A Valuable Key to a Healthier Heart

| September 15, 2017

When my doctor checked my pulse and blood pressure at a recent physical exam, my pulse was only 47—well below the 60-80 norm—and my blood pressure was a healthy 98/68.  Admittedly, I exercise regularly, but leaving the doctor’s office I wondered whether that alone would account for such good readings—especially for a 70 year old.

It then occurred to me that the readings might also be attributable to the fact that I am now much better at letting go of control in important areas of my life (work, children, loved ones, friends and the like).

In other words, could letting go of control be a valuable key to a healthier heart?

I believe it is.  Medical research and studies confirm that our hearts are adversely impacted by excessive stress, worry, fear, and anger.

And, quite simply:

*When we control less, we stress less;

*When we control less, we worry less;

*When we control less, we fear less; and,

*When we control less, we resent less.

If this all seems too “non-scientific” to you, I encourage you to try the following:

Let Go of Control Heart Test

1.  In the morning or evening of the first day, measure your blood pressure and pulse.

2.  For the next three days, endeavor to let go of control the best you can at work, with your children, close relationships, and troublesome concerns.  Don’t pressure, force, resist—or persist.  Just accept, allow, trust and let be.  I understand that this may not be easy—especially if you have the propensity to be a controller. The key is to simply try your best.   It’s a matter of progress, not perfection. Striving for perfection induces control-based actions. *To assist yourself, try some of the Decontrol Tips and Tools described in my posts in that category at the right column of this page.

3.  After three days, again measure your blood pressure and pulse at about the same time that you did on the first day.

4.  Finally, do the simple math to determine if and/or how much your pulse and blood pressure have improved.

This Test is a No Lose Proposition

Admittedly, there can be many unaccounted for variables that impact your results.

However, you have nothing to lose by taking the test—and here’s why:

Even if the results are not conclusive, I am quite confident that you will have less stress, worry, fear, and anger—and more peace and serenity!

These and other benefits will increase further as you become better and better at letting go of control.   It definitely takes commitment and practice—and at times courage—but it is well worth the effort.   Eventually, letting go of control will become a more natural, intuitive way of living and engaging people and things.

I would love to hear how your heart test went.   Were your pulse and blood pressure lower?  Did you have less stress and anxiety?  Were the decontrol days more enjoyable?

Here’s to your healthier heart!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–And Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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Letting Go of Control Truths

| September 11, 2017

“Let go of control. You never had it in the first place!”

Most control freaks do not agree with the above statement. What about you? Not sure you agree? Then consider this:

“If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. So let go of control to get something new.”

Is micro-managing your children’s lives working for you? Or is not going too well? Here’s a suggestion:

“Listen attentively to them without “counseling” them.   It is a healing gift that allows them to process their concerns by themselves.” 

Are your high expectations of others creating distrust and dissension? If so, then try to:

“Expect Less—Control Less—and you will Discover more.”

How’s your love life been lately? Not so good? No wonder:

“Love Control causes the dance of romance to lose its rhythm.”

Are your strong fears propelling you to control more even when you don’t want to?  Then you must:

“Process your fears before they become real. It greatly reduces the need to control.” 

Have your creative juices dried up? Are you looking for inspiration and need some creative nourishment?

Then (trust me) you must not,

“Overthink, overanalyze, press too much or try for perfection.” 

Is it your nature to fight, fight, fight, push, push, push, or resist, resist, resist?  What’s your stress and anxiety level? A bit high?

Here’s something to ponder:

“Surrender doesn’t mean failing; it often means winning.” 

It can be difficult for control freaks to process, but once they do, a greater freedom is available.

What it really all comes down to is this:

“To control or not? That is the question. How you answer will likely determine whether you will have greater serenity in your life—or not.”

To learn more about the habit of control freaks, click here.

In the meantime, remember to

Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!” 

Danny

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The Link Between Addiction and Control

| July 26, 2017

The lives of addicts often reel out of control, especially for those who have not started down the path to personal recovery. Many feel ashamed and powerless over their addiction and many things in their lives. To counter their anxiety and attempt to gain some semblance of control in their lives, they try to exert “external” control over others and important aspects of their lives.

Some believe addicts are control freaks. Licensed clinical social worker Rita Milios explains why in her informative article appearing in Recovery.org titled Control Freak: How to Stop Trying to Change Your World and Change Yourself Instead. Visit this link to read the article.

“If a person feels that they have lost control of themselves and their substance use, they often shift their sphere of control to other areas of their life. Feeling out of control increases the anxiety, and becoming a “control freak” is one way an addict may attempt to reduce this anxiety. Exerting outward control may also be an attempt to manage other uncomfortable emotions, such as depression, low self-esteem or feelings of powerlessness.”

Which Comes First—Addiction or Control? 

Yet, if addiction leads to the need to control, can it also be said that excessively controlling behavior can lead to addiction? An intriguing question, to be sure, given the toxic energy and anxiety created by such compulsive behavior.

Lisa, a recovering alcoholic, isn’t sure which came first for her.  She explains it this way in her introspective article, The Need for Control and Addiction:

“Looking back on my sobriety so far, those early days were cruel and painful. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I hated it. I was out of control, and I hated it. For a control freak like me, that was hard to handle!   I wonder what came first, Control Freak Personality/Type A or Addiction?….I do know that the more I abused alcohol, the more out of control I felt I was, therefore more anxious, therefore I drank more.”

Do Controllers Have More Control Over Their Lives? 

I believe there is a significant link between control and addiction. Irrespective of what comes first, I seriously doubt that addicts gain more control over their lives by being controlling. In fact, in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, I demonstrate through true stories that the best way you can gain control of your life—to the extent that you ever can—is by losing or letting go of control. Many believe it to be the first step in personal recovery And I believe the contrary also to be true:

The more you try to control your life, the more out of control your life becomes! 

Indeed, this belief is a cornerstone of the widely attended Al-Anon Twelve Step Program for personal recovery, where the harms of control are examined and ways of letting go of it shared.

This conclusion is readily apparent if you consider that life’s natural currents are unpredictable and have a constantly moving, ever-changing ebb and flow. Some people refer to this as Life’s Impermanence. Things never remain the same. As such, life (and people) can’t be controlled and trying to do so is akin to gripping a rapidly moving conveyor built: you will either get burned or dragged along.

What’s your belief about the link between addiction and control? Do you believe that control itself is an addiction? Is there an addict in your family that tries to control everything?   Does it alleviate his/her suffering? Please share with me and others your experiences with the addiction/control dynamic.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go! 

Danny

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The Control—Misery Link

| July 18, 2017

Control freaks beware—those controlling tendencies can create misery in your life.

A friend recently shared, “The more I try to control things in my life, the more miserable I become.  In fact, the misery in my life is directly proportional to how much I try to control things.”

I, of course, knew how excessive control impacts my serenity, but never heard it expressed in quite that way. As I thought about it further, I realized there is indeed a direct link between control and “misery.” Let me explain why.

When we try to control or change others, it breeds anger and resentment because we are not accepting them as they are. In effect, we are telling them they are doing things “wrong” or are not “good enough.” That, in turn, impedes trust, openness and connection, particularly with our loved ones and close relationships.  They are less willing to share with us; to confide in us; and yes, to like and love us. We thus become removed and isolated, even lonely.

That’s not all. Control freaks actually experience stress due to these tendencies. We easily become stressed from devoting so much time and energy to doomed endeavors. We grow frustrated at not being able to control outcomes and with the time we waste trying to. Is it then any surprise that these control-induced impediments make us “miserable?”

My friend is right:

The more controlling we are, the more miserable we will be. 

So why not start letting go of your need to control and be happier? To get you started, here are some posts on decontrol tools and strategies:

5 Key Ways to Let Go of Control in Relationships

Letting Go of Control Truths

Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2016

Here’s to being serene instead of miserable!

In the meantime,

         Let It Go—and Accept What Is! 

         Danny

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Letting Go of Denial

| July 5, 2017


Denial is usually associated with rejecting or denying a certain state of affairs, or thinking or believing that things “aren’t so.” However, denial really encompasses much more than that; wishful thinking, turning a blind eye, and withdrawal are just a few subtle ways of our not wanting to accept the “what is” in our lives. Click here to read  “5 Keys to Practicing Acceptance” to learn how to practice more acceptance in your life.

More specifically, denial includes such things as not admitting to ourselves that our spouse has a severe drinking problem or an addiction; not dealing with a recurring health issue; avoiding a serious business or financial matter; not accepting that our child has social problems; and not owning up to a loss in performance in our favorite activities.

Whatever its form or manner, denial is fraught with harm to our happiness and well being.  

It makes no difference whether our denial is intentional or not.  When we deny the “reality” of our problems and troubling issues, they invariably become harder to deal with later.

And very importantly, denial prevents us from making choices and pursuing paths that could alleviate the very problems we are denying.

Why? Because we usually can’t “see” them!

Consequently, it is better (and healthier) for us to Let Go of Denial!        

One thing that can’t be denied, however, is that denial is very difficult to overcome.  In most cases, I have observed that there are two, interlinked reasons for this:

         *Our ignorance or lack of awareness of “what is”, and 

         *Our unwillingness or inability to accept “what is.” 

Hence, to let go of denial, we first need to be aware of the underlying reality of what’s going on.   To wit: Is there a problem? How serious is it? What is the dynamic or cause and effect? And how is it impacting us or others?

Once we are cognizant of the problem or issue, we then need to accept its underlying reality, which is to say, dispassionately see it for what it is. Expressed somewhat differently,

We must be able to see the “truth” and then have the courage and wherewithal to act upon it.   

Very importantly, however, this does not mean that we need to like or approve of such things, but rather simply see them for what they are and recognize that we are effectively powerless over changing them.

Unfortunately, it often takes considerable discomfort (often caused by our repeated denials) before we begin to recognize the changes we need to make. We may also need the help and guidance of others—including friends, mentors and therapists—to help shine the light for us. Hearing and reading others’ acceptance stories can also help.

Ultimately, letting go of denial is a gradual process of “awakening,” and as we begin to experience the benefits—blessings, really—of accepting life as it is, letting go of denial becomes much easier.

Please share your acceptance stories in the comment area below of how denial has impacted you and your love ones, and how you learned to let it go.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

…and Let’s Help Make Acceptance Go Viral!

Danny

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Control Knows No Borders

| June 6, 2017

My writing of Losing Control, Finding Serenity was primarily within the context of my struggles and personal recovery from the compulsive need to control most things and people in my life– particularly those closest to me—and the resulting adverse consequences. I didn’t give much thought to how pervasive the need to control might be in people in other places, cultures, and traditions, nor in which ways they manifested control.

It was thus unexpected–and deeply rewarding to me–that LCFS has attracted a broad international audience since it was published six years ago. The same has been the case with respect to this blog, which draws daily visitors from the far corners of the globe.

I have thus recently thought about whether the need to control is a “global” issue and I believe it is. Here is why.

Control Takes Diverse Forms

Most people typically think of controllers in such terms or ways as nitpickers, micro-managers, control freaks, perfectionists, home and work despots, Type A personalities, and the like.

However, subtle, even genteel, forms of control can also impact our serenity.   For example, when we prod, cajole, or charm, or when we withdraw from loved ones or play the victim or martyr, we are usually trying to control others.  When we repeat a suggestion more than once, we are likely being controlling.   And when we apply “guilt trips,” we are clearly controlling.  Depending on how it is used, silence, too, can be very controlling.

I doubt that these kinds of control are exclusive to us here in the U.S.

The Common Catalyst for Control 

Both assertive and subtle forms of control have a common catalyst: FEAR.   In LCFS, I refer to fear as “Control’s Best Friend.” That’s because most controllers, particularly control freaks are fear driven. They are afraid of uncertainty, the unknown, and of what the future holds. They thus constantly dwell in the “what ifs” and “what might bes,” and in their core are concerned about their very survival. (Hence, the acronym “Future Events Already Ruined). To shield themselves from the flames of these demons, they grip life tightly in an attempt to build a security wall around their “home field.”

So a pertinent question, then, is whether fear is an oppressor only to us here in the U.S?   I’m pretty sure it isn’t, which is to say,

            Fear Knows No Borders.

Fear is indigenous to the human species, particularly “emotional” fears.   While certain peoples, cultures, and traditions may be less fearful and afraid than others, it’s unlikely that they’re totally immune from fear, and thus still control to some extent. Any differences likely lay in how often, how much, and in which ways they try to control—and not whether they control.

That is why I believe that, 

            Control Knows No Borders!

I also believe that is why LCFS and my blog have garnered international interest from people seeking personal recovery from these issues. People throughout the world are concerned about the harms of excessive control and want to learn how to be less controlling.

Please Share Your Thoughts

These, of course, are only my beliefs and thoughts on the subject. What are yours?  Do you believe that Americans generally control more or less than people from other parts of the world? Are our controlling means and methods different than others? Do you know of any nationalities, cultures, or tribes that control more or less than we do?   If so, which ones and why do you think that is?

In the meantime, 

Let It Go!—and Accept What Is 

Danny

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Visit this link to learn more about the journey to personal recovery from control issues.           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Key Ways Letting Go of Control Improves Your Life

| April 11, 2017

Freedom people living a free, happy, carefree life at beach. Silhouettes of a couple at sunset arms raised up showing happiness and a healthy lifestyle against a colorful sky of clouds background.

When we control excessively we are attempting to alter life’s moving currents and rhythm. When we do this, we are unable to see options and make choices that would significantly our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially. We become imprisoned by our fears, anger, and resentment and are thus not open to the wonders that await us.

When we let go of control our blinders are removed and we can begin to enjoy life’s possibilities. Intimate relations become more intimate. Family bonds strengthen. Creative horizons expand. Work becomes more productive and enjoyable. Moreover, when we stop trying to control others, the focus changes from others to ourselves. We can then work on improving our own shortcomings and enhancing our skills and talents.

Let me explain three key ways the decontrol process can improve your life.

Letting go of control strengthens the bond with your children

Excessive parental control often drives a wedge between parents and their children. There is no question that parental control or authority is essential not only for a child’s health and safety but also for fostering a child’s morals, family values, social manners, and learning.

However, many of us overdo it. We become domineering because of our fears, egos, anxieties, and insecurities. Consequently, we overmanage our children’s lives and deprive them of opportunities to learn and gain the wisdom from their mistakes. Excessive parental control also leads to resistance and even rebellion.

As a major controller I always offered unsolicited advice to my son Brandon. Why? Because I felt I knew what was best for him and I wanted him to see the light. (It’s no secret that controllers are short on humility!) However, as a teenager, he was very dismissive of my many “suggestions”. That of course raised my ire. How could my sage advice be “put down” so quickly? But the far more serious problem for me was that it severely damaged our communications and bond.

Later, after l had learned the value of letting go of control, I stopped offering Brandon advice, or even making suggestions. This certainly was not easy because the need to control can be very powerful—particularly in parenting where our fears are so powerful.

What ensued was highly unexpected and enlightening. Brandon actually began asking me for advice about challenging issues he faced. I was of course thrilled to help out. I felt more a part of his life. It was thus through giving up control that I was able to reconnect with my son in a very special way.

Letting go of control fosters intimacy

Intimate relations are fertile grounds for controlling actions. Love control runs the gamut from unsolicited advice and opinions to criticism and unreasonable demands. These actions invariably breed resentment from our mates. After all, who likes being told how to be and act—particularly in matters of the heart?

A case in point is Nancy, who was forever “recommending” to her boyfriends things they should do to better their lives. Moreover, she constantly repeated them because she was one of those controllers who believed offering advice more than once would increase the chances of it being followed. Although her intentions may have been good, her messages were poorly received—and rarely followed. Indeed, for most of her beaus it was a “turn off”.

Nancy thus never really achieved the intimacy she strived so hard for. She didn’t realize that true intimacy can only come if we accept our loved ones for whom and how they are, rather than trying to change them. This allows the love currents to unfold naturally so that people can just relax and be themselves—and offer their love and kindness without pressure or expectations.

Letting go of control expands your creative horizons

Another area where letting go of control bestows gifts is in our creative endeavors. Creativity flourishes when we open up, whereas control closes us down by restricting freedom of thought and process. Examples of creative control actions are pressing too hard for completion, overthinking and overanalyzing creative works, and setting overly high expectations.

Another obstructive control action is when we are bent on strictly following “rules” or “principles”. When I first began painting, I had only two short lessons from master artist, Paul Eventoff. To my surprise, in less than a year I was turning out paintings that brought unexpected accolades. I was of course very excited and craved to learn more, particularly about landscape painting, so I took a weeklong plein air workshop in Vermont. I had a new instructor each day who propounded his personal painting “principles”. When I returned home after the workshop, I tried to incorporate all these principles in my paintings. The results were catastrophic. In very short order, I had lost my unique style and way of painting. I was really discouraged.

Six months later I expressed my concerns to Paul and he shared with me the parting advice that the dean of the Maryland Institute of Art had given his class’s graduating students: “Now forget everything you learned and just go paint!” That was exactly what I needed to hear. To me that meant just let go and enjoy the process. I resumed painting without any expectations and went with what felt right and natural to me, incorporating my new knowledge selectively and intuitively. Within a few months my painting took on a new maturity.

It is thus through letting go of control in our creative endeavors that our natural and unique creativity can shine through, often resulting in original works of lasting beauty.

Accept this challenge!

I challenge you to do the following for the next week:

With respect to your children, listen attentively to them without offering advice. Recognize that they are different from you in the way they think and process things, and accept that your way may not be the right way—for them.

With respect to your creavtive endeavors, focus on just enjoying the process. Don’t plan or think too much about the outcome. Don’t fret about making “mistakes”. Start a piece with the intention of not completing it and see what unfolds.

In your love relationships, lower your expectations of your mates—and of yourself. Focus on what steps you can take to improve your love bond.

Even if you are only partially successful in doing these things, you will begin to discover that letting go of control brings you freedom and contentment!

In the meantime,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*As featured in popular blog, Advanced Life Skills

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Let the Love FLow on Valentine’s Day

| February 5, 2015

If you don’t control, you can flow–and that’s true with love as well.    So let go of love control this month and let the love flow!  For some guidance on how to do this, read my previous post “Enhance Your Valentine’s Day Love Flow.”

In the meantime, remember to

Let it Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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An Essential Key to Avoiding Holiday Stress

| December 3, 2014

It’s during this time of year that we often hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I previously shared how this “dread” and its associated stress and anxiety can be lessened by letting go of control, as well as offering some useful decontrol tools.

Buy my wife recently shared with me a holiday story that clued me in on an essential key to avoiding holiday stress.   She had to buy some last minute gifts at our local mall’s department store, which required wading through these nerve-racking hurdles:

*First, she had to join the line dance of cars a block long entering the parking lot.   (Not fun if you like to move when you line dance, as my wife avidly demonstrated when we first met.)

*Once in, she had to drive like a matador would to avoid the cars aggressively darting for parking spaces as if they were winning lottery tickets.

*In the store, she was forced to navigate through hordes of frenzied shoppers and clothes strewn about as if there had been a teenage slumber party the night before.

*And after finally finding what she was looking for (actually she didn’t really find it, but didn’t want to leave empty handed after all the hassle), she was sentenced to a 15 minute wait in the cashier’s line.

“Gift wrap,” she was eventually asked? Amazed to discover there were actually sales clerks in the store, she very sweetly (or maybe it was tartly) said: “Thank you, but the thought of waiting in another line is unbearable.”

When I asked her how she managed to waddle through everything without losing her cool, some words of wisdom (definitely hard earned) rolled off her tongue:

“If I’m entering the madness, I have to accept that’s all part of it.” 

I thought a few moments about what she had said and then a glowing streak of enlightenment flashed through my mind:

That’s it! An essential key to avoiding holiday stress is being able to accept “what is”. 

Yes, and in this case, the underlying reality is that the holidays are truly maddening times for most of us, and once more (another streak),

We are powerless over changing any of that!

(That is, short of banning the holidays altogether.)

That being the heavy traffic, rude people, too few sales clerks, delays, family dinners with disgruntled parents and estranged siblings, and the like. (Many will nonetheless persist in trying to change or control that which can’t be controlled. I could write a book about how harmful that is for you and others emotionally and spiritually, and even financially–actually, I did write one, and it’s been an Amazon best seller now for over three years.)

What it comes down to is that there is really only one thing we can do in such trying situations:

Accept it! 

You may ask, how will this help avoid stress?   When we accept things (and people) as they are, it is as if a heavy burden has been lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry or obsess over the matter. And this, in turn,  spurs choices and options for us, such as: do something nice for ourselves; plan better; keep things simple; breath deeply; maintain an attitude of gratitude for all the good things in our lives; and be of service.

As we become more aware of these choices, we no longer feel so “stuck” and our stress and anxiety begin to lessen and even dissipate. Why? Because with acceptance,

Nothing remains to stress over.

You may now be thinking, yeah that’s all good and dandy, but it’s much easier said than done. I can understand your skepticism, really.   Hopefully this acceptance truth will alleviate your doubts some:

Accepting is simply surrendering that which you never had—control.

Not having control, that’s a hard one, I know. But you need to accept that, too. So what is there to lose by practicing acceptance? The short answer is Nothing! If you are still with me to this point, and I truly hope so, and are willing to give acceptance a try (remember, the reward is less stress) then I recommend that you follow these:

Four Acceptance Tools and Strategies

*   Be More Aware of What You Can’t Change or Control. Try to recognize when you are powerless over changing or controlling things or people. This is not easy, to be sure, because it is easy to get so wrapped up in things, especially this time of year.   If you begin to feel the “dis-ease” that comes from being controlling or overreaching, take a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really have the power to change this?” Or, “Is it really that important?” Or, “Should I let it go for now?” With such query pauses, the answers usually appear quickly.

* Be More Understanding of Others. Be mindful that the holidays are stressful for others as well.   Hence, try to be more patient and kindly toward others; after all isn’t that a traditional hallmark of the holiday season? Also, don’t take things too personally. When you do have unpleasant encounters with others (perhaps evoked by their rudeness or anger), detach or remove yourself from the person or situation, rather than provoking or engaging. Arguments and divisive behavior only create havoc and more stress.

*Don’t Control. When you control, you can’t accept—pure and simple. If you control less, you will be able to accept more.   The correlation is that direct.   (I describe effective decontrol tools in this blog under that category at the right column of this page, as well as in my book.)

*Maintain Realistic Expectations. Our expectations increase during the holidays. We often expect our children, mates, and friends to act like angels, even be perfect; i.e., be on time, thoughtful, help out, read our minds, and such. These kinds of expectations inevitably lead to conflict and resentment by us—and them–and this only increases our stress and anxiety. (See my post, “How to Lower Family Expectations“)

In closing, please keep in mind that,

            Acceptance is fundamentally a choice we make.

I encourage you to make that choice during this holiday season, and I wish you holidays that are abundant with love, peace, serenity—and acceptance!

And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

 Danny

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Finding Time by Letting Go of Control

| May 2, 2014

How often do you find yourself wondering, “where has all the time gone today?”(or “this week?”)  I wonder about that fairly often and my guess is that most people do, as well.   There is no question (in my mind, at least) that our ever-complex, technology driven world absorbs bundles of our time—ironically, often through the use of “time-saving”  devices such as texting, googling, using engaging apps, and the like.  Similarly, most timesaving strategies simply make room for us to do more things with our time, rather than relieving time related stress and pressure.

Consequently, we always feel woefully short of time.  Leslie Perlow of the Harvard School of Business has aptly coined the phrase “time famine” to describe this time quandary.

There is another (and easily overlooked) reason that many of us find ourselves short of time: We are too controlling.

Losing Control, Finding Time

Constantly trying to control or change others or things takes inordinate amounts of time.

Think about it for a moment.   All the time and effort you put into fruitless control efforts deprive you from doing many of the things you would like to do, but don’t have the time to do!

As I have repeatedly expressed in this blog and in Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (an Amazon Best Seller now for 7 years in a row), people will truly change only when they are ready and willing to do so, and all our advising, pressuring, pleading, etc., is for naught.

Simply put, we are powerless over changing others—at least in any meaningful way.

So why not lose control, and find more time—a lot more!  In past posts I have shared some effective decontrol tools.  Some basic ones can be read in Intentions for Letting Go of Control in 2013.

Here’s for changing your time famine to a time surplus in 2014!

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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The Trust–Control Dynamic

| February 4, 2014

Have you ever thought about the connection or dynamic between control and trust?   Or more specifically, about how trust impacts our ability to let go of control?  To be truthful, I hadn’t given it much thought until I read and successfully applied a tennis strategy called “Trust Your Body” in Jeff Greenwald’s insightful tennis book, The Best Tennis of Your Life.

As an avid seniors tennis player, I had struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play.  I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and unable to maintain sustained focus.   Before playing in a big tournament in Palm Springs last month I read a statement in Jeff’s book that really resonated with me:

“Letting go of control, trusting your shots, and accepting the outcome is imperative if you are going to ever play with true freedom on the court.”

I tried that in the tournament and beat several players who had soundly beat me a year earlier, before losing to the #1 seed in the semi-finals.    By trusting that my body and mind could work things out instinctively without all my “help,” I was able to let go of control and enjoy the wins that followed.

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that what applies to sports performance, applies equally to just about everything in life and that,

There is a powerful dynamic between trust and our ability to let go of control.

Trust and Let Go of Control

Here are some core truths about that dynamic.

*The more we trust that we—or others or things–will be okay without our concerted effort, the less we feel the need to control them or the outcome.

*A primary reason we try to control or over manage our life or that of others is that we lack trust that things will work out naturally by themselves.

*When we trust and let go of control, we reduce our stress and anxiety, creating space for greater calmness and serenity.

*When we trust and let go of control, we are able to engage and respond intuitively to “life’s natural currents”—the flow of life, if you will—thereby creating new opportunities and choices that can transform our lives.

Try These Two Things This Week

*If you find yourself over-thinking situations or pressing matters too much, pause and say to yourself:  “Trust that everything will work out as it was intended to be.”

*If you find yourself obsessing or worrying too much about someone—your child or love one, for instance—take a moment and say to yourself: “I trust that they will make the choices that are best for them.”

What is your view of the connection between control and trust?   Are you able to trust and let go?   What happens when you do?  Please share your experiences with me on this very important subject.

In the meantime, remember to

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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How to Let Go of Stress and Anxiety During the Holidays

| December 6, 2013

*Below is a previous post (slightly edited) that will reduce holiday induced stress and anxiety.

The holiday season is a time of great stress and anxiety for most people.   We are forced to plod through heavy traffic, wade through crowded stores with too few sales clerks, incur unwanted financial burdens, and attend family gatherings fraught with unresolved issues and conflicts amongst members.

Thus, it comes as no surprise when we repeatedly hear the proverbial, “I just dread the holidays.”

I have a solution for much of your holiday anxiety:  Let Go of Control!

Holiday pressures exacerbate our tendency to rush, to press, to resist, to direct, to expect, and to criticize—all tension-creating control devices.

Wouldn’t you enjoy yourself much more during the  holidays if you were able to take it easy and feel everything would work out okay?

You can—by letting go of control.  Here are some holiday decontrol tips that will assist you.

1.  Lower Your Expectations. Try not to expect too much of others, especially family.  As I’ve cautioned in prior posts, high expectations often lead to disappointment and resentment–and harmful control actions.  It is much better to have little or no expectations of how people will be or act.  (after all, they’re likely feeling holiday pressures themselves).  And don’t assume or anticipate conflict or discord with others based on past history and experiences.

For example, if you are concerned about sitting at the same table with your wayward brother or sister at a holiday dinner or party, don’t make any assumptions—good or bad—about what might happen; instead, trust that you will be able to disengage (i.e., let go) from any problem that might occur, and still enjoy the reunion.

2.  Be Patient. Allow holiday “currents” to progress and evolve naturally, rather than pressing for resolutions.  Life is always in a constant state of motion—shifting and ebbing and flowing—even more so during the holiday rush.  Focus on being calm and grounded, and wait for the currents to flow your way.   Then engage them intuitively, rather than forcefully.  To better do this, plan some alone time for yourself each day, whether to meditate, journal, take a short walk, or just do something fun.

3. Keep Things Simple. Don’t complicate things by over planning and over thinking.  And don’t fret about all the “what ifs” and “what could happens.”  Worrying only plants the seeds for those things to happen!  Instead, trust that everything will work out as it was meant to be. By keeping things simple you will save considerable time and energy, and reduce stress and tension for yourself and those around you.

4.  Address and process your “Personal Truths.”  Addressing our unwanted feelings is a critical component of reducing the compulsion to control. ( I devote an entire chapter to embracing your Personal Truths in my book Losing Control, Finding Serenity)

In simple terms, this involves identifying and processing the negative feelings that compel us to control, such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity and the like.

For example, if you are feeling  anxious because of all the things you feel you need (or want) to do during the holidays, rather than forging “past” your anxiety, take a few minutes to get in touch with it.  Start by trying to feel it internally, even physically.  Take some slow, deep breaths and really tap in to it.  “Embrace” it, if you will.   Ask yourself how important is it that everything gets done “right now?” What terrible things might happen if you don’t?   The truth of the matter is that most things are not as important as we imagine or project them to be.

Though it may sound counterintuitive, so acknowledging and processing your stress and anxiety will lessen their “grip” over you.

If you try these “decontrol” tips I am confident you will enjoy the holidays more.  You might even look forward to them!

In closing, I would like to wish you a very peaceful holiday season.   And remember to,

Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

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