that my inclination to judge others has risen in The Time of Coronavirus. It is likely due to my having greater “dis-ease” and impatience these days—and sometimes getting agitated over little things.  (See my post, “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

As a result, I’m more likely to judge or question why people are doing or acting the way they do.   I forget that these are not normal times, and most people are often not acting “normally.”

A recent example is when I reacted strongly when a good friend asked me to share a video with my friends in which a disgruntled scientist made some disparaging remarks about a well known scientist who has played a prominent public role in combating the COVID 19 Pandemic.

After viewing the video, I had doubts about the veracity of some of its accusatory statements.  I found several articles that provided evidence disputing the scientist’s main claims and admonished my friend about promoting the video to his friends without first fact checking the claims.

I sent him the articles, but that didn’t defray him.  He was convinced about the merits–and adamant–about what he was doing.

The truth of the matter is that I judged my friend harshly for his beliefs and actions.  I felt the video was untruthful and wanted him to stop—signs of a true controller and judger!

When I later thought about my actions, certain things about judging became clearer to me.

*Most judgments serve no real purpose or benefit.  It’s unlikely to change the way people are or act.  If anything, it puts them on the defensive and they are likely to resist and dig in harder.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express our views and beliefs on matters that are important to us, but rather to not dismiss or disparage others’ views without first making an effort to listen and hear them out.  (See my post, “Acceptance Conversations as Peacemakers”)

*We are not accepting others for who and how they are.

I didn’t have to approve or condone what my friend was saying or doing, but I should have accepted he had the right to express his own views and make his own choices, provided they didn’t harm me or those I care about.

The short of it is,

When we judge, we can’t accept. 

*We are often being righteous and arrogant. There is a certain “know-it-all-ness” when we judge.  We believe we know better than others and what the “real” truth is.   However, we easily disregard our own personal biases.  I certainly was that way with my friend.

In deed, I don’t think

A judger has ever been accused of having too much humility!

Even when we wish to judge less, we are often unaware that we are in fact judging.   Judging takes many forms.  Criticism, curtness, withdrawal,  smugness, and having unreasonable expectations are just a few of the ways we voice our judgments.

In many ways, judging is a counterproductive diversionary tactic.  It diverts us from taking stock of those parts of us, especially our shortcomings, that don’t serve us well.  It further diverts us from making an effort to improve upon them.

At its core, judging is a controlling mechanism that harms primarily ourselves.    

I thus encourage you to temper your judgments and try to be more understanding and tolerant of others.   In doing so, you will control less and accept more, and thereby enjoy greater peace and serenity in The Time of Coronavirus—and afterwards, as well!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overcoming “Lulls” and “Lows” in The Time of Coronavirus

| May 11, 2020

(5th in an ongoing series on “Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus“) 

I don’t know about you, but its easy for me to fall into a “lull” and “low” during The Time of Coronavirus.

Every day seems the same, yet I feel different almost every day. 

Same in the sense I have a lot of time on my hands most days and am restricted in movement, engagement, and enjoyment of what I like to do, especially playing tennis.

Different because I don’t know how I will feel until I get out of bed and begin my day.   Some days I feel calm, relaxed and productive.  Others anxious and antsy.   And unfortunately, a good night’s sleep isn’t necessarily a harbinger of positive thoughts, feelings, and energy.

And some days, like today, I feel a “lull” and “low”–and lethargic.  My body didn’t feel right this morning.   I wasn’t sure if I was coming down with something.  Who Knows? Maybe even the dreaded Covid-19.  Fear is at the forefront these days.  (See my post, “Dealing with Fear in The Time of Coronavirus”)

You may relate to what I’m talking about.   If so, I would like to share some simple things that helped me feel much better as the day progressed.    I hope they will help you, as well.

I reached out to a friend to see how he was doing. That wasn’t easy for me because I really didn’t feel like speaking to anyone. But I knew from past experience that the best way for me to get out of my head’s “negative” thinking was to see how others are doing and lend a good ear. My friend greeted me warmly and we shared some insights and “what we were doings” during The Time of Coronavirus.  We even had a few good laughs.    The conversation lightened my spirits, and then,

I took a “nature walk” around my neighborhood. It’s wonderful springtime here in California.   Why not enjoy “the beauty all around me.”  The blooming roses and irises.  The bright blue sky.  And the cheerful music of birds. Have you noticed lately that the birds seem happier than ever?  The doves even more peaceful?  And the ground squirrels playfully scampering around?

Is it possible they know something that we don’t?

Or, maybe it’s that they know “less” than we do–and are happier because of it? 

Whatever the reason, it was a real blessing to be able to share their space with them.

I’ve heard it said that we are only a guest of nature, and I welcomed the invitation.

I felt so much lighter, and then

I decided to write this post. I thought that others—maybe even you—have experienced similar lulls and lows during The Time of Coronavirus and my sharing  today’s experiences might ease their discomfort.

Quite honestly, just that thought lifted my spirits considerably.   And the actual writing—this very writing—helps me a lot.

I gain needed awareness, clarity—and acceptance. 

I encourage you try these things when you feel a lull or low.  (The writing part can be some basic journaling.) Please also share your  experiences and ideas about dealing with lulls and lows in The Time of Coronavirus. It would be helpful to me and I know others.

(You can read my earlier post, “Accepting “Lulls” and “Lows” for some other suggestions on this subject.)

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go!—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Managing Expectations in The Time of Coronavirus

| May 6, 2020

         (4th in an ongoing series on Acceptance in The Time of Coronavirus)

I’ve often talked and written about the importance of moderating our expectations if we wish to control less and accept more.  High expectations can hurt us in a lot of ways. ( See my post,“5 Ways High Expectations Hurt You”)

A recent occurrence made me realize that it’s even more important to manage our expectations in The Time of Coronavirus, given all the uncertainty and unknowns, and the emotional tolls it has taken on people.

A few days ago I visited my local pharmacy to pick up two prescriptions I had phoned in the week before.   Although the only customer in the store, I waited (with mask on) for what felt like an eternity while the pharmacist was speaking with another customer on the phone.

Truth be told, the wait was actually only about 5 minutes, but I found myself getting anxious and impatient.   I had wanted to get in and out of there.

When the pharmacist finally got off the phone, she informed me that only one of the prescriptions was ready, because the other one had expired.

Oh brother, I told myself.  I would now have to come back again when the other prescription was filled. Fortunately, I “cooled off.”    After all, the pharmacist was a sweet, kind person, who was doing her best during The Time of Coronavirus!

When I later reflected on the incident, I realized my expectations created my angst.   Specifically, I expected that

  1. It would be a quick and easy pick-up since I came several days after the pharmacist told me the prescriptions would be ready.
  1. That she would have called my doctor for a renewal, as she had done in the past.
  1. She would tell the phone caller that she would call back after taking care of her store customer—me. (Pretty presumptuous of me!)

And the all-inclusive expectation: 

That everything would be (and operate) the same as it had before coronavirus.  (Really?)

I know this is a silly little story, but these everyday types of occurrences can easily affect our serenity, if we let them, because of our expectations.

As I’ve said before, we need to cut people some slack!

So, bottom line, we need to manage our expectations better, lest we become agitated ourselves.  (See “Accepting Agitated People in The Time of Coronavirus”)

These are not normal times, and our so-called “normal” expectations don’t serve us well now, if they ever did!  

Simply put, they aren’t healthy for us.

So I encourage you to moderate, manage, and lower your expectations during the Time of Coronavirus.    My post “Let Go of Control by Moderating Your Expectations” will help you do that.

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*If you liked this post please “like it” on your Facebook page and share it with others.

**To help make The Gifts of Acceptance  and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dealing With Fear in The Time of Coronavirus

| April 20, 2020

(Second in an ongoing series, “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus”

The many uncertainties and unknowns of the coronavirus pandemic have heightened our fears. So many of us are engulfed in never ending “what ifs” and “what might happens”– be it our (and our loved ones’) physical and mental health, job losses, finances, or overall well-being.

These fears are formidable obstacles in being able to accept the all-encompassing “what is” of the pandemic that is necessary in order to act in our best—and safest—interests. (See my post, “How the Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with Coronavirus”)

Particularly in my business dealings, I’ve been challenged to confront the tendency in my thinking to overly focus on “Future Events Already Ruined.” (FEAR)

Hence, I worry about whether my tenants (who were mandated to cease operations) will be able to pay their rent, or at least a portion of it? Whether some will have to close shop and vacate? And so on.

While these are realistic concerns, my obsessive dwelling over them not only results in the loss of needed sleep, but to my detriment, prevents me from recognizing what steps I can take to minimize the “damage.”

That’s what fear so easily does: Freezes you in your tracks!

To avoid such paralysis, first and foremost, I have learned that I must confront and process my fears. By that, I mean address them directly, and not avoid, procrastinate or deny. (For more on these subjects, see my posts “Avoiding Avoidance” and “Letting Go of Denial”).

Here are three interrelated tools that can help process fears in the time of Coronavirus:

*Identify the Fears. In order to process your fears, you must know what they are. Many times they are known only generally because they are a master of disguise.

One of the best ways to identify this most tricky of emotions is to do a fear inquiry.

Thus, when you feel unsettled or anxious—or have shortness of breath or other physical reactions–take a moment and think about what you may be afraid of.

Is it your young children constantly getting too close to others? Your failure to wear a mask when you went to the drug store? Forgetting to wash your hands after bringing in the newspaper or mail? The possibility of being furloughed from work? Not being able to visit your elderly mother at her assisted living home? And so on. Next,

* Objectify the Fears. Take some time to separate the objective facts and truths of the underlying situations and circumstances from the hyper imagined ones. Which is to say, don’t assume, speculate or react impulsively. Instead, pause, reflect, investigate, and consult when needed.

Thus, with respect to coronavirus concerns, don’t jump to the “future events already ruined” syndrome that you or your loved ones are going to get ghastly ill, need hospitalization, not get a respirator, or ??? Instead, try to

* Stay in the Moment. Deal with what is real now, not what might happen tomorrow. Any method or format you use is fine. Disregard all the “mights” and “could bes” that only stir up your fears. Trust that you will be able to handle whatever may happen tomorrow—just like you have in the past.

Through this process, your coronavirus fears will subside.

With respect to my tenants, my fears lessened as I more fully recognized that: a) only several thus far had not paid their rent; b) I had screened them carefully for their creditworthiness; c) legislation had been passed that would help them financially; and, d) I could be more pro-active by reaching out and offering rent deferrals to those who needed it.

Are my fears over? Not by any means. Do I have others? Certainly. But when I remember to use the above tools to process my fears, their impact on my well-being—and serenity—is much, much less.

I would love to hear about how you’ve dealt with your fears during this time.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*To help make The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity available to more people during the coronavirus crisis, I have lowered their ebook prices to $2.99.

**If you liked this post, please like it on your Facebook page and share it with others.

Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus–A Series

| April 6, 2020

 “These are Times that Try Men’s Souls”

In December 1776 General George Washington and his troops were facing imminent defeat, having been driven out of New York and chased across New Jersey by the British.

Washington had been deserted by Congress and his demoralized, hungry, and ill equipped troops planned to go home in two weeks when their enlistments ran out.

In an inspired move, Washington rounded up his weary soldiers into ranks and had them listen to a stirring message written by Thomas Paine:

“These are the times that try men’s souls.  The summersoldier and sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”* 

Thomas Paine’s words had a major impact on Washington’s beleaguered soldiers.   A sense of renewed commitment and sacred mission returned to their souls.

Two nights later they crossed the Delaware, caught the British mercenaries completely off guard on a groggy hangover the morning after Christmas Day.   Washington captured the whole British contingent of a thousand Hessians without a single American being killed.

The rest, as they say, is History!

We are now facing an equally precarious time in our “history”—one brought about by the unrelenting coronavirus and Covid-19 pandemic.  And many, if not most, of us are equally dreary, beleaguered, demoralized—and fear driven.

I wish I had some stirring words like Thomas Paine to arouse and inspire you.  I clearly don’t.  I suffer the same unsettling range of emotions that you likely do.

However, I know that practicing acceptance in the time of coronvirus has helped me cope with the current chaos and uncertainty.   It lightens my spirit.  It grounds me.  It balances me.  And it frees me.  (See my last post “How The Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with the Coronavirus)

From the tremendous response to that post, I am heartened to learn that it helps others as well. Daily blog visitors have increased more than tenfold.   Facebook friends and fans have shared broadly.

I cannot tell you how deeply grateful I am for that.   It makes me feel useful and being of service at a time when I so often feel helpless and powerless.

It also motivates me to do and share more about how to practice acceptance and enjoy the many “gifts” that surely follow.

I thus will be offering a short course  on “Acceptance in the Time of Coronavirus” through weekly blog posts.

I will share what I know and have experienced first hand, as well as things learned from others, about practicing acceptance–its benefits, keys, challenges, obstacles, catalysts and dynamics.

Although I have extensively written and talked about these subjects before, I will discuss them and others within the context of the coronavirus Covid-19 pandemic. I hope to do so in a personal, everyday sort of way.

Concurrent with that, I have lowered the price of the ebooks for The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity to $2.99, so that more people will be given the opportunity to read and hopefully learn from them.

So stay tuned for the first session!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

*From The Crisis by Thomas Paine, December 23, 1776.  His cogent essay is prescient about the politics, public panic, and other aspects of the coronavirus pandemic.

**If you like this post, please “like” it on your Facebook Page and share it with ot

How the Serenity Prayer Helps Deal with the Coronavirus

| April 1, 2020

The Serenity Prayer* has really helped me in dealing with the severe impact of the coronavirus and I hope it can help you as well.

Every day it becomes more clear how powerless—and helpless–we are over so many aspects of the Covid-19 pandemic and its impact on our lives.  Jobs and financial losses, business closures, the heavy burdens on parents from school closures, food and supply shortages, and the strict physical and social constraints, including separation from our loved ones.  The vast suffering by so many is heart wrenching and immense.

The Serenity Prayer teaches us that the more we are able to accept our “powerlessness” over (and inability to change) such tragic circumstances, the more serenity we will have in our lives.  It is extremely difficult and challenging, to be sure.  We feel helpless by our lack of power and control.  However, even partial or intermittent acceptance is beneficial.  (I explore these subjects in depth in my books, The Gifts of Acceptance and Losing Control, Finding Serenity.)

Yet, it is the very acceptance of “what is” that is key to mitigating the hardships and vast changes in our lives brought about by the coronavirus.  Indeed,

Acceptance can transport us from despair to hope and even joy.

How?

As I have repeatedly expressed in my speaking and writings on the control and acceptance dynamics, with acceptance comes a critical shift in focus–from what we can’t control or change to what we can.

This shift empowers us.

It does so by expanding our vision—substantially so.  We become much more aware of things and areas in which we do have power and control, and that in turn reduces our stress, anxiety, and despair.  We no longer feel so stuck and mired in negativity.

This is the very essence (and encouragement) of the second line of the Serenity Prayer: “The courage to change the things we can.”

Hence, just as we are unnerved by the things we are powerless over, we are empowered by the things we do have power to do and change—and there are many when we are freed to focus on them.

Acceptance gives us that freedom

I encourage you to explore and embrace your “powers.”  Be creative, open—and courageous.  Here are a few I have personally enjoyed during this time.

*Tending to the “little” things that I didn’t have time for before: gardening, organizing my closet, drawers, and files; cleansing and ridding the house of unneeded and unused “extras”; strolling in the neighborhood, admiring the natural beauty all around me, and saying “hello” to neighbors on different streets I hadn’t yet met; reconnecting with friends I hadn’t talked to in a long time; and drawing and painting.

*Enjoying my wife’s healthy home cooked meals.

*Listening to informative and humorous podcasts and participating in online virtual meetings and get togethers through Zoom.

*Re-reading some favorite books and enjoying them even more.

*Face timing with my 96 year old mom, whom I am unable to visit because of the mandated lock down in her assisted living home.

*Being more aware of, and grateful for, the many blessings I have in my life, including a loving family, good friends, blue skies and sunny days, good health, and much more.

*Learning more about what’s truly important to me and what changes and additions I would like to make once the crisis subsides and hopefully passes.

These powers have brought me unexpected pleasure, comfort, and balance during this trying time.   Most were inspired by my daily reciting and applying the tenets of The Serenity Prayer. (See my post, “Optimizing the Benefits of the Serenity Prayer.”)

I hope you have benefited from discovering your own “powers.”  Please share them with me and others.  We are all in this powerful storm together and let us weather it together by supporting and helping one another.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

* “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and

The wisdom to know the difference.”

**If you enjoyed this post, please share it on your Facebook page and with your friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Harms of Withdrawal–And How to “Return”

| January 27, 2020

 

In a recent post, I explained how procrastination is a control based avoidance mechanism that carries potentially severe consequences.  Withdrawal is another such mechanism that can be even more detrimental to our well-being.

At times we all have had the urge to retreat and “hole up” and just escape the world.   This is understandable given the burdens, responsibilities, and pressures we face today.

For much of my adult life, withdrawal was my default mode, usually triggered by strong anger, feeling mistreated, or being overwhelmed.

Truth be told, it didn’t take much for me to emotionally “leave” my loved ones.

It was often easier for me to retreat into my private world of painful thoughts than to confront vital issues head-on.   Blame was often the game, as I remained stuck in my self-pity.

Indeed, I can’t think of anything positive that ever resulted from my absences.

Harms of Withdrawal

Withdrawal can become a self-perpetuating process.   The longer your departure, the more difficult your return, and by the time you do return, considerable harm may have already occurred—to you and others.

At home, your mates and family may feel rejected and helpless– even abandoned.  At work, it is difficult to focus on important tasks and assignments, as well as interact with co-workers and customers.

In the arts, your creativity is easily submerged.   And with intimate relations, your sex drive can disappear.

Returning from Exile 

Consequently, because of its negative momentum, withdrawal needs to be nipped in the bud.   I learned that it is important to learn from your past history what makes you depart, and then make an effort to timely counter it.

For many, unprocessed anger and resentment are the catalysts.  For others, it may be financial or health fears, or deteriorating personal relationships.  Grief and sadness, particularly from the loss of a loved one or a close relationship, are also prevalent causes of withdrawal.

To return from your personal “exile,” it is paramount that these core feelings and emotions be processed; otherwise they will fester, propelling you deeper into your inner sanctum.  You must “face and embrace” them; “lean” in to them, if you will.   As you do, the barriers to your return will begin to thaw.

A good way to process your unsettling feelings and emotions is by sharing them with a trusted friend or confidant.   Another is to write about them in some way.

During one withdrawal, I wrote the below poem about withdrawal and what I needed to do to overcome it.   It is included at the beginning of the chapter titled  Avoiding Avoidance in Losing Control, Finding Serenity

Default Mode                                                         

“Engulfed with anger,

We retreat.

Ensnarled by fear,

We hide.

 

Webbed by doubts

We avoid.

Immersed in pities,

We remain

In exile—

With no default mode.

 

To return,

Joust the fears,

Lose the anger,

Embrace the truth, and

Face the danger.”

Please share  your experiences with withdrawal.  What typically induces it? How does it impact you?  And how do you overcome it?

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is”! 

Danny

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The Instant Holiday Stress Remover!

| December 15, 2019

The Holidays are upon us!  As beautiful as this season is with decorations, holiday songs, and gift giving, it also comes with a lot of stress , anxiety, apprehension  and agitation.   Getting the expensive item on sale, standing in lines, and traffic, traffic, traffic.  It’s little wonder that our anger can flash at the slightest inconvenience.

But my friend Jenna marches to a different, calmer beat.   Her chosen path is,

                             Acceptance—the instant holiday stress remover.                   

Jenna knows acceptance is the best holiday gift she can give herself.   Needing to buy some last minute holiday gifts at her local mall, she joined a block-long line of cars creeping along toward the parking entrance.

Once entering, she had to maneuver like a matador to avoid cars aggressively vying for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

Walking into her favorite department store, she had to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

After finally finding the things she was looking for, Jenna then had to wait fifteen minutes before it was her turn at the cashier counter.

Upon hearing her shopping experience, I remarked that she must have been totally stressed out by the experience. To my surprise, Jenna responded, “No, not really.”

Knowing that my emotional equilibrium would be off kilter if I had endured the same obstacles, I asked her how she managed to remain so calm in the midst of such madness.

Without missing a beat, Jenna replied, “If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.”

True words, indeed. The underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for many people. Heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, family dinners with estranged siblings, and so on. Jenna was wise enough to recognize that she was powerless over changing any of that and thus wasn’t overwhelmed by it all.

She also maintained realistic expectations.  Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels; to be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress.

                                                                    People Stressors

Unfortunately, it’s just not trying situations that create stress during the holidays.  We also have to cope with “people stressors” who are more invasive—and pervasive–during the holidays—you know,  control freaks, dysfunctional family members, and other “crazy- makers.”

Take heed, though, because

Acceptance insulates us from people stressors. 

When we are able to accept people stressors as they are,  their actions and words cause us considerably less stress and anxiety. With acceptance, we are able to disengage and emotionally remove ourselves from their fear based world, and not take matters too personally—and sometimes even “forgive” their trespasses, for they likely do not know what they do!   (Acceptance  does not mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior.   See my post “Three Misconceptions About Acceptance”)

 The simple truth is that with acceptance, little really remains to stress over.

A heavy burden is lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess about things (or at least, not nearly as much!) during the holidays.   We can breathe easier and focus on the realistic choices we have, such as doing something nice for ourselves; being more mindful; planning our outings better; keeping things simple; and, maintaining an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck,” and our stress lessens considerably.

That’s why it is also important  to be aware of when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy this time of the year, to be sure, because we can  get so wrapped up in things.

If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from overreaching or overextending, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly, enabling you to accept “what is.”

So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance during the holidays? The short answer is nothing! The long answer is a lot of stress!

Peaceful Holidays to You and Yours!!

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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